Live and Let Live

Can you see me clearly? Do you see me for who I am? What I am? Do you understand how I came to be without questioning and judging?

Exposing yourself and your vulnerabilities can be huge. When you've lived your life guarded, how do you let your defenses down? Putting yourself out there in great anticipation of whether or not an opinion of you changes. Sure your friends love you and tolerate you, in fact some encourage you to be you. They love and respect you despite your faults.

Something you view as a quality may be viewed by someone else as a deficiency. Simple things. Most you never give second thought, because it's inherant to your nature. Your friends carefully chosen. Some things people simply can not relate with, so you only tell the people you trust. Sometimes not even completely trusting them. (paranoia?, maybe) Who are your friends? Who really loves you? Some people just tolerate you. But someone that gets you and loves you anyways...that's priceless and precious and something to be appreciated.

Friendship and companionship can be incredibly underrated. Spending time in the company of those not related can be the most impressionable and shakeable. To enjoy someone's company you must be comfortable in their presence, able to personify and clearly convey who you are. Knowing you can agree to disagree is an elemental key to the silent partnership of the friendship. By silent, I mean nonjudgemental.

Easily we all have an opinion. People watching can be entertaining unlike any movie or TV show. Knowing the ever engaging past time and all that it entails makes us bias, crude, sarcastic, endearing, likeable, comedic and cruel at times. But knowing the foundation of humor, and its individually moral and ethical boundaries is the conscience of your friendships. It is both conscious and unconscious.

Some people get you completely. Entirely. Without question. Some people have to dig a little. Others play a role in your life but never truly develop into a true friendship. I know that sounds harsh - but it's true.

Trust. Friendships. Love. Acquaintances. Family. Everyone has an important role. No one is insignificant. When you disregard people or assume they have no value, disregard them or judge them - you can impress an unwanted opinion. Maybe its better to live and let live. People can and will surprise you.

Blocked

'Mental blockade' is the most appropriate thing I can say. It far outweighs the writers block and brings you closer to why I haven't been faithful to my blog. For as many times as I started to post a new blog, I just couldn't put any one thought down.

So I realized I was overthinking a everything and nothing. What - specifically, I just couldn't tell you. I know I've let a few good ideas slip right out of my hands. Friends advice, adventures, troubles and what-nots. It's coming back to me.

All I can say is, I'm getting to it. Patience is something I'm painfully learning. There's this whole other world out there...

Free-falling

Why is it so impossible to think that maybe, just maybe, after all that your heart has endured - that something real could happen?

Why when everything is falling into place and everything feels right do we begin to question it? We start to pick at it, trying to chip away, searching for negatives or hidden agenda's or alterior motives? Why can't we just go with the flow and allow something good to come into our lives? Are we ever truly open for the love and happiness we seem to so eagerly await?

How do we learn to drop our defenses? How do we learn to let go of the past? Why be suspicious and question the intentions of someone that treats you the way you deserve? Because they show a genuine interest, we start to second guess ourselves and our own worth. Surely, this can't be right! All kinds of pain surfaces and we begin to shut down before something beautiful can be let in.

At what cost are we willing to risk it all? Everything feels so right, (unlike anything before) and you've thrown yourself passionately into a million other things. Things that didn't mean as much and ultimately wouldn't matter. This could change everything, it could be epic. Just let go. Just fall. It could be everything you've hoped and wished for and more.

Full Moon

What is it about a full moon? Or was it timing? The moon added allure and magnetism to the evening, catapulting it so it surpassed other favorable evenings in terms of 'memorable'. It was almost surreal.

And then he asked for a kiss. He asked. Isn't that the sweetest thing? Next to the kiss, of curse. It made me think of one of my favorite quotes by Drew Barrymore..."Kissing-and I mean like, yummy, smacking kissing - is the most delicious, most beautiful and passionate thing that two people can do, bar none. Better than sex, hands down."

Ahhh, romance - at last!

Changing Hearts

In the beginning she had all the control and he was chasing her. Their relationship was good but lacking something. She is a free spirit and got bored with being good, so she started going out a lot. He begged her to slow down. She put a marriage proposal on the table, she wanted the next step. (allow me to explain) She didn't actually propose, she simply said it's been 5 years I'll slow down when you put a ring on my finger.

Present day. She slowed down, she stopped going out (okay well not as much) he told her he'd marry her. And for a while all was bliss. She voiced her wants and he took to deep thought.

Now, he's joining the military and leaves for boot camp soon. He doesn't know if he wants to even be in a relationship or get married. (but he was sure before) She's having to put everthing back in her name. She's terrified. She loves him and hates him. She can't help but feel an overwhelming foreboding. He's cutting her out of his life.

Breaks my heart for her. And to think she changed for him and now he may be leaving her. NEVER, NEVER compromise who you are for anyone! People either love you and take you as you are or it's just not the right.

And did he ever really love her or did he just want to control her free spirit? Knowing he tamed it, did he lose interest?

Imperfections

My life is riddled with the tragic yet laughable epic failures of one relationship after another. I've played my role absurdly well in each. Despite my new found solitude, I'm feeling healthy, confident, sexy and smart, my self-depricating humor at an all time high, though every now again, I am unabashedly lonely. This is one of those moments. And what is that all about? I can be giddy as a school girl, content and reasonably happy under the premise that my life is in fact mine - but is it? I have no one to answer to, no one to apologize to, I can go where I want, when I want, and with whom I want - though recently a recluse.

So many of my friends go from one wretched relationship to another never taking a moment to breathe in between or they speed date through life never settling down. Then I have the friends that are holding out for the elusive ONE. (so many of us are victims of watching too many romantic comedies) So, I'm told if I don't want to be lonely (a spinster) than I need to date.

I absolutely loathe dating. It's such anthropological excrement...same old lines, same old everything. It's a sham, a cliche...always obscuring their true colors and ughhh now I've invested time and affections into some guy that's not even real. What? See how it's making me bitter and I'm not a bitter person. But this subject...

Sure, I could apply my eternal optimism towards dating hoping it will eventually pay off. Honestly, why bother? Is it so unfair to want a companion? What about having something in common to talk about? Music, movies, books, politics and religion (most tend to shy away from such subject matter, but I'm a curious kitty...I embrace and respect that all of us have an opinion) or current events? Does no one read anymore? What about a kick ass concert? Will no one challenge my mind?

So I'm resigned to the idea that it's not likely I will find a companion through a tainted and twisted ritual of lies and propaganda. Why can't anyone just be themselves anymore? We all have imperfections. I want to know your qualities and your imperfections. Just be you.

What she wants..

My friend begins her story just like this...she says there's this great guy and he really is the whole package. He's continuing his education, and he's funny and very good looking. Eloquent and charming. Stylish and interesting with debonairre-like manners. Very flirtatious and his eyes and his lips, oh how they beckon. But... he has a girlfriend.

I tell her to run, she glares at me and says she knows, she knows...but she can't. It all happened so fast. She doesn't know how she got there at light spped and at the same time she knows with the girlfriend thing it stands little chance? But, he says all the right things and he is Super Suave. I am now beside myself at her gullibility. She just got her heart broken. What the hell is she thinking? I mean really is she falling for this? She's got to be the most naive person I know!! She says he seems so sincere, says that he has looked her dead in the eyes and told her that she isn't, nor will she be played. He's says he's drawn to her, it's because she's beautiful, sexy, classy, adorable and funny. He says she carries herself well and she's feminine, that he's very picky but she truly stands out.

