"Do Me Damage"

Do Me Damage - Digital Daggers

https://youtu.be/v3NKQaU-lvU

We made a cut without precision
And we stitched it up the best two children could
But we were ruled by indecision
And we pushed and pulled more than two people should

When you want me I am here
When you change your mind again and disappear
When it's settled and all is clear
Oh, you change your mind again and want me near

So do me damage or do me right
We could be the ones who see the other side
So do me damage or do me right
We could be the only lovers left alive

We made a pact and said forever
Then we blurred the lines so much, we lost our way
We were broken and stuck together (stuck together)
Then we tried to find the reasons we should stay

When you want me I am here
Then you change your mind again and disappear

So do me damage or do me right
We could be the ones who see the other side
So do me damage or do me right
We could be the only lovers left alive

When it's settled and all is clear
When you want me I am near
When you say that you're mine I come running everytime

So do me damage or do me right (do me right)
We could be the ones who see the other side (other side)
So do me damage or do me right (do me right)
We could be the only lovers left alive
(So do me damage, do me right)
We could be the only lovers left alive
We could be the only lovers left alive

Song by: Digital Daggers

Concessions

"Have you ever felt the longing for someone you could admire? For something, not to look down at, but look up to?"  ~Ayn Rand
"Among those whom I like and admire, I can find no common denominator.  Among those whom I love, I can; all of them make me laugh."  ~ Wystan Hugh Auden
"Surround yourself with people that reflect who you want to be and how you want to feel, energies are contagious."  ~Rachel Wolchin
"Never love anybody that treats you like you're ordinary."  ~Oscar Wilde
"You may not be her first, her last, or her only.  She loved before, she may love again.  But if she loves you now, what else matters?  She's not perfect - you aren't either.  And the two of you may never be perfect together, but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold on to her and give her the most you can.  She may not be thinking about you every single second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart.  So don't hurt her.  Don't change her.  Don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give.  Smile when she makes you happy.  Let her know when she makes you mad.  And miss her when she's not there."  ~Bob Marley
"It's beautiful when you find someone that is in love with your mind.  Someone that wants to undress your conscience and make love to your thoughts.  Someone that wants to watch you slowly take down all the walls you've built up around your mind and let them inside." ~Anonymous

I want....
...to be completely comfortable in silence. 
...to know I don't have to explain myself. 
...to be okay with being truly loved. 
...to know it's okay to be a mess sometimes. 
...to be able to accept a compliment I really like.
...to be seen as an equal. 
...to be fearless and resilient.
...to forever crave and seek knowledge.
...to feel like the only woman, in a room full of beautiful women.
...to have eternal optimism, especially in moments of adversity.
...to see the world and travel, forever exploring the unfamiliar.
...to always be kind, patient and dependable.
...to be imaginative and enthusiastic in all things I do.
...to be humble, gracious and hospitable.
...someone that will catch me when I fall. 
...someone that will stay up with me, when I can't sleep. 
...someone that thinks I'm silly & ridiculous, but never makes me feel like I am.
...someone that will complement my weaknesses.
...someone that lifts me up but isn't afraid to call me out, either.

"That awkward moment when you think you're important to someone, and realize you're not."  ~Anonymous
 

Sweet Child of Mine

I'm not beyond cheesiness.  I'm a child of the 80's and proud!

He is my sweetness.  He is my baby and he's truly one of the sweetest people I've ever known.  His disposition is such that you just can't not love him.  Yes, he talks and a lot - but how can I not expect that from one of my children.  I never shut up...

He's clever and he's funny.  He can provide a healthy debate for color of the sky if you let him.  His 2nd grade teacher believes he will make a great attorney some day.  He loves to give a synopsis or complete breakdown of something as if he were a sportscaster.  His clever remarks will stop you dead in your tracks.  He is funny and he's so smart.  With two older siblings he's learned sarcasm and wit like no other child I know. 

Today I celebrate him.  I celebrate the miracle he is in my life.  He changed everything.  He is my sweet child.  So this is for him... happy birthday my little man. 

"Sweet Child O' Mine"

She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky

Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special place
And if I stared too long
I'd probably break down and cry

Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine

She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I'd hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain

Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And pray for the thunder and the rain
To quietly pass me by

[3x]
Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine

[4x]
Where do we go?
Where do we go now?
Where do we go?
Sweet child o' mine
 https://youtu.be/NmqK0aXkHho

Magic

Every once in a while, you'll see a fleeting glimpse of what we all long for in our own lives.  Truly touching, to witness such dizzying love between people.  Just absolutely crazy about each other.  Seeing them does wonders to restore my faith in the magic of love. 

Do they even know the impact seeing their love has on all of us?  I'm guessing they're scarcely aware, but seeing them interact is mesmerizing.  It honestly is.  It's the simplest of their touch.  The way they look at each other.  The sparks that fly when their eyes meet.  Their uncontrollable urge to constantly touch and hug and kiss.  The thoughtful little things they do for each other... just because.  It really is the sweetest thing. 

It's hard to wait
For something you know
Might never happen

But it's even harder
To give up, when
It's everything you ever wanted.

Is it destiny?  I don't know.  I just know I absolutely adore them.  If it's just a heightened state of lust or the real deal with brilliant strokes of affection and devotion, I enjoy seeing them.  How nice it is!  It's like every time they look at each other, they're falling in love again.  And this is why those three little words do not even have to be spoken... it's completely unnecessary for them.  Their eyes, their body language all of it screams they love each other. 

For the rest of us, those on the outside looking in.  When two people really love each other, they find a way to make it work, no matter how hard it is.  If you find you just can't anymore, you're not in love, you're just familiar.  There's still love, just not the kind of love that will last forever.


The Magic Of Love
Love is like magic
And it always will be.
For love still remains
Life's sweet mystery!!
Love works in ways
That are wondrous and strange
And there's nothing in life
That love cannot change!!
Love can transform
The most commonplace
Into beauty and splendor
And sweetness and grace.
Love is unselfish,
Understanding and kind,
For it sees with its heart
And not with its mind!!
Love is the answer
That everyone seeks...
Love is the language,
That every heart speaks.
Love can't be bought,
It is priceless and free,
Love, like pure magic,
Is life's sweet mystery!!

- Helen Steiner Rice -

The Heavy and the Hollow

Hollow:  Having a hole or empty space inside. Without significance.  Insincere.  A hole or depression in something.  Gouge. Scoop. Dig. Shovel. Drained. Emotionally draining.
Heavy: Of great weight, difficult to lift or move. Of great density; thick or substantial. Striking or falling with force. Mentally oppressive and hard to endure. Important or serious.

I was raised to be self-sufficient, kind, honest, patient, driven, humble and to always give people the benefit of the doubt.  To forever follow the lining of the dark cloud until I see the beautiful glimmer of silver.  I was taught to face forward towards the sun and look for the rainbows that follow the storms, to always keep shadows at my back.  I was taught to be open-minded and forgiving. 
I've failed and I've succeeded.  I've had moments of pure elation, moments of extreme depression and plenty of accidental and intentional moments of riding the waves of life wherever they carried me.

We are all faced with having to make choices in life.  There's always the Heavy and the Hollow.  By the 'heavy' I mean the weight of those decisions.  The gravity of the situation.  Good. Bad. Indifferent.  Who's affected.  Who's not.  Repercussions.  Resentments.  Judgment.  By the 'hollow' I mean important, serious often hard to endure emotionally draining moments/choices.  They're my choices.  I owe no one an explanation.  Of course people are impacted by some of those choices.

I live with my decisions, I face being accountable.  It serves no purpose to run from or deny myself.  We all have coping mechanisms.  I'm not foolish enough to believe everyone agrees with my choices.  I am completely aware that people are sometimes hurt by my choices.  That's part of living with the heavy, and that's on me.  The part of the hollow is, that's life too.  Albeit unfair at times, but to tell me I owe someone an apology is smug.  I don't prevail upon other people to respond to things or behave as I would, to make the choices I would, to see through my eyes, to understand what may have contributed to the choices I've made.  When we set expectations, we are setting ourselves up for failure - not everyone will see through your eyes or know what's going on in your head.  Quite often, I feel alone - most people may never understand me.  And that's unfair, but hey - that's life.  It doesn't really matter in the spectrum of it all anyway.  I don't presume to tell people they owe someone an apology or should be apologizing.  What I believe and my opinion are just that.  I won't feign ignorance here.  Most of what we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Most of what we see is perspective, not the truth.  It's not easy to know the difference.

