Garden Variety

Sabotage.  It's probably a gift for me.  On a sub-conscious level, I will realize I'm doing well or happy and for whatever reason, I self-sabotage.

Hard questions, sometimes render difficult and impossible answers.  I find it's very easy for me to love people.  I fall in love so easily.  I find all kinds of things to fall in love with about people.  Even people I know I'll never meet.  God forbid I actually meet one.  And if or when someone wants to return that love to me, I don't know what to do - I feel like my soul and my heart flee immediately and I am simply unable to accept that love.  I push people away, I piss them off and I am very, very good at it.  Somehow in the process of learning about them, I've also learned their buttons.  I am not proud of this, but it's become second nature.  A coping mechanism, if you will.  It's a very ugly thing when it rears its head or bubbles to the surface.  And how awful for those that want to love me.  And believe me I do mourn the loss of that love, I beat myself up and pray and wish that they won't cut me out of their life.  Perhaps to give me a second chance.  So far, no one has, no one probably ever will.  Why would they want to open themselves up again for me to tear them down?  I don't believe that anyone will ever want to break down this wall.  And for as much as I'd like to break it down myself, I don't know how to do that, and allow people in and let them love me. 

I could say, they'll never understand the things I've been through.  How once I was able to be loved so easily and the people I trusted broke my heart again and again.  And how I kept trying and my heart just stopped and I just couldn't do it anymore.  I could say this started at a very early age.  Maybe that means there's very little hope, maybe it means someone will know exactly how to help me.  I don't know. 

It's a bit unnerving when someone can diagnose you in the matter of a few minutes.  I want so much to be loved, in fact, I believe it's the single biggest thing I want and need in my life, yet - I have no idea how to let someone love me.  I'm so terrified of letting someone in, letting my guard down and my heart being broken again that - I potentially drive away people that might have given this so freely to me.  I've turned them off to me, I've hurt them and I don't know how to fix it.  What's worse - I'll never seek treatment.  I don't have healthcare, let alone mental healthcare.  And while those are excuses, I will continue to cling to them.  I'm trying desperately to understand the things I don't like about myself and to love them and accept them. 

This isn't small.  This is epic!  I know recognizing when I do this is crucial to my healing and also to my not hurting the people that love and care for me.  The problem is, once I've done it - and it doesn't matter how awesome or wonderful I am or was or might be beyond that moment - I've just lost someone dear to me that I really care about.  And sadly all I can do is offer my apologies and hope they will still love me and that I will allow them to love me. 

I guess the bigger question is, why am I so reluctant to let someone love me. 
 

Random Incomplete Thoughts....

As a writer - and I don't know that I actually qualify as a writer, I have no degree, I have no real experience - just this blog and a ton of journals that I've been writing, through the years.  Oh and some memoirs to my kids, though I'm not sure they'll find them of any interest.   I pour myself into my posts, absolutely drowning you in my random incomplete thoughts and horrible grasp of the English language and improper use of grammar, (if my English or Literature teachers read this - there would be hell to pay - lots of red lines and suggestive words) but I'd like to believe the content is sometimes real and raw and some of you might actually enjoy it.  (see - a full run-on sentence)

I have a restless mind, I overthink everything and then on the other end of the spectrum, I don't put much thought into the words that seem to physically manifest themselves when leaving my lips.  Writing, for me, is a very prudent and tactful way to express myself.  Not to mention, it has cathartic value that is on occasion, immeasurable.  However, it is not considered good behavior nor is it in my best interest to speak without filters.  When words start to flow and I'm irritated or in angst my words can be biting and blunt, and it can hurt - a gross understatement.  And no, I'll be honest - this is where I dance on the line of double standards.  I do.  I'm an asshole for it, but it's the truth.  And knowing this about myself, I strive to change it.  I think I make progress all the time. 

I strive to keep judgment from entering my thoughts, also.  It's not always easy.. to keep judgment at bay.  But in the interest of knowing how flawed I am, I try to not be a hypocrite.  I've done some bad things, things I'm not proud of, but I have no regrets.  I've also done some amazing things and life is about finding balance.  Everything good bad or indifferent has brought me to this place and time in my life and I'm happy.  I'm loving myself and improving things I feel require it.  And I take a lot away from all of it.

I've stopped listening to the inconsiderate and mindless chatter of other people.  I'm learning how to drown out the noise of negativity.  Everyone has an opinion.  They are not me, they have not lived my life, they don't know my choices.  I take what I want from the things people say.  I try my best not to overthink things...it's not always easy.  I'm always in my head.  I'm working on meditation, now.  I need it.  It's hard for me to put down my electronics, I do so enjoy talking to all kinds of different people.  Do I love hearing what people have to say, absolutely.  I love talking to people.  Anybody about a multitude of things.  But when it comes to my life - I'd rather not hear, unless I asked.  Selfish - maybe.  Do I care, no, a big fat NO. 

I have learned so much in the last several months.  And not just about me, but about people.  All kinds of people.  From everywhere.  I find music is a starting point to connect me to many people.  It's a universal language, that everyone speaks.  Music has the ability to bring people together that would normally be divided by a million other senseless things.  I have diverse taste and it seems no matter what I listen to, it speaks to people.  I love that. 

"Music is a language that everyone speaks. Rhythm has the potential to harmonize, unify and take us to a new world that could promote peace, harmony and human connection."-Christine Stevens

 

Utterly Naked

I had drawn a map to my hidden castle.  And cleared the overgrown path to the majestically carved wooden doors.  I had even lowered the bridge over the moat and as the massive gates swung open, I handed over the heavy key to my broken and tattered soul.  I astonished myself, as I carefully and methodically disarmed the guards and stood there alone and naked.  There would be no battle today.  I did not bring my sword.  I had removed all my armor.  I had laid my shield on the ground and gently placed my helmet next to it.  I had no place left to hide. 

Warm tears streamed down my face, making a mess of my make-up.  I had never felt more naked, in all of my life. 

I had stood and trembled naked before, naked without clothes and with nothing for me to hide behind.  There were many times I had wanted to be seen.  There were many times I had felt beautiful and sexy and caught up in the notion of something amorous.  There were times I knew I was adored and my body would be worshipped and every inch of it loved.  I had wanted to be seen and many times I had longed to be touched.  And then, there were times I was terrified of the gaze that would fall on my body.  Uncertain of whether or not my body would be found beautiful.  There were plenty of times I, as a woman, had been unsure of myself, overthinking every possible flaw on my body, flaws I had memorized and could see even with my eyes closed.  I had prayed they would go unnoticed, that my drop in confidence would be invisible, that hungry eyes had been too busy to notice how my own eyes shifted searching for approval, so I could breathe and lose myself under a spell of lust and love. 

I had never been this naked.  Not like this.  This was my soul, not my body.  This wasn't familiar to me.  I wanted to cower in fear and hide behind walls that had been so meticulously built.  I didn't want to feel this vulnerable.  Being vulnerable meant being weak, and I never saw myself as fragile.

I had had three children and had not always been as vigilant as I should have, in caring for myself, or for the lovely temple that housed my soul.  I was as beautiful and as flawed as the next mother.  The scars that adorned my body were trophies, my body had nourished three children into this world.  My body had been a vessel for all kinds of love and abuse over the years.  I had survived abuse as a small child and abusive relationships and even survived cancer, twice.  I was a pillar of strength. 

I had only ever allowed fleeting glimpses and mere moments for people to see over those walls.  I had written off allowing anyone inside.  The only ones welcome.. were my children, they resided there.  I would allow the occasional visitor, but outside of my children, no one could be trusted.  I wasn't going to let people in anymore, I was exhausted from all the battles I was forced to fight, and I didn't know if I would recover and if did, how would I draw upon more strength.

As I stood there naked and terrified, I had never felt more alive, than I did at that moment.  I had had an epiphany.  I knew that if I was to bring my dreams to the outside world and bring them to fruition I would have to leave my castle.  I would have to venture beyond the sanctity of those walls.  If I wanted to build my kingdom, I would need a King.  I would need the bravest of warriors, I would need trusted advisors and I would need to allow people that I loved to be able to flourish in my kingdom.  These would be my people, my village - people that believed in me and stood by me and loved me.  If I wanted my fairytale to be real, I was going to have to breathe life into it. 

I had to stop beating myself up.  I had to force myself to trust people and to let people in or my world was going to implode.  I couldn't keep expecting that everyone that fucked up, had malice intent or was there to feed me to the wolves.  I had to let my guard down, so that I could let people back in.  I had lost too many.  I knew I was still going to lose so many more.  But for the first time, in a long time I wasn't going to stand in my own way.