But ...the girlfriend. He says it's over, but because of the girl's situation he feels pity and can't bring himself to end it, not until she's on her own and on her feet. He says it would lack compassion.(sadly she relates) She's mad at me and says I wouldn't understand, I had to be there she says...it was real, it was genuine.

SO >>> I ask her what does SHE want. She pauses and rolls her eyes. Then she says... I want a companion, a loving relationship that has meaning, someone I can laugh with and spend time with, someone that gets me and makes me feel like I'm the only woman in the room. She's terrified that she would come to grow in her affections so quickly, and I can see it in her face. She says she wants to share something special and thinks that she might have a chance with him. She doesn't want an affair or a fling but she believes there really is something there, something beyond the physical attraction. So, I tell her if he's sincere in his intentions and his interest and his affections for her, then he'd understand why she has to back away. He has to be truly open and unattached (if he in fact really wants the same thing with her) for the timing to be right and for this to have any real chance. And if he doesn't understand, then she was nothing more than a mere conquest. Better to know now, than hurt later.

Making an Overstatement

A friend recently asked a man why older men aren't interested in women her age, why do they seek out younger women. The two are around the same age, lower 50's. (though to look at her - you couldn't tell) His response was shameful.

Women his age have excessive baggage, because most have been in and out of failed relationships or married and/or divorced, they stand to be bitter, they're expectations higher. They know what they want and due to life experience they also know what they don't want. They want a man to be on time and if he's going to be late or a no show, then he needs to call. He needs to show his affections demonstratively and constantly check-in. A younger woman doesn't know any better. She doesn't care if he doesn't call when he's late, she's more forgiving (whatever the circumstance), she doesn't want to check-in all the time so she's not checking up on him all the time. Younger women are more open to learn from an older man, which is certainly more preferable to being told what to do.

After hearing this, I was aghast at his honesty but also at his immaturity. Essentially he is saying a younger woman is easier to control. Baffled, bewildered and beside myself. So it got me thinking...I know younger women that have a lot going for them and would never allow a man to control them. Age is irrelevent unless that's just a bullshit facade for the fact that he just wants a younger woman because it's younger body, it's the flesh. I could be wrong. I hope I am. Women are beautiful. I've seen women in their 40's with better bodies than a 20 year old and vice versa. Does age really have that great a bearing?

First, a woman confident in herself and happy with where she is in her life, regardless of her age will know what she does and does not want. Despite failed relationships if she's found a way to come to terms with herself, she's already dealt with repercussions, self-discovery and self reflection. This is just this kind of bogus negative perspective and attitude that runs rampant in men's minds. (not all men think this way)

Has man's moral compass completely gone to hell? Women with strong conviction, personal growth and perserverance, fierce independence and confidence are no longer sexy? Because we can take care of ourselves, or our children, work full time, come home and cook, clean, do laundry, find time for friends and still look like we spent all day at the spa >> you'd rather find a girl you can push around? Maybe I'm wrong, but if a woman can do all of that on her own - wouldn't you want a woman that knows who she is? Wouldn't it be better to have someone add to your life as opposed to being needed or be with someone needy? This can't be right!!

So what does that say for the younger man that would rather date the older woman? Is that just some Mrs. Robinson phase some men go through as a right of passage for coming of age only to revert back to the younger females because they're curiosity has been satiated? I can't buy that either.

Seems like we'd be better off not generalizing males or females. Individually we're all unique, we don't all think alike even as a gender. Even when bonding with the same gender you can't use labels. You just can't.

A little Faith Restored

I got a few surprising answers...some expected, some well that completely threw me for a loop. Ranging from surprise getaways for a weekend, mowing a lawn for 6 months to get a girl's attention, marriage, children, to taking time off work to be with a girl's mother while her father had surgery.

It was refreshing to see the collage of answers, to know that men will and are capable of being creative and sacrificing and chivalrous. And in retrospect are we women going out of our way to return the favor for someone that really makes us swoon?

It's a give and take road. And if the journey is long, shouldn't we continue our travels together in a loving and actionable expression of our affections?

Is Chivalry Dead?

I've decided I'm going to ask every man I see what was the nicest thing he ever did for a girl he was crazy about or loved. I don't believe chivalry is dead. And I think my research should be interesting. I look forward to updating the information.

Realizations...

It feels like it's just another game. It's so disheartening. Is dating something for me? The "friendship" thing is a farce, a lie. It's just another way to reel you in and then throw you back when they're done with you. I don't regret it, even if it was a lie - it helped bring on some realizations.

I'm kind and generous and trusting and somehow that is perceived as a weakness. It can and has made me naive at times, especially in matters of the heart because I believe I'm being taken seriously. I'm done dating emotionally unstable and immature guys, I'd like a man who is confident and knows what he wants and is sincere in his interest in me, to step up. Please don't misconstrue - I'm not saying these are bad men - they are good men, with the potential to be a great men. I just wish they had not deceived me - there is a great loss in my heart for those I thought to be my friend.

I know what I'm worth. I don't need a man, but it would be nice if maybe one could add something special to my life. I am a strong independent woman, I'm not afraid to stand on my own. I know where I've been, how I got there, and where I'd like to go with my life. I choose to be positive and optimistic. I know some find that to be one of my qualities. I'm always finding something good in even the most dismal of situations. I'm happy with who I am and everyday I strive towards self improvement and bettering the quality of my life and those that are a part of it. I'd like to share that with someone, someone that thinks I add something special to their life.

I know he's out there.

Once bitten...

It's been a tough week. Things went from bad to worse and quickly. One moment he was sweet and affectionate and caring, then after a weekend with the boys and a "surprise double blind date" everything changed.

First, I'd like to just say, why would your friends hook you up on a blind date if they knew you were seeing someone? Guess I wasn't much to talk about when it came to that crowd? Second, if you were so upset and mad about going on the blind date, why'd you go? Lies...And if she was throwing herself at you why didn't you just take advantage? Evidently, you felt you had no obligation to me. Afterall, I'm nothing more than a friend chasing after you?? Ugh! I can't even begin to tell you how much that one hurt. Yeah, some friend...a person you could confide in and share intimate secrets and have sex with but somehow I was just a noose around your neck? Oh Thank God I was there, when you needed me, but now that you don't you feel compelled enough to discard me, cut me completely out of your life? Some friend!

I've been through so many emotions this week, it's been a roller-coaster ride. Pain, anger, disbelief, anxiety, and bewilderment.

You know, at first I started to think it was something I did. But I know I didn't do anything to deserve any of this. The greatest loss is the friendship. Because few people understood what was going on and few people seemed to care, but I did.

Once bitten, twice shy...recovering from this is turning into hell.

You're Hot then You're Cold

It's a little like a Katy Perry song, to be honest. One moment it's hot, the next it's ice cold. So much up and down and no sense of security or feeling of whether a connection is even still there. I'm left without clues, no calls, no texts, no conversation that might lead to where this is going. I feel completely pushed away. An act of desperation though not clear as to the why. I feel disrespected. Left to my own devices, thoughts and resolutions ain't always pretty for me, but I am a survivor. Make no mistake about it!

"Love is ecstacy and agony. Freedom and imprisonment. Belonging and loneliness. It is what keeps us together when life tears us apart."

Isn't it interesting how when you pick someone's brain on the subject of dating you can learn something new? Friend of mine has finally stepped out of a funk. She was in a difficult relationship that was going nowhere. She decided to let go and it was very painful, it took some time to grieve. Now the sun is shining, she is vibrant and full of life and even stepping "outside the box" (inside joke). She met a guy that tickled her fancy, so she decided she'd attempt to get his attention. She did, and even though she decided against the idea of further pursuit, once she learned more about him, it was a truly exciting moment. She is incredibly shy so this was a big deal. Now, with a fresh perspective and confidence - I believe she will find what she is looking for and I can't wait to see her happy.