The magnitude of the changes taking place in my life sent me down this road to self-improvement.  It didn't happen overnight.  It wasn't a single solitary situation that set it all off.  There was a multitude of things...simply put, many aspects of my life were not headed in the direction they should.  Sometimes, that has to do with choices.  Sometimes, it has to do with people.  Sometimes, they're intertwined and convoluted.  Sadly, there are things people won't understand.  Things difficult to forgive.  And lots we never forget.  I too am guilty.  When these things surface it can be very painful.  Especially if it's followed by a litany of other things that have managed to somehow be swept under proverbial rugs.  Sometimes people don't recover.  Sometimes, they don't want to recover.  Sometimes, we are afraid of letting go or letting our guard down.  Walls go up, stay up and some are built stronger and higher.  The impasse is just too great.  I can't speak for other people.  I can only say that with each passing breath I try to do the right thing, I to rise above and I try to consider all things before jumping to conclusions, before making a choice.  I'm fallible but I'm responsible for those decisions.  I don't always make the right choices.  I don't always make the wrong choices.  If I don't choose, I'm giving up that power and have no voice.  I'm not just responsible for my life.  I have children.  I have family.  I have friends.  I have work.  I have principles.  It's all relative. 

What you and I see is often different.  How we may react is often different.  Sometimes we give things or situations more power than they deserve and sometimes that gives it too much power over us.

I won't pretend anymore.  I just can't, I'm not built that way.  I don't want to fake it until I make it.  I have to get up and get out, I have to rise and meet life head on.  I have to be honest with myself and the people I love.  I don't just survive, I thrive.  I want to live my life with passion.  All of it, good and bad.  The challenges are something to strive for, for all difficult things have the seeds of possibility.  When faced with crisis, we should look to overcome.  I always find my way and I always flourish in the midst of chaos. 

Rigidity or Obstinacy

Yep.  Here I go again.

Rigidity is the technical term used in psychology to describe an obstinate inability to yield or a refusal to appreciate another person's viewpoint or emotions characterized by a lack of empathy.  Or it can also refer to the tendency to perseverate, which is the inability to change habits or modify concepts and attitudes once developed. 

We all have these moments.  Every last one of us.  After constantly being told by people that I was obstinate and stubborn - I decided I'd do well to research to truly empower myself with as much knowledge as possible. After all there was a lot of finger-pointing in my direction.  I had no problem owning up to it, though.  Recently, I find when people start pointing fingers, they often need to look in a mirror themselves.  Sometimes it's hard to notice our own issues if we're always focused on others.  We love to find fault in other people, but most of us struggle to admit our own faults.

Since I began this journey towards self-improvement - I didn't want to leave anything to chance.  I truly want to be a better person.  That means covering all bases and getting to the heart of certain things.  During this process, I realize I'm not at all alone.  It's comforting, while also disheartening when I examine everything and find that sometimes the very people pointing are just as guilty. 

Anyway.  The research on this behavior dates back more than a 100 years.  Charles Spearman referred to as mental inertia.  Kurt Goldstein stated, "adherence to a present performance in an inadequate way".  And Milton Rokeach said, "[the] inability to change one's set when the objective conditions demand it".  The research is fascinating.  The material and how each of the psychologist over the course of 100 +  years  determine categorization and definition is different and ostensibly contradicting, yet somehow very much alike. Did that even make sense at all?  Perception when applied speaks to us individually.  So we may all walk away with a different take.

"Mental sets represent a form of rigidity in which an individual behaves or believes in a certain way due to prior experience. In the field of psychology, mental sets are typically examined in the process of problem solving, with an emphasis on the process of breaking away from particular mental sets into formulation of insight. Breaking mental sets in order to successfully resolve problems fall under three typical stages: a) tendency to solve a problem in a fixed way, b) unsuccessfully solving a problem using methods suggested by prior experience, and c) realizing that the solution requires different methods.^[5] Components of high executive functioning, such as the interplay between working memory and inhibition, are essential to effective switching between mental sets for different situations.^[6] Individual differences in mental sets vary, with one study producing a variety of cautious and risky strategies in individual responses to a reaction time test.^[7]"

The concept of rigidity has been at the center of controversy for years.  Empirical data was gathered and supports one or both of two theories regarding the enigma of rigidity.  There's an assumption that rigidity is a personal factor and the perspective is that it's task specific, while other psychologists believe that it is a behavioral phenomena only observable under specific conditions.  To me, this sounds so relevant to the other, how can they not be tied in to the same thing. 

 

It falls in the cognitive basics under psychology, but there's nothing basic about it.  The fact that doctors and counselors alike struggle with the fundamental principles behind this behavior is a blaring example of just how much of a conflict there is within the medical community. 

 

There's also the phenomenon of obstinacy.  Freud says it's a derivative of anal conflicts or a component of 'anal character'.  It's referred to as development for the ego-psychology and important to note that this is considered a struggle for the ego and any outside forces threatening from within and from without.  The obstinate individual seeks out to fight but not for any real gain except to feel superior to others.  Freud goes on to say that if the obstinate individual should actually win the fight for some aim based on reality, said individual loses interest and moves on.  So essentially, this person fights with characteristic persistency and stubbornness for the unconscious need to feel secure through superiority.  This 'unconscious need' will be never be satisfied.  Is this obstinacy or neurotic behavior?  If I could draw my own conclusions from this, I would say I don't fit either category. 

 

Yes, I am stubborn.  I can be obstinate - but not for any of these reasons.  I just don't like to take advice from people that don't walk the walk.  Unsolicited advice drives me crazy!!  For me, it's more of an insult that people (people I love and care about) find me incapable of making choices for myself.  I see it as condescension.  Right or wrong, it's how I envision unsolicited advice.  Where does that fall based on the information above?  I keep reading.  It doesn't even matter at this point if it's relative, it's exciting. 

 

I find an article, "When Obstinacy is a better (Cognitive) Policy".  This is getting good. There's evidently Two Information Response Policies.  One is 'The Naïve Policy' and the other is 'The Obstinate Policy'.  Allow me to expound.  The Naïve Policy is based on the foundation that we can only process a limited amount of information at once.  We lose too much information and there's no way to immediately prioritize the information, and the more information that becomes available the less likely we are to process more options.  We immediately begin to limit the information coming in and going out. The Obstinate Policy disregards any available information as it begins to come in and bears any resemblance on the proposition at hand.  Once we've already begun to process our own substantial response with information, we essentially tune out any information coming in.  Though they each sound similar, they're not.  I don't see how this is a behavioral phenomena, but maybe the fact that I immediately tune out when someone starts with unsolicited advice is just that. 

 

Why do I do this?  I'll leave that to the psychologists to figure out.  Point is, unless you're a psychologist, stop diagnosing me.  In the interim I'd say I fit in more than one of these theories and not truly one theory, at all.  I guess I'm a walking contradiction.  Still, if we are empowered with all this information and human nature being anything but basic - I can push forward and continue on my path to self-improvement.  I know a little more than I did before - isn't that improvement?   More than anything I wish friends and family would stop putting the M and D after their names. 

 

I'll gladly accept any real medical advice that's free, from a qualified doctor or counselor, should any of my readers care to assist with this head case...

An Angel

If you only knew how much I truly miss you?  Last night I saw you.  You were smiling and everyone around you was aglow with your warmth and love.  You must know how much I wish that dream was real.  How I wish you could've stayed longer.  No one ever made me feel more loved and accepted than you.  You brought that to everyone.  The depth of your love and the beauty of your soul was nothing short of perfection.  You taught me truth's no one ever would.  You held my hand in some of the most difficult moments of my life.  You never judged anybody.  And with a smile and a touch of your tiny soft hands, you'd tell me everything would be okay.  I knew it was true. 

There were never any hidden messages.  No lies.  No exaggerations.  No agenda.  You would pray.  And people would heal.  I've never in my whole life ever heard anyone breath a bad word about you.  EVER!  Never any drama or gossip.  You lived life so simply.  Your love held no boundaries.

