For what it’s worth!

I don’t want a man to look at me unless I really want that man to look at me. Men are always looking at anything, at everything, and they don’t seem to be very discerning at all. If she’s naked or half naked or too young for them, or a billion images of projected ideas of what society thinks women should look like and how sexy she should be, and I just shun the embodiment of it all. I don’t want to feel like I’m one of the masses. 

I hate feeling like I am just candy for the eyes and how fleeting it is because half a second later there’s some other girl or woman to ogle and undress in their mind. So I have closed myself off to unwanted attention. I don’t dress the same. I wear a lot of black and not sexy gothic outfits either, just t-shirts and jeans with chucks. I haven’t worn a dress or heels in months. I just feel so fucking gross when a man stares at me now. I throw on yoga pants for comfort or chores or a brisk walk and cringe when I feel eyes on me. I run errands with no makeup and my hair a mess. Maybe it will stop the leering, it doesn’t. I know I can’t be pretty in this moment, I know I’m not hot, stop looking at me. 

What’s weird is I know It’s Not because I don’t feel sexy or pretty, but because it feels like men don’t genuinely appreciate beauty anymore. What difference does it make if I don’t want to get all dressed up or if I like wearing makeup? I still feel good, at least I do until I feel their eyes on me and then suddenly I am fighting an urge to gag because I know I’m not really seen. I love dressing up and being a fashionista, I love accessorizing and dressing to the 9’s but now that’s all ruined. It’s like all this unwanted attention or commentary that I should smile more or dress sexier have created this aversion for me to enjoy the adornment of one of my favorite things. So I just don’t and it’s feels better being invisible and unseen, for a moment. 

The attention has become so disenchanting and disingenuous that I try to make myself ugly. I don’t know when this started happening, I was always overdressing for every occasion and now I just want to blend in to the wall and be unseen. And I clock in to everything. I see men with gorgeous wives and girlfriends (women that are fucking iconic beautiful) and these troglodytes still stare too long at other women, even at me and I just cringe. I am not a man hater, I am Not a feminist. I don’t believe we are created equal, I fully embrace what it means to be a woman and I recognize that as a woman my body is built for the pleasure of a man. 

So what is going on, why am I so loathe-some to the idea of a man’s eyes appreciating my female form? Is it the shift in the world that there’s so much to see that it’s just not beautiful anymore? I still want to be seen, just not seen by every man. It just feels gross and I am rejecting myself and my beauty and sabotaging my body so they will stop looking at me. It’s not even like they look because I’m beautiful. You know the difference when someone looks, and it just feels like they want to fuck me and use me and I am starting to realize that I hate being pretty. I’m not even that pretty! Top it off with I can see all too clearly how many women take advantage of all these men and their ignorance and lack of self control and they disrespect other women by seeking the attention of a taken man. I feel myself distancing from these “beautiful women” because I can’t tolerate them using men and turning them into these hollow meat puppets of testosterone that do nothing but leer and lose their minds and make off handed commentary to the guy next to them. That look they give each other when they see a hot girl. Yuck. 

It’s such a downward spiral that I am turned off by beauty and they all just seem so ugly now. All of them, men and women. This creeping anxiety of watching a world so void of real respect, just vacuous and pathetic and desperate. The veil is off, the mask removed and no one is appealing. I see past the skin and see into their eyes, into their souls, into their hearts and see everything I wish I couldn’t. 

This isn’t bitterness or anger, it isn’t jealousy or fear, or growing old; it’s just an unveiling of the truth of who they are past the pretty visage. I don’t want to see them, I don’t want to feel the lack of depth behind their eyes or the shallow pool of what’s left once they’re stripped of the aesthetics. Is this projection or a revelation? I can’t unsee it. Do I still see beauty, yes - but I don’t really think I want to, I don’t want to see the onslaught of beautiful  gorgeous people lacking any real substance with no soul underneath; I hate this. I hate what I’m feeling. I’m so selfish for this and I’m so over it, but also fully aware of everything now and it’s turning me into a monster. 

I can’t disassociate fast enough. I don’t want to be awake. 

I need to add that I used to enjoy being looked at, but not just as an object and I really miss that. For what it’s worth!