Sometimes you have to open yourself up to possibility of love in order for it to find you.

Preoccupied

My dating life has been pretty non-existent. I had some uber important tasks to accomplish, now things are settled. It's time to shake things up a bit.

A friend of mine calls me "HDT" Hot Date Thursday, alas no hot dates to share. My latest has also been preoccupied and sadly things have simmered down. We still talk and occasionally rendezvous for a pleasant distraction, but I fear he's lost that lovin feelin. I say lovin loosely because for as much as I enjoy nostalgia and romanticising everything...it is what it is. Chockin this one up to I was ready for the next level, and shocking - he wasn't! I stuck it out long enough and sadly will have to let it go. I want someone that has a genuine interest in me. He's a wonderful guy, I wish it could've lived up to it's potential. I'm very sad about this decision, but I have to be taken seriously.

So much to tell, OH no worries...I committed myself to blogging and while there have been a few hiccups, I intend to see this to the end. The juicy news to share isn't about me, but that's why I started this blog, and for the moment no one can vicariously live through me...in retrospect, I'm happy to be the vessel of communication.

Potential

I'm not even sure what I'm doing. Does it even matter that I have this ominous uneasy feeling? Am I ready for anything to progress? I'm crazy about him. But all my previous relationships were in fast forward and didn't play out well. I just don't think I'm ready. I have so many important things going on that consume me. And it feels like we don't really have a chance. He's damaged goods and thinks I'm going to be like one of his ex's. I'm damaged goods and think he'll turn out to be one of my ex's. I don't even think he likes me all that much any more. I know, I know...the butterflies and all that don't last forever. Funny. I still feel them, but I'm a hopeless romantic. I accept that there will be times when things become stagnant. I'm pretty creative, I think I can handle it. He's a young single bachelor that isn't willing to include me in certain aspects of his life. I'm willing to make room for him - but there are aspects of mine, I'm not sure of too. It's terrifying! No wonder neither of us can get past this awkward moment. I'll tell you this much, I know what I don't want. Still I like him enough to see if this could live up to its potential.

Precarious situation

So - I was able to sort a few things out with dude. But only to find myself completely clueless where to go from here. I got to tell you, I'm so confused, and I'm not liking this at all. What the what? I refuse to be a 2nd option. So - guess I'm going to have to take matters into my own hands. It's a bit of a precarious situation I'm in.

Why am I still be stalked by one guy? While the one I really like could care less? And then there's one showing a real active interest (for now) and another trying - thinks he's slick!?

Yes I know I seem vulnerable - but really?

Hot to Cold

My friends tell me, move on and forget about this guy. If he isn't mature enough to see where this could go or smart enough to see what's in front of him than, why waste my time? Yes, there is truth to that - but I can't get him out of my head. I'm trying desperately to shake this off. In a brief amount of time, I've come to care about him and I KNOW he cares about me. It was too great of a connection, a beautiful journey, a real romance. Now, I wear a smile and laugh so no one (save for one) is the wiser. This is frustrating beyond belief over what the hell happened! Truly an enigma! And to go on pretending like this didn't have a tremendous impact emotionally and then continue to talk to him, is proving to be an absolute challenge. Normally, I go head first (yes, occasionally with no real thought) when a challenge presents itself, but this one...I can't just let it go. I am going to have to confront this face to face. I have to reconcile my feelings and get closure. You just don't go from that hot to ice cold. You just don't! You just don't!!

At least try...

So, I've been sulking. And yes - it's all about a guy. I refuse to let him know how sad I actually am, but if he is still tuned in at all to me, then he probably knows. And it pisses me off! I don't like giving up that control, but it's my fault because I wear my heart on my sleeve.

So I keep going over this whole thing...again and again. I just don't get it. How do you go from "I've never liked anyone this much" to nothing. I am beyond baffled. How do you just turn that off? We're still talking, though it's tapered off and the flirting(sadly - because WOW) has slowed to a crawl. And why is he keeping the line of communication so open? Is he trying to keep peace so things aren't awkward? Is he trying to make sure I don't fall apart and go psycho? (haha - that last one was ridiculously funny) I don't fall apart and I don't go psycho. Is he unsure of his decision?

It's driving me crazy! Was he just that good of a player? Saying all the right things, doing all the right things. No - I don't believe that. (though I've been wrong) We had a very intense, very deep connection. No one has made me feel that silly and girly and excited since, well...I don't know when. Argh!!

What do I do? I have no say in this. I just leave it alone, I guess. Maybe I should just go on a date or something...already had 2 guys ask. Just doesn't feel right though. It's not fair either, they could be good guys. How did I let this happen? Why does this hurt so much?? It's not supposed to hurt like this. I'm supposed to be able to turn it off just like he did. Then why can't I? This is so completely frustrating! Confused and pissed! The jerk!

Something is up...I feel it. Something else is contributing to this other than my screw up and his not wanting to at least try. I mean - really, at least try...or was it all a lie?

And just like that...make no mistake about it!

A Beastie Boys song comes to mind...Sabotage. Yes, it was me that ultimately set this in motion. I got all girlie about an incident and let's just say my approach was less than tactful. Needless, to say - it got him to thinking. He isn't ready for a relationship. He doesn't want to answer to anyone. I expressed some discontent for the way I feel he treated me. And it got him thinking...so now, it's over. Not let's slow down or give me some time because I really like you and I don't know where to go from here. No - it's just done. Because any expression of feelings from a woman is taboo. Let's face it. There were odds stacked against us to begin with - like age. He's 30, I'm older. He's a devoted bachelor, I'm a hopeless romantic. Bruised and damaged. Worst part is I really, really liked him. Still do. Cried for a while, crying again - because I'm like a lovelorn teenager. (and all sensitive) I want to say at least he was honest - but it fucking hurts. So now the walls go flying up. Because sadly, I thought but this might lead to something. Just answer me this - how do go from telling someone you really like them and you could fall for them and you can't stop thinking about them to nothing? This is going to hurt, but I will wear a smile and pick myself up. I have pride - I always find my way...always. Make no mistake about it!

Crazy Cool

I have to say, my dating life is really good right now. I'm going with the flow. I'm liking this guy more and more. (yeah, even get butterflies!) He is such a gentleman and romantic!!! He is so crazy cool, I'm baffled. I deserve a great guy, and for once, I think I got lucky. He makes me laugh so much and we're so on the same page, it's insane. He's thoughtful and considerate and sexy. Just keeping my fingers crossed and hoping it doesn't lose momentum.

The sweetest thing...

What has come over me? I am giddy like a school girl, infatuated, crushin and ridiculously happy, thanks to this amazing guy. It's silly I know, but I really don't know what to do. He says the sweetest most unbelievable things to me. I mean I really like him. And not just because of the things he says, never mind how thoughtful he is or that he opens doors and is a complete gentleman...he gets me, he actually gets me.

He's incredibly funny, and I'm so comfortable when I'm with him. He is soooo cute (and modest? he has absolutely no idea of just how cute he is) the humility is killin me. Most guys are cocky and self-absorbed. Not him! He's just so different in a million interesting ways. He's so smart and he actually listens to what I say. (like recapping a previous conversation - what?!) He's affectionate and truly attentive. It's all too good to be true. A huge smile comes across my face when he calls, or when I catch him lookin at me or when he texts me.