How I wish little man could've met you.  How you would've adored him and how he would've reminded you of Nano.  Sometimes I think it's why the bond is so strong with Mom.  The kids love to tell him about you.  He sleeps with your pillow.  How the kids would love to see you.  You are our angel.  When I see you in my dreams, I get upset when they end.  I know it's selfish.  You always taught me to be grateful for the little moments, how much more they'd matter in the long run.  I miss you.  I wish you were here now to guide me.  I need you so much.

I want to believe you came to see me last night, because you always knew when my heart was troubled.  I know you're always watching.  I miss your half tuna sandwiches and unsalted chips with a pickle and a diet pepsi.  I miss hearing the TV blaring with baseball in the other room and Nano with his jokes.   He'd make such a mess with his lunch.  You were always so patient.  You listened.  Our talks.  You were more honest with me than anyone.  How I wish someone would listen the way you always did.  You were everything I wish I could be.  You always knew when anyone's heart needed healing.  You are still the single biggest figure in my life.  I try so hard to be humble, to be honest, to be patient, to be understanding, to not pass judgment.  I struggle.

What I wouldn't give to be standing next to you in the kitchen, watching you cook and hearing you sing.  Funny thing.  The little stuffed yellow mama and baby cats you gave me, weren't where they were supposed to be yesterday.  It was you.  It had to be you.  

 

Slutty, Sluttier, Sluttiest

Careful now!  Don't stand in judgment, it's not our place.  We all have a friend or family member that's a slut, and if you don't know any - then, you're probably the slut.  This post is dedicated to my female friends.  Though, I'm certain a few men may appreciate the post.

Urban Dictionary: Slut
"Someone who provides a very needed service for the community and sleeps with everyone, even the guy that has no shot at getting laid and everyone knows it. She will give him a sympathy fuck either because someone asked her to or she just has to fuck everyone she knows. These are great people, and without them sex crimes would definitely increase. Thank you slut, where ever you are."

*A derogatory term. 
*Refers to a sexually promiscuous person, usually female. 
*One who engages in sexual activity with a large number of persons, occasionally simultaneously. 
*Also refers to one who engages in sexual activity outside of a long-term relationship within the duration of said relationship.
*These sexual activities include but are not limited to: passionate kissing, manual stimulation of genitalia and/or breasts in the case of a female; oral stimulation of these parts; sexual intercourse.
*In some cases, used to refer to a woman who is wearing "skimpy" or tasteless clothing.
*Less commonly, used as a derogatory term by one female for another during periods of conflict.
*Synonyms: whore, tramp. Derivations: slutty (adj.), sluttier/sluttiest (superlatives). Related *Adjectives: easy; immoral; loose; cheap.

 

Could Urban Dictionary be wrong?  UHM.  No, it's pretty dead on.  And for those of you feeling superior because your moral compass won't allow you to befriend or love the slut - stop reading, now.  You're not going to enjoy this post.  Right, wrong or indifferent - she is providing a service.  Sadly, she will be called names behind her back, it will be her body that takes a toll from all the promiscuity.  But think of it this way, she's helping her fellow men.  She's granting sympathy sex for those, who might never get any, any other way.  She's released you from a miserable night, all because she went home with you without thinking twice.  Thankfully, she won't become attached and reach out to you - no worries about a stage 5 creeper or clinger.  So detached, so perfect!  She's just so thoughtful.  She's just so willing to please everybody else.  Now quit your slut-shaming!!! 

 

There are stigma's attached...  You've decided the slut is less intelligent, less mentally sound, less competent, her health or hygiene may be in question - all because her promiscuity has led you here.  Make no mistake, she knows what she's doing.  In fact, she may even be superior in her level of intelligence, she's just far less manipulative than other females less slutty.  Oh and definitely more sexual in nature.  Chances are you don't have to wine and dine her.  You won't have to wait until the third date to try and kiss her.

 

Here's where I may lose my male readership.  The sexual double standard has been studied for decades.  Yes, there's scientific proof that the male slut is revered and often thought to be the 'Alpha' male.  While the female slut is well, she's a slut.  Someone less competent, someone that's been around and still working the circle.  I don't care much for the sexual double standard, but in truth, I also don't really care.  I don't see how the male slut could be the alpha male, but I  personally concur it's a far more tragic thought to be a female slut.  Just a whole lot more going on, besides choosing to be promiscuous.  Anatomically speaking, a whole lot more going on and the upkeep, oh my!

 

I liked this theory; females are less likely to accept casual sex because women have less ova than males have sperm.  Shocking!  It made sense to me, and then it didn't.  It seemed a bit trite.  "There were only two of the proven double standards the researchers identified through studies. The concept of slut-shaming women for having casual sex in a society where promiscuous sexual behavior is only acceptable for men is not a theory – it’s a state of mind that has led to a culture of unsafe sexuality."

A woman wanting safe casual consensual and pleasurable sex should be something embraced.  Not every girl wants to be a good girl and/or morally or sexually circumspect.  And sometimes, good girls don't always stay on the path of righteousness.  In an age where our society boasts of being a part of the biggest Sexual Revolution, you'd think people were a little less capricious and a little more subjective.  Our liberal society will have you think they are so open minded, are they? 

 

It may not be my lifestyle choice and I don't care if any of my girlfriends want to be or are a slut.  If you want to be a slut, slut away.  Just protect yourself and the people you engage in intimate acts with.  Love yourself and show some slut pride.  No I'm not picking at you.  I'm definitely not patronizing either, I'm quite serious.  I love my slutty girlfriends.  And even my slutty guy friends.  They're not afraid to be who they are and it's their life, their journey, their choice. 

 

Shaking it up and breaking the monotony the only way I know how...

 

~the Science Behind Being a Slut. by: Laura Slavin

 

 

Waitress

My daughter and I were lazing about recently, watching a movie called Waitress.  Well I think she was doing homework and I was folding clothes.  It was a decent movie, it was different.  Cute.  A movie with a message of course.  And as the movie is coming to an end, my daughter asks a question...

She asked, "What did you think the first time you saw my brothers and me, when we were born?"  I had to collect my thoughts.  Then I had to collect myself.  And as tears flowed, my voice broke and I tried to tell her of the miraculous moment. 

I remember each of them.  Quite clearly.  The way they each smelled, the way they wiggled in my arms, the way they struggled to see me and open their eyes, the way there was an immediate bond and connection, how they didn't cry and how they just knew who I was.  How my voice soothed them and I will never forget it.  Never.  Nothing else in the world compares to it, before or after.

In that moment when I saw each of them, I knew what true love was, I knew my life was going to change epically and I knew they'd be my everything.  They were my first thought in the morning when I woke, and the last thought at night before I slept.  I would forever think of them every moment of every day until I breathe my last breath.  I could easily say when I laid eyes on them it took my breath away.  I could tell you tears of joy streamed down my cheeks, uncontrollably.  I could tell you that it was indescribable and that the only way I could help my daughter to understand, was by saying some day, if she chose to have children - she would know. 

Even now, writing it all down.  My eyes fill with tears, my chest begins to swell and I struggle to maintain an even tone in my voice.  I followed it by telling her - it's the only true love you will ever really know.  Unlike anything.  Sometimes, when I look at my amazing children, I get lost in those thoughts.  They think I'm silly and ridiculous.  They just don't know yet.   But. They will.  They will.

Nonverbal Skills

People can talk and talk and talk, and you never understand a word they're saying.  And some people don't have to say a word.  Body Language is something to behold.  It alludes to what words can often hide.

Body language is nonverbal communication.  It's an art form for some.  For many of us, it's mystery.  Ever try to figure out if someone was interested in you?  Did you follow all the key signs to look for and still couldn't tell?  Did you think they were interested, only to find yourself blushing ear to ear and wishing you could hide under a rock?  Or think they're just not interested, and then they plant a kiss on you, damn near brings you to your knees?  How could you miss that?

Some of us just aren't very good with nonverbal communication.  SO much is given away in other forms of communication.  Long gone are the real conversations.  We've become so reliant on our phones and social media.  We text everything, yet none of it gets the message across.  We have begun to abbreviate everything.  Never mind that the art of writing a note is long gone, so is nonverbal communication. 