I have never felt more naked in all my life.  I have never felt more fragile.  I have also never felt more alive or more excited and even without my sword or my walls - I have never felt this brave.

"You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness." -Jonathan Safran Foer

Running to Stand Still

Running to STand Still

 

life is what we make of it. its a whole of all the pieces of how we react or respond to all the bullshit thrown at us and how well we live in ALL the moments of our lives. not just the easy and happy and joyous ones, but more-so the trying, the difficult and most definitely the completely unfair. its not chiseled in stone, but rather its' the river that carves its way through the stone. it's not fair, it's not always fun and it damn sure isn't easy. but it should be one hell of a ride and if we're lucky we leave behind our footprints in the hearts of the people we love, those we only met and we hopefully live on as magic in their souls and very fiber of their being.  not everyone stays in your life and not everyone toxic leaves, sometimes people come in and force change. and sometimes your heart shatters for the ones you wish would never have thought to want to leave.  

 

 

Running to Stand Still

 

And so she woke up
Woke up from where she was
Lying still
Said I gotta do something
About where we're going

Step on a steam train
Step out of the driving rain, maybe
Run from the darkness in the night
Singing ha, ah la la la de day
Ah da da da de day
Ah la la de day

Sweet the sin
Bitter the taste in my mouth
I see seven towers
But I only see one way out

You got to cry without weeping
Talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice

You know I took the poison
From the poison stream
Then I floated out of here
Singing ha la la la de day
Ha la la la de day
Ha la la de day

She runs through the streets
With eyes painted red
Under a black belly of cloud in the rain
In through a doorway she brings me
White gold and pearls stolen from the sea
She is raging
She is raging
And the storm blows up in her eyes
She will

Suffer the needle chill
She's running to stand

Still.

say yeah

Niykee Heaton Say Yeah

"Say Yeah"

You see us as you want to see us
In the simplest terms, the most convenient definitions
But what we found out is that each of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a basket case, a princess, and a criminal
Does that answer your question?
Sincerely yours

Dark skies and its dang cold
Pretty eyes and a rain coat
So high can't even remember my name
But we got that fire and I know why
We ain't gonna die tonight

Cause we see that gold
We got that summer daze, yeah
Ready, set, go... You gotta fuck it, say yeah
Tonight, we'll do all the thing we wanna do, like, just go
You gotta fuck it, say yeah

Packed whip on a full tank
All sip from the same drink
Nowhere to go
Nowhere to stay
Under this sky, after tonight
We'll wonder why we're not the same

Cause we see that gold
We got that summer daze, yeah
Ready, set, go... You gotta fuck it, say yeah
Tonight, we'll do all the thing we wanna do, like, just go
You gotta fuck it, say yeah

Fuck it, if it feels right
Hold me till it's over
All we got is one time
We ain't going home

Cause we see that gold
We got that summer daze, yeah
Ready, set, go... You gotta fuck it, say yeah
Tonight, we'll do all the thing we wanna do, like, just go
You gotta fuck it, say yeah

...not after this...

She forced a smile, she knew she'd never be the same person, not after this.

She knew that she would never be her...not ever again.  She would be forever changed.  The hole inside her grew and it was dark and ominous and painful and it shredded and ripped away at her insides like daggers leaving her hollow and empty, leaving her crumpled up and on the floor, nothing but a shell.  It was something she'd have to come to terms with eventually.  But at that moment, she was in survival mode.  She knew when the gravity of that decision hit her, she would cry for days, weeks, months, years even  ..mostly ...at night with her door closed, after everyone was fast asleep.  She knew why she did what she did.  She knew the moment she decided, that all those beautiful brilliant pieces of her that lit up a room and sparkled and dazzled like diamonds, she knew that that the opulence and beauty would be lost forever.  She knew.  It was a choice, and hers alone to make, and she chose it.  She had done this to ensure something much bigger, something so astounding  and without measure greater than anything anyone would ever understand.  It was one of the most difficult decisions she would ever have to make.  She did it for them, she always did everything for them, she would do anything in the world for them.  It was her sacrifice to make.   Anything.  Even this.  And as she tore away at those beautiful pieces of her soul, she knew she would never be the same. Not ever. Not ever again.  ...not after this...

She would pick up the pieces and walk with her head held high and she would pretend for the rest of her life that everything is okay.  She smiles, not because she has to, but because she can stare down demons and laugh in the face of the devil.  Nothing and No one will ever break her.  She's strong because she has to be. 

No one will ever love those wretched, broken forsaken pieces and she knew that.  Her heart ached because she knows she will carry those shattered pieces with her to her grave. 

pieces of me

Damn, she thought to herself - he's a little bit messy, a little bit ruined and a beautiful disaster.  What if his crazy matches her crazy? 

Reading what he wrote should not have had any impact on her.  She was way too guarded to allow feelings.  After-all, the cup runneth over and there were more than a few trying to woo her.  Most of them she deleted, sadly, many wouldn't make the cut.  Some knew all too well all the right things to say - she was gullible, and a romantic - eventually she would catch on.  There's a difference between a man that was truly interested and a man that just wanted her.  She had learned her lessons in life, not all men said what they meant and not everyone was honest.  She was like a child, often indulged by the idea of magic and romance, so she wanted to believe. 

He was different and she immediately knew that - something in his eyes, despite not wanting to, she was intrigued.  Guarded, she held back and waited for patterns to emerge.  A few patterns had reared up, but for some reason she carried on exchanges, anyway.  They had communicated previously, she'd even read his words before.  He was an intellectual, but bigger than that his confidence was unlike other confident men.  He was good-looking and funny and kind.  He was a father and a good one. The attraction wasn't earth shattering, it seemed more familiar, than anything.  Though his gaze could made her cheeks flush red and that was strange and truly unusual.

Why did his words whisper to her?  It was embarrassing and she rarely got embarrassed.  Reading his words had brought her to tears and it had been a long time since someone had reached through and penetrated those walls she built so high around her heart.  What if - she thought, what if there was more to him...    She thought she'd give a bit more time to probe and creep.  Maybe just sit back in silence and watch for a while.  Nothing could happen now anyway.  She needed that time to herself.  No one would ever be strong enough to break down her walls anyway. 

She was done trying to build, love and lift everyone.  She had loved hard, she had loved without boundaries and she knew it was going to take everything she had - she knew he'd be broken in places too.

She was done giving little pieces of herself away.  She needed a man, that would help pick up those pieces, that would understand and relate to the pain in those broken pieces, that would kiss them knowing it would never heal them, but recognized her heart was so big she'd make room - she needed that.  She needed someone that was going to fight for her - even if it meant fighting her.  And she never needed anybody!!  She needed a man that would shout from rooftops and make her feel like she was the most important thing in the world.  She was done.  For as much as she believed in love and romance, it was going to take one hell of a man to make her believe in him and not just something she hoped for...

 

Yes, just because I can

Sometimes I do really stupid things, because I can. 

Yes - sometimes, I go out of my way to do something stupid and silly.  It can be a terrific release for me and I always feel better.  No, no, no - nothing that could hurt me or anyone else.  Just silly things, like running through sprinklers, water gun fights with my kids or water balloon fights.  I like to put on socks, crank up the music and run through my house and slide.  I find myself to be quite entertaining.  Sometimes, I like doing cartwheels in my backyard just because I can.  It's healthy to be absolutely ridiculous and stupid silly.  Laughing at yourself is incredibly healthy and one of the best kinds of natural medicines.  Sometimes just for fun - I take dozens of pictures of myself, goofy, naked, with filters, without them, sometimes I drink and sing and make ridiculous videos.  I sing to my cats (yes, it can be pitchy - but they don't judge me)  Whatever I just want to see life through a child's eyes.  So yes, I still get up in the middle of the night and look at my moon. 

Remember to embrace the little things in life.  That's where all the real joy is... and laugh at yourself.  Some days it will be all that you have.

silly girl, romance is dead

This is for all my eternal optimists, all my die hard romantics, all the lost souls that never ever give up, that hold fast to the idea that some day their hearts will be safe and secure in another's arms - here's to you.... your willful tenacity in a world that seems pretty hung up on trying to destroy and kill anything romantic.  This is for those of you, that will always wander; those that are always looking, hoping, wishing, wanting, pining and dreaming... may you someday find the unparalleled romance and great love you so patiently desire and await.

