Devil's Advocate

Just when you think you have it all figured out. A friend comes along and shows you a side you never even entertained, now this can be both good and/or bad. (circumstantial, of course) I like being put in check...sometimes, it's a healthy dose of reality and I learn something. This time, yes - but only because only my closest friends know how I feel. I was so sure I knew what was going on. Then a guy friend said...down girl. What you think you know about men and relationships isn't necessarily true. You may be reading the signs (his signs) all wrong. Maybe he's into you and just testing you. Maybe he just needs his space to figure things out. He is still a guy. And if he's been hurt then perhaps he's pacing himself. Then he asked do I really want to be serious anyway?? And if I did, haven't I always preached at how important it is to be friends first and let things take their own course? WOW!! It's all so true! Here I am so sure of what I think I know, when in reality I'm just inserting my own thoughts. So dangerous! So it helped to have a guy play devil's advocaste. It certainly helped me to see a different perspective, one I had not considered. (because my mind always races to the most contemptious of conclusons first - yes a recurring scar from the past) And haven't I already said how unfair it is to impress upon someone new all the pain and regret of old?? So glad I didn't decide to "air" this one out just yet. I would've looked real stupid. I will eventually have that talk - but it needs to be when I'm ready to consider the possibility of this progressing into something more. Friends is good right now. Friends is good.

Paths

SO you come to a point where you realize you can't go on respecting yourself and loving yourself being in a "casual" relationship. If you know what you're worth and you know what you want. Some of us just aren't built for casual relationships. Sometimes we believe intimacy is more than just sex. Spending time together and sharing things about your life - that's intimacy. It's the first steps in building a relationship. When you find someone that you really like and as you learn more about them you can't help but feel that there could be something more. Why else would they be sharing those things with you if they weren't seeking the same thing? Of course the moment you start to feel any sense of closeness in a brand new relationship - and you're not ready, you pull away. Are any of us content with being the right now...while the one we're with is waiting for something better to come along. Maybe we weren't the "right" one..which hurts. Wouldn't it be better to sit down and air it out...so you can figure out whether or not you want to invest any more time and effort? Better now than a whole lot more hurt later. Then again - who knows?!!

Compromise

It's a funny thing. Somehow I keep thinking I'll come out of this unscathed. Truth is none of us do. There's is always some degree of pain and regret, whether we choose to admit it or not. And we can never really have everything we want. So must of us settle. SO I kept thinking am I being selfish by wanting more? Am I being unrealistic in thinking that I should hold out for some semblance of what I feel I deserve? I mean, look at what we have to choose from...it's a sad world. People are bruised and broken and carrying around decades of baggage. Everyone is searching for somebody to accept them and all that they are, does anyone ever accept everything that you are? Will we always be searching for that unconditional love? There will always be conditions of one sort or another...because in that equation of two - one will always be you and you know that you will have your own conditions, your own ideas. And that should be okay - because well, we are all individuals. Sometimes, agreeing to disagree can be difficult to wrap your arms around. SO I ask you what do you want? And what are you willing to compromise for what you want? Or would you rather just settle? ...me? Nah! I'm part of this sad world, I'm broken, bruised and carrying baggage - but you know what I've always settled. And I don't want to anymore, I know I deserve more. You are out there, you always have been...and someday we will meet and you will love me just as desperately as I will love you. Oh, I'll compromise I just won't compromise myself ANYMORE!!!

Everything

Just for one moment, think about all that you have to offer. Then think about what you are worth and how you value and love yourself. Are you being treated the way you deserve to be? Whether it's someone you're just casually seeing, a boyfriend or girlfriend, a fiancee, a companion, a lover, your spouse. And in return are you being fair and showing them what you know they're worth? Are you letting them know exactly how much they mean to you? Should you be holding back? We've all been hurt at one time or another. But shouldn't we give the one we're with a real chance? Don't you both deserve that? If all is forgiven - then shouldn't the past be behind you? At what point do you recognize that you are ready to become that vulnerable to someone? If you don't give it everything you have and everything that you are - what are you really giving? Passion knows no boundaries. Love doesn't hurt. And the new interest isn't the same person as the last. You've got to just let it flow. What have you got to lose? Everything. What have you got to gain? Everything. All is fair in love and war. True or False?

Picking your Battles

They say you should pick and choose your battles. It's true. Picking the wrong battle can very easily turn a situation upside down. And I am without a doubt once again...upside down. I just don't get it. And this is one battle/situation I'm better off not reading into, so I'm not going to think about it. Instead I am going to let it take it's own course. in due time it will reveal itself. I've said my peace. No white flags here...just got to go back and come up with a new strategy.

