So I was cleaning out and organizing paperwork and I found a poem I wrote in one of my darkest moments. Just after a horrific break-up with my ex-fiancee. Be warned, it is dark. I've come a long, long way since then.
White knuckles on a balled fist.
Grinding my teeth & biting down in despair.
Anger. Rage. Hate.
I see red, orange and blue flames burning.
My chest is blazing with pain.
Frozen icy numbness creeps quietly, slowly.
Love is lost, nothing but bitter stillness.
The seething rage is beneath my skin.
Twisted and tortured > turmoil spinning relentlessly in my head.
Alone - again, alone with troubling thoughts.
Bruised, beaaten, broken and changed infinitely.
Fighting back tears blood red with hate.
Restraining the heart to maintain the soul.
Wanting to run and hide from too many watcthful eyes.
To burn alone swimming in pools of endless pain
Wishing mountainous wall could rise up to protect my weakened pulse.
No longer heightened with joy and love - only pain feels real.
Eyes forcefully turned away before a river of hot tears
Begins to flow away from a gaze now empty & hardened.
Gone is the fire that once fiercely lit them.
Look away I must or suffer the cruelty of coldness.
Breathing is shallow, my chest is heavy.
I can't breathe, I can't fake a smile, I can't stop the tears.
Cringing. Locking it up and turning it off.
Later, later I will grieve - but now I must find strength.
'I must find strength.
I did find more strength than you can imagine. And I'm so glad I found my way through that, it was quite possibly one of the most bleak moments in my life. If it wasn't for my family (my kids and parents and brothers) who were a rock and supported me, I'd never have survived. My Mom called me every single day, sometimes a dozen times a day, just to make sure I was alive. My parents would bring food and money, which was wonderful because I didn't know how to ask for help. I didn't know how to tell my family that the man I loved - had broken my ribs, almost broke my elbow, obliterated my sinus cavity, put a gun in my face and was still using. The danger we were in - was beyond anyone's knowledge. I didn't know how to tell anyone. I tried so hard to hide everything from everyone. My son knew though. The refrigerator was broken, so we lived out of a cooler. There was no hot water, no A/C for over 3 months. My kids and I shared a room with 3 fans to make it through the grueling 100 degree summer. I lost over 40 pounds and was at my lowest weight. I would go days without eating to ensure that my kids did eat. The damage that was done by someone I trusted and loved more than life itself was irreparable. But the depression that almost killed me was after I found the strength to kick him out. Still I have no regrets. My kids are incredible and amazing and you've never seen or met anyone quite like them. A 14 year old young man stood in the face of a 6'2" 240 lb man with more courage than I've ever seen before. This would make for more than the dozen times that my son saved my life. I had made some poor choices following my heart. Drugs and addiction can do things to people. I was trying to save someone who couldn't be saved. In the process I lost so much of who I was, I neglected my kids and I put them in harms' way. There were times I thought I'd never live through that broken heart. There were times I thought I'd never be able to look my kids in the face. It took me a long time to recover and even longer to forgive myself. I've come a long way. My kids are my world. They are my rock. They are my everything. The bond I have with them is unbreakable. Lots of people say they have great relationships with their kids - but I can't imagine anything better than the one I have with my kids. I don't like to dwell on the past. But I do like to look back on my life and see just how far I've come.
White knuckles on a balled fist.
Grinding my teeth & biting down in despair.
Anger. Rage. Hate.
I see red, orange and blue flames burning.
My chest is blazing with pain.
Frozen icy numbness creeps quietly, slowly.
Love is lost, nothing but bitter stillness.
The seething rage is beneath my skin.
Twisted and tortured > turmoil spinning relentlessly in my head.
Alone - again, alone with troubling thoughts.
Bruised, beaaten, broken and changed infinitely.
Fighting back tears blood red with hate.
Restraining the heart to maintain the soul.
Wanting to run and hide from too many watcthful eyes.
To burn alone swimming in pools of endless pain
Wishing mountainous wall could rise up to protect my weakened pulse.
No longer heightened with joy and love - only pain feels real.
Eyes forcefully turned away before a river of hot tears
Begins to flow away from a gaze now empty & hardened.
Gone is the fire that once fiercely lit them.
Look away I must or suffer the cruelty of coldness.
Breathing is shallow, my chest is heavy.
I can't breathe, I can't fake a smile, I can't stop the tears.
Cringing. Locking it up and turning it off.
Later, later I will grieve - but now I must find strength.
'I must find strength.
I did find more strength than you can imagine. And I'm so glad I found my way through that, it was quite possibly one of the most bleak moments in my life. If it wasn't for my family (my kids and parents and brothers) who were a rock and supported me, I'd never have survived. My Mom called me every single day, sometimes a dozen times a day, just to make sure I was alive. My parents would bring food and money, which was wonderful because I didn't know how to ask for help. I didn't know how to tell my family that the man I loved - had broken my ribs, almost broke my elbow, obliterated my sinus cavity, put a gun in my face and was still using. The danger we were in - was beyond anyone's knowledge. I didn't know how to tell anyone. I tried so hard to hide everything from everyone. My son knew though. The refrigerator was broken, so we lived out of a cooler. There was no hot water, no A/C for over 3 months. My kids and I shared a room with 3 fans to make it through the grueling 100 degree summer. I lost over 40 pounds and was at my lowest weight. I would go days without eating to ensure that my kids did eat. The damage that was done by someone I trusted and loved more than life itself was irreparable. But the depression that almost killed me was after I found the strength to kick him out. Still I have no regrets. My kids are incredible and amazing and you've never seen or met anyone quite like them. A 14 year old young man stood in the face of a 6'2" 240 lb man with more courage than I've ever seen before. This would make for more than the dozen times that my son saved my life. I had made some poor choices following my heart. Drugs and addiction can do things to people. I was trying to save someone who couldn't be saved. In the process I lost so much of who I was, I neglected my kids and I put them in harms' way. There were times I thought I'd never live through that broken heart. There were times I thought I'd never be able to look my kids in the face. It took me a long time to recover and even longer to forgive myself. I've come a long way. My kids are my world. They are my rock. They are my everything. The bond I have with them is unbreakable. Lots of people say they have great relationships with their kids - but I can't imagine anything better than the one I have with my kids. I don't like to dwell on the past. But I do like to look back on my life and see just how far I've come.
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