Will we ever find what we are looking for....?  Have romantic comedies and romance novels ruined us?  Are those silly little stories just the exception to the rule?  Can you or I have or share in something greater than our imagination?  Can the TV shows just stop making me believe romance today is possible.  Is there nothing sacred anymore?  So many of us claim to be hopeless (or hopeful) romantics.  It's funny, though - in the emotionally and physically charged beginnings of a budding attraction, both parties are quite charming and romantic, and so vigilant in their pursuit.  Then somewhere without cause or reason, the compelling and intriguing discourse all begins to fade and slip away.  Things begin to fizzle and both parties relax their pursuit of the other.  Of course sometimes this can mean attention has been diverted elsewhere... and often does.  Maybe one got bored, maybe the thrill of the chase was gone.  Sad.  Sometimes, things fall off before they've been given a chance to take off.

I have a theory, though it's founded on female hormones and logic (I see you laughing) and yes - even personal experience.  ... how I see it ... in the beginning; in the fledgling moments of a potentially budding relationship, we are riding a wave.  Then we realize we really like the other person a lot and immediately become cautious.  There's been great conversation and banter, we have volleyed back and forth sharing commonalities, laughing, learning about the other person and now we have come to a cross road.  We are both very much interested, possibly even more than we want or is even more than what is comfortable.  We want to tell the other person that the attraction is magnetic and quite powerful, but not knowing if it will be reciprocated, or if it's too soon, or seemingly impossible because of logistics - we hold back.  We hesitate.  We allowed ourselves to get swept up, not once giving forethought into these cautionary tales, because we were simply riding the wave.  So now things aren't said and maybe they should have been.  ......we all know that rejection is terrifying.  But this isn't just about sex, it's beyond sex, it's intimacy on a whole other level.  It's a different connection, and it's also frightening as hell.  Or... like me, you got bored.  Something was just too easy, or maybe the other person was just too available.  Isn't it funny how we long for something so much and then find any little thing we can to find fault and destroy it? 

There's simple gender psychology here.  Okay well, it's anything but simple.  See that was my theory and I have absolutely no idea what the hell I'm talking about or what in the hell may be going on in the mind of a guy.  None.  Crash and burn, baby!!  So I say something, and I stumble and fall but at least I put myself out there and expressed honesty and the fact that I wanted to pursue something.  I made myself vulnerable, because without risk you gain nothing.  It hurts.  It is what it is.  I wish a guy could be completely honest about what he wanted or was looking for - but I wonder if he even knows...  I can't pretend to know and speculation could be sabotage.  So - guys...if you don't feel it, quit keeping her on the line so you can get your ego stroked.  If you don't know what you want - articulate that.  And if it's just a piece of ass you want - say it! 

Call me crazy.  I want to drown in love.  I do!  I'd love for someone to want to drown in my love.  Is that hopeless or hopeful?  Am I silly for wanting what everyone says is damn near impossible?  Not to be confused with 'I want the perfect person or a perfect love'.  I have no illusions.  I'm a special kind of crazy and that is a truth, but I also believe in romance.  No one is perfect!  And it's okay, I'd get so bored with perfect!  I know me, I love the beauty in the flaws.   No, but I do want someone that knows who he is and where he's going, and what he wants.  But..... he's got to be a real romantic, completely caught up in the idea of loving someone endlessly, tirelessly, selflessly. Someone just as tired of the rat-race of dating, tired of the representatives and tired of interviewing.  You have to want something real, want romance, honesty and trust - and to put that person as your priority.  It's not impossible to want simple, sweet, silly and nostalgic romance.  Someone that will look at me and think - my god I could love her until the end of time and it would never be enough time.  Someone that is not just giving, but ready to accept and receive crazy immeasurable love.  I suppose it sounds a little more hopeless than it does hopeful. 

I'm not interested in changing anyone and I don't want to change for anybody, either.  I'm focusing on me and doing introspection and personal growth ....for me, because there are things I want to change and I hope every step forward brings me closer to being ready.  I want to be ready when he makes his way to me.  I'm not ready right now, I'm not, I enjoy being on my own, way too much.   I believe when the timing is right someone will make their way to me or me to them.  Meanwhile, I get to focus my efforts on being a better person and a better Mom, daughter, friend.  I like the pace my life is at right now, and someone coming into my life, will rock my world.  It will flip everything upside down.  I know it will!  I'm not ready for that.  I'm not ready to sacrifice my time or check in with someone before I do something, make decisions together and all that jazz.  I'm still working on getting my head right for those things.  I'm too impetuous for the monotony of routine or following rules & guidelines.  I'm still learning to be patient and love my own flaws.  I don't want to be considerate and check in.  Not yet.  I will, eventually, I hope.  I don't have time for another person.  They're going to want my time and my ability to flex and bend and compromise and I just want to be selfish for a while.  And maybe that's my loss and I will miss out on something amazing because of it.  Maybe when the timing is right, it will be more incredible than I imagine. 

I'd love for someone to love me; crazy, quirky and flawed as I am.  Someone that will relish my need to stand on the edge of reason, stare into the abyss and challenge the darkness.  Someone that knows I'm crazy - but never makes me feel like I am.  Don't get me wrong.  If I screw up - you'd better tell me, and you'd better make me laugh.  And you'd better not hold it against me.  I know they're out there.  Someone just as fucked up as I am. 



... what is romance versus love?  Are they inextricably intertwined?  Are there any romantics still out there?  It's startling how many of us claim to be hopeless romantics versus how many of us actually are.  Are we in love with love?  Or perhaps the idea of a perfect love?  Are we going through life wearing rose-colored glasses?  Why are so many of us so foolish?  Until recently - I'd only ever heard of hopeless romantics, but true to our nature and semantics, there are people that call themselves hopeful romantics.  I love this... I think it's a lovely and more optimistic adjective, as opposed to hopeless and sounding like the belief is there but the idea so highly unlikely to happen.  I'd like to believe anything can happen.  Anything can happen. 

"For it was not into my ear that you whispered, but into my heart.  For it was not my lips that you kissed, but my soul."  Judy Garland

"Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love." Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge

... delectation

your touch burns deep in me
sending a shiver and wave of goose-bumps
I sit pert, erect, my spine trembling
how I long for your hands to graze my skin
how your words bring me to my knees
the heat of your stare
felt in places I don't dare speak aloud
your words incite, stir and provoke
you caress my pulse, my trigger
its not by your hands but my own
that explore and wander
oh, how delicate fingers do linger


 

...feigned interest

..... Trying to fight off some stupid girly emotions and feelings that I didn't know I had, because of a silly little comment that kind of hurt.  I can pretend it didn't hurt - that I don't have feelings, because I don't want to acknowledge them and I am not ready to have them - but that doesn't jive with my newfound personal growth.

I'm going to just suck it up.  Write it here in my blog and move on.  Because truth be told there's not a damn thing I can do about it anyway and I can't have feelings right now. 

I sure as hell wish you wouldn't feign interest... stop pretending like you have an interest in me, just cut me loose please.

I can't stop smiling...

So I woke up ready to attack the world.  I did!  I've put myself through some challenges lately.  I've come out the other side much better than I had imagined...  I've been feeling really great about my life and the direction I'm headed.  Feeling great about being the kind of Mom that I am, being a good daughter and yes - even a good friend.  It's all been very positive. 

My life has not always been easy.  It's been challenging and I could say there were a few poor choices, blended with some crazy kind of bad luck.  I don't believe in bad luck anymore, and I've paid for my poor choices.  Learning a lot along the way and it's a struggle to stop to keep my head up some days and not feel sorry for myself.  I believe in putting love, kindness, humility and grace into the world.  In truth, I always have - but my attitude needs adjusting from time to time, and I'm not ashamed to admit - I can throw a hell of a pity party!

Learning. Growing. Loving.  That's where I am right now.  I'm trying out all kinds of new things and trusting in myself.  Having faith in me, changes a lot for me.  I need this.  I'm learning how to harness my energy and enthusiasm and put it back into the world and towards things that I love.  I'm resetting my goals and sorting through things I never thought I'd sort out.  Today I feel inspired.  I feel fantastic.  I'm looking forward and keeping shadows at my back.  I'm hoping all the positive energy and love I put out into the world will bring love and smiles to others.  Yes, today is about me, but it's about me paying forward all the positive energy back into the world for those who really need it.   

..this kid

I sat by the rink wall watching all the kids (elementary) fly by on their skates, I wanted to see them - their faces, the excitement... I couldn't help but reminisce; the smell of the rink, the flashing lights, the loud music, cheap pizza and kids with flashing bracelets and necklaces.  Oh those were the days.   I wanted to skate, but we arrived late and an overdue phone call delayed my getting in line for skates.  Once I went to get them - the rink was closing in 40 minutes, seemed hardly worth the $11.  Still, my sweet boy had a wonderful time. 