Think about it.  People break up over a text.  Possibly because it's easier to text than face someone.  Having to see all that nonverbal communication can be disheartening and will definitely make you uneasy. Nothing quite like someone's facial expression when you tell them things aren't working out.  Or the gestures that follow....  no bueno!!   Why are we so afraid of real human interaction?  People are more comfortable on their phones, talking and texting than they are in conversation.  But body language is an epic form of communication.  Without it, so much of the message from a few words can be lost. 

Emotions can be detected more quickly and accurately with body language.  What about a handshake?  Isn't that nonverbal communication?  I mean yes, it's a greeting ritual, but isn't it more?  Doesn't it say something about that person?  Confidence?  Respect?  Manners?  Sure, many cultures don't practice handshakes and in some cultures men are not allowed to shake hands with women and vice versa.  But isn't it far more difficult to shake hands with someone you merely know via a social media environment?  Okay, Okay - I get it the world wide web has opened the lines of communication so wide... blah blah blah.  But I still concede there's no better communication than face to face.

Law enforcement uses body language as tells, and so do poker players.  Body language provides unspoken cues.  Some people can master deceit with lies, but their body language will give them away.  Ever ask someone a question, they tell you one thing - but their body language screams something else??  Can you tell if someone is lying or truly happy to hear from you via text??

Kinesics is the study and interpretation of body language.  "Kinesics is the interpretation of body motion communication such as facial expressions and gestures — that is, nonverbal behavior related to movement of any part of the body or the body as a whole."  It's all non-linguistic.  It's quite fascinating.  How many games can you think of that are based on nonverbal skills?? 

So you want to express to your special someone that you're in the mood, but can't use words - think a phone or social media will get that message across better than your nonverbal skills??  Good luck with that!!  I'll take my chances with nonverbal skills... so many more options!!!

Pre-conceived Notions

What is the Horn's Effect, or the Devil's Effect, or Reverse Halo Effect?  Funny I should ask... It's referred to as one of the ten Amazing Phenomena of a Normal Human Mind. It actually comes in as #6 on the list.  But what is it, you ask??  It's when people allow one undesirable trait to influence their evaluation of other traits.  Branding.  Categorizing.  Allowing a single weak trait to influence perception of all other traits.

Basically, we get judgmental.  It's our nature.  Is this biology or learned behavior, I wonder.  I can't find the answer to this question.  Any one know?

We all have our own inherent moral compass.  If we meet someone and see they possess a trait we find unsavory, we have a tendency to naturally think they have other negative traits.  We don't even give people an opportunity.

For example.  A friend of a friend was introduced to me.  A little background, I had been previously informed this person cheated on their significant other.  So without giving them a real chance or knowing any other details than what I had been told, I came to an immediate conclusion.  Judgmental, wouldn't you say?  Here's the thing.  The more I was exposed to this person and learned more about them, the more I found I liked them.  I learned the how and why behind the 'cheating' and other things that had gravely impacted their lives.  It became more of a they made their choices, based on their life.  It had nothing at all to do with what I envision is right or wrong.  I learned an invaluable lesson.  We shouldn't allow one negative thing to become the sole reason for assuming everything else is negative.  Look at me, growing.  Being forced to look at my own mistakes and grow from them.  Just another glorious moment in my journey.

Will I always do this?  I don't know.  I'm going to try my hardest to keep it forever in my head when I meet new people or especially people I've never met, but have heard 'things'.  I think everyone deserves at least, that opportunity.  I'm going to set aside my own selfish need to judge.  Even though psychology states this is a normal function for the human mind, I'm going to pull back and try to remove any preconceived notions. 
 

How fitting!!!

You don't know the half of it.

I have a restless mind.  I do.  I can cover a lot of subject matter in a short period of time.  And it only gets worse when I'm alone with my thoughts.  I don't know if my friends and family truly understand the struggle.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not a victim (except of my own crazed thoughts) and I'm certainly not suffering in any way shape or form.  BUT - I could stand to take some vitamins that might aid my memory and slow things down a little.  Truth be told, I've never been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD, and I'm no doctor - but I'm pretty sure my friends and family would confirm the possibility. 

I've been researching alternatives to medication, however.  I'd like to try some better ways to corral my thoughts, other than self-medicating.  To be Honest... I wasn't really all that surprised to find that Restless Mind Syndrome is an actual diagnosis.  I wonder how it's quantified?... but before I take off on that psychological tangent, I'm going to redirect myself.

I think friends and family find me flaky, because I can and often do get a little bajiggity.  Especially when imbibing in certain recreational activities, such as alcohol, etc... that only serves to make it appear worse.  SO now I'm much more of an idiot, though thankfully my friends and family are all very forgiving and patient.  Once upon a time, I had a photographic memory.  I was a pretty smart cookie, in my studies, in how eloquently I spoke or wrote, and could easily quote my favorite poets or excerpts from my favorite books.  I'm lucky these days if I remember what I did the day before.  You laugh, but it's that's a real true statement.  (four concussions can do that to you)

In my journey to help my brain function on a more appealing level for me - I came across an article from a blogger with HuffPost Healthy Living by: Jasmine Boussem;  "7 Ways to Get Rid of the Restless Mind Syndrome (RMS)".  As I quickly scanned the page, I found one of the seven to be very interesting, 'Kaizen'.  It's a Sino-Japanese word, that means 'change for better'.  It was one of the obvious seven, but a mystery to me - as I had never heard of it before.  I, of course began to research and was immediately intrigued. 

Nothing out of the ordinary.  Essentially speaking to the obvious.  A daily drive to self-improvement.  Small steps that ultimately lead to changes on a bigger scale.  Basically by making these tiny daily steps for the greater good it would have a hand in altering those larger things we seem unable to really get a handle on - but you're slowly chipping away at it.  How is this done?  I'm sorting through that on my own.  Obviously I'd need to plan according my life and issues.  But I feel its a positive step in the right direction.

Maybe friends and family will find me less flaky??  Maybe they won't.  It's really not about them anyway, it's about me.  My journey, my road to self-improvement. 

I have a restless mind.  It wanders in and out the open doors of the great oblivion.  Just as quickly as you think I'm here - I'm gone.  My mind it travels fast, I'd wager faster than the speed of light at times. I struggle to sleep - I can't shut out my thoughts or shut off my mind.  It's like a black hole.  Except everything bounces off and boomerangs back at me.  Things are forever lost and then 'poof' it there - just wrong place, wrong time.  My brain could drown in how quickly it's flooded, I can't process it all at the same time.  This is when it's best for me to keep my lips closed and not make a fool of myself.  It's also quite often when I think I'm on the brink of genius and then I'm just as surprised as everyone else by what does come out of my mouth.  Sometimes it's good.  Sometimes.

I long for the quiet.  I long for sleep.  I long for the ability to process thoughts intimately and individually.  I long to put them in pecking order and in a place where I can quickly draw and call upon them, when they're actually needed. I want to let go of the propensity to project negativity when I can't do this.  I'd love for all the other thoughts that hit me at cosmic speed to slow down on approach.  I'd like to not muddle a current event with sexual thought or innuendo.  Okay - no, I find that entertaining, so yeah - never-mind on the last sentence.

I don't really need to make sense of every single solitary thought I have.  Maybe it's just who I am.  Maybe I am all over the map.  Maybe I did care but now I've sorted it some of it out writing and now I really don't care.  Or maybe... squirrel.  

How fitting!

 

Appreciate a Veteran!!

What is a Veteran?

"A 'Veteran' - whether active duty, discharged, retired, or reserve - is someone who, at one point in his/her life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of 'up to and including his/her life'.  That is honor, and there are way too many people in this country today, who no longer understand that fact."

My Father is a Veteran, my Grandfather, my son, my brother, my great-Uncle and countless friends.  I believe these men and women should be honored every day, not just one day of the year.  It takes someone very special to be willing to sacrifice and give of their lives for their country, for our freedom. 

History of Veterans Day

World War I – known at the time as “The Great War” - officially ended when the Treaty of Versailles was signed on June 28, 1919, in the Palace of Versailles outside the town of Versailles, France. However, fighting ceased seven months earlier when an armistice, or temporary cessation of hostilities, between the Allied nations and Germany went into effect on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month. For that reason, November 11, 1918, is generally regarded as the end of “the war to end all wars.”

