The eyes see

You absolutely do not have to be the man that loves me. But do not ever be so bold to expect that I will share little pieces of myself with you, I don’t shatter anymore for those who don’t mean to actively and intentionally love me. I don’t give away what I know can be treasured by someone. I don’t expect just any man to be able to fulfill that kind of need versus want. To me, he is already extraordinary, and I mean to help him be the King he is. And. Only one man will do. Him. And I will know the moment He smiles, when he sees me. 

Dystopian dreams

I used to think I wanted a crazy love, that I wanted a love that will defy all sanity. But as I have gotten older, I’ve gotten wiser. 

I want peace, I want to feel safe, I want someone genuinely interested in me. I don’t want to be looking over my shoulder or wondering who the man I am in love with is talking to behind my back or when I’m not around. 

I don’t want want crazy anymore. Yes I would love to be THE object of all his desires, yes I want him to be crazy about me and me crazy about him, but in a healthy way. I don’t want my mind to be given the chance to run amuck with anxious thoughts and always worrying if I am all he wants. 

I want someone that KNOWS what the fuck they want. I don’t want to be the girl they go to when they’re caught in the middle of an existential crisis or mid-life crisis. I don’t want the man to come to me broken, to nurse his ego and confidence back so he can leave me and go find his true love or find the confidence to fuck everything pretty in heels. 

I want someone that sees me and wants to stay. I don’t mind broken, I am broken. We all are broken a little. Why is it so fucking hard to find a man that will bring me peace and make me feel safe? I know this can’t be a dystopian dream! 

A man that loves me will find a way to talk to me or see me every day. I wont be too much or too little for him. He won’t be able to sleep knowing I am upset or hurt. He will move mountains to make sure my heart feels his love. 

Maybe I am silly for wanting this or believing it is even possible, but I feel it in my bones. I know I am worth the kind of love I can give. I just need one man to realize it. He’s out there somewhere, waiting for my love. I feel him thinking of me too, wondering where I am. 

Stop telling me I deserve better

Do better 

Rambling on

 Speak softly and carry a big gun

You can’t be my devil anymore 

I can’t be your good deed

Awakened by the silence

Rebirth found in the ruins

When you say you want to feel something, be specific, because pain is something altogether different

I am busy being insane

And unreasonably paranoid

She loved like she lived, dangerously, with a bit of fear and a bit of hope.

Trouble, he was, and she was reckless with want.

Always giving chase 

For moments that stand still

Is it too much to ask to be your poetry

And 

The lust you crave when you wake

A trunk full of bodies and the ghosts that would haunt me

Last night I dreamt you kissed me, softly, passionately, in quiet places that now roar to feel your shameless lust

The narrative in my head and trying to write what I am feeling is too discombobulated

Intoxicated by the kisses from stars that shimmer like beating hearts.

We should stand here and bleed

Into the sky

And forests

Like the ripples in the ocean

Like ancient stories

Yet to be told

It is my river of thought that holds the most dangers for me to drown.

Give me fire and passion, urgency and the rawness of letting go so my soul is suspended in midair.

My demons surrender to my apathy too easily

Bisect into limbs, not parts

In the gardens by light of the moon

The air screamed or maybe it was me

Muscles aching I crawl to him from the tent into the chill evening air, starving like my ribs are breaking

Returning to a sleep of centuries, once my appetite is satiated

Silent revelations by the embers of a flickering campfire

Bedfellows of privilege 

Taste sweeter when earned

There are those, we don’t care what they do or say

We love them anyway

I wish I could bleed the words I feel, words never feel enough

I’ve cut myself a thousand times trying to collect the shattered pieces of my heart.

And still I cannot hate you

She is flesh and blood 

And a fool

He deprives me a sane existence 

His whispers of eating me alive with sinful kisses

I am left to confess my madness

Tracing the lines 

Carving pieces of me away

Like bone, ivory and jade 

Sinuous and undulating

A raw love

Unfettered of societal impositions and intrusion 

Honest, pure, deep

And illuminated by only the stars

To love

Is to lose yourself every day

And find your soul 

Without exception in every moment

Like any starving beast

You must feed your love

For yourself, to yourself 

then

For others

Sometimes I remember everything about you 

And I feel particularly stabby with a lil bit cleaver and hell of a lot of flamethrower

Maybe you were never you

And I was never me

If we can’t visit graveyards together, it’s never going to work

I don’t want to be calm anymore 

I am here to raise hell 

And be swept up furiously by the currents in the Rivers of Hades

Paper hearts stay suspended in the broken in-betweenness

Mutual fascination, mischief and sensuality

Over and over

I delicately wrap the ravaged bleeding beast 

In ribbons and bows

And place the exquisite toy in your hands

That moment just before the first wave of desire consumes you, where you stop breathing and everything else ceases to exist

Take me there

Which one of us wasn’t broken somewhere in between

On feathered wing I soar

From the shadows I reach

Like silence falling I sink

Whispers the wind

I’ll give you the knife to carve away the pain in my heart, and write your name with the love that drips from the blade

Tears of penance tumbling into the wishing well of hope

I wonder if I gave in to this constant need to crack open this cage and tear through the skin and be free to come and go as I please, would I?