I watched him show off, he was quite charming.  Two girls from his class have a crush on him.  So I watched as they each followed him and talked to him.  I could tell they were crushing.  Very cute too.  It really was the sweetest thing.  When he started talking about it, he mentioned he'd have to call his older brother and tell him that he had more 'game' then his big brother.

This kid...he kills me! 

Dear Crutch...

I don't think anyone will ever fully grasp and understand just what you meant to me or how saying good-bye to you, was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

When I was stressed out - the moment I began to stress, I could always turn to you.  You'd always, always, always be there for me.  You always had my back!  In moments of sadness, anger, elation, post-coital, rocking out in my car, I could take you anywhere and you were always the very best friend in the world to me.  When someone broke my heart you would fill me with hope and you listened unfailingly to me go on for hours, never once interrupting, never once judging, never once giving unsolicited advice.  No dirty looks or mumbling under your breath.

At my worst times, even at my best times, in my loneliest and even most awkward moments you would come in like my superhero and save me.  I looked forward to being with you - all the time.  I couldn't go anywhere without you.  I would defend you viciously to the death to any and all nay-sayers.  And there were a lot of them.  I would start a new job or go somewhere and you were so awesome.  When I was nervous or found it difficult to make friends, you introduced me to the coolest of people and I even thought because of you they accepted me. 

I would smell you on my clothes, in my hair and on my fingers.  I loved the way you smelled.  I could smell you on other people.  I loved the way you felt in my fingers.  I loved the way I felt when I held you.  I felt classy and cool.  I felt secure and comfortable. 

Then one day, it all changed.  I could hear the truth in the things the nay-sayers spoke.  I could see that you were hurting me.  I could see that you weren't healthy for me.  I was afraid and terrified both of losing you and having to walk away.  And it wasn't just because more and more people were trying to push and pull us apart.  No one would hire me if they learned about us.  It just wasn't fair anymore, I always had to go outside to be with you.  You became something I was embarrassed about.  Sometimes it was really cold and I didn't want to go outside just to be with you, but I did and I would miss out on great things because I was so hung-up on you.  I hated that everyone looked and stared and stood in judgment when you were with me. 

I just couldn't let go, my world wouldn't be the same without you.  I met you when I was so young.  It was a chance meeting, my father had sent me on an errand and it had been fate.  I would even sneak from school early in the mornings and run to the convenience store across the street, just to be with you.  My Dad even caught us once, but he never said a word.  He knew if he did, he'd be a hypocrite.  We weren't even in a relationship then, I had really only just met you.  I wasn't even sure if I was doing things the right way.  You taught me patience and I learned and for the last 27 years you have been my rock, my confidant, my strong-hold on reality, my best friend in the whole world.

I wanted to be fully vested in this break-up.  I had tried to walk-away many times before - but you'd always pull me back in.  I knew if I walked away it would have to be for good.  I wouldn't be able to talk to you ever again.  I wouldn't ever be able to hold you again.  I had to move forward and leave you behind.  It would be a definitive moment in my life.  I researched all kinds of things.  Anything that would help ease the separation from you, I absorbed at an alarming rate.  I read the psychology on the hold you had over me, how powerful it was and how difficult it would be to walk away.  I utilized every resource at my fingertips.  I didn't tell anyone that I was going to break-up with you, it was imminent though, I had reached a pinnacle point in my life.  Previously, when I told people I was going to break up with you, they would balk at me, chide me, always fueling a negativity, instead of support and they never believed I was strong enough. 

HA!!  Look at me now, I thought I'd die at one point without you, it's been several months!  I've not felt this good in a long time.  I see you everywhere and everything still reminds me of you.  Though I don't feel the urge to pick you up or obsess over you like I felt before.  I acknowledge that what we had was very real and to be honest, I'm glad you were there, but I'm happier now that you're gone.  I can breathe so much better now.  I can smell everything more powerfully than I could before.  I can taste all my food so much better than I did previously.  My clothes and car and hair don't smell like you anymore.  I can even be around you and not wish I was holding you.  I enjoy all kinds of things now that you're not here.

Admittedly, I have to stay super busy.  I find lots and lots to do - but I'm far more productive than I ever was, when I was with you.  I honestly think I'm a better person without you.  It was the best thing I've ever done, to walk away from you.  It's definitely a lifestyle change.  I'm fully embracing it and I know I'll never go back to you, not for the rest of my life.  I'm far too proud of myself to ever run back.  I hope you're as happy as I am without you. 

Sincerely,
a former smoker. 

...oh the distractions...

What can you do in a world drowning in distractions?

What can't you do?!  Everyone these days has their head buried in their phone or some other electronic device.  So just about everybody should be a master at multi-tasking, right!  If you can walk and be looking at your phone, you've just mastered a new skill.  (as to what skill it might be?)  The worst ones are the drivers that are texting.   I won't deny, I am guilty on occasion.  *Shame on me!  I can be sitting at a stop light and continue texting as the light changes.  Very bad - I'm a horrible person and what's worse I'm obviously totally distracted while I'm driving a vehicle that weighs over a ton and can easily kill you or me.  I need to put my phone down*

We all need to put our phones and devices down.  Let's pay attention to what's going on all around us.  You probably just missed a gorgeous sunset, or a beautiful rare butterfly fluttering by, or maybe the love of your life was looking at you, waiting to be noticed - but you were buried in your phone.  Will you get a do-over?  Will you get a second chance to go to your friends party instead of staying home with your computer?  We are missing out on beauty everywhere because we are so hung up on our devices.  True story!  This is also a confession!

How do you get good positive attention in a world so distracted??   Everyone seems to be on some social media platform.  The big question is - why do we enjoy so much of these kinds of distractions?  In a world full of people constantly screaming out in need of affection and attention, we tend to focus on things that are anything but... (I'm about to rant...)

Okay.. burning question....(eh hem - clears throat) - I'd like to know why guys send pictures of body parts?  Seriously!  Direct messages with... uhhm... yeah with pictures.  No - prefacing anything, no hey nice to meet you, I'm so and so.  Nope.  Just dirty pictures...  Guys, you're going to have to trust me, women aren't going to fall all over themselves and grab the nearest vibrator and go to town because you've sent a picture of your penis, your anus or your balls.  (never say never - I've been wrong before)  I promise you though, not a lot of women will see that and think, 'oh God I must meet him'.   NO!  I know I have personally deleted and immediately blocked you.  It is NOT okay! 

OKAY!  So, not only do you have every online dating option in the world.  But every social media outlet is a mecca for dating.  The problem isn't the problem, the problem is your attitude with the problem.  Not every girl or guy is DTF.  Some of us would like a little romance in our life and we'd like to perhaps even date.  I personally would love poetry and music and for the record - no - 2 or 3 days after I've met you - online, I do NOT want to send you naked pictures of myself.  We are not dating either, that's a rapid attachment.  Besides, I'd like to think I'm not that kind of girl in real life, let alone hiding behind a social media outlet.  Call me boring, I'm kind of still in love with the idea of exploring someone's body while making out for the first time.  But have I?  Have I started a conversation or two via a DM (direct message) yes... (I'm a firm believer in testing theory) has it worked out - absolutely not! 

Truth is - I'm not at all ready to date.  Not even pretend dating online or via some social networking.  Truth is when I am ready - I probably won't go this route, either.  I'm just too old fashioned and too much of a hopeless romantic to buy into this millennial mindset way of dating.  It's too antiquated.  I like talking to someone.  I like the idea of physicality.  I like smiling and gauging a reaction while in real conversation.  I want to know everything I can about you. (hey - I'm from the 80's we were all borderline stalkers then)  Body language is paramount, it tells if they're attentive, if they are into me.  I like to see the eyes and hear the voice.  Some things just can't be communicated via technology.  I don't know.  Maybe it's because I'd like to be thought of as more than just a means to an end, more than an object.  Maybe I have something to bring to the table and I'd like to find a nice guy.  I don't know!  Maybe I'll give it one more shot.  Not a whole lot of luck yet and I feel like a creeper at this point.  Not to mention - how would I know how many other girls you're talking to...  how would anybody know??  There's just so much room for dishonesty here. 