Veterans Day is an official Federal Holiday here in the United States, observed annually on November 11.  It also coincides with Armistice Day and/or Remembrance Day.  But should not be confused with Memorial Day.  Veterans Day is celebrating the service of ALL men and women in the Armed Forces, while Memorial Day is specifically for honoring those that gave their lives or perished. 

The United States Congress passed a concurrent resolution on June 4, 1926, requesting that President Calvin Coolidge issue another proclamation to observe November 11 with appropriate ceremonies.^[2] A Congressional Act (52 Stat. 351; 5 U.S. Code, Sec. 87a) approved May 13, 1938, made the 11th of November in each year a legal holiday: "a day to be dedicated to the cause of world peace and to be thereafter celebrated and known as 'Armistice Day'."^[3]  Congress amended the bill on June 1, 1954, replacing "Armistice" with "Veterans," and it has been known as Veterans Day since.^[5][6]

Non-essential federal government offices are closed. No mail is delivered. All federal workers are paid for the holiday; those who are required to work on the holiday sometimes receive holiday pay for that day in addition to their wages.

To be a soldier is one of the most Honorable things any person can do.  Whether it's for our country or for another country.  These men and women are brave and self-less.  Visit the VA.gov, you'll find wonderful and amazing stories of men and women that fought for our freedoms. 

"A soldier is a man or woman who selflessly devotes their life to ensure that all citizens of their country can sleep with peace of mind and live out day to day without fear. A soldier gives you your freedom, and asks nothing in return. A soldier is the highest type of citizen. A soldier is what most of you are scared to be." 

"Soldier

In a war, soldiers are the people who do the fighting, on the ground, in planes, or from boats. Soldier is also a verb that means to serve in the military, or to continue on through difficult times."

 

"The soldier above all others prays for peace, for it is the soldier who must suffer and bear the deepest wounds and scars of war." Douglas MacArthur

 

"On the battlefield, the military pledges to leave no soldier behind. As a nation, let it be our pledge that when they return home, we leave no veteran behind." Dan Lipinski

 

"To be a soldier one needs that special gene, that extra something, that enables a person to jump into one on one combat, something, after all, that is unimaginable to most of us, as we are simply not brave enough." Rupert Everett

 

"It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men and women that died.  Rather we should thank God that such men and women lived."  Gen George S. Patton

 

 

What is Sexy????

Type in 'what is sexy' next time you're on Google, and you'll have pages of advice and articles of what men think is sexy and a few from women on what's sexy.  Put it to images and then beautiful women fill the pages, mostly models - of course.  Make no mistake, it's all sexy!!  We all love sex.  We all love skin.  We all love seeing beautiful people.  We are a society that thrives on sex, skin and beauty.  And every PR company and advertising agency in the world knows it.

So the first thing to pop up is Victoria's Secret's list of 'what is sexy'.  Or should I say 'who' and the best part is, you can contribute by voting. (nice interactive touch)  Next article is "the science of sexy: 5 things that can make you irresistible'.  The following nine articles are an exchange of what men think is sexy about women.  That's just page one!!  As I quickly scan the page, one of the article statements stands out; 'sexy should be what stirs a man's private parts'.  Yep, that's exactly what it said and I couldn't help but let out a giggle - we trust and read these articles.  We read them and soak them in and absorb all the sordid details we can.  So eager to appeal, so eager to impress, so eager to conform to being what every man thinks is sexy.

How many women, men, girls, and boys read this stuff?  How often?  How much is too much?  How little is too little?  Can just anybody post an article about what's sexy?  What quantifies the legitimacy of these statements?  Who was surveyed or polled?  Did they look for specific demographics?  Are they married or single?  I'm certain many of these writers are legit, with a masters in journalism or such, with articles from Esquire, Cosmopolitan or Huffington Post.  I say legit, because these are magazines we all buy and read, multi-million dollar magazines that have been in circulation forever.  So they must be legit, right?  Could it be that the author wrote what he/she found to be sexy?  Maybe they polled a bunch of personal friends?  Did they go to a college campus?  I have questions.  I want answers. 

I know what I know to be sexy or what I find to be appealing.  I stopped reading stuff like this when I became comfortable with myself.  I know what I like, I know what I want.  I do what makes me happy and makes me feel sexy.  I'm a confident woman.  However, I am also raising young men and a young lady, I have nieces, nephews, god-children and friends with kids.  This stuff still has the potential to confuse any guidance I try to cultivate in the youth I'm surrounded by.  And I'd be a liar to not admit, yes I still peruse and often enjoy reading these types of articles.  Some of this stuff is salacious, funny and intriguing.  I occasionally even learn something.  But I tend to follow myself now, a gut feeling. 

What could make their articles so compelling that we are willing to give ourselves over so easily?  Is it because these are multi-million dollar magazine companies?  Is it that they put beautiful actors/actresses and/or just beautiful people all over the articles, commercials and such??  If all you have to do is put a boy's favorite football player on the cover, he's going to read every word his idol says in print.  Your favorite band - consider any written word completely absorbed.  We find their faces familiar or we think they're beautiful, so we immediately trust the messages.  Am I saying it's all good stuff?  No.  Am I saying it's all bad?  Absolutely not!  But, they are selling something,  and we are obviously buying it.  It's up to us to arrive at our own conclusions. 

There are so many things that appeal to us as women.  For starters, for me personally, if I put on sexy matching bra and panties - it can set the tone of my day.  I feel like a Goddess, I exude confidence just because my undergarments are sexy - even if I'm the only one that knows it.  Follow that with a great hair day and flawless make-up and the right outfit.  I can feel so sexy and confident, nothing can shake it.  Smiling a lot helps, finding humor in everything is sexy.  Do any of these articles discuss what we think is sexy?  Or are we really only going to hear what men have to say?  Don't get me wrong.  Their opinion matters.  Even to feminists - though you'll probably never get a confession from one.  I think we put a lot of focus on what men think is sexy.  And yes, while it's important, I think it's more important for women to feel sexy for themselves.  If they exude sexiness, men will think they're sexy, right?  I don't know.  I want to impress myself these days.  Yes, it's wonderful to be complimented, it strokes the ego.  We need to feel good about ourselves and not worry so much what everybody else thinks. 

I'm 5'8" and I'm voluptuous. (oh she's a fat girl, calling herself voluptuous no - honey, I'm very proud of my body I'm not skinny and I'm not the athlete I once was) but my curves are beautiful and feminine, I feel sexy in my skin and I love being a woman.  I'm not petite, or blonde or blue-eyed or tan or a model.  I'm a tall brunette with an hourglass shape, porcelain fair skin and hazel eyes.  Genetically speaking I've been told I'm blessed, that I'm cross-gender and cross-species sexy, that my confidence and my smile (yes I have a small gap between my front teeth) is amazing.  But like I said, I stopped listening to everyone else and started loving myself some time ago. 

Personally what works for me, may not work for others.  I get it.  Maybe some are more comfortable following trends.  I just think that with how often we are affected by change and how often fashion and trends change, so does sexy - maybe we should look in the mirror and find something to like, learn to love ourselves.  It seems we can be so critical of each other and ourselves.  Funny thing is, what you may find to be something that needs improvement or something you wish you didn't have - someone may find it beautiful and sexy.

Point is - confidence never goes out of style.  I can be having a bad hair day, it's not what I want, but I carry myself with grace and flash a big bright smile and it seems no one notices my hair.  I'm not faking it until I make it either.  If I smile at you, trust it's genuine.  Confidence is SEXY!!  Love yourselves, ladies.  Men will find it sexy.


 

Just a theory...

Yes, I'm an Aries.  I need to clarify a few things, before launching into this post though.  I don't follow cheesy horoscopes.  I truly believe the planetary alignments affect human nature.

I believe, because physicists and mathematicians also believe there is scientific proof that it is possible.  You see there are four forces at work with planetary movement (gravity, electromagnetism, nuclear-strong and nuclear-weak) - however, only two of the four have the potential to affect us. Gravity and electromagnetism can affect things over distances. So, that being said if the planets have any affect on us, it would be one or both of these forces. 

The Moon's gravity obviously greatly affects our tides, but it's electrical field is essentially zero. Not exactly zero - but effectively, thus making the magnetic field non-existent because it's so random and scattered. Gravity is much more powerful than the electromagnetic fields, no matter how tiny the impact is between planets - it's still enough to create a domino effect. 