I know, I know - it's completely ridiculous that I feel this way in such a short period of time, but I'm just going with the flow. I'm resisting the urge to be suspicious or over-analyze or overthink, and I have absolutely no reason to be those things. He's given me no reason to believe otherwise - he's been honest and open. It's crazy - crazy, I say!

Please tell me I'm not dreaming! Don't screw this up...please don't screw this up!

Strength

So I was cleaning out and organizing paperwork and I found a poem I wrote in one of my darkest moments. Just after a horrific break-up with my ex-fiancee. Be warned, it is dark. I've come a long, long way since then.

White knuckles on a balled fist.
Grinding my teeth & biting down in despair.
Anger. Rage. Hate.
I see red, orange and blue flames burning.
My chest is blazing with pain.
Frozen icy numbness creeps quietly, slowly.
Love is lost, nothing but bitter stillness.
The seething rage is beneath my skin.
Twisted and tortured > turmoil spinning relentlessly in my head.
Alone - again, alone with troubling thoughts.
Bruised, beaaten, broken and changed infinitely.
Fighting back tears blood red with hate.
Restraining the heart to maintain the soul.
Wanting to run and hide from too many watcthful eyes.
To burn alone swimming in pools of endless pain
Wishing mountainous wall could rise up to protect my weakened pulse.
No longer heightened with joy and love - only pain feels real.
Eyes forcefully turned away before a river of hot tears
Begins to flow away from a gaze now empty & hardened.
Gone is the fire that once fiercely lit them.
Look away I must or suffer the cruelty of coldness.
Breathing is shallow, my chest is heavy.
I can't breathe, I can't fake a smile, I can't stop the tears.
Cringing. Locking it up and turning it off.
Later, later I will grieve - but now I must find strength.
'I must find strength.

I did find more strength than you can imagine.  And I'm so glad I found my way through that, it was quite possibly one of the most bleak moments in my life.  If it wasn't for my family (my kids and parents and brothers) who were a rock and supported me, I'd never have survived.  My Mom called me every single day, sometimes a dozen times a day, just to make sure I was alive.  My parents would bring food and money, which was wonderful because I didn't know how to ask for help.  I didn't know how to tell my family that the man I loved - had broken my ribs, almost broke my elbow, obliterated my sinus cavity, put a gun in my face and was still using.  The danger we were in - was beyond anyone's knowledge.  I didn't know how to tell anyone.  I tried so hard to hide everything from everyone.   My son knew though.  The refrigerator was broken, so we lived out of a cooler.  There was no hot water, no A/C for over 3 months.  My kids and I shared a room with 3 fans to make it through the grueling 100 degree summer.  I lost over 40 pounds and was at my lowest weight.  I would go days without eating to ensure that my kids did eat.  The damage that was done by someone I trusted and loved more than life itself was irreparable.   But the depression that almost killed me was after I found the strength to kick him out.  Still I have no regrets.  My kids are incredible and amazing and you've never seen or met anyone quite like them.  A 14 year old young man stood in the face of a 6'2" 240 lb man with more courage than I've ever seen before.  This would make for more than the dozen times that my son saved my life.  I had made some poor choices following my heart.  Drugs and addiction can do things to people.  I was trying to save someone who couldn't be saved.  In the process I lost so much of who I was, I neglected my kids and I put them in harms' way.  There were times I thought I'd never live through that broken heart. There were times I thought I'd never be able to look my kids in the face.  It took me a long time to recover and even longer to forgive myself.   I've come a long way.  My kids are my world.  They are my rock.  They are my everything.  The bond I have with them is unbreakable.  Lots of people say they have great relationships with their kids - but I can't imagine anything better than the one I have with my kids.  I don't like to dwell on the past.  But I do like to look back on my life and see just how far I've come.  

The Wait...

I totally screwed up. I let my thoughts and tendency to overanalyze take over. Usually I can turn it off - but he saw right through me. He's great...everything's intense and I really like him. But it's scaring the hell out of me. Things are moving fast and I think neither one of us knows what to do, or where to go from here. And the worst thing I could've done was bring up awkward questions or reveal how much I like him. Momentum was lost. Little worried now that he will back off completely. Damn. Just have to wait it out and see what happens. Wherever the wind blows I guess.

Surreal

How can this be?? Just when I needed a man to renew my faith...wouldn't you know one came along!! I'm in a daze too, because it all seems so surreal. I really don't know what to think, too good to be true? Here comes this guy...someone I really like, a lot in common, great sense of humor, great-looking, good principles, affectionate, thoughtful and strangely I think he really likes me. Our first official date was amazing and we both are acting like high school kids. WOW - I hope this doesn't lose momentum, I'm enjoying it way too much. Keeping my fingers crossed!!

I said it!

It doesn't happen very often, but every once in a while people shock you. I don't want to jinx anything and I definitely don't want to over-analyze but I had a really great time tonight. There, I said it! Why am I all giggly and silly inside like a school girl?

Ouch

Ouch. That hurt. Yep, it definitely left a mark. I just don't get it. Why can't I meet a nice guy? A guy that actually respects me? It would be nice to find a guy that truly has an interest in me, not just my panties. WTF! I know I'm worth more than this. Grrrrr!

Really?? I'm so desperately trying not to become a male bashing lesbian fembot. And no that's not a jab at lesbians. I am so frustrated right now. Someone renew my faith in men...please!

Online hook-up

Does anyone actually have a successful relationship via online dating? It cracks me up! You see all the sensational commercials showing these couples that met and are now soulmates. It's a farce! I mean really? People lie online more so than they lie to your face. I would love to hear a real successful love story where two people connected and are now Mr and Mrs or just happy as fat kids with cake. I'm calling bullshit. Just sayin... I think the online dating is just another means or channel for hook-ups like Facebook or Myspace etc... I know a few people that swear by it - I'd also like to add, they're still single. I don't know I think that sums it up - don't you?

Must love music

I'm so very tainted from chic flicks and romantic comedies. Got to love them, but my favorites are action or horror. Desperately trying to refrain from tears as I watch John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale find each other in 'Serendipity' also referred to as "a fortunate accident". Uh-yeah I need to let it go since I've seen it a dozen times. John Cusack is dreamy. At least I think he is from the characters he's portrayed. But I digress.

Thinking, as these types of movies often force me to do, about what it is I want. For starters...a companion, share secrets and inside jokes. Someone that will laugh with me (or at me) just gets my self-depricated twisted humor...and is witty and funny. Honesty, yes sometimes it hurts but its the Truth. Give me my space and take time for your own interests. I dont need you to define me. Enhance my life, make me want to be a better person. Have your own friends, we don't need to be attached at the hip. NO jealousy or possessiveness. Must love music. Passion, a perpetual burning flame. Must love kids. Patience. Loyalty. Intelligent...most definitely intelligent. Blow my mind and the rest of me will follow. Sex drive...well it had better be an insatiable appetite. Flawed with life experience, just not bitter and hateful. Understand I am flawed - far from perfect. There's a story there and it's a big part of the fabric and edifice of my essence and being. It's in the past...take me as I am, don't try to change me - I don't want to change you.

Get a grip

Know anyone that just gets you? Someone that truly identifies with you they grasp your thought process so much it's like osmosis? They get your inside jokes with no explanation. They appreciate your twisted sense of humor. They easily pick up on your innuendo and effortlessly play along. Too bad they're taken. Too bad timing is off. Seriously, it can be painful yet refreshing when they are around or in your thoughts.

Just don't get it...