Circling back to my original thought.  How will all this distraction help you find 'the love and affection' we all seem to be searching for?  How will you find that one person that you can maybe call your boyfriend or girlfriend?  No wonder everyone is so filled with mistrust!!!  Most guys are just waiting for that one cute girl that's going to give up the most, once she does then they're onto another girl or perhaps back to the other girl they were already talking to, while you were sending naked pics!  Gotti!  And us ladies - we are wretched, we want to see how far we can push a guy, how much money does he have, if we can get dinner out of him and basically what can he do for us before we get bored and move on.  (I don't subscribe to this mentality - what's wrong is wrong)  It's so defeating and it taints the water for the rest of us that would love to meet someone.  It's the most retarded display of showing someone you're interested.  Defeats the purpose altogether, I say.  Plus there's a dozen different memes saying, 'go ahead like 5 pictures, DM me, fuck me - rinse and repeat'.  How can any of you take anybody seriously??   It's so ridiculous.  I just don't know how I'm going to do this and take anyone seriously...  I'm so tired of being guarded!!

It's the saddest thought ever... but...   Even knowing the truth, it won't change a thing - none of us are willing to put our devices down. We will continue to drown in a world full of distractions and we will become less trusting, less social and a whole lot lonelier.  We hold our technology closer to us than the people that mean the most.  It's incredibly sad when you look around and everyone is distracted by their phones or devices.  I want to cry, but I won't deny I do it too... oh the distractions...

25 Signs

So daily, my email gets flooded with all kinds of nonsense.  Some of it, I've foolishly signed up for... no turning back now, though.  In keeping with the spirit of my less stressful posts, I'm going to share the love from an article Cosmopolitan sent me.  Titled...

25 Signs He'll Be A Good Boyfriend
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a56236/signs-hell-be-a-good-boyfriend/?mag=cos&list=nl_chg_news&src=nl&date=040116

Yes.  Trust me when I tell you, it was an engaging.  It forced me to think...I was, in fact, comparing notes.  Perhaps the fact that I'm single speaks volumes?  Could it be true?  Hmm, I don't know.  What do I know, I always follow my heart (because it's immoral to go against your gut and that would be too wise a easy for me) still - I have no regrets.  I would never, even now, use such an antiquated list.... for obvious reasons.   So... just for giggles, I'm going to share .... (copied and pasted and the link is above...however, I'm going to insert my thoughts - because I'm opinionated - in red) 

• 1. He asks about how your friend Becky is doing after her breakup. Him caring about your friends and asking about them later not only shows that he's a caring person, but he's invested in your life and the people in it. On the rare occasion, you find a man that was listening to you ramble on. Rare indeed!
• 2. After he met Becky for the first time, he was like, "Do you think that went well?" You don't want to end up with a guy who's like I don't care if your friends hate me, they suck anyway. That's just a logistical nightmare and is surely going to end in some severed ties with people you really care about. I don't think it's as simple as this.... this is dicey.
• 3. When you bring up that your boss is being rude to you at work, he doesn't sigh and roll his eyes because you're "complaining again." If he can't sit through a five minute tirade about a lame work situation, he won't be able to sit down with you when something seriously big goes wrong. I think any man will sit through and tolerate whining, if he thinks he's getting some later.  I'm sure at some point, they'll also vent.
• 4. He's polite to waiters and cashiers and doesn't do that awful thing where you yell "CHECK, PLEASE" across the restaurant. It might have been cool to date the guy who was sweet to you but an asshole to everyone else when you were 13 and bullies were kind of sexy, but that sort of relationship doesn't hold up in adulthood. Don't date a man-bully who could very well turnaround and bully you if you piss him off. How you treat people is huge! Life is an echo - what you send out into the world comes back to you.
• 5. He doesn't desert you at his friends' parties.  It's ok for him to encourage you to be friendly with his friends, but it's not ok for him to have an exclusive conversation with Chad while you sit alone awkwardly on the couch.  You're a big girl, honestly you should be able to mingle on your own. But if he brought you to his friends' party he should be looking out for you - mingling and introducing you to his people.
• 6. He always offers to share the last slice of pizza with you and then doesn't say anything when you "accidentally" eat way more than half of it. If the last slice is sacred enough for Drake to rap about it in a love song, ("You could have my heart or we could share it like the last slice") then it must be a real sign of a potentially great romance. ... it would be a really sweet gesture.
• 7. He doesn't manspread across your entire schedule and take over your whole world. It might be flattering if the guy you just met wants to spend all his time with you, but if he's really invested in who you are as a person, he'll encourage you to be your own person and hang out with him when you both have time.  Agreed.  You want to spend time together, but you still have stuff you must do (you're an adult) he should have stuff to do also.  You should not be joined at the hip all the time.  
• 8. He's genuinely interested in (or at least good at faking it) your long, rambly stories about family vacations you took as a kid. Instead of getting frustrated and impatient when you talk for 10 minutes about that one weird trip you went on in 2007, he's excited to hear about what happened after that fight you had with your little brother in the backseat of the family van.  If he is genuinely interested, not only will he listen, he may even say something later on to show he was listening.  LOVE this. (this is the same as #1)
• 9. He doesn't get upset when you say you need some alone time. You would understand if he needed some, and he doesn't want to take over your life anyway. Sometimes you need personal space, no couple should be joined at the hip all the time, (same as #7)
• 10. He never says things like, "You're being crazy," or, "You're being ridiculous." Because he's compassionate and empathetic, and realizes saying things like that make you feel little and stupid, and a good boyfriend would never do those things. HA! First - all women are crazy, we all just have varying degrees of crazy, embrace it ladies - on the flip side, it's in a guy's best interest to not mention or point it out - this can escalate crazy.  This can be dangerous for him and others.   Crazy Hot Matrix - Must watch video!!!!
• 11. He makes you feel like a hot babe all the time. You don't want to spend a significant amount of time with a guy who makes you feel insecure or question whether or not he's attracted to you. You should make me feel like I'm the only girl in a room full of beautiful people.  It's disrespectful to check someone out in front of the person you are with - this applies to both men and women!!! It's not just a song...Make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world!!!
• 12. He has female friends who aren't aren't just a collection of women who've seen his penis before. If other girls (who aren't exes or former flings) like him enough to be his friend, he's probably a good guy that you'll also enjoy spending time with (and kissing a lot). Tricky.  But agreed, he should have at least one functional platonic friendship where there hasn't been intimacy nor does he entertain the idea - trust. 
• 13. He gets really excited when you hit it off with his best friend Jason, just like he knew you would. He wants his friends to like you. Yes. 
• 14. You don't find a million texts and missed calls on your phone from him after spending a night out with your girlfriends. This is a red flag of a potentially obsessive or manipulative guy. NOPE.  Trust.
• 15. He doesn't try to act hard and pretend he doesn't have feelings when he's around you. Mature adults shouldn't be afraid to say things like, "I like you," or, "I think you're really cool." I shouldn't be trying to figure out how you feel.
• 16. He texts after work to see how that meeting with your boss Steph went. It would be annoying AF for him to be texting you every 10 minutes when he knows you're busy all day, but checking in later shows he cares the right amount.  Thoughtfulness goes a long way.
• 17. He doesn't rush you out the door when you're trying to make sure your lip liner is perfectly applied and not smudged. He might do a little bit of gentle ribbing about how slow you are, but he shouldn't shame you for taking your time and trying to look good. That's rude. I got nothin.
• 18. When he screws up, he's quick to apologize instead of letting you stew in your anger for a week and a half. Stubbornness is actually an incredibly unattractive quality, and it only makes little fights turn into enormous ones. And a good boyfriend typically tries to avoid enormous fights. Uhm, yeah, I think everyone is guilty of this... 
• 19. And when you screw up, he doesn't hold a grudge forever like a sullen teen named Todd. If he isn't perfect, he can't expect you to be perfect, either. He forgives.  Scorecards - shouldn't be brought up in every argument. 
• 20. He has interests and hobbies aside from dating you. You want to date a person, not a pre-packaged boyfriend. That gets so boring so fast. Please.
• 21. When you're hanging out, he talks about things he wants to do with you in the future, even if it's just the near future.  If there's no talk of a future, there is no future. 
• 22. He doesn't immediately start acting like your boyfriend after hanging out one time in a friend's back yard. Going from 0-100 real quick is a good way to end up crashing and burning before the relationship ever gets started. This guy gets to know you. You know, like an adult person.  This speaks for itself.
• 23. He sends a "hey I had a lot of fun" text after hanging out with you. He isn't trying to follow any bullshit dating rules about waiting three days before texting or calling. He just likes you is all.  Honesty.  It's nice and I'm not left wondering...
• 24. He's clear about his intentions early on, instead of leaving you in is he a hookup or a boyfriend? limbo for forever. If he doesn't know what he wants, and doesn't figure it out in a reasonable amount of time, he probably never will.  Seriously, don't be a liar.  Make your intentions clear.  
• 25. He gets excited about showing you things he likes. Not because he wants you to be his weird female twin, but because this is the best part of having a good girlfriend.  When someone likes you, they want to share things.  They want to show you the things they like - you might like them too and transversely, they like hearing about what you like, it's all part of the dance. 

