I haven't felt this alone in a really, really long time.
I feel like I'm coming apart, like I'm being pulled in a million different directions. No worse, it's more like being quartered. Not by my limbs, but my brain, my heart, my emotions, my eyes and my sad pathetic forsaken soul. Not a simple rip at the seams either, more like being shredded by daggers and knives. I've always managed one way or another to climb out of the graves I've dug for myself. I've always found a way out or found a way back onto solid ground. ....maybe I just thought I did. Maybe I pushed so many things aside I never really dealt with any of it. Maybe I was so busy making baby steps forward and forcing changes in my life I didn't deal with the real bullshit. Maybe it's all been stuffed down for so long, that it's all just brimming and brewing and bubbling just beneath the surface, ready to blow like a volcano just awakened. I can't get my footing. I can't grab hold of anything. I feel like I'm blindly reaching and swatting my own hand away. I have absolutely no one I can talk to. No one. Not a fucking living soul. Not one single solitary person that will listen and I cant begin to tell you just how much (for the first time, ever) I'm admitting I need someone I can trust and someone that will just let my broken heart bleed for a few minutes all over them. All I have is this blog. This stupid ridiculous fucking blog and I'll debate for days over whether I'll ever post this. Thank gawd I have this blog and you, my few readers. Still - this blog makes me far too vulnerable. I'll just write and write and write and pray that all this bottled up pain eventually subsides and passes. You'll be the only one I shed my skin with and I'll walk away and pretend like it never happened. Me - the girl that always claims I can't fake it until I make it.
I've reached a tipping point. Over the last week or so, I've reached out to a few people. Only those I believed to be someone that maybe, just maybe I could vent to. I haven't been forthright in just how important it is that I need to talk, but I've said enough, I've said I am dealing with some things and I'm not doing well. If you know me, I don't reach out to people. I don't handle disappointment well (does anybody) - it squelches that burning fire of hope that I constantly carry with me. This isn't easy to carry. I stumble and fall in the dark - hell I stumble and fall in the light of day. I experience sadness just as deeply as I experience joy. There are 2 speeds for me. Furious and Falling. I have tried to find a median, sometimes I do really well, other times (like now) I'm falling furiously fast on a downward spiral. Anyway - I find most people disappoint when it comes to being there selflessly for someone else. This isn't just something new, I've felt it Most of my life - I have always done everything, I have always been the rock, I am always the one everyone goes to, I'm great with advice and I'm sincere and real and I rarely will judge people - so quite often people trust me and everyone leans on me. And that's okay, I've known since I was very young that I Am on my own and possibly the only one I can or ever will be able to depend on. I know that I'm not like everyone else.
I won't say I'm a great friend. I'm not. I honestly try very hard though, to be a good friend. I try to be there for people. I really do, if someone needs me, needs money, needs food, is sick, whatever - I will give them the shirt off my back. I feel hollow and empty. I thought I was really hurting before, then I got into an argument with my daughter. It was of epic proportions and in the process she revealed some very real pain that's been hurting her and imbedded in her soul. Now I'm worse - and it's all my fault. She's hurting, but she's hurting for me. She's always there for everyone. She's the one that takes care of everyone. She's the one that everyone tells their secrets to, she's a lot like me - but a much better person. She's so angry, angry that no one will help or be the person to me that I am to other people. She said she's just so tired of watching me struggle every day of my life. She said she's tired of all the liars and all the people that just use and use and use and hurt and rarely ever give back not even a shred of the love I give. These are her words. It broke my heart - right there I fell and I've never fallen that hard - all the pieces of my heart fell into a million slivers and I don't know that I'll never be able to put them back together. All I could do was grab her beautiful face in both my hands and beg her to stop crying. I hugged her and tried to comfort her. What do you say to that? How do you respond? How do you fix it? How do you comfort your child that's been desperately trying to carry the weight and burdens you unknowingly put on her? Looks like I'm quite an asshole and also a pretty awful parent. My poor kids.