***"The Moon’s gravity causes tides, but effectively nothing else. The Sun’s gravity has about 40% of the Moon’s influence and Jupiter, which completely dwarfs the effects of all of the other planets combined, has about 1 two-hundred-thousandth of the Moon’s tidal effect.  Point is, our understanding of the known forces of the universe preclude the idea of the planets and stars having any direct influence on people."  So to be fair, nothing is conclusive, science likes to be exact." 

Though the evolution of all things scientific and/or researched and proven, begins with theory ...

***"So the better question isn’t “can so-called ‘science’ explain astrological effects?” but instead “are there astrological effects?”. There has been a lot of research into astrological phenomena, but so far all of the results have been negative or unrepeatable (science talk for “this isn’t a thing”).  Since the 18th or 19th century the scientific community has pretty much stopped looking, but they were at it for a very long time. There aren’t many scientific papers that seriously investigate this sort of thing, partly because the results are well-known, and partly because the experiments involved are easy enough that they tend to show up in middle-school science fairs relatively often (this is also why there are no articles in Nature about baking soda and vinegar volcanoes)."


"That said, I’d like to provide some point on what I see as a flawed take on the subject. You see, my formation is as a Philosopher, and when studying Classic, Medieval and Renascence philosophies, there’s no working around the need to obtain at least some theoretical understanding of Astrology, as those older thinkers used to take it into account or at least talk about it. And in so doing, one of the most interesting realizations at which one arrives is that the actual theoretical basis for Astrology had almost nothing to do with Physics. In fact, Physics entered the picture (and the discussion) more or less at the time it began showing its many awesome results, circa 17th century or so. Before that, however, nope, it’s nowhere to be seen. Furthermore, due to Physics not being part of it, it also wasn’t thought that the planets influenced people directly, and much less that such direct influence happened by way of some kind of energy field, force or the like, concepts that simply didn’t exist back then.
So, what did Astrology (and astrologers) actually believe? In something called “analogy” (not to be confused with the literary concept). The notion was more or less this: given that the universe and you form a single whole, it comes that “you” equals “universe minus everything that isn’t you”, or, put another way, that there’s a correlation between whatever happens with you and whatever happens to everything else. So, if you could find a regularity “out there”, that would correspond to a regularity “in here”. And what are the only absolute regularities we find in a world otherwise completely random? The planetary movements. Thus, by studying the planetary movements then correlating the “analogous” internal movements they revealed with a person’s specific, individual characteristics, you’d be able to get some insights on her past and current standing, as well as on where she was going. It should be noted, in addition, that this study of a person’s individuality should be made in person, not by merely figuring where and when she was born, because any number of life facts, up to and including what you did in the morning, influenced how you were to interpret the analogy." (Alexander Gieg, BA in Philosophy)

It makes sense to me.  I believe there's so much more to sun signs than the silly horoscope interpretations.  I have found most people, individually possess the characteristics inherent to each sun sign, that they are born under.  There's got to be something to that, alone.  There's just more theory than anything applied here.  Not a great deal of science.  I ask you to consider the amount of research and work that goes into natal/birth charts, planetary alignments - astrologically speaking, surely, it must mean something?  Yes, some of it can be incredibly general and skeptics may say we apply what speaks to us individually because we want something to believe in.  We want celestial involvement.  I would recommend if any of this is intriguing to read up a little on the Theory of Astrology.  I'm no scientist, I'm not a professor, I have no claims of being an astrologer and my formal education is limited to less than an AA.  I haven't read a birth chart in over 20 years.  Nor would I, because there's so much more to the process now and it's such a specific and definitive chart based on your true date of birth, not just the date, but the time, the year, etc...  I know I get way to squirrelly to stay focused. 

Because I like to include information to support my own thoughts or beliefs or sometimes the written word behind what's inspired the post - I'm going to include some negativity that refutes Astrology.  Published in 1985 in Nature, (one of the world's leading scientific publications) was The Carlson Double-Blind Study.  To date, it is still one of the strongest indictments against Astrology.  An article by Ken McRitchie points out the flaws of this study.  "These flaws include: no disclosure of similar scientific studies, unfairly skewed design, disregard for its own stated criteria of evaluation, irrelevant groupings of data, rejection of unexpected results, and an illogical conclusion based on the null hypothesis. Yet, when the stated measurement criteria are applied and the data is evaluated according to normal social science, the two tests performed by the participating astrologers provide evidence that is consistent with astrology (p = .054 with ES = .15, and p = .037 with ES = .10). These extraordinary results give further testimony to the power of data ranking and rating methods, which have been successfully used in previous astrological experiments. A critical discussion on follow-up studies by McGrew and McFall (1990), Nanninga (1996/97), and Wyman and Vyse (2008) is also included."

I digress.  I still like the idea that the galaxy beyond us can have such a substantial impact on our everyday little lives.  Perhaps, I just want something to believe in, it doesn't really matter, I honestly just wanted to share.  

Aries, as characterized by various astrologers ;  are bold, energetic, adventurous, pioneering, courageous and brave, enthusiastic, confident and on occasion quick-witted.  Selfish at times, quick-tempered, self-sacrificing for others, impulsive and impatient.  Will boldly go where no one is willing to tread.  I'm the first sign on the zodiac, so innately we think we have to be first (translates to selfish - which contradicts self-sacrificing) fiercely competitive, fiery by nature, love a challenge and all about new beginnings and freedom.  We do like our space. We are incredibly loyal to the people we love and care for and will fight to the death for them, as well as our principles and beliefs.  We want to lead, we do NOT like being told what to do and often find it offensive that someone wants us to obey them.  Mostly because we are more fully capable of leading and truly despise the idea of following, we're also very headstrong and independent.  We are frank, direct and often candid.  That's not always well received and some may find it difficult to relate to us.  However, we are exciting and others like to be around our energy and humor. 

I like to think I am unique, even if only in my own head.



***Ask a Mathematician / Ask a Physicist, Posted on November 18, 2012 by The Physicist

Misspoken Words

https://youtu.be/LVB2mXCTbNs

How many times have you said something, and the moment it escaped your lips, you wanted to kick yourself?  What's worse - oh, I don't know - how about watching the person's face contort into an expression of pain and then disgust?  YEP - once it's out there - you can't un-ring that bell.  Forget that you were using the wrong word, the wrong adjective, a verb instead of a noun or vice-versa, grammatically - you've had a truly bad day.  None of that matters at ALL, you've just said something so incredibly offensive to someone, they're considering kicking your ass.  At least the look on their face, alludes to it.  Oh you're so screwed... and there's No take backs!   You're going to eat crow my friend, and if you value that person at all, you're going to apologize and apologize and apologize.  What's that - you didn't mean to say it?  Wrong word?  Who.... cares?  The offendee is now looking at you, like you've just taken a Louisville Slugger to their knee caps.  You are now a piece of poop on the bottom of their favorite pair of shoes.

It happens more than we want to admit.  Truth is, we don't think before we speak.  All of us, talking over each other and not listening and just not using our ears in proportion to our mouths.  Our words or the implications in our phrasing can be incredibly offensive and biting.  The quick-witted and sarcastic are the worst (sorry) or should I say the best at this.  I'm so flawed and fallible here, but hey - we all stumble and fall.  And isn't it funny how we all want to point a finger when we are on the receiving end of this?  None of us wants to be in that hot seat.  Seriously, when you realize you've hurt someone you didn't intend to hurt, there are NO words to explain it away or say you're sorry.  You have to look them in their eyes, knowing you caused that pain.  They will not hear anything other than those biting words in their head.  They're hurt, you did it and now they've shut down the line of communication, they look at you - but they're looking right through you.  All you can do is suck it up and listen when the floodgates open. 

You know you never meant to hurt that person, (and how can they not see that?) but now you will be brow-beaten (even by yourself) and/or given the cold shoulder.  And this is what's called fair-play.  How dare you get upset and ba-jiggity because you want to fix this and you're trying to make them understand you didn't mean to hurt them.  You've apologized a dozen times and they still won't talk to you, so now, you've exacerbated the situation because - you're only thinking of yourself!!!?  Wait, what?!  Yes, of course, me groveling and apologizing hundreds of times, struggling feverishly to understand and fix things or get you to talk to me, or actually look at me without looking through me, is now also offensive?   