 

I'll be honest.  It isn't the list I'd make.  I don't think someone should fit a list, anyway. What do I know - I'm single!!!! 

Profound Quotes on Sexuality

“Males do not represent two discrete populations; heterosexual and homosexual. The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats, and not all things are black nor all things white. It is a fundamental of taxonomy that nature rarely deals with discrete categories. Only the human mind invents categories and tries to force facts into separated pigeon-holes. The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects. The sooner we learn this concerning human sexual behavior, the sooner we shall reach a sound understanding of the realities of sex.”
― Alfred C. Kinsey, Sexual Behavior in the Human Male

“I would argue that masturbation is the human animal’s most important adaptation. The very cornerstone of our technological civilization. Our hands evolved to grip tools, all right—including our own. You see, thinkers, inventors, and scientists are usually geeks, and geeks have a harder time getting laid than anyone. Without the built-in sexual release valve provided by masturbation, it’s doubtful that early humans would have ever mastered the secrets of fire or discovered the wheel. And you can bet that Galileo, Newton, and Einstein never would have made their discoveries if they hadn’t first been able to clear their heads by slapping the salami (or “knocking a few protons off the old hydrogen atom”). The same goes for Marie Curie. Before she discovered radium, you can be certain she first discovered the little man in the canoe.”

― Ernest Cline, Ready Player One

“What freedom men and women could have, were they not constantly tricked and trapped and enslaved and tortured by their sexuality! The only drawback in that freedom is that without it one would not be a human. One would be a monster.”
― John Steinbeck, East of Eden

“Women’s liberation and empowerment are terms feminists started using to talk about casting off the limitations imposed upon women and demanding equality. We have perverted these words. The freedom to be sexually provocative or promiscuous is not enough freedom; it is not the only ‘women’s issue’ worth paying attention to. And we are not even free in the sexual arena. We have simply adopted a new norm, a new role to play: lusty, busty exhibitionist. There are other choices. If we are really going to be sexually liberated, we need to make room for a range of options as wide as the variety of human desire. We need to allow ourselves the freedom to figure out what we internally want from sex instead of mimicking whatever popular culture holds up to us as sexy. That would be liberation.”
― Ariel Levy

“When I touched her body,
I believed she was God.
In the curves of her form
I found the birth of Man,
the creation of the world,
and the origin of all life.”
― Roman Payne

“Sex is as much about opening yourself and showing your sexuality to another human being as it is about allowing them to show you theirs. If you want your lover to expand their horizons with you, it’s vital that you give them the same courtesy of hearing their secrets without making them feel creepy about it.”
― Roberto Hogue, Real Secrets of Sex: A Women’s Guide on How to Be Good in Bed

“According to the prevailing view human sexual life consists essentially in an endeavor to bring one’s own genitals into contact with those of someone of the opposite sex.”
― Sigmund Freud, An Outline of Psycho-Analysis

“In adopting a patently false but stubbornly clung-to mythology of human sexuality that makes demons out of natural drives, we’ve entered a stage of moral sickness, not of moral health.”
― Jesse Bering, Perv: The Sexual Deviant in All of Us

“No one could have imagined the effects the Internet would have: …there’s a vast new intimacy and accidental poetry, not to mention the weirdest porn. The entire human experience seems to unveil itself like the surface of a new planet.” JG Ballard, 2004”
― J.G. Ballard

How to not be a cat lady...

You know - that one person - the one you have to date in between the gut-wrenching heart-crushing break up and the next real relationship (if you're lucky) or just perhaps the next real date.  They're not a rebound and they're not a grudge fuck (wtf!!??).  They hold more potential and they're not just looking to get in your panties... no?  Yeah, me neither.  Never met one.  Not.  Ever.  My entire life, and I probably never will - we've all forgotten manners and the sweet loveliness and allure of romance and courtship.  And I think I want to cry...

Go on a date, everyone said. (meanwhile I had turned down a few, I know me - I wasn't ready) not yet - it takes more than a few months to get over and adjust.  And I'm not a serial monogamist.   I'm incapable of jumping from one relationship to the next.  I have to sort things out.  I need to heal.  I need to make sure this is who I am.  Sometimes I just need me time.  So, anyway, I agree to talk to a guy that likes me, he's nice.  Everyone wants to be nosy.  Everyone has advice.  Do this.  Don't do this, don't do that.  Be flirty.  Don't go filling his head with your writing and biting sarcasm.  It's your turn to get what you deserve.  You gotta keep a man, blah blah blah.  Be a lady.  Show him you come from good stock.  He's got money, a nice car and his own house.  He's a good guy.  (they don't even really know him - he's just an acquaintance they thought was cute and he commented I was a hottie - really?)  He's the marrying kind?  You're leveling up.  Now's your chance.  HAHAHA - guess I blew that!!!   OH MY GAWWWD!  Just stop, please!  First - do any of you even know me - do you know who the fuck I am?  You're supposed to be my closest friends and family.  Oh - wait yeah, I get it, you're all just projecting?  Trying to live vicariously??  Maybe.

Okay. I'm going to ignore it, because in truth these nutjobs love me, they really do.

I have advice coming from people that have been married for a really, really long time.  None of them have been in the dating pool or on the dating scene in more than 15 years.  Really?  It's comical that - you're offering me advice on dating!!!  I mean, I love you for caring so much, but not every guy I date is going to be the one I marry.  I know this is a ploy so you no longer have to worry about your single friend/daughter/sister.  Whatever, I take it all in stride.  I know they mean well.  And since they've been married for an eternity, it can't hurt to listen.  Maybe they know some golden hidden truth that I'm totally clueless on.  Oh bullshit!  Let's face it - both men and women now, are a far different cry than how they were 5, 10, 15 years ago. 

The flirting process today is cruel and indifferent, it's calloused and it lacks romance.  It saddens me and breaks my heart that I can't be who I am.  You can't know me without seeing my facial reactions.  Without hearing my noises or seeing what I do when I'm nervous and I bounce my leg.  I have to adjust to this new way of meeting people.  We live in a digital age and there's a lot less hands on communication.  Everyone is on social media and wants to text and message.  Everyone is so detached, and sadly, everyone's so okay with it.  Or are they all just going with the flow because, like me, they're all terrified?  I suppose there's a lot of people hurt and not wanting to make themselves vulnerable.  It's easier to hide behind the digital bullshit.  But what a huge loss!  And if you do talk or flirt, you're instantly labeled a whore.  Or someone's worried they're being 'catfished'.   I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.  Long gone are the days of meeting someone in a grocery store.  Or your friend, legitimately having a single friend that's not a psycho and would be worth going on a blind date.

I'm so lost.  It's truly the strangest thing ever.  I know I'm not too old.  I know this can't be all there is to dating.  This is insane!!!  I'm not the girl that goes to bars by herself.  I'm not the girl that goes out, a lot. Period.  And I'm a single Mom - so that limits things even more.  And then, even when you can find someone that you've got tons in common with and you can relax and talk about things.  They live worlds away.  So you're talking and it means something - right, but what does it really mean?   I didn't do online dating for this reason.  And now I'm online dating.  What the fuck!

Here you are conversing (the only way you can - messaging) and if they don't respond, you have no way of knowing who else they're talking to, are you boring them to death, do you talk to much?  You don't want to be a bother and they can't see you talking or hear you (unless there's a video) and they don't know you.  (How can they really?)  Talk about a surefire way to question your self-esteem, too.  And then there's all these DM's with ungodly and perverse messages coming from all these random people and pictures of things your ex didn't even send you.  Ewwww!  No one has any respect.  And it's easy because everyone's hiding behind something.  And if you do meet someone you must ingratiate by way of dance of bullshit - and they are amazing, you're still fucked.  Chances are they live 3000 miles away.  They have their own life.  They're not going anywhere.  You have your life.  You're not going anywhere. 

Ugh!  I hate this - I'm becoming a realist and I don't want to be - I like hope and optimism.  I feel it all just slipping away.  And I'm going to end up being crotchety and a cat lady.  I'm too warm and lovely and fun for that.  But maybe I'm just not ready for any of this.   Sadly, I don't know that I ever will be.  I don't know - maybe there's advice somewhere from someone on how to not be a catlady...?

 

Dear Diary - YOU SUCK!

