For years people have asked me what it is. I want for my birthday. I honestly never know what to say. And I always feel incredibly awkward. It’s not that I don’t want things I really don’t need, I just don’t want to ask anymore for anything. 

I have been thinking about this more this year than any other, and likely because no one’s asked me what I want this year. And that’s not disappointment you hear, it’s just the facts. In fact it’s a good thing. I haven’t had to stumble thinking of answers or feel uncomfortable. 

I honestly don’t really want anything from anyone other than their time or warm wishes. That’s probably weird. My birthday is kind of a big deal to me but I don’t like for anyone to fuss over me at the same time. I just like to be remembered. That sweet not knowing what to say kind energy truly is enough of a gift for me. 

Back to my original thought on what I would like for my birthday (not that anyone is asking - and this is what makes me, me) what I want no other person could grant me. I say this in the spirit of asking myself what do I want! 

Of course I wish I could see all of the people I love but good god that would also be a lot and as I’ve matured (cough cough) I am no longer equipped to handle that kind of attention, it gives me anxiety. 

That’s not directed at the people I love. That’s a direct reflection of my mental state and crushing anxiety for feeling I have to be anyone other than myself, and quite honestly most people have an idea in their head of how they believe you may respond to their wishes, gifts or time.

I’m not diminishing my love, their love or kindness or who or what they are to me, but I have to take people in small doses now. It may seem unnatural that I enjoy my company more (however I choose to spend it) and despite how deluded that notion is to anyone that isn’t me. I cherish the time I have with the company I get to keep. Some moments are better than others and I don’t easily acquiesce to projections. In other words much like people have their ‘fill’ of me or my time, they disengage. I am no different than anyone else in that regard and I don’t need validation from anyone else to know I like my time alone. Although sometimes I glow when I’m with the people I love, it’s just that some people make you feel loved without ever having to ask to be, and that’s one of the most incredible feelings. Even when you don’t see eye to eye on everything. This does more for my heart than anything else, and some of them don’t even know they do this for me. I keep hoping they will just read this one day and smile. 

I digress. I still haven’t gotten to what I want for my birthday yet, literally no one is asking, but I have to have all side conversations in my head first. Since most people think I can be too much sometimes I don’t get to share like I would like. Yes that part stung a little but I also get it. Weird. Anyway. I’m getting there. This feels more like I’m talking to myself anyway. So while I may be churning and kicking out a hundred thoughts a minute I don’t have to worry about oversharing. Who, if anyone, that may read this - well you know by now that you read at your own risk and peril. I know I sideline and sidetrack but trust me it’s all relative. Besides I know what I want for my birthday.

Maybe much of it is processing, whilst talking it out with myself(s). I want a lot of things, I want another tattoo, to take myself kayaking, and go to my favorite park and walk barefoot in the grass and on the beach; things I can give myself. I want something no one else but magic could give me. 

As I sashay across my living room and dining room tile floor (listening to Duran Duran, “Come Undone” with socks on, so I can slide fluidly), I celebrate me. I have a lot to be thankful for and I learned a lot of lessons in my 51st spin on this merry go round. It’s my new year, so now is when I take a gummy and drink a few whiskeys, because I am on the premise of saying I lived another year what’s next? 

A little Missy Elliot to shake my hips and put my thang down flip it and reverse it. Barum pum pum, parrrum pum oum give you sum sum this cinnamon bun🎶 I am dating myself, romancing myself dancing with myself and my fucking god it feels good to be able to celebrate the anniversary of some doctor slapping me awake and making me scream and cry so I could begin for this fuckery. 

I got a headache and it’s not a tumor. 🎶 I got my first tattoo this year, my granddaughter’s name on my forearm. I love it! And I know what tattoo I want for my birthday. Hollar🎶🎶 (yes still Missy Elliot) whoooo’s that bitch?🎶🎶

Hush ya mouth 🎶🎶Get yer freak on🎶

Ernest Hemingway and Charles Bukowski both said they wrote from the heart while imbibing, so I am doing this raw.  I’m taking a stab at it. I often wonder what did they do as they sat with themselves and poured out so magnificently. That’s brilliance you just can’t touch no matter how much you reach out and try to grab it. Also I would never compare the excrement I write; comparing the eyes of tragedy with gods among men, fuck no! The way dead men seduce me is something altogether extraordinary. 

You let me violate you 🎶 You let me desecrate you 🎶 still dancing with myself. I know I know I haven’t said what I want and this isn’t sounding like the beginning of a love story. 

I mean it is, but I’m not worried about anyone that doesn’t get it. 

I think I used to have a voice 🎶 everyday is exactly the same 🎶 

Sirens in the distance, it’s an ambulance; I recognize the difference now. In my youth, I didn’t know which was which. 

There is no you there is only me, there is no fucking you, there is only me.🎶

I wear it like a tattoo 🎶 diamond life loverboy🎶sentiment is left to chance 🎶 love for sale 🎶

For one day, just one - I would love to be everything I am capable of being in one day, this alternate universe anti super hero but low key villain that rights everything in my life, just for one day. Be this girl that everyone thinks I should be or possibly even am. 

Maybe it will give me direction or enlightenment or whatever you kids are calling it these days. Maybe I will live this vision and want to just be the girl smiling back at herself in the mirror. Can you see me? *chuckles* yeah that’s one version. I’m a million different people in every alternate universe, just not sure what I am in this one. Anyway happy fucking birthday to me. May all my wishes come true. 

Keep bringing out the best in me.