My brother has begged me to seek counseling. I have promised that I will and it looks like I may have no other choice.
I started writing this yesterday, but was overcome with emotion so I couldn't finish it. Today I will finish it and I've decided I will, in fact, publish it. I don't care if you judge me. I'm hurting and it's too painful to leave bottled up. In the process of introspection and coming to terms with everything that's going on in my life, I'm dealing with things I don't like about myself and I want very much to change them, I really want to be a better person. A lot of this pain I have, has also hurt some people I care about. Though some of the things I say will sound like validation to my actions, it's not I am sorry for acting out like a child in desperation. I don't know what to do and I won't pretend to know. I'm going through life without a handbook like everyone else and I'm not fucking perfect. I want so much for just one person, just for once to really just fucking be there for me. Just one person. That for when I reach out - that you're there. And not my kids - I've obviously burdened them far too much. .... and I really don't want to go to an office and sit with someone cold and unemotional to say my deepest and most intimate thoughts and fears to and not have someone wrap their arms around me and tell me - that everything is going to be okay. To stop being so damn hard on myself, everyone makes mistakes and my struggles will someday end.
(A note to my readers - I wake up every day and I take at least 15 minutes to think about all the positive wonderful and amazing things and people in my life - I'm not a negative person - but everyone has their moments and right now, I'm having a major moment. So as I write this and many of you read my blog - know that I'm writing this in the full understanding that you are that person, silent and anonymous, you are my sounding board - you are instrumental in my reparations to my mental health and getting back to being my normal witty, funny, sarcastic and positive self. I can't tell you how grateful I am that you read my disturbing and crazy posts - but I truly appreciate you and appreciate having this outlet in my life and look forward to it)
Quite often when I'm in pain - I recognize something awful that I do (and for the record, knowing is half the battle, I admit this is an issue and it's a recent revelation that I do this and now I will make every concerted effort I can to change it - because I want to be a better me)... if I'm reaching out to someone (I'm usually very specific in my selection process) and they don't pick up on my truly fragile state, I have a tendency to immediately lash out. So funny, so ironic too. I'm reaching out for help, and in the exact moment that I sense that person is going to fail me and not be receptive - I don't just push them, I shove as hard as I possibly can.
My words can bite. One thing I know about me. If I'm hurt or angry - and I just want to be heard. I just want the person to shut up for just a few minutes and hear what I have to say - not interrupt, not cut me off, not get distracted by a multitude of other things, not ignore me, not turn off their listening skills and not offer up unsolicited advice. I just want to be fucking heard. No matter how ridiculous or stupid or insane or emotional I am - I really just want to be heard. Yes, that's all. And if you genuinely care about me, you will want to understand this. I don't need affection - though I crave and love it. I just need you to listen. I will be extremely passionate in articulating my thoughts and in a very very vulnerable and emotional state. I will blow up. And just like that - just as soon as it all escapes my lips and I begin to breathe. I'm okay. I immediately slow down and I'm no longer angry or upset. You've been kind enough to hear me, I immediately start to heal and recover. And all I have done is taken up just a few precious minutes of your life where you've given your sole attention to me, you've allowed me to have a voice that I so desperately needed to have and had hoped you'd allow me and you did. I can smile now and it isn't fake or phony. In fact, it might light up the room because I am so beyond happy. Now I can fall helpless and hopeful into your arms as you hold me.
DO not underestimate the power this has for me. I don't trust easily and I so rarely will actually look to someone and let them in my world. Yes - I am terrified of being hurt, I'm terrified that someone will take my puny little heart and stomp all over it and use it all against me - yes, know I am crazy. Only a crazy person could survive what I have survived and come out as strong as I am. I am tough, I am wonder woman, I will be the last one standing in the zombie apocalypse - but it is still just a fragile easily broken, barely beating hopeful heart.