I haven't felt this alone in a really, really long time. 

I feel like I'm coming apart, like I'm being pulled in a million different directions.  No worse, it's more like being quartered.  Not by my limbs, but my brain, my heart, my emotions, my eyes and my sad pathetic forsaken soul.  Not a simple rip at the seams either, more like being shredded by daggers and knives.  I've always managed one way or another to climb out of the graves I've dug for myself.  I've always found a way out or found a way back onto solid ground.  ....maybe I just thought I did.  Maybe I pushed so many things aside I never really dealt with any of it.  Maybe I was so busy making baby steps forward and forcing changes in my life I didn't deal with the real bullshit.  Maybe it's all been stuffed down for so long, that it's all just brimming and brewing and bubbling just beneath the surface, ready to blow like a volcano just awakened.  I can't get my footing.  I can't grab hold of anything.  I feel like I'm blindly reaching and swatting my own hand away.  I have absolutely no one I can talk to.  No one.  Not a fucking living soul.  Not one single solitary person that will listen and I cant begin to tell you just how much (for the first time, ever) I'm admitting I need someone I can trust and someone that will just let my broken heart bleed for a few minutes all over them.  All I have is this blog.  This stupid ridiculous fucking blog and I'll debate for days over whether I'll ever post this.  Thank gawd I have this blog and you, my few readers.  Still - this blog makes me far too vulnerable.  I'll just write and write and write and pray that all this bottled up pain eventually subsides and passes.  You'll be the only one I shed my skin with and I'll walk away and pretend like it never happened.  Me - the girl that always claims I can't fake it until I make it. 

I've reached a tipping point.  Over the last week or so, I've reached out to a few people.  Only those I believed to be someone that maybe, just maybe I could vent to. I haven't been forthright in just how important it is that I need to talk, but I've said enough, I've said I am dealing with some things and I'm not doing well.  If you know me, I don't reach out to people.  I don't handle disappointment well (does anybody) - it squelches that burning fire of hope that I constantly carry with me.  This isn't easy to carry.  I stumble and fall in the dark - hell I stumble and fall in the light of day.  I experience sadness just as deeply as I experience joy.  There are 2 speeds for me.  Furious and Falling.  I have tried to find a median, sometimes I do really well, other times (like now) I'm falling furiously fast on a downward spiral.  Anyway - I find most people disappoint when it comes to being there selflessly for someone else.  This isn't just something new, I've felt it Most of my life - I have always done everything, I have always been the rock, I am always the one everyone goes to, I'm great with advice and I'm sincere and real and I rarely will judge people - so quite often people trust me and everyone leans on me.  And that's okay, I've known since I was very young that I Am on my own and possibly the only one I can or ever will be able to depend on.  I know that I'm not like everyone else.

I won't say I'm a great friend.  I'm not.  I honestly try very hard though, to be a good friend.  I try to be there for people.  I really do, if someone needs me, needs money, needs food, is sick, whatever - I will give them the shirt off my back.  I feel hollow and empty.  I thought I was really hurting before, then I got into an argument with my daughter.  It was of epic proportions and in the process she revealed some very real pain that's been hurting her and imbedded in her soul.  Now I'm worse - and it's all my fault.  She's hurting, but she's hurting for me.  She's always there for everyone.  She's the one that takes care of everyone.  She's the one that everyone tells their secrets to, she's a lot like me - but a much better person.  She's so angry, angry that no one will help or be the person to me that I am to other people.  She said she's just so tired of watching me struggle every day of my life.  She said she's tired of all the liars and all the people that just use and use and use and hurt and rarely ever give back not even a shred of the love I give.  These are her words.  It broke my heart - right there I fell and I've never fallen that hard - all the pieces of my heart fell into a million slivers and I don't know that I'll never be able to put them back together.  All I could do was grab her beautiful face in both my hands and beg her to stop crying.  I hugged her and tried to comfort her.  What do you say to that?  How do you respond?  How do you fix it?  How do you comfort your child that's been desperately trying to carry the weight and burdens you unknowingly put on her?   Looks like I'm quite an asshole and also a pretty awful parent.  My poor kids. 

My brother has begged me to seek counseling.  I have promised that I will and it looks like I may have no other choice. 

I started writing this yesterday, but was overcome with emotion so I couldn't finish it.   Today I will finish it and I've decided I will, in fact, publish it.  I don't care if you judge me.  I'm hurting and it's too painful to leave bottled up.  In the process of introspection and coming to terms with everything that's going on in my life, I'm dealing with things I don't like about myself and I want very much to change them, I really want to be a better person.  A lot of this pain I have, has also hurt some people I care about.  Though some of the things I say will sound like validation to my actions, it's not I am sorry for acting out like a child in desperation.  I don't know what to do and I won't pretend to know.  I'm going through life without a handbook like everyone else and I'm not fucking perfect.  I want so much for just one person, just for once to really just fucking be there for me.  Just one person.  That for when I reach out - that you're there.  And not my kids - I've obviously burdened them far too much.  .... and I really don't want to go to an office and sit with someone cold and unemotional to say my deepest and most intimate thoughts and fears to and not have someone wrap their arms around me and tell me - that everything is going to be okay.  To stop being so damn hard on myself, everyone makes mistakes and my struggles will someday end. 

(A note to my readers - I wake up every day and I take at least 15 minutes to think about all the positive wonderful and amazing things and people in my life - I'm not a negative person - but everyone has their moments and right now, I'm having a major moment.  So as I write this and many of you read my blog - know that I'm writing this in the full understanding that you are that person, silent and anonymous, you are my sounding board - you are instrumental in my reparations to my mental health and getting back to being my normal witty, funny, sarcastic and positive self.  I can't tell you how grateful I am that you read my disturbing and crazy posts - but I truly appreciate you and appreciate having this outlet in my life and look forward to it)

Quite often when I'm in pain - I recognize something awful that I do (and for the record, knowing is half the battle, I admit this is an issue and it's a recent revelation that I do this and now I will make every concerted effort I can to change it - because I want to be a better me)...  if I'm reaching out to someone (I'm usually very specific in my selection process) and they don't pick up on my truly fragile state, I have a tendency to immediately lash out.  So funny, so ironic too.  I'm reaching out for help, and in the exact moment that I sense that person is going to fail me and not be receptive - I don't just push them, I shove as hard as I possibly can. 

My words can bite.  One thing I know about me.  If I'm hurt or angry - and I just want to be heard.  I just want the person to shut up for just a few minutes and hear what I have to say - not interrupt, not cut me off, not get distracted by a multitude of other things, not ignore me, not turn off their listening skills and not offer up unsolicited advice.  I just want to be fucking heard.  No matter how ridiculous or stupid or insane or emotional I am - I really just want to be heard.  Yes, that's all.  And if you genuinely care about me, you will want to understand this.  I don't need affection - though I crave and love it.  I just need you to listen.  I will be extremely passionate in articulating my thoughts and in a very very vulnerable and emotional state.  I will blow up.  And just like that - just as soon as it all escapes my lips and I begin to breathe.  I'm okay.  I immediately slow down and I'm no longer angry or upset.  You've been kind enough to hear me, I immediately start to heal and recover.  And all I have done is taken up just a few precious minutes of your life where you've given your sole attention to me, you've allowed me to have a voice that I so desperately needed to have and had hoped you'd allow me and you did.  I can smile now and it isn't fake or phony.  In fact, it might light up the room because I am so beyond happy.  Now I can fall helpless and hopeful into your arms as you hold me.

DO not underestimate the power this has for me.  I don't trust easily and I so rarely will actually look to someone and let them in my world.  Yes - I am terrified of being hurt, I'm terrified that someone will take my puny little heart and stomp all over it and use it all against me - yes, know I am crazy.  Only a crazy person could survive what I have survived and come out as strong as I am.  I am tough, I am wonder woman, I will be the last one standing in the zombie apocalypse - but it is still just a fragile easily broken, barely beating hopeful heart. 
 

Lunar Eclipse

On Wednesday, there is a lunar eclipse.  Why is this so important to me?

 

Because I'm obsessed with the moon.  My Moon.  In truth, a lot of the flow of my life ebbs with the moon.  I don't know why or how but I think there's always celestial involvement.  Maybe just because I want to believe...

Lunar eclipse's occur when the earth's shadow blocks the sun's light on the moon.  There are three types of lunar eclipses - total, partial and penumbral (early wee morning hours before dawn).  Wednesday will be a penumbral eclipse.  So I'll be up at the butt-crack of dawn, to see it.  Eclipses only happen when there's a full moon.  It is a true phenomenon.  Most people don't stop to think about that aspect, though. 