And what of hope

I’m still crying over the death of my heart

Shattered illusions

I don’t give in to you, I surrender to you

Windmills and ghosts in my mind

Promises and other hollow creatures

I can cut you into pieces when my heart is, broken

A master of my feelings, words and poetry 

In an alternate universe

My fingers drag slowly 

The way your lips used to

And I sigh your name

Staying too long

Lingering in all the everything 

The mornings after you

Release me again

All these moments 

All these words

Standing on the edge

of my lips

Forgetting to fall

The distraction you want

Is blooming and becoming 

The distraction you need

Exquisite little deaths

Give them all to me

Maybe if I fall in love with my own soul, no one can hurt me anymore.

Darling

And if I find myself thinking of you, I shall be reminded of the gifts you bestowed upon me; the quiet tears that followed the cold silent treatments. No take backs, darling.

Fools

A dime a dozen, those silly men vying for every female’s attention. You’re the same as those thirsty fools, thinking a lady would sit idly by and watch such a vulgar display.

Quickly now, be gone I have no interest in shallow men with premature hearts. Go now, fill your cup with cheap wine and glamour shots. 

I crave a man of substance with tremendous depths, a man that knows one woman is enough. The man that knows his lady will bloom in his hands and she will be a thousand women, just for him. 

Soulless

I could go on being angry, it wasn’t like you didn’t keep giving me enough reasons. 

You think you can unravel me, that I will come undone and you will have bested me. And you think I will fall at your feet and beg to be seen.

But I choose me. And I choose to let you go. Keep your harlots and restless empty nights. Stay there with them to give you the soulless company you crave.

I will sleep knowing I gave all. And now I will give all that love to me. I will give me everything. Everything and Love.

Boo

Pain changes you. You are already being changed by it. And that’s okay. It’s okay to grieve for the girl you remember yesterday or the girl you are today or become tomorrow. No matter who you become, just know I know who you are and how big your heart is, no matter how tough the exterior you have to make it to protect yourself. I am always going to love you. I wish the world could see you through my eyes. I wish they could understand the beauty of your depths. I love you

I fought too hard to just find myself right back where it all began

I  don’t want to fight anymore 

I don’t think there’s anything left in me to keep fighting 

I don’t know what I am fighting for anymore 

I read recently that men don’t process a breakup immediately like women do.

This makes so much sense to me. It explains why some of y’all will pop in months later.

What you don’t realize is that once there is a breakup, months later, women have managed to process living without you. 

We will no longer hold you in the same regard or see you the same way. 

Quit popping in. Make a decision and stand by it. Not all women want to remain friends. 

I keep falling back together 

But

Each time there’s another little piece of my heart missing. Each time.

My depression lingers for too long now.

And

I worry too much about each of them and not anywhere near enough. 

The truest love for someone really is just genuinely being thrilled for all the wonderful things transforming their life. 

The corners of their mouth curling as they try to mute their joy, but obviously incapable of not smiling. Hearing pure joy and excitement in their voice. 

This world has broken us so much we have ingraciated our thinking that we don’t deserve emotional ecstasy. 

How fucking absolutely beautiful it is to be able to see and share in the energy behind the purity of a heart that can’t stop smiling. 

Shards

I gave you my heart, 

you didn’t cherish it. 

You returned it, 

broken and in shards. 

I still cut myself 

trying to comfort myself. 

And still 

I cannot hate you.