Yeah, so it's been a while - but I was lacking motivation. Not that I'm all that motivated now. I just don't get men. I've met at least 2 guys now, both seemed interested. But oddly enough, one has dropped off the face of the earth and the other - well it's too early to tell. Never mind, the one I was already seeing. Him too! Fell off the earth. I'm so over it. I'm exhausted with racking my brain to figure it all out. So I've decided that I don't care. I mean I do. I say I don't want a relationship and it's true for deeper reasons I don't. One, I don't want to committ myself to having to give that much right now. I'm still trying to recover from the last bad relationship. Two, I'm trying to focus on myself. Now I know that sounds selfish - but I've been in monogamous relationships that lasted a long time and ended badly. Three, my kids and family are so important to me. And frankly (this may sound slightly bitter) I haven't met a guy that's willing to put in the same kind of committment. Yes I have met guys with potential. But it's always the same thing...I'm just out of a relationship so I don't want one right now. Yes I know I'm contradicting myself. I'd just like to meet a guy that is actually interested in me. Not just sex. I'll know when I meet him. It's all about timing, right?

Ladies...take care

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve - than HELL no,
You can't be friends',
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is
Don't stay because you think it will get better'
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things were not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends, separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything* He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are....
Even if he has more education or a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...
Compromise is a two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...
There is NOTHING cute about baggage...
Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...
A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals.
Look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.*
Keep him in your radar, but get to know others.
Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful:
Dr Phil You should know that:
You're the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you,
He'll miss out on a good thing, especially if he was attracted to you in the 1st place.
Just know that he's not the only one,
They're all watching you, so you have choices.
Make the right one.
Ladies take care of your own hearts...
Share this with other women and men (just so they know)...
You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and help another woman prepare.

Suck it up

Search the world over and you will always find that guy that draws females like shit draws flies. And he can come off super suave and charismatic. Putting everything out there. You know - don't go falling in love with me. I'm seeing other women, we aren't dating, I'm just out of a bad relatioinship, I dont want to be in a new one.

Silly girl you start to care about the guy, because you've actually become a victim of your own naivety. You believe that the way you feel when you're with him is somehow the way he feels about you. Something happens. He trips up. Says something or does something and instinct calls it out. You ask a question fully on faith that no matter how ridiculous the question or how bad the answer could hurt - he's going to tell the truth. It's what you agreed to...but he doesn't. And as time goes by you stumble upon truths he continues to omit and lies you shouldn't have to question.

What the...you know this can't be happening. Despite the lack of exclusivity you both set boundaries. In an open relationship with very little drawn in the sand what's the point of lying??

So you can't help but wonder and think and dig deep within yourself, ask friends for insight or advice, perhaps a devil's advocate. Some say run, others say - he likes you, some say he's gay, and still others think he's testing you. Some say he's been hurt, can't trust women and doesn't know how to stop bein the player. Give it time. I say what do you want? Why are you waiting on this guy? Sure it matters because you care. But you should come first.

Stop obsessing. Go out. Have fun. If it doesnt feel right, move on. If you think there's something there - see where it goes. Otherwie, stop whining and savor life.

One or Two

I have been struggling with my thoughts and how to put them into words lately. SO I haven't been as diligent in writing as I should.

I made a decision or two that are out of character. Well - the jury is still out. On one hand, the one guy - I like and have developed feelings and we have a nice time, but it seems to be growing stagnant. Then there's this other guy that's taken an interest, he's peaked my curiosity.

Dilemma. Confusion.

Two took me out and we had a blast. I do enjoy going out, meeting new people and tasting and experiencing life the way it's meant to be - no hold barred.

Now, one is looking to hook up. Two is anxious to hook up. But two's offer is more inviting. I have been seeing one for much longer and there is a bond, though how deep is anyone's guess. One has secrets. And here I thought he'd be the honest guy. Two has secrets, but may be more willing to reveal himself as he's already expressed an interest in a potential relationship. He's also invited me to Miami. And to Bern's.

Wouldnt it be nice for one to step up his game, play like he did in the beginning, maybe he's bored? Two has promise and is giving one a run for his money. One doesn't know about two, and two has vague details on one. Though it was one's idea from get-go to date others. But one hasn't asked. Funny thing - I wonder if one cares?!

SO I'm dating two guys. Yes - most definitely out of character. What to do, what to do??

Embracing truths...

So my horoscope says I need to embrace the new direction my romantic affairs are taking. And well - I pushed through some very pressing questions and got some very surprising answers recently. Honestly, I didn't expect the responses I got and it was somewhat refreshing. So for now another renewed faith in this whole new process of "seeing someone". So I thought I'd open myself up a little bit more to this and truly embrace it. Not for the idea of a horoscope but because I was wanting something to progress too quickly. I kind of like that things are moving slowly. I have so many responsibilities that need tending to and take priority, that I don't have to time to put all my focus on one person.

Its good for me to learn how to balance things. And I'm just a one person kind of girl, so dating several people is just not my thing. It is what it is and I am who I am. This is a learning process for me, I learn more introspectively about myself all the time.

Hanging out and having a good time works for me. I'm remaining positive and keeping in mind that this isn't just about me. It's good to keep things in perspective.

Let's Dance

Digging my heels in deep and they're stilettos so good luck, baby! Best to know your opponent before engaging them. I don't back down from a challenge, I don't yield and I never let anyone just win. Sure you've had more practice and you're used to breaking hearts. You get what you want and you discard so quickly. You play tough but you're not as hard-bitten as you pretend. A moment of weakness, and I recognized the fragility from before. It was faint - at first, but now I know. So when you see me smirking and smiling, maybe its your jokes and sarcastic sense of self-depricating humor or maybe I know you're letting your guard down. And deep down inside I know your just a sweet little pussycat, tiger. You like me. You don't want to and I see you fighting it, but you do. You didn't expect to, you like having your options open. It's okay, I'll dance this one with you.

Stray thoughts

Normally it would be very therapeutic to write and post my thoughts. Yet somehow, I can't pull one tangible subject to apply my focus. Instead, one idea races in just as quickly as the other has made it's pitch. A sign of ADD, perhaps. lol! Truth is, I have so much to say, I just don't know where to begin. So - I will ponder over these things that plaque my mind. Sort through them and circle back...

Hoping all is well in love, dating and relationships - as many are still basking in the fervor and glow of Valentine's Day. (not me) But one can always be hopeful and happy for everyone else!

Be mine

Today could go one or the other, affectionately speaking. It can be the greatest day filled with the promise of love, joy and happiness. Or it can be filled with sorrow and sadness. If you are with someone you truly care about it can be a glorious day. Just to be near that special someone, can lift your spirits to new heights. When you are alone, there is a tremendous sadness and the pain can be overwhelming. For all of you sharing in a passionate sweet opportunity to share your affections with someone special, I hope you remember to count your blessings. Valentine's day is said to be an incredibly romantic day for couples. It can be the loneliest day for those of us searching for someone to return our affections.

Today, I will smile for all of you that have that special someone. I will also smile for those of us still burning bright with eternal hope that we will find our special someone.

Happy Valentine's!

Falling from grace..

We are strong intelligent, independent, beautiful women. We take charge of our lives. We raise our kids. We care for our families. We make good conscious life changing decisions. We work and pay our bills. We're there for our friends. And we are the party.