Glass Houses.  We are all guilty!  Long gone are days of childish ways "sticks n stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me?" Our words are like daggers, how sharp and mighty is the tongue!  Everyone's level of sensitivity varies on any given day.  I don't know about you, but I'm not psychic.  I am, however, a firm believer in tact and... in truths.  Attempting to make everyone happy and curbing my vocabulary, or changing my grammar and/or phrasing often proves difficult.  No one - and I do mean - no one, is that good a social chameleon.  And personally, I don't feel being politically correct necessitates walking on egg shells.  You can not and will not please the masses.  Any attempt to please those around you, negates you, you'll be flipping yourself in every direction except your own and sometimes it will all be for nothing.  So be prepared, if you make that sacrifice - the other person owes you - nothing!  SO careful with how you project your expectations, you're going to be disappointed.  And the other person shouldn't be obligated to apologize for your expectations. 

If people love you, they will love you and accept your flaws.  Should I be the one to put duct tape on my mouth or change my behavior?  Most of the people I know and love don't stop to consider my feelings?  They just spit stuff out at me.  They don't tread carefully to ensure I'm not offended, oh no, no, no - they do and say what pleases them.  Whether in the hopes that we are on the same wavelength or that it won't bother me, or that I'll become enlightened.  So the manner in which they speak to me, is sometimes self-righteous and indignant.  Flip the script, if I speak to them like they speak to me - Hell will open up!!  If I say and do nothing, they continue to do this... if I broach the subject then I'm being argumentative and don't take constructive criticism well.  It doesn't matter what I do, some people will just never consider your feelings, and they will never be happy.  They will continue to speak their mind for the sake of giving an over-inflated opinion (or to coin their phrase - 'the truth').  I take and tolerate way more than I should because I love these people.  But my patience continues to wear thin.

So many questions immediately come to mind, this 'misspoken words' thing is so connected to so many things, it's a multi-level subject, it truly is so much bigger than just a misspoken word!! 

I'm not a sadist, I'm not into humiliating people, I don't go out of my way to embarrass you I don't enjoy seeing people I love, let alone those I just like, squirm.  I don't have an innate need to make people feel inferior to me.  I'm not condescending, even when I am the expert on the subject.  It's not who I am, I don't get off on the pain, belittlement or suffering of others.  I don't like to put people down to make myself feel better.  The last thing in the world I want is for people to feel uncomfortable around me.  I don't wake up and decide, hey I'm going to be a bitch today, then set out to hurt someone I love.  I'll admit, maybe in a fit of anger, a heated argument, we exchange some pretty biting words or get in some unnecessary digs to get the other's attention, but the weight of that is so heavy with regret - it bogs down my soul.  If I've hurt your feelings, and you know.... me, then I would hope you would know better than to think I'd intentionally hurt you. 

What's difficult to explain here is; my level of sensitivity and the fact that I struggle to remain non-judgmental means I carry and use a filter and/or tact more than most people.  I would even wager money on that.  I may have opinions, but even then, I take heed to curb what I say.  Trust me, I will get the lay of the land, pay attention to who may or may not be listening and then yes, as fast or as slow as my mind will move, I will then proceed to open my mouth.   However, I've just offended you, I was "out of line".

I'm spinning now and in a state of confusion, I don't always call people out when they've said something nasty to me - none of that matters now, my negligence has become very costly.  Yes -  go ahead, call me out on it so I don't do it again, but don't belabor it.  I'm much like a child, I'm too honest and my overzealous mind and quick mouth put me here, next time I should sputter and stammer a bit more, because I truly didn't mean to hurt you. 

You need time to process something I said?  So, does that constitute thereby negating any communication and going all icy cold on me?  Trust me, I feel it, the air is rife with your glacial attitude - I'm talking, but you're not hearing a word I say.  The look on your face speaks of disdain and disgust.  You won't talk about it though, not yet.  Here's where I question if you're really toiling over how to have this discussion.  Right or wrong, my frustration is on the rise because you won't talk to me.  I'm now in my own head and I start to think you're belaboring it on purpose to make me grovel...but why would you do that?

When you believe you're being attacked, you don't stop or pause to think.  When something strikes us a certain way, we immediately think it personal, dismissing any and all other positivity.  We are all guilty of jumping to conclusions.  It's easy for things to come undone and unravel after that.  Retrospect.  We've essentially gone from 0 to 60 in less than a fraction of a second. On the other end of the spectrum, I could also say - if everyone stops trying to finish sentences for people and simply listened and we weren't all waiting for the person to stop talking so we can interrupt and say what we want, maybe if we just listened... than maybe words would not have as much power over us.  Predicting what someone is going to say in your own head is not listening.  Listening could be the answer here, it could save a lot of heartbreak and misunderstanding. 

All I can say is take heed, "Be careful with your words.  Once they are spoken, they can only be forgiven - not forgotten."  They will remain with that person or with you, no explanation or apology can stop the way those words were heard.  "If the words we spoke appeared on our skin, would we still be beautiful?"  "The tongue is a small thing, but what enormous damage it can do."  James 3:5.    Also, take care of how you talk to yourself, you are listening but so are others - it's often how they determine how they'll treat you, by how you speak to and of yourself.  "Be sure to taste your words before you spit them out."  Also remember, "no matter how carefully you choose your words, they still end up being twisted by others."  And here's my favorite:

"Before you say something, think how you'd feel if someone said it to you."

Changing Hearts ... Part 2

It's been 5 years....SO much to catch you up on!!!

Recalling the original post, my friend was in a 5 year relationship and expressed a want to get married.  He did everything to stall, so she started going out and partying.  Then he decided to join the military and sadly they had ended things.  Fast forward - my friend is now happily married, to the same beau in the military and after a great deal of work and sacrifice, they're both parents. 

I'll rewind a little... He left for boot camp, while he was gone, she didn't seem to want to party and go out all the time anymore.  She quickly got bored, because it was really just show for him.  He wasn't there to appreciate it.  Of course, while he was away in boot camp, he really started missing her, so they started talking again.  Once out of boot camp, they were so elated to see each other.  They continued to work on their new long distance relationship and he finally got up the nerve to ask for her hand in marriage.  He put a ring on her finger and fulfilled a dream for her.  They had a lovely outdoor wedding.  Everyone had a wonderful time. 

Lucky bastard got orders to be stationed in Hawaii!!  So they packed up and were lucky enough to be there for 2 years.  He also did a tour in Afghanistan and when he came back they began trying to have a baby.  It was a very emotional very difficult process.  They were a bit luckier than most as it only took two tries to get in vitro right.  Now they've got a beautiful precious little daughter.  She'll be a year old soon. 

Moral of my story.  Two people that really love each other may not always see things eye to eye, it doesn't always mean the relationship is over.  "Sometimes things fall apart, so better things can come together".  They are very loving parents, loving each other and they've found a happy medium and the ability to communicate and compromise.  I'm incredibly happy for my friend.  I'm looking forward to her visit within the next month or so.

 

...on bended knee

"And when wind and winter harden  All the loveless land,  It will whisper of the garden,
You will understand." ~ Oscar Wilde  (written to his wife)

I made a vow I'd never marry again, after a brutal and painful divorce that shook my beliefs to the core.  I had been so fastened to those ideals and values that it flipped everything on its head, leaving me to question everything.

My vision of marriage changed completely, and not just getting married, but the idea of marriage, as a whole.  You know, there's an illusion people hastily attach to the tenants of marriage.  I think we (us - people as a whole) don't embrace the ideals or beliefs or the truth behind what it means to marry, to enter into a committed relationship and take and keep a vow.  I didn't want to have to feel that kind of obligation again, with no reciprocation.  Why would I want to commit myself again and enter into something I no longer believed in?  I had been the one to ask for a divorce.  Me - the one raised in church and hell-bent on staying married to the end of time, I had entered into a marriage I had fully believed in and I would die before getting a divorce.  That's what I had said, from childhood and years into my marriage, but then so many things went wrong... and I was the one that asked for a divorce.  It almost killed me.  