In the gardens by light of the moon
He tore at my body with a savage fragility 
Shackling me to him
Beyond the equinoxes of time
And I, pleading for god and death
Awakened over and over again 

Winged beasts

Mercurial from within
A thousand winged beasts 
Piercing beneath my flesh
Transforming the pain
Splitting open the cage
Sipping from freedom
And bathing in blood

Divinity

The nights you read from Keats

Undressed and on my knees

Calling upon divinity 

Swallowing your words rhythmically

I tremble beneath your unrepentant words

Your hand wrapped neatly in my hair

War zone

There’s a constant need baring it’s teeth inside me to rebel against myself 

The mind can be a war zone 

Sometimes my heart feels like it’s a huge rock weighted and anchored in my chest

And I begin to drown 

Read at my funeral

Dont read my eulogy

Without fact checking me first

Without truly loving me

Without making everyone laugh at me

Without knowing I love love

Don’t read my eulogy

Without knowing my many smiles

Without knowing I loved passionately 

Without knowing I practiced kindness 

Without knowing I always had your six

Don’t read my eulogy 

Without knowing my truth

Without knowing I wanted the truth

Without knowing I regret telling lies

Without knowing I was true to myself

Without knowing I put you first

Don’t read my eulogy 

Without telling a good joke

Without bringing out little nicky 

Without bringing out a snort laugh

Without pouring a shot for your homie

Don’t read my eulogy 

If you plan to stay sober at my wake

If I helped you bury a body

If you can’t remember correct details about me and you’ll just embarrass us both 

Don’t read my eulogy 

If you ever tried to hurt anyone I love

If you had a chance to love me and instead crushed my heart

If you had a chance to be a loyal friend but chose betrayal

If you had an agenda and used me

My circle is small for a reason, because the only people allowed to speak about me are the people I know truly love me, that love all the versions of me

PS, I intend to haunt the fuck out of ALL of you scheming, lying-ass, shitty-ass, fake, fucking asshole fuckers. 

You may wanna go ahead and call a good priest, ghostbusters or the joy luck club idgaf, I am tired of waiting on karma 

Peace, love and rock n roll bitchachos 

You can’t say goodbye,

If you never understood hello

I will see you all in the next life

Let’s all pinky promise to do better 

Pockets

Dont let the challenges steal away the magic of such blissful moments in life. Treasure all the moments you can. You fucking cherish them, you put them in your damn pocket and you bring them out every day to reflect on their wonder. 

Illuminate

I made a strand 
of paper hearts 
And set them 
all ablaze
A new ritual 
of sorts
To cast their light 
on somber days
The fire turned 
my life into art
And Illuminated 
better ways

I say I’m strong woman and I don’t Need saving, but the truth is I am tired, I’m exhausted. I am. I’m tired of saving myself and everyone around me and just for once in my fucking life I would like for someone to give a shit enough to want to save me. I want to feel safe.

Alive

I wait to
come alive
in raging 
storms
when 
lightning 
blisters the dark
velvet nights
and songs
of thunder 
course 
through
my veins

Glass

Don’t place me under glass

My wings are broken, not torn

This heart is fragile, not worn

Sometimes

Sometimes 

I feel everything

And it’s 

all just too much

I feel the world

weighing me down

I feel me

collapse

piece 

by piece 

in exhaustion 

My mind, my heart, my soul

I feel dead

I’m just a corpse

with a pulse 

walking around 

pretending 

like I have any idea

of what the hell

is going on

In a daze

pretending 

like I have the 

slightest clue

as to what 

to fix first

I am slipping away

I feel myself falling 

I am losing ground quickly 

I don’t know how 

to ask for help 

It’s different this time

I don’t know where

to start

I am dizzy

I am screaming inside

My chest is tight 

My eyes are damp

I keep licking my lips

I am thirsty 

I don’t know what the fuck to do

The minutes are

like hours

I just want to fall apart 

And I don’t know 

how to hold myself 

together anymore 

I have to get a fucking grip

I have to get away 

from myself

and pull myself 

together 

Wake up 

but be patient 

with yourself 

Love you

Fill your cup first 

Take a good look 

over because that’s 

one hell of a fall

Step away from the ledge 

And just breathe

drink some water

and grab your chapstick 

I have to talk to myself like 

I am a toddler 

trying to eat peas with a fork 

then picking them 

between my fingers instead 

The chaos is fixed

I can think through this

I just need to 

drown out all

the other noise

I digress and this is why I am here

Too many fucking thoughts all at once

I need my devils to either shush for a minute or shout something good

The way I can

I will

Remember who the fuck you ARE!! 

Velvet skies

The moon 
hears all your secrets, 
wishes and dreams 
born of stars, 
she kisses your tears 
hidden
by black velvet skies, 
and embraces
your reticence 
concealed by daylight, 
she is your peace
She shares her light 
on your darkest nights 
and gives breadth 
to hope and all of your 
midnights 

You see
I know what it’s like
to be alone
obscured by daylight 

I have never 
belonged
to this world
I am always
adrift in an 
endless cycle
phasing in and out
always circling the outside 
lost in a sea 

of beauty from a billion stars
greedily stealing the
warmth given by 
the sun

So you must be 
the sun because 
you are brilliant and beautiful 
and your soul burns 
too bright for this world
but it never stops
you from
giving life to everything 
and always being 
a light
for everyone 
even when you are weary,
still you burn 