Why is it when we find a guy, we put him on a pedestal, lose ourselves, make crazy irrational choices and then get walked on? We are fabulous women. We know what we want. We become consumed by the moment, romanticising amidst the lies and deceit and then get played? How do we fall from grace? Every other aspect of our life is well managed and carefully thought out. We become so wrapped up in the wrong guys. Sure at first we don't see it, even though it eventually it is quite apparent - we choose to look the other way or ignore it. We live with this idea of what we know they are capable of and the notion that that is what they will ultimately revert back to and fix all the wrongs and make it right. This isn't an imagined. It isn't silly. This isn't a self projection. This is based on their words and actions. At one time, this was how they presented themselves. We start to wonder if there's something wrong with us, because things start to go wrong. We begin to compromise our beliefs and try to accomodate their needs, forgeting our own. We lose sight of reality. Accepting the redundant apologies, always waiting.

But then somewhere along the way our eyes are opened. We begin to see things we wished we hadn't. At first, we beat ourselves up, angry that we allowed things to happen. But then theres a calm. Clarity at last! And yes, we take back control. We channel the pain. We use it to right the wrongs and begin to rebuild. Defiant and fierce we remember what we are worth and how undeserving they've been.

And just like that...I came to my senses. I walked away. I was in love with a man that only loved himself. All the details of my life came together. I realized this man isn't the poster child for all men. I knew I had just picked the wrong one and while I allowed myself to be manipulated - he was a bad man. I'm a better woman, not because of him - but because of me. I'm too strong to let it happen again. And I smile now when I think of how I pulled from strength I never knew I had. My friends and family that were there for me.

There are good men out there. There are good women out there. And everyday I see people coming together with the promise of happiness and hope.

Shy girl...

So my friend is what you might call a little shy. She recently met someone that she thinks is "delicious". She is on a date with him tonight, actually. She says they have been talking and she really likes him. She has never felt this kind of chemistry and attraction toward anyone like this before. Inferring that she came to the conclusion that if the night goes well she felt comfortable enough to take matters in her own hands. She says he's quite the gentleman. What's this you say? A gentleman? It's not just a physical attraction, because you can certainly tell she is smitten. She is torn between compromising herself for pure unadulterated lust... and holding back. Is it so wrong that she wants this for herself? Personally, I think she deserves to do what she wants. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, it's between the two of them and if that's what moves her, she's a grown woman capable of making good and safe decisions. I hope she has fun. I hope the date and the evening bend in her favor. And I hope he's just as crazy about her...

Special Guest or Foolish Girl

And just like that - I learned exactly where I fit, "categorically speaking"! A facebook posting too hastily written with little thought to his friends putting him on blast. Maybe some means for approval from friends or the 'special guest'? (ahh technology!) And so I learned just what he felt I was worth. That makes someone else the Special Guest, and yes - I'm the Foolish Girl. I got played...do you want to know why I got played? I thought he was going to be different and be honest. Listen, at first he was on the level. He set the boundaries. Why not tell the truth?? Why bother with the whole I'm seeing you, but I may see other people?? If ultimately faced with the reality of the boundaries you drew in the sand and set forth you are going to lie?? Here I go...I gave the opportunity for him to ante up. Why didn't he? No - don't tell me this is all some big misunderstanding. Really??? He broke plans with me. My life can get complicated and quickly, it's not easy to make plans. So yeah, hell yeah I'm upset!

Yes, I am still trying to figure out exactly what it is that I want. I thought I wanted this, because it was trying on something different. Truth is at heart I really just want that one someone that I can date and see. No, no relatioship. I still want my freedom for my family and friends and myself. I laid down my boundaries. So, I played along, I tried the 'just the friend thing'. Who was I kidding? Still, it hurts more than I'm willing to admit. I liked him alot and for a moment I wanted it to go somewhere. Foolish girl for thinking that it sorta kinda was starting to...go somewhere. He is a true player, he pulled me in because he wanted to I didn't imagine all of it. Damn it! Why did I see more to him than he credits himself or maybe I just forged a connection, because I really wanted one?

You can't break my spirit or put out my fire!

Dating your ex?

So I met a few friends out the other night. Some I had not seen in a while and another that I see often. It wasn't uncomfortable but it was odd, that my friend was with her ex. Which is complicated because technically they're not divorced. And the split is fresh within the last year and they're sorting through the details bcause they have a child. Now for all implicit purposes she has moved on, and he is aware of it too. Then why is she dating her ex? Now, he is of the impression that things can be worked out. She doesn't want to lose him as a friend. Part of her doesn't want to let go. But she is ready to move on with her life. At what point does she sever it? Should she? Better still - can you still hold onto a friendship with your ex, if your ex still has a thing for you? Isn't is misleading for both of you? And won't it complicate any relationship in the future - let alone the idea of dating altogether?? Not all relationships end badly, but how and when can you be friends with the ex?

Approval from friends and family...

I have been a slacker! It's been days since I've been on here and shame on me.

A friend of mine is seeing this guy. Their relationship is fresh and fairly new...seeing each other for a little over a month. Things seem to be going well...for now. But it's an awkward sticky phase. Kind of that point where you don't know where you are yet. Things are going good and you want them to progress but progress to what exactly? There are still some individually complicating issues, and that uncertainty of what the other one is thinking or wanting. Signs are there that say maybe but at the same time - it's oh so confusing. The sex is phenomenal...and even the friendship is gaining momentum and building. He seems to be caring and thoughtful and she goes out of her way for him. But where is it going? Who knows? Guess we all just have to wait and see what happens... Neither of them wants the pressure of a relationship. Oddly, it seems they're both kind of fighting something that may be a good thing. And furthermore, what kind of advice is ole boy getting from his friends? Her friends tell her to date other guys - don't limit yourself, you owe him nothing. But inherently she can't help but feel drawn to him and feel as though she'd be disloyal in dating other guys. Is he in fact dating other women? Is he testing her? They get along just fine...but I think maybe the next step is exposing each other to their friends.

Why do our friends and family have such a great impact on how we will or won't accept that somebody new? For some of us our friends have been along for the ride since we were children. We have close families and we share intimate details of our lives with friends and family. Sometimes they see something we may not be capable of seeing. It doesn't mean their word is the 'be all end all' but we do value their opinion. Do your friends and family have an impact on whom you may or may not get involved with?

Patience

I've avoided the topic of sex long enough. Let me just dive right in. I wanted to get a few other issues and thoughts out there first. A friend recently shared in the joy of having their first child. I guess you could say frustrations of a another sort prevail. Mommy just had a baby, so she is still a little hormonal, not feeling 100%, her body bearing the mark of having had a baby - she is recovering and this can be a long healing process. Adjusting to the needs of a newborn can be incredibly exhausting and add a lot of pressure to a relationship. Daddy shares in the responsibilities. He is supportive and has discovered a new 'fondness' or perhaps just a stirring of affections for Mommy. He is finding Mommy's returning glow and curves to be oh so inviting. Finding time and getting her in the mood - well, that doesn't come as easily. While they have had a few cherished moments since the newest addition to the family, my friend feels its just not enough.

We all have needs and for some of us our sex drive may be a bit higher. But is he asking for too much too soon? He says he tells her how beautiful she is, he respects and loves her but in his mind - he doesn't want to keep his hands off her. She is struggling to get that confidence and sexiness back that she needs to feel to have or want sex. Don't get me wrong. For men it seems a bit simpler, men are so aesthetic and women need connection. Having spontaneous unbridled passionate hot sex can be the kitty cat's meow...and I'll save that for another conversation. His question is geared toward needing advice on how to approach this rather sensitive subject without coming across selfish and uncaring. He wants her know that he also wants to meet her needs. All he can do is be patient. She is the object of his affection, but he genuinely feels slightly neglected. He understands and accepts a baby brings compromise and changes aspects of the relationship. But he really really really wants his wife. Keep your head up, keep telling her how beautiful and sexy she is - eventually the heat will return and get turned up and all will get back in sync. If the baby is napping, steal a moment. Romance her. Give her a backrub or a footrub. She will reward you. Who knows?? Just give it time. Try not to get frustrated. And if you're going to approach it, be gentle and kind and loving. She loves you and knows you have needs.

