Hollow: Having a hole or empty space inside. Without significance. Insincere. A hole or depression in something. Gouge. Scoop. Dig. Shovel. Drained. Emotionally draining.
Heavy: Of great weight, difficult to lift or move. Of great density; thick or substantial. Striking or falling with force. Mentally oppressive and hard to endure. Important or serious.
I was raised to be self-sufficient, kind, honest, patient, driven, humble and to always give people the benefit of the doubt. To forever follow the lining of the dark cloud until I see the beautiful glimmer of silver. I was taught to face forward towards the sun and look for the rainbows that follow the storms, to always keep shadows at my back. I was taught to be open-minded and forgiving.
I've failed and I've succeeded. I've had moments of pure elation, moments of extreme depression and plenty of accidental and intentional moments of riding the waves of life wherever they carried me.
We are all faced with having to make choices in life. There's always the Heavy and the Hollow. By the 'heavy' I mean the weight of those decisions. The gravity of the situation. Good. Bad. Indifferent. Who's affected. Who's not. Repercussions. Resentments. Judgment. By the 'hollow' I mean important, serious often hard to endure emotionally draining moments/choices. They're my choices. I owe no one an explanation. Of course people are impacted by some of those choices.
I live with my decisions, I face being accountable. It serves no purpose to run from or deny myself. We all have coping mechanisms. I'm not foolish enough to believe everyone agrees with my choices. I am completely aware that people are sometimes hurt by my choices. That's part of living with the heavy, and that's on me. The part of the hollow is, that's life too. Albeit unfair at times, but to tell me I owe someone an apology is smug. I don't prevail upon other people to respond to things or behave as I would, to make the choices I would, to see through my eyes, to understand what may have contributed to the choices I've made. When we set expectations, we are setting ourselves up for failure - not everyone will see through your eyes or know what's going on in your head. Quite often, I feel alone - most people may never understand me. And that's unfair, but hey - that's life. It doesn't really matter in the spectrum of it all anyway. I don't presume to tell people they owe someone an apology or should be apologizing. What I believe and my opinion are just that. I won't feign ignorance here. Most of what we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Most of what we see is perspective, not the truth. It's not easy to know the difference.
The magnitude of the changes taking place in my life sent me down this road to self-improvement. It didn't happen overnight. It wasn't a single solitary situation that set it all off. There was a multitude of things...simply put, many aspects of my life were not headed in the direction they should. Sometimes, that has to do with choices. Sometimes, it has to do with people. Sometimes, they're intertwined and convoluted. Sadly, there are things people won't understand. Things difficult to forgive. And lots we never forget. I too am guilty. When these things surface it can be very painful. Especially if it's followed by a litany of other things that have managed to somehow be swept under proverbial rugs. Sometimes people don't recover. Sometimes, they don't want to recover. Sometimes, we are afraid of letting go or letting our guard down. Walls go up, stay up and some are built stronger and higher. The impasse is just too great. I can't speak for other people. I can only say that with each passing breath I try to do the right thing, I to rise above and I try to consider all things before jumping to conclusions, before making a choice. I'm fallible but I'm responsible for those decisions. I don't always make the right choices. I don't always make the wrong choices. If I don't choose, I'm giving up that power and have no voice. I'm not just responsible for my life. I have children. I have family. I have friends. I have work. I have principles. It's all relative.
What you and I see is often different. How we may react is often different. Sometimes we give things or situations more power than they deserve and sometimes that gives it too much power over us.
I won't pretend anymore. I just can't, I'm not built that way. I don't want to fake it until I make it. I have to get up and get out, I have to rise and meet life head on. I have to be honest with myself and the people I love. I don't just survive, I thrive. I want to live my life with passion. All of it, good and bad. The challenges are something to strive for, for all difficult things have the seeds of possibility. When faced with crisis, we should look to overcome. I always find my way and I always flourish in the midst of chaos.
Heavy: Of great weight, difficult to lift or move. Of great density; thick or substantial. Striking or falling with force. Mentally oppressive and hard to endure. Important or serious.
I was raised to be self-sufficient, kind, honest, patient, driven, humble and to always give people the benefit of the doubt. To forever follow the lining of the dark cloud until I see the beautiful glimmer of silver. I was taught to face forward towards the sun and look for the rainbows that follow the storms, to always keep shadows at my back. I was taught to be open-minded and forgiving.
I've failed and I've succeeded. I've had moments of pure elation, moments of extreme depression and plenty of accidental and intentional moments of riding the waves of life wherever they carried me.
We are all faced with having to make choices in life. There's always the Heavy and the Hollow. By the 'heavy' I mean the weight of those decisions. The gravity of the situation. Good. Bad. Indifferent. Who's affected. Who's not. Repercussions. Resentments. Judgment. By the 'hollow' I mean important, serious often hard to endure emotionally draining moments/choices. They're my choices. I owe no one an explanation. Of course people are impacted by some of those choices.
I live with my decisions, I face being accountable. It serves no purpose to run from or deny myself. We all have coping mechanisms. I'm not foolish enough to believe everyone agrees with my choices. I am completely aware that people are sometimes hurt by my choices. That's part of living with the heavy, and that's on me. The part of the hollow is, that's life too. Albeit unfair at times, but to tell me I owe someone an apology is smug. I don't prevail upon other people to respond to things or behave as I would, to make the choices I would, to see through my eyes, to understand what may have contributed to the choices I've made. When we set expectations, we are setting ourselves up for failure - not everyone will see through your eyes or know what's going on in your head. Quite often, I feel alone - most people may never understand me. And that's unfair, but hey - that's life. It doesn't really matter in the spectrum of it all anyway. I don't presume to tell people they owe someone an apology or should be apologizing. What I believe and my opinion are just that. I won't feign ignorance here. Most of what we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Most of what we see is perspective, not the truth. It's not easy to know the difference.
The magnitude of the changes taking place in my life sent me down this road to self-improvement. It didn't happen overnight. It wasn't a single solitary situation that set it all off. There was a multitude of things...simply put, many aspects of my life were not headed in the direction they should. Sometimes, that has to do with choices. Sometimes, it has to do with people. Sometimes, they're intertwined and convoluted. Sadly, there are things people won't understand. Things difficult to forgive. And lots we never forget. I too am guilty. When these things surface it can be very painful. Especially if it's followed by a litany of other things that have managed to somehow be swept under proverbial rugs. Sometimes people don't recover. Sometimes, they don't want to recover. Sometimes, we are afraid of letting go or letting our guard down. Walls go up, stay up and some are built stronger and higher. The impasse is just too great. I can't speak for other people. I can only say that with each passing breath I try to do the right thing, I to rise above and I try to consider all things before jumping to conclusions, before making a choice. I'm fallible but I'm responsible for those decisions. I don't always make the right choices. I don't always make the wrong choices. If I don't choose, I'm giving up that power and have no voice. I'm not just responsible for my life. I have children. I have family. I have friends. I have work. I have principles. It's all relative.
What you and I see is often different. How we may react is often different. Sometimes we give things or situations more power than they deserve and sometimes that gives it too much power over us.
I won't pretend anymore. I just can't, I'm not built that way. I don't want to fake it until I make it. I have to get up and get out, I have to rise and meet life head on. I have to be honest with myself and the people I love. I don't just survive, I thrive. I want to live my life with passion. All of it, good and bad. The challenges are something to strive for, for all difficult things have the seeds of possibility. When faced with crisis, we should look to overcome. I always find my way and I always flourish in the midst of chaos.
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