And here I am 
selfish again
because 
I want to forget 
the world
that keeps us apart
I want to bathe 
and burn
in your light 
And feel our souls
melt into one
when our celestial
and ethereal 
bodies collide 

Rain

Starved for 
the whimpering 
of her rain
she tasted of
storms and
thunder 
in his veins

Colors

Colors of the sky
laced with
kissing clouds
and flowers 
that crack 
open your ribcage

Chalice

This endless ache to trace 
the curves of him 
with my soft velvet tongue 
biting gently with slow kisses
and drinking from his chalice 

So many words

So many words 
aching to fall from my lips
Please suffocate 
and swallow 
them with your kiss

Speaking in tongue

Caress me like
the morning light
that saturates
the panes of 
the window 
and drapes golden
across
my porcelain skin
Run your fingers 
through my hair
and whisper softly 
in kisses
speaking in tongue

The 
whispering 
of 
your 
words
still 
goes
down
on 
my 
soul 

          -glassy-eyedgirl

Unbearable

And of all the 
unbearable silences 
His felt most 
like death 
A withering vine 
that died halfway 
up a castle wall

Goddess

There was 
so much 
Purity,
she was radiant 
and the heavens 
had given
Birth,
to another
Goddess,
Astraea, 
and we
all sing,
Her name.

Murderous

Let it be murderous 
the way we rage 
and ravage
until you undress 
the gentle quiet
and tender 

Graveyards

He will come for her
and she will follow
his lead through
a graveyard of
promises not kept

Tired

I am tired of everyone 
trying to tell me what love is 
or should be
The only unconditional love I have ever known is the love I have for my children 

Bound

I needed to be bound, 
but not by the fragility 
of mere words,
but by the rapture 
in your eyes
and the strength 
of your embrace,
and the bruising of your
fingers gripping me
I wanted to die 
a thousand tiny deaths 
lost in your whispers 
and tasting your moans

Holding 
you there,
in my mouth
swishing you 
in circles 
playfully on
my tongue,
letting the 
taste of you
linger,
swallowing 
slowly,
spilling your 
warmth down
the back of
my throat.
Mmm, whiskey 

How I wish

How I wish
it was the 
crushing weight 
of your body
on top of me,
instead of 
this broken 
Heart

Bored

I’m bored
I’m bored of it all 
I’m bored of people and politics, liars and cheats. 
I’m bored of soulless men and heartless women.
I’m bored of the small talk and feigned friendships.
I’m bored of men with no spine that spin through women to stroke their own egos.
I’m bored of societal norms and 8-5 jobs.
I’m bored of the ignorance and cheeks turned to starving and abused children.
I’m bored of the rise for idiocracy and acceptance and complacence to mediocrity.
I’m bored of the cons and grifters that profit from the poor.
I’m bored of the lack of depth for gratitude toward those who would die to protect us.
I’m bored of the excuses and lack of integrity or character in people to stand by their own moral compasses. 
I’m bored of the inconsistencies and pride that prevent a repeating cycle of recognizing mental anguish.
I’m bored of the bullies and tyrants that employ and instill fear, and the imbalance of justice.
I’m bored of our universal inability to fathom the true depths of loyalty and trust.
Do you hear me? I said, I’m bored.
I’m bored sick, sick of it all. 

Want

I fell for your words 
and was consumed 
by your thoughts.
The way my name 
rolled off your tongue 
left me speechless,
and there was silence 
in between sighs.
Now.
All I hear is your voice
and I ache in want of you.

Each time I sat with my pain
I sat with grief
I wrote from my heart 
and filled pages with meaning 
Today I went to read 
those words to calm my soul
but there was no record of my tears
and all evidence of 
healing was gone

Someone calling you on your bullshit can often feel like an attack, especially if your tendencies toward denial are all part of your behavior

It’s not love, beautiful. 
Adjust to their absence 
quit adjusting to their disrespect 

Small talk

I don’t like small talk
It annoys me 
There is no sincerity in forced conversation 

Understanding

I had to let go

Connection comes from understanding 

And you had no interest in understanding me

Her heart bleeds poetry 
she cannot write
And still nothing
could satisfy his appetite 

Suddenly I realized you were all just carbon copies of the same person.

And I had to put as much distance between us as possible, even if it hurt.

I knew then, that I still needed to heal, so I wouldn’t keep picking from the same roses, expecting them to be tulips.

Unicorn

I cannot be all butterflies and rainbows all the time, I am not a unicorn. I feel sadness, anger and betrayal. I have to be able to free myself of that negativity, so I can find my way back to a smile, this is where I do that. 