I feel like I'm coming apart, like I'm being pulled in a million different directions. No worse, it's more like being quartered. Not by my limbs, but my brain, my heart, my emotions, my eyes and my sad pathetic forsaken soul. Not a simple rip at the seams either, more like being shredded by daggers and knives. I've always managed one way or another to climb out of the graves I've dug for myself. I've always found a way out or found a way back onto solid ground. ....maybe I just thought I did. Maybe I pushed so many things aside I never really dealt with any of it. Maybe I was so busy making baby steps forward and forcing changes in my life I didn't deal with the real bullshit. Maybe it's all been stuffed down for so long, that it's all just brimming and brewing and bubbling just beneath the surface, ready to blow like a volcano just awakened. I can't get my footing. I can't grab hold of anything. I feel like I'm blindly reaching and swatting my own hand away. I have absolutely no one I can talk to. No one. Not a fucking living soul. Not one single solitary person that will listen and I cant begin to tell you just how much (for the first time, ever) I'm admitting I need someone I can trust and someone that will just let my broken heart bleed for a few minutes all over them. All I have is this blog. This stupid ridiculous fucking blog and I'll debate for days over whether I'll ever post this. Thank gawd I have this blog and you, my few readers. Still - this blog makes me far too vulnerable. I'll just write and write and write and pray that all this bottled up pain eventually subsides and passes. You'll be the only one I shed my skin with and I'll walk away and pretend like it never happened. Me - the girl that always claims I can't fake it until I make it.
I've reached a tipping point. Over the last week or so, I've reached out to a few people. Only those I believed to be someone that maybe, just maybe I could vent to. I haven't been forthright in just how important it is that I need to talk, but I've said enough, I've said I am dealing with some things and I'm not doing well. If you know me, I don't reach out to people. I don't handle disappointment well (does anybody) - it squelches that burning fire of hope that I constantly carry with me. This isn't easy to carry. I stumble and fall in the dark - hell I stumble and fall in the light of day. I experience sadness just as deeply as I experience joy. There are 2 speeds for me. Furious and Falling. I have tried to find a median, sometimes I do really well, other times (like now) I'm falling furiously fast on a downward spiral. Anyway - I find most people disappoint when it comes to being there selflessly for someone else. This isn't just something new, I've felt it Most of my life - I have always done everything, I have always been the rock, I am always the one everyone goes to, I'm great with advice and I'm sincere and real and I rarely will judge people - so quite often people trust me and everyone leans on me. And that's okay, I've known since I was very young that I Am on my own and possibly the only one I can or ever will be able to depend on. I know that I'm not like everyone else.
I won't say I'm a great friend. I'm not. I honestly try very hard though, to be a good friend. I try to be there for people. I really do, if someone needs me, needs money, needs food, is sick, whatever - I will give them the shirt off my back. I feel hollow and empty. I thought I was really hurting before, then I got into an argument with my daughter. It was of epic proportions and in the process she revealed some very real pain that's been hurting her and imbedded in her soul. Now I'm worse - and it's all my fault. She's hurting, but she's hurting for me. She's always there for everyone. She's the one that takes care of everyone. She's the one that everyone tells their secrets to, she's a lot like me - but a much better person. She's so angry, angry that no one will help or be the person to me that I am to other people. She said she's just so tired of watching me struggle every day of my life. She said she's tired of all the liars and all the people that just use and use and use and hurt and rarely ever give back not even a shred of the love I give. These are her words. It broke my heart - right there I fell and I've never fallen that hard - all the pieces of my heart fell into a million slivers and I don't know that I'll never be able to put them back together. All I could do was grab her beautiful face in both my hands and beg her to stop crying. I hugged her and tried to comfort her. What do you say to that? How do you respond? How do you fix it? How do you comfort your child that's been desperately trying to carry the weight and burdens you unknowingly put on her? Looks like I'm quite an asshole and also a pretty awful parent. My poor kids.