Someone

A gorgeous girlfriend of mine recently became single. (look out boys!) It was a very long, very tumultuous relationship. Needless to say she is very comforted to be done with it. We got to talking about the advantages and disadvantages of dating. She expressed that she had a few guys lined up and was enjoying the attention and having fun with being single. It strokes the ego and it makes you feel wanted. There have been moments when none of those vying for her affections were interesting. Maybe they were players, liars, or just plain boring. What she said next was no shock to me, it was so easy to relate. While there was attention and she was dating and seeing what her options are - she really just wanted ONE guy that she could see. One guy that would take her out, one guy that she could talk and flirt with, one guy she could enjoy those torrid and sexy seductive moments. Sure it's fun to date - but it can also be exhausting and draining. How many do you have to date to find someone that you can actually enjoy some companionship? She was adamant about not wanting a boyfriend, no committment and no pressure, just that one guy she could call a friend and enjoy time spent. If it developed into something over time - great. If it didn't at least she wouldn't fall apart. Why is it so hard to to try to impress a small degree of exclusivity on the one you're seeing? Yeah - some say that would make them your boyfriend/girlfriend...whatever! I understand what she is talking about. Allow me to try to explain. This would be someone that's into you, like you are into them. Someone willing to take it slow. Someone willing to spend time with you but also willing to give you your space. Someone honest. It's so confusing. How can you feel like you want to be attached one moment and the next you don't? And not because you're keeping your options open...but because you still wanted time to focus on yourself, your family and friends. Understandably if things are meant to be eventually your worlds begin to co-mingle. And no, we are not laying the expectation on that one person that they are the ONE. We aren't ready for that either. We're just good people trying to find someone good to enjoy time with for a while.

Does your faith affect your relationship? Friend of mine is an atheist or is it an agnostic??...they don't necessarily believe in a higher power. Their significant other is recently saved and quite devout in their new found faith. So much so - that while it was an unspoken respected difference, it has become a sore spot and a taboo topic. My friend was going to approach the subject to help their significant other to understand that they believe differently. My friend doesn't impose their beliefs and would expect likewise in return. This was a expectation laid out and agreed upon previously. Now the significant other is becoming critical and crossing boundaries with serious undertones. (my personal opinion - not very Christian like) Somehow, this may turn out to be a deal breaker. Is faith a deal breaker for you? And why? Isn't it okay for people to agree to disagree? A little input....

From innocence to innuendo

How is it that most conversations with even my friends imply innuendo on an otherwise casual topic. Truly. It doesn't matter who I am talking to - (save for family) my conversations always somehow surround some kind of innuendo. I am sexual by nature, and I don't deny that often my thoughts revolve around sex. Never mind that I have a terrible gift of turning the most innocent of conversations into something wicked, deviant and perhaps a few too many overtures, never mind your gender. What's worse is people pick up on it instantly and egg me on. And it's fun since we all get a good laugh. I get tickled pink, and I like that I can brighten somebody else's day and even make the unblushable blush. It's just plain flirting and playing for me. No it's not an inclination that I'm worldly or slutty. I'm just very comfortable with my sexuality. And if I feel sexy or can make someone else feel sexy that is very empowering. Am I alone in this??

Romance isn't dead...

I know of only three truly extraordinary relationships. I guess most would say I was lucky to know at least three relationships that were successful. I've often wondered what element is so instrumental in achieving such bliss. My powers of observation yielded this...respect, companionship (they truly enjoy each other's company), trust, love and great sense of humor. Surely there are other factors, but these are the most evident. They truly respect each other. With an unbelievable sense of equality! Never mind that their differences compliment each other very well. They also laugh at lot and are playful. Communicative skills surpass all others. I've even witnessed brutal truths and somehow the resiliency is overwhelming. An uncanny ability to agree to disagree on matters. Silly things. Like food or who they think is hot. They are confident when they are with and away from each other. And only one of these relationships is a reflection of my generation. The other two are my parents generation. One of those couples being my parents. Since all five of my brothers and I left home, my parents have reconnected on the most incredible level. They are one of those cute old couples that is actually growing old together and happy. There's is of a truly fortuitous nature.

So sometimes when I think I watch too many romantic comedies or read too many fairytales to indulge the hopeless romantic residing in me. (Yes, despite all the pain and the failed relationships) When I look around I still believe chivalry isn't dead. I still believe we all will get the chance to be happy. Perhaps there are no fairytale endings. Maybe, hopefully it will play out more like a romantic comedy. Maybe it will just be a new story to tell. Yeah. I like that...

Indifferent

All has been quiet. Real quiet. Too quiet. I'm too indifferent right now to have an opinion. And it's probably better that I leave it as it is...and just allow things to flow on their own. I kind of like not having to read into every little thing. It's liberating. Friends is good. No pressure. Okay...Okay I can't deny it, I want to reach out to him. And I will but I will tomorrow. And I'll just be me. In only the way that I can be. *wink*

Devil's Advocate

Just when you think you have it all figured out. A friend comes along and shows you a side you never even entertained, now this can be both good and/or bad. (circumstantial, of course) I like being put in check...sometimes, it's a healthy dose of reality and I learn something. This time, yes - but only because only my closest friends know how I feel. I was so sure I knew what was going on. Then a guy friend said...down girl. What you think you know about men and relationships isn't necessarily true. You may be reading the signs (his signs) all wrong. Maybe he's into you and just testing you. Maybe he just needs his space to figure things out. He is still a guy. And if he's been hurt then perhaps he's pacing himself. Then he asked do I really want to be serious anyway?? And if I did, haven't I always preached at how important it is to be friends first and let things take their own course? WOW!! It's all so true! Here I am so sure of what I think I know, when in reality I'm just inserting my own thoughts. So dangerous! So it helped to have a guy play devil's advocaste. It certainly helped me to see a different perspective, one I had not considered. (because my mind always races to the most contemptious of conclusons first - yes a recurring scar from the past) And haven't I already said how unfair it is to impress upon someone new all the pain and regret of old?? So glad I didn't decide to "air" this one out just yet. I would've looked real stupid. I will eventually have that talk - but it needs to be when I'm ready to consider the possibility of this progressing into something more. Friends is good right now. Friends is good.

Paths

SO you come to a point where you realize you can't go on respecting yourself and loving yourself being in a "casual" relationship. If you know what you're worth and you know what you want. Some of us just aren't built for casual relationships. Sometimes we believe intimacy is more than just sex. Spending time together and sharing things about your life - that's intimacy. It's the first steps in building a relationship. When you find someone that you really like and as you learn more about them you can't help but feel that there could be something more. Why else would they be sharing those things with you if they weren't seeking the same thing? Of course the moment you start to feel any sense of closeness in a brand new relationship - and you're not ready, you pull away. Are any of us content with being the right now...while the one we're with is waiting for something better to come along. Maybe we weren't the "right" one..which hurts. Wouldn't it be better to sit down and air it out...so you can figure out whether or not you want to invest any more time and effort? Better now than a whole lot more hurt later. Then again - who knows?!!