I constantly talk about my feelings because I am honest and wear my heart on my sleeve. 

I share, because maybe someone out there feels the same. Maybe, just maybe, We don’t have to feel so alone.

O’s

Obsessed
from
Observing
and
Overwhelmed 
by
Overthinking 
All
The wrong O’s

Intuition

The moment you feel that first push and then that pull away
Save yourself the heartache 
Trust your intuition 

Boundaries

She whimpers in agony as he licks his fingers before he turns the page and continues to read to her, she is flushed as she listens on, his voice shattering all her boundaries

When someone that doesn’t trust easily tells you their problems, they are not complaining, they are trusting you. 

They were the night;
Eyes bright with sin,
lips stained with blood 
And darkness closing in

She haunts him even now
His eyes no longer threaded in awe
The sparkle plucked from the edges
where he sits in dreaded intoxication 
beating his brow
and cursing her name

Dispossessed

I scream but no one hears me.
My silence should be deafening.
Swallowing spoonful of pride 
after spoonful of pride
My tongue twisted and tied 
choking on memories of 
your forgotten promises.
I am dispossessed of you.
Your words are stale and bitter 
your eyes cold, your heart is still.
I draw you near
and you push away. 

Games

I say I don’t like games
Truth is, I do. 
I enjoy all kinds of games. 
Fun games. Brain games. Board games. Card games. Sex games. 

What I don’t like are emotional games.

I don’t have anything to say that would really matter to most of you. So I stay quiet. What’s the point of speaking if everything gets turned around on you. What’s the point of anyone else?

I’m just going to go on living my life 

Suddenly awake briefly from a dream I feel him nestled in my hair breathing warmth along the nape of my neck. Feeling flushed I stretch and arch quietly in sighs pushing into him.  I want him. I need him right now. He stirs and with skin on skin, I feel him rise, moving with me, his hands urgently gripping my soul open.

Compel me no more

Names will not be made private to protect those undeserving. I am going to write that book, under a surname to protect others from the shameful.
I will tell my tales of the men and women that laid bare their flesh in my bed and took from my soul, never to give back, and always wanting to return. 
I will keep my secrets in plain sight and speak openly of wars waged between sheets and beautiful kisses that still painfully ache on the echoes of moans, still dripping ink on pages crumpled like clothes on the floor. Visions that strip me bare. Masterpieces not yet written, and sighs longing to stay. 
Dreams and fantasies mingled with reality haunting an ethereal lucidity. 
Touch me here, bring me to life, gasping for your air.
Compel me no more with mere words or photos; the need, the hunger to taste, to touch, are so alive.

The silence can be so loud sometimes 
It thunders with words and thoughts 
And replays conversations 
and memories of people and places.
It’s a screaming quiet, 
spiraling through another lost moment. 
A different girl then. 
Not better, just less broken. 
The light gets in a little more now.
Still.
I feel safer in the softness of the dark.

Sacred space

She kicks off her chucks 
with painted toes in the grass 
She paces at first and then lets herself become the earth. 
With a pocket full of crystals and
cherry offerings for the ravens.
Wildflowers in her hair and 
her body adorned in metal, 
pearls, and silk.
Perfectly winged eyeliner 
and her favorite chapstick. 
Grounded enough to seek 
peace when chaotic thought 
was too heavy.
This was where she went to escape.
It was a sacred place. 
Solemn.
The grass was close enough 
to the small beach, 
she could wade in the water 
if she wanted, 
there were often dolphins playing 
and swimming nearby.

It was a Memorial park

dedicated to fallen veterans.

She liked it here.

She was often alone,

save for the random passerby,

fisherman or kayaker.

She could forget all the questions

and all the problems for a little while.

She could gather her wits

and feel the flutter of dragonflies. 

She could taste the salty breeze 

that carries the caw of birds.

This was a place of peace. 

It was sacred.

She could shift between worlds

Toes in the grass

toes in the water.

Here, her mind could slow down

and she could focus on the beauty 

of a world she forgets, 

yet somehow always seems 

to find herself. 

What was the magic of this place 

that could change how she began to truly see everything.

It always came together.

All of it.

There were suddenly answers to 

questions she hushed 

upon entrance to this sanctuary.

It was silly to so many 

how she was so at peace 

only when she was near oceans.

The oceans knew her depths 

like the rain knew her tears,

like the storms knew her thoughts.

She was wild here

small but not insignificant.

She let the beauty swallow her whole.

She stopped fidgeting 

she stopped biting her lip

she was beguiled,

seduced even;

lost in the moment 

and swept away in joy.

Everything will be okay