"Because the moon’s orbit around Earth lies in a slightly different plane than Earth’s orbit around the sun, perfect alignment for an eclipse doesn’t occur at every full moon. A total lunar eclipse develops over time, typically a couple hours for the whole event. Here’s how it works: Earth casts two shadows that fall on the moon during a lunar eclipse: The umbra is a full, dark shadow. The penumbra is a partial outer shadow. The moon passes through these shadows in stages. The initial and final stages — when the moon is in the penumbral shadow — are not so noticeable, so the best part of an eclipse is during the middle of the event, when the moon is in the umbral shadow.

Total eclipses are a freak of cosmic happenstance. Ever since the moon formed, about 4.5 billion years ago, it has been inching away from our planet (by about 1.6 inches, or 4 centimeters per year). The setup right now is perfect: the moon is at the perfect distance for Earth’s shadow to cover the moon totally, but just barely. Billions of years from now, that won’t be the case."

As I've stated a hundred times before - I think (believe) that the planets and moon do have an impact on human behavior.  Have I found circumstantial evidence - absolutely not, but I don't need it. Faith is blind.  It's an idea.  In truth there's little scientific research now in celestial movement and it's effects on human moods. 

While there's nothing to back it up.  Here are a few beliefs that go hand in hand with a full moon, let alone a lunar eclipse. 

• It was thought that pregnant women should not be out in the open air, during a full moon.  As it was said that if they did, their unborn child would have either physical or mental defects and their children too would have physical and/or mental defects.  
• Hindus believe neither food nor water is edible during a full moon. 
• There is strong evidence that the full moon affects menstrual cycles and fertility.
• Some believe that during an eclipse there were more heart related diseases, breathing trouble, coughs, colds, insomnia, stress, impatience, insecurity, indecisiveness, fear and mood swings.  That exposing yourself to open lunar eclipse may even lead to mental imbalance and lunacy.  (lots of people like to blame their behavior on a full moon - it's even worse during an lunar eclipse)
• Doctors were far more leery and less likely to operate during a full moon or a lunar eclipse.  It was thought that the blood didn't coagulate correctly or might be tainted.  Patients tended to bleed more heavily, less controllable like the tides in the ocean. 
• Having heart surgery during a lunar eclipse, sometimes meant less recovery time spent in the hospital and it was even thought that patients would be less likely to die during surgery than other patients having surgery during other moon phases.
• There's an uptick or increase in the number of babies being born during a full moon.
• Also believed that the full moon has an affect on sleeping habits. 

I personally, like to believe there's truly positive vibes and positive energy that come from/with the lunar eclipse.  So I offer something else worth considering and it certainly doesn't hurt to try... 

"The Lunar Eclipse meditation:
You can do this anytime between the Lunar Eclipse and the next New Moon.  Think of the things in your life you would like to bring to a close, finish, or end. That contract you want to get signed, that job you want to finish. That guilty feeling. That unhealthy relationship. That nasty smoking habit.
Take some time to sit in a quiet space and breathe. Visualize the inner workings of that habit, the issue, the situation, as people. Give them names and faces! My addicted smoker and my inner doctor. My gentle self and my angry self. Visualize them each holding one end of a rope, like a tug of war. They can see each other now, how can they better understand one another? How can they work together to achieve balance? Picture each one gently dropping their end of the rope.
You have just asked for assistance from the universe to clear out old energies and make room for the things you want to bring in. There is great power in this request."

To me, because it happens at the beginning of Spring, I believe it's definitely an indicator of winter coming to a close.  I'd like to believe it's symbolic of new beginnings, fresh starts and abundant life.  Caterpillars becoming butterflies, vibrant lovely flowers in bloom everywhere, fresh green leaves and rain that renews the soil and earth. 

Wishing you all great and wonderful new beginnings and hoping you try to see the beautiful lunar eclipse, a real phenomenon.

- See more at: http://www.mollysastrology.com/astrology-tutorials/eclipse

- See more at: http://www.space.com/15689-lunar-eclipses.html#sthash.usj6Z8ve.dpuf

Shhhhh...I have a secret!!

 https://youtu.be/HzNFwxsSPwU


Secret(s)
play

adjective se·cret \ˈsē-krət\

           Simple Definition of secret

 

: kept hidden from others

: known to only a few people

: keeping information hidden from others

 

I laugh, it's really no laughing matter.  Possibly nervous laughter, because I worried so much about something and I needn't not worry at all.  It all makes sense now. 

Trust, loyalty, respect.  Sadly most people can not comprehend what those words mean.  All I can tell you is, they're more than words.

I will caution you.  Sneaking around can and will hurt more people than you can imagine.  I'm not judging - this comes from a place of familiarity and a simple word of truth.  I'm certain if you stop to think about things, you'll figure it out.  Silly me, I thought there was something awful I had done or something someone had said to provoke such silence.  Well - at least now I know why I've been given the cold shoulder.  Secrets.

Secrets can be destructive.  As we all know.  We all keep secrets, whether they're our own personal secrets or someone else's.  Holding onto secrets can be the undoing for some.  Sadly, not being selective in whom you tell your secrets to, can be your own undoing. 

I have trust issues.  I have but a few secrets left.  They're mostly secrets that only I know about.  Most secrets I've ever shared with anyone - sadly, has been told or shared with someone else.  (and then people close to me, wonder why I have trust issues)  I have learned I simply can not trust anyone other than my kids.  It's true.  It's also sad.  Not even my closest friends can keep a secret, not even my previous lovers. 

Of course, there are dangers to keeping secrets.  The saying goes, "You're only as sick as your secrets."  What does that even mean?  What do you do, when someone shares a secret with you and the magnitude of the fall out could be devastating?  Especially if they feel compelled to confess, how does that work for the other person involved?   It's tricky!  Best think on your actions and if it's worth the price ultimately.

Secrets can create overwhelming guilt for some people.  That guilt can become toxic and unhealthy. Revealing secrets is ostensibly in the eye of the beholder.  Everyone has their own inner moral compass and what may seem horrific to one person, might not even measure as bad to another.  I love asking people to tell me something no one else knows - everyone, EVERYONE says, "I don't have any secrets, my life is an open book."  Quite often, I find everyone has secrets.  We stuff them down so far, that we forget there are skeletons. 

If someone comes to you, confides in you and asks you to not to tell anyone.  And you agree...  Then you are obligated to keep and maintain that promise.  Don't let your loose lips share their secrets.  They came to you because they trust you.  Trust is the hardest thing in the world to give and the easiest thing to destroy.  It kills me to hear people talking about LOYALTY, as if people understand what the word or the idea really means.  And if someone shares something with you and it's too much to bear - tell that person you don't feel like you can keep that secret.  Give them an opportunity to do something with the situation before you go running your mouth.  Again TRUST. 

Beware of those too eager to hear your secrets or the secrets of someone else.  Trust. Secrecy, Privacy, Silence and Openness.  Paradoxically - secrets have the power to both unite people and divide them.  Make no mistake the power secrets have over us is beyond our understanding.  Secrets can shatter lives.  Sometimes it can bridge communication gaps in relationships. 

Secrets are some of the reasons fueling our biggest fears of judgment.  People's biggest fear is not death, but humiliation and judgment.  Still we manage to feed this sickness.  We keep secrets, we create secrets and then become terrified that someone may inevitably learn our secrets and judge us.  Psychology is fascinating.  It is natural for human nature to follow the root of emotion.  It doesn't always mean it's the right choice.  So we make a poor choice and then spend far too much time trying to cover everything up.  Worried about hurting this person, or what they might think, or whatever it might be.  Why do we fear judgment so much?  Who cares what someone else thinks...?  Maybe that someone is your kid.  Maybe they've always looked up to you and held you in the highest respect and now they've learned you did something they think is disgustingly horrible.  Their judgment has left you spinning.  That's why we all stand in fear of being judged.  We are so afraid that our secrets are going to be worse than those secrets kept by the people we care most for, and that they will stand in judgment of us. 

Guess what - no one, and I do mean absolutely no one has the right to stand in judgment of someone else.  We all want to give our opinions and share "brutal truths" guess what - who cares!!!  Make how you see yourself the most important thing to you.  Everything else is just chatter.  Be the person that doesn't have to worry about what someone is going to think of your secrets.  If someone loves you and trusts you enough to share intimate details of their life with you - keep them intimate.  Trust, Loyalty and Respect are fundamental to healthy relationships.  If you lack these, it's time to think about whether these are healthy relationships.  Just sayin.