So...yeah, I'm definitely not sure what direction this is going, but it is going. Which is a good thing. I'm not thrilled nor comfortable at how little control I have, but then, he too lacks control - although he has been doing this dating thing much longer. I have no problem with admitting I like him more than I wanted. Though difficult to read, I do question how far he wants to take things... I did say to him that I wasn't seeing anyone else while I was seeing him. But if he is seeing other girls then well why shouldn't I also date other guys? They are asking, some quite persistently. Am I crazy or is it evident that his admission to dating means he has no real attachment to me? I wonder though, am I being fair to myself by agreeing to this? In truth, I've only ever been in relationships. Something that started simple but always became something greater -- only of course to fizzle and fail...so maybe I give it a try his way. Maybe I am less likely to get hurt. Perhaps it will yield better choices and results to ultimately someday find something truly meaningful.

Why then can I not embrace this? I guess a big part of me realizes he has been deeply hurt by someone he loved and trusted. So how can I say this without judging prematurely when in fact I have no right? Part of me lives and breathes by psychoanalyzing everything. And I so hope I am wrong. But I can't help but think that he is a player because he feels there isn't a woman out there he can trust or inpart faith. (outside of his family and friends) I know he is a good man. He has so many admirable qualities. Underneath his tough facade and behind that soaring wall he has built - he just wants someone to accept him as he is, someone that will love and cherish him and all that he finds important and someone that will be loyal. Yes, at times he is a little cocky and eagerly craves attention from all females (hopeless flirt - but who am I to talk?) His eyes wander in all directions when a lovely female may breeze by. Is he sincerely searching? Or is he just wanting an opportunity to lay down with as many as females he can? I sense insecurity and yet he can be so cool and confident that his charisma and charm draw everyone to him. Errr - now you see wherein lies some of the confusion.

Crickets

Games, games. Do I have to play along? I prefer to wear the truth on my sleeve. And if you don't like it - so be it. I just get slightly annoyed with all the games. It's so dramatic one moment, so attentive and then POOF it's like the only thing you hear is crickets. I just don't get it and I'm not going to do all the chasing. I enjoy the chase as much as the next person. Be careful...I'll get bored. And I know what I'm worth.

Smoke and Mirrors

SO here's a mystery that needs a bit of sorting. A friend is seeing this guy. Give or take a year. One moment he can be doting and attentive and the next day he is MIA. Doesnt return texts or calls, claims his phone was off or dead or he left it in the car. Mind you - this guy doesn't go anywhere without his phone. What separates this is the exclusivity of the relationship. While it's not well known to everyone they are seeing each other - it is a spoken exclusivity between the two of them. Now this is one of the most complicated relationships I know about. And I'm only one of a few select people that does know about this relationship. A lot of secrets. What bothers me - is I know my friend really cares about this guy. And NO I don't think he is on the level. He uses a lot of smoke and mirrors when asked simple questions. What? She is willing to open herself up to the possibly painful answer...bracing herself for the worst. It's always one end of the spectrum or the other in terms of attention from this guy. There are a lot of unanswered questions. His daughter, her mother. My friend is at a pivotal moment in the relationship where she is torn by love and the need to protect herself. She has lost trust and respect and faith. And still she can't help loving him.

All about the girlss!

We owned the night last - last night belonged to the girls! So much fun! Friends I haven't seen in years. Dancing. Laughter. Drinks. Shots. Silliness. Boys. Dancing. Great friends. Good times. Not about the boys, no last night was about girlfriends. A welcome vacation from the dating life.

Clueless

I find myself clueless to this insane new dance called dating? I have to catch myself and try not to psychoanalyze it. I'd like to be able to say what comes to mind just as fluidly as I think it. Thats now allowed. There are too many unseen and unspoken boundaries. When you do this dating ritual does anybody take the lead? Used to be the guy did all the leading. Now they are so unsure of "the right move" or too busy just scoping the place for the next opportunity? Somebody take the damn lead already. Don't get me wrong. He's confident and it appears he knows what he wants, and seemingly unwilling to accept no for an answer. Its just confusing trying to figure out the gray areas and keep myself protected. It just seems silly albeit exciting and oh so interesting at the same time. What's a girl to do?

Timing

They say it's all about timing. Is it? Here I am, faced with a "relationship" dilemma. I'm finally free and at this point in my life I don't want a boyfriend. Mentally, I'm just not ready. Sometimes... what you want and what you think you want aren't always the same. So, I'm seeing this guy. He's great, funny, good-looking, responsible, great father, charming...but - he's a player. We have fun. He makes me laugh. I think he likes me. But he has this thing about him. I can't put my finger on it. I try to get past it, around it, try to figure it out, but he is skilled in making himself difficult to read. Underneath it all, I think he's was burned pretty badly. And isn't that how most of us end up guarded and tainted? Forever changing our perception of the opposite sex. Everyone has a story to tell. Betrayal. Abuse. Deceit. But then I look around and I see people that have that once in a lifetime relationship. It makes me sad, to wonder if I will ever feel that way again. And it gives me hope. I don't want to put unnecessary expectations on someone - because I'm confused. Maybe this will go somewhere...maybe it won't. Maybe it's just friends with benefits. Status quot is okay. Isn't it?