Compromise

It's a funny thing. Somehow I keep thinking I'll come out of this unscathed. Truth is none of us do. There's is always some degree of pain and regret, whether we choose to admit it or not. And we can never really have everything we want. So must of us settle. SO I kept thinking am I being selfish by wanting more? Am I being unrealistic in thinking that I should hold out for some semblance of what I feel I deserve? I mean, look at what we have to choose from...it's a sad world. People are bruised and broken and carrying around decades of baggage. Everyone is searching for somebody to accept them and all that they are, does anyone ever accept everything that you are? Will we always be searching for that unconditional love? There will always be conditions of one sort or another...because in that equation of two - one will always be you and you know that you will have your own conditions, your own ideas. And that should be okay - because well, we are all individuals. Sometimes, agreeing to disagree can be difficult to wrap your arms around. SO I ask you what do you want? And what are you willing to compromise for what you want? Or would you rather just settle? ...me? Nah! I'm part of this sad world, I'm broken, bruised and carrying baggage - but you know what I've always settled. And I don't want to anymore, I know I deserve more. You are out there, you always have been...and someday we will meet and you will love me just as desperately as I will love you. Oh, I'll compromise I just won't compromise myself ANYMORE!!!

Everything

Just for one moment, think about all that you have to offer. Then think about what you are worth and how you value and love yourself. Are you being treated the way you deserve to be? Whether it's someone you're just casually seeing, a boyfriend or girlfriend, a fiancee, a companion, a lover, your spouse. And in return are you being fair and showing them what you know they're worth? Are you letting them know exactly how much they mean to you? Should you be holding back? We've all been hurt at one time or another. But shouldn't we give the one we're with a real chance? Don't you both deserve that? If all is forgiven - then shouldn't the past be behind you? At what point do you recognize that you are ready to become that vulnerable to someone? If you don't give it everything you have and everything that you are - what are you really giving? Passion knows no boundaries. Love doesn't hurt. And the new interest isn't the same person as the last. You've got to just let it flow. What have you got to lose? Everything. What have you got to gain? Everything. All is fair in love and war. True or False?

Picking your Battles

They say you should pick and choose your battles. It's true. Picking the wrong battle can very easily turn a situation upside down. And I am without a doubt once again...upside down. I just don't get it. And this is one battle/situation I'm better off not reading into, so I'm not going to think about it. Instead I am going to let it take it's own course. in due time it will reveal itself. I've said my peace. No white flags here...just got to go back and come up with a new strategy.

So...yeah, I'm definitely not sure what direction this is going, but it is going. Which is a good thing. I'm not thrilled nor comfortable at how little control I have, but then, he too lacks control - although he has been doing this dating thing much longer. I have no problem with admitting I like him more than I wanted. Though difficult to read, I do question how far he wants to take things... I did say to him that I wasn't seeing anyone else while I was seeing him. But if he is seeing other girls then well why shouldn't I also date other guys? They are asking, some quite persistently. Am I crazy or is it evident that his admission to dating means he has no real attachment to me? I wonder though, am I being fair to myself by agreeing to this? In truth, I've only ever been in relationships. Something that started simple but always became something greater -- only of course to fizzle and fail...so maybe I give it a try his way. Maybe I am less likely to get hurt. Perhaps it will yield better choices and results to ultimately someday find something truly meaningful.

Why then can I not embrace this? I guess a big part of me realizes he has been deeply hurt by someone he loved and trusted. So how can I say this without judging prematurely when in fact I have no right? Part of me lives and breathes by psychoanalyzing everything. And I so hope I am wrong. But I can't help but think that he is a player because he feels there isn't a woman out there he can trust or inpart faith. (outside of his family and friends) I know he is a good man. He has so many admirable qualities. Underneath his tough facade and behind that soaring wall he has built - he just wants someone to accept him as he is, someone that will love and cherish him and all that he finds important and someone that will be loyal. Yes, at times he is a little cocky and eagerly craves attention from all females (hopeless flirt - but who am I to talk?) His eyes wander in all directions when a lovely female may breeze by. Is he sincerely searching? Or is he just wanting an opportunity to lay down with as many as females he can? I sense insecurity and yet he can be so cool and confident that his charisma and charm draw everyone to him. Errr - now you see wherein lies some of the confusion.

Crickets

Games, games. Do I have to play along? I prefer to wear the truth on my sleeve. And if you don't like it - so be it. I just get slightly annoyed with all the games. It's so dramatic one moment, so attentive and then POOF it's like the only thing you hear is crickets. I just don't get it and I'm not going to do all the chasing. I enjoy the chase as much as the next person. Be careful...I'll get bored. And I know what I'm worth.

Smoke and Mirrors

SO here's a mystery that needs a bit of sorting. A friend is seeing this guy. Give or take a year. One moment he can be doting and attentive and the next day he is MIA. Doesnt return texts or calls, claims his phone was off or dead or he left it in the car. Mind you - this guy doesn't go anywhere without his phone. What separates this is the exclusivity of the relationship. While it's not well known to everyone they are seeing each other - it is a spoken exclusivity between the two of them. Now this is one of the most complicated relationships I know about. And I'm only one of a few select people that does know about this relationship. A lot of secrets. What bothers me - is I know my friend really cares about this guy. And NO I don't think he is on the level. He uses a lot of smoke and mirrors when asked simple questions. What? She is willing to open herself up to the possibly painful answer...bracing herself for the worst. It's always one end of the spectrum or the other in terms of attention from this guy. There are a lot of unanswered questions. His daughter, her mother. My friend is at a pivotal moment in the relationship where she is torn by love and the need to protect herself. She has lost trust and respect and faith. And still she can't help loving him.

All about the girlss!

We owned the night last - last night belonged to the girls! So much fun! Friends I haven't seen in years. Dancing. Laughter. Drinks. Shots. Silliness. Boys. Dancing. Great friends. Good times. Not about the boys, no last night was about girlfriends. A welcome vacation from the dating life.

Clueless

I find myself clueless to this insane new dance called dating? I have to catch myself and try not to psychoanalyze it. I'd like to be able to say what comes to mind just as fluidly as I think it. Thats now allowed. There are too many unseen and unspoken boundaries. When you do this dating ritual does anybody take the lead? Used to be the guy did all the leading. Now they are so unsure of "the right move" or too busy just scoping the place for the next opportunity? Somebody take the damn lead already. Don't get me wrong. He's confident and it appears he knows what he wants, and seemingly unwilling to accept no for an answer. Its just confusing trying to figure out the gray areas and keep myself protected. It just seems silly albeit exciting and oh so interesting at the same time. What's a girl to do?

Timing

They say it's all about timing. Is it? Here I am, faced with a "relationship" dilemma. I'm finally free and at this point in my life I don't want a boyfriend. Mentally, I'm just not ready. Sometimes... what you want and what you think you want aren't always the same. So, I'm seeing this guy. He's great, funny, good-looking, responsible, great father, charming...but - he's a player. We have fun. He makes me laugh. I think he likes me. But he has this thing about him. I can't put my finger on it. I try to get past it, around it, try to figure it out, but he is skilled in making himself difficult to read. Underneath it all, I think he's was burned pretty badly. And isn't that how most of us end up guarded and tainted? Forever changing our perception of the opposite sex. Everyone has a story to tell. Betrayal. Abuse. Deceit. But then I look around and I see people that have that once in a lifetime relationship. It makes me sad, to wonder if I will ever feel that way again. And it gives me hope. I don't want to put unnecessary expectations on someone - because I'm confused. Maybe this will go somewhere...maybe it won't. Maybe it's just friends with benefits. Status quot is okay. Isn't it?