I had fallen in love and gotten married by the time I was twenty.   I knew exactly what I was doing.  I wasn't going to make all the same mistakes of all of the adults around me, I was too smart, too young, too in love, I was so sure I knew it all.  Despite many warnings and many things that should have been flags - I got married.  I was married for thirteen years. 

And so it would be that we would make all the same mistakes and a whole lot of new ones.  I find most people rarely truly talk about divorce.  Unless it's angry talk.  It just isn't something people like to discuss.  It's as if its politically incorrect to talk about it, unless its to make a joke or jest or to provide a friend or someone with some unsolicited wisdom on marriage and divorce.  Marriage was something you made fun of, something you'd warn the next generation not to do.. or worse, you'd project your eternal grudge.  I find rarely do people want to truly share the deeper emotions associated with how you're affected by marriage and divorce.  It's disheartening. 

Going through a divorce is a major event for some people in their lives - whether it was you that wanted the marriage to end, or the other person.  It destroys both people.  It destroys everyone!  Friends and family pick sides, everything is wrecked!  The pain is surreal and some people never fully recover.  It's probably one of the most difficult things to go through in life and nothing and no one can truly prepare you.  I've been divorced for over a decade now, so when I think about it, it's a lot less painful.  We aren't friends, and that's sad because I wish we had been, it would have been far more beneficial to raising our kids.  Just because we could no longer be together, didn't mean we shouldn't keep our promise as parents. 

It was tough.  As time passed, others became involved and interfered and/or were victims.  In truth, we never truly understood the vows we took before God. We weren't mature enough to understand the principles of marriage and what that would mean to each of us, individually.  I honestly don't think people really think about those vows - they say they do, but we don't.  We become consumed by everything else that's going on.  We marry because of an unplanned pregnancy, because our parents don't want us to live in sin, because it's what all our friends are doing.

I could tell you it was all his fault.  He'll probably tell you it was all my fault.  Truth was - we both destroyed our marriage.  We had been very much in love.  We had built a life together spanning some sixteen years.  We had had beautiful children, a home, friends and family that were connected through the years for parties, holidays and events.  We had explored our youth even long after we had become parents.  We had had many happy times in between lots of indifferent, immature and even miserable moments.  We were a mismatch and destined to simply continue to grow apart.  We wanted different things and had less and less in common, everything fell apart.  It didn't matter that we loved each other anymore.  We had been raised differently, our cultures and background had never mattered before, but they certainly played a part of everything coming apart.  Our pride got in the way.  Lots of things got in the way.  

I left.  It destroyed him.  It destroyed me.  It hurt everyone.  We had not tried hard enough and at times we had tried too hard.  We couldn't turn things around and there were moments of extreme disparity for each of us.  It was too little too late and not enough at all.  Still for as many times as we had broken up and patched things up - our marriage couldn't be fixed.  I take away a lot of wisdom and experience and love from that time in my life.  I try to remember better days, without losing sight of what was lost and why it had to be lost.  I'm better without him, and he's better without me.  I became a Mother which would ultimately be the most important thing in the world to me.  At one point, we had a beautiful life - but I remember very clearly why we don't belong together.  It wasn't for a lack of trying, we tried like hell.  But when things are forced, they're just going to fall apart at some point, anyway. 

Two years after we split up, I would become engaged.  I thought I had found love again.  I thought God had opened a new door for me.  Uh - I was wrong, then too, I was so very wrong.  I loved him, and maybe he loved me in the beginning.  But our love would always be indifferent.  I loved him more, than he loved me and I would spend more time trying to save him from himself.  Our relationship went only one direction, fast forward, and it wasn't healthy.  I couldn't do it anymore, it was tearing me apart, it was tearing apart my kids and friends and family.  I had wanted to marry him, and then I stalled the wedding a half dozen times.  Hindsight is 20/20 - I must have always known I would never marry him.  God gave me a beautiful son, even after I thought I'd never be able to have children again.  That would redeem all the pain and suffering - that little boy would become one of the greatest gifts in my life, he'd be the glue between me and my family like nothing else.  Again - I walked away, I had to - it was the best and the only choice I could make for the health and safety of everyone I loved. 

This broken engagement and failed relationship would epically change how I saw the idea of marriage - once again forcing me to look at it in a different perspective.  We had been engaged, had a child and while some of that was good it would also serve to be the ultimate corruption of the idea marriage for me.  The idea of getting married again slipped further and further into the abyss.  I stopped believing.  Marriage was laughable.  While friends and family couldn't wait to marry me off to someone - I would laugh at them.  How absolutely and irrefutably stupid could they be?  I knew of so many unhappy marriages and the fronts people would put up for the world, were insane.  People staying together for money, for possessions, for their kids, for all the wrong reasons.  I don't know, I guess you could say I was changing, I was swearing off the things I knew or thought could destroy me.  I would later realize I had been judging my friends and family for this...fueling my disdain towards the idea of marriage.

Looking back I should have taken more care of how I spoke of love and marriage.  Not realizing just how much my kids would be listening.  How so many of the statements I had made in anger, would altar younger lives and echo for years to come.  They had heard way too much, they had seen way too much.  Sadly after witnessing the awful heartbreak of their parents, and many people around them, they didn't believe in love.  Understand, I'm telling you they don't believe in love - not marriage.  They want to get married some day.  They just don't believe in love.  It breaks my heart.  It sends me on a roller coaster of emotions, wondering how could I have let this happen?  Maybe I'm to blame?!  Maybe I wasn't, maybe it had nothing to do with my words at all.  I can only hope and pray they find that person that changes their minds.  I plead with them, all the time, to understand that love is very real, it just (and please forgive my saying this) it just doesn't last forever - life is not a Disney movie.  True love is out there, I have witnessed it, but it is incredibly rare. 

I was raised to believe in marriage.  I watched every known fairytale and romantic comedy you can think of.  I still watch them, often begrudgingly.  I saw my grandparents and my parents and even friends that have pushed hard to make their marriages work.  I know now that even some of them had to go a 2nd round and risk it all over again with a whole other person to understand that vow. 

I realized I had been suppressing my feelings of how I truly felt about marriage.  Yes, I was sure I didn't want to get married.  But what if someone was sure I was worth marrying.  Even knowing it could fail.  Even knowing I could be a disaster.  Even knowing I'd want to change the fundamental principles in today's societal perception of marriage.  I knew then, at that moment, that maybe I was embracing a part of me, even if it was that little 3 year old girl with an untainted unbroken heart that was mesmerized by a moon.  I had been daydreaming of someday loving someone so much that they could change how I saw everything, including myself.  Maybe it was in the spirit of that feisty fiery 16 year old girl that looked through every bridal magazine dreaming of wearing a lovely beautiful gown and gazing into the eyes of her 'prince charming'.  Maybe, just maybe I didn't want to let go of the fairytale. 

I don't want to write it off anymore.  I'd like to believe someday someone will find me worth any part of what it entails to enter into a marriage and possibly a divorce.  I'd like to believe that they'd fight as hard as me at making it work.  That the sacrifice would be real and in equal measure.  I see good marriages and happy couples everywhere.  Does marriage change the idea of knowing that that one person will always be there for you and you for them?  That you'll grow old together and sit on a bench somewhere in a park and talk of days of past, while holding hands and cursing the younger generations.  I don't know, it changes everything.  I still want that, or something incredibly close to it.  Maybe I've reverted to romanticizing marriage.  I've grown as a woman, as an adult, I know what marriage means, now.  Maybe just maybe, someday, someone will get on bended knee and ask.

What does marriage mean?  What if I was in an amazing relationship and never married again, would that be fulfilling?  Is it what I really want or am I mirroring someone else's wants?  I know this much, no one is on bended knee.  Still, I have hope.  It's taken a long time for me to come to this conclusion.  And I think I was beating myself up for attempting to come to terms with it.  I changed my mind about something I felt incredibly passionate about and I'm no longer going to strictly hold down my own theories, ideas and beliefs without at least hearing or seeing with an open mind.  I feel good about this... and people say I can't change - hmph!
 

whispers

Crawl inside my head
Caress my thoughts first
Set me on fire 
Now I'm alive

My blood thunders
through my veins
My soul is blistering
about to explode

Now kiss me
with all of you
Consume me,
Absolutely
Completely

Your passion is where
I want to breathe