How quickly things can unravel. I truly am naïve, on an epic level. So epic, I'm embarrassed and feeling so foolish right now. It's disheartening when you realize that your optimism can work so cruelly against you. There are definitive moments in your life, where - you stand there kicking yourself and licking your wounds, wishing you were a realist or pessimist - instead of never wavering in the hopes that you can hold people to their word. It's so difficult for me. Maybe if I just assumed everyone was a liar, then I wouldn't keep getting hurt. I sound so stupid, because I make a conscious effort and decision every day, to see everything and everyone as respectable. I'd like to believe that people are generally honest and good. This is proving to be too painful a learning process for me.
For all the personal growth within the last six months, it's these moments that can do a lot of damage. It's not so easy as I just come undone. It's more like, I stew on things and I think about them. Then the emotional roller coaster begins. First, there's shock; why or how people have become so numb to being so mean is just beyond my grasp. Which is followed by disbelief; me telling myself that that can't be right, they wouldn't do that to me - would they? To a, oh wow, holy shit that's just unbelievable! This person is a total douche, so now anger and disdain are starting to settle in. Now, I'm hot - I'm pissed, and I can't even formulate how or when I intend to grab them by their stupid necks and squeeze as hard as I can until their head's pop off. Yes - that's what I see in my head - (more of a cartoon, but that's my humor trying to calm me down). Now, I'm totally lost in my thoughts. And I want so much to tell them what a bastard they are - but no, not me. I rebuke bitterness. You'd think it would be the dark speaking - No - it's fucking love and light that starts speaking. No - so now I'm second-guessing myself and about to lay down on the floor so I can be trampled on once again. (there's some pessimism!!!) Instead - I reach out and yet again extend an olive branch. I try once more to let people make a better choice, to 'please' prove me wrong - so I can have the hell shocked out of me. Blow my mind! Everyone knows I prefer painful truths to a lie.
These moments tend to hurt the most, they can set me way, way back. Don't let me be alone with my thoughts after I've been lied to - it's just silly how I believe people are good and honest. Worst part is, it's not even like I'm putting expectations out there - I'm honestly just taking people at their word. I don't understand why or how people can be so cruel.
Nobody really knows my life or my struggles. Even those closest to me, know that I hide a great deal of my personal pain and suffering. They know I don't always share all the intimate details and that I'm not comfortable with opening up. Trust is a huge thing for me. And I just don't trust anyone anymore. Here I go, backsliding again. Just when I start to feel really good and open up to beautiful new and wonderful things happening in my life - somebody lies to me. Sadly, it's not a small white lie. It's often a big lie and I feel defeated and it's crushing. I feel myself retreating and withdrawing. I'm holding on - hoping for the vulnerable feeling to pass. I want to keep myself open because I really want to try and trust again. I really want good things in my life. Not just for myself but for all the other people in my life.
What I wouldn't give to have my grandmother, my Nani here - she would listen, she'd make everything better. She'd show love with the simplest touch, with the sweetest smile, and an understanding look in her eyes that let me know she truly cared. I'd feel burdens and weight lifted. She didn't always give advice, so when she did - I'd scoot to the edge of my seat and listen attentively. She would pray and give more love in that time than most people will give over their lifetime. She is an Angel, and her love and memories are all I have left of her. When I think about what she'd tell me to do if this happened - she'd say to keep my eyes and heart open and remain full of hope. She'd tell me not to let the pain harden my heart, she'd tell me to stay positive, to have faith and trust that this is what was supposed to happen and I'd be stronger for it. I'd never question her.
I am questioning everything now. I just wonder how much stronger do I need to be? And for how much longer? I'd really just love for someone to blow my mind. Please!! Could someone PLEASE just be honest with me? I'm so tired of all the storytellers...
For all the personal growth within the last six months, it's these moments that can do a lot of damage. It's not so easy as I just come undone. It's more like, I stew on things and I think about them. Then the emotional roller coaster begins. First, there's shock; why or how people have become so numb to being so mean is just beyond my grasp. Which is followed by disbelief; me telling myself that that can't be right, they wouldn't do that to me - would they? To a, oh wow, holy shit that's just unbelievable! This person is a total douche, so now anger and disdain are starting to settle in. Now, I'm hot - I'm pissed, and I can't even formulate how or when I intend to grab them by their stupid necks and squeeze as hard as I can until their head's pop off. Yes - that's what I see in my head - (more of a cartoon, but that's my humor trying to calm me down). Now, I'm totally lost in my thoughts. And I want so much to tell them what a bastard they are - but no, not me. I rebuke bitterness. You'd think it would be the dark speaking - No - it's fucking love and light that starts speaking. No - so now I'm second-guessing myself and about to lay down on the floor so I can be trampled on once again. (there's some pessimism!!!) Instead - I reach out and yet again extend an olive branch. I try once more to let people make a better choice, to 'please' prove me wrong - so I can have the hell shocked out of me. Blow my mind! Everyone knows I prefer painful truths to a lie.
These moments tend to hurt the most, they can set me way, way back. Don't let me be alone with my thoughts after I've been lied to - it's just silly how I believe people are good and honest. Worst part is, it's not even like I'm putting expectations out there - I'm honestly just taking people at their word. I don't understand why or how people can be so cruel.
Nobody really knows my life or my struggles. Even those closest to me, know that I hide a great deal of my personal pain and suffering. They know I don't always share all the intimate details and that I'm not comfortable with opening up. Trust is a huge thing for me. And I just don't trust anyone anymore. Here I go, backsliding again. Just when I start to feel really good and open up to beautiful new and wonderful things happening in my life - somebody lies to me. Sadly, it's not a small white lie. It's often a big lie and I feel defeated and it's crushing. I feel myself retreating and withdrawing. I'm holding on - hoping for the vulnerable feeling to pass. I want to keep myself open because I really want to try and trust again. I really want good things in my life. Not just for myself but for all the other people in my life.
What I wouldn't give to have my grandmother, my Nani here - she would listen, she'd make everything better. She'd show love with the simplest touch, with the sweetest smile, and an understanding look in her eyes that let me know she truly cared. I'd feel burdens and weight lifted. She didn't always give advice, so when she did - I'd scoot to the edge of my seat and listen attentively. She would pray and give more love in that time than most people will give over their lifetime. She is an Angel, and her love and memories are all I have left of her. When I think about what she'd tell me to do if this happened - she'd say to keep my eyes and heart open and remain full of hope. She'd tell me not to let the pain harden my heart, she'd tell me to stay positive, to have faith and trust that this is what was supposed to happen and I'd be stronger for it. I'd never question her.
I am questioning everything now. I just wonder how much stronger do I need to be? And for how much longer? I'd really just love for someone to blow my mind. Please!! Could someone PLEASE just be honest with me? I'm so tired of all the storytellers...
No comments:
Post a Comment