My brother has begged me to seek counseling. I have promised that I will and it looks like I may have no other choice.
I started writing this yesterday, but was overcome with emotion so I couldn't finish it. Today I will finish it and I've decided I will, in fact, publish it. I don't care if you judge me. I'm hurting and it's too painful to leave bottled up. In the process of introspection and coming to terms with everything that's going on in my life, I'm dealing with things I don't like about myself and I want very much to change them, I really want to be a better person. A lot of this pain I have, has also hurt some people I care about. Though some of the things I say will sound like validation to my actions, it's not I am sorry for acting out like a child in desperation. I don't know what to do and I won't pretend to know. I'm going through life without a handbook like everyone else and I'm not fucking perfect. I want so much for just one person, just for once to really just fucking be there for me. Just one person. That for when I reach out - that you're there. And not my kids - I've obviously burdened them far too much. .... and I really don't want to go to an office and sit with someone cold and unemotional to say my deepest and most intimate thoughts and fears to and not have someone wrap their arms around me and tell me - that everything is going to be okay. To stop being so damn hard on myself, everyone makes mistakes and my struggles will someday end.
(A note to my readers - I wake up every day and I take at least 15 minutes to think about all the positive wonderful and amazing things and people in my life - I'm not a negative person - but everyone has their moments and right now, I'm having a major moment. So as I write this and many of you read my blog - know that I'm writing this in the full understanding that you are that person, silent and anonymous, you are my sounding board - you are instrumental in my reparations to my mental health and getting back to being my normal witty, funny, sarcastic and positive self. I can't tell you how grateful I am that you read my disturbing and crazy posts - but I truly appreciate you and appreciate having this outlet in my life and look forward to it)
Quite often when I'm in pain - I recognize something awful that I do (and for the record, knowing is half the battle, I admit this is an issue and it's a recent revelation that I do this and now I will make every concerted effort I can to change it - because I want to be a better me)... if I'm reaching out to someone (I'm usually very specific in my selection process) and they don't pick up on my truly fragile state, I have a tendency to immediately lash out. So funny, so ironic too. I'm reaching out for help, and in the exact moment that I sense that person is going to fail me and not be receptive - I don't just push them, I shove as hard as I possibly can.
My words can bite. One thing I know about me. If I'm hurt or angry - and I just want to be heard. I just want the person to shut up for just a few minutes and hear what I have to say - not interrupt, not cut me off, not get distracted by a multitude of other things, not ignore me, not turn off their listening skills and not offer up unsolicited advice. I just want to be fucking heard. No matter how ridiculous or stupid or insane or emotional I am - I really just want to be heard. Yes, that's all. And if you genuinely care about me, you will want to understand this. I don't need affection - though I crave and love it. I just need you to listen. I will be extremely passionate in articulating my thoughts and in a very very vulnerable and emotional state. I will blow up. And just like that - just as soon as it all escapes my lips and I begin to breathe. I'm okay. I immediately slow down and I'm no longer angry or upset. You've been kind enough to hear me, I immediately start to heal and recover. And all I have done is taken up just a few precious minutes of your life where you've given your sole attention to me, you've allowed me to have a voice that I so desperately needed to have and had hoped you'd allow me and you did. I can smile now and it isn't fake or phony. In fact, it might light up the room because I am so beyond happy. Now I can fall helpless and hopeful into your arms as you hold me.
DO not underestimate the power this has for me. I don't trust easily and I so rarely will actually look to someone and let them in my world. Yes - I am terrified of being hurt, I'm terrified that someone will take my puny little heart and stomp all over it and use it all against me - yes, know I am crazy. Only a crazy person could survive what I have survived and come out as strong as I am. I am tough, I am wonder woman, I will be the last one standing in the zombie apocalypse - but it is still just a fragile easily broken, barely beating hopeful heart.
nice piece Gal :)
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