..clearly

....clearly, I want way too much. 

I need my Dad today, I need that unfailing, unconditional, unquestionable love.  I need the comfort of my father's words, wisdom and embrace.
 

It's time....

Its time....  I must purge, I have to heal me of all these things, of all these secrets, of all this tragedy and sadness, from all this pain and worry and woe, I must set free my strained heart, it's all become to heavy to keep lifting so many to be awash in the love of my moon.  I need to breathe before everything caves in on me.    ... there are times when I grow so tired and I just don't care to want to be strong anymore. 

Checking in on everyone and listening and being their cheerleader and that shoulder has been leaned on too much now and this has struck me hard.  I look within myself, searching for my reserve of inner strength and will, to carry on smiling, its been looted, the treasure gone.  I find nothing there and as things fall apart around me, I fight with myself to admit I cant keep trying to carry all this weight.  Its that nightmare I've had since I was 2, where I'm standing in the dark holding a needle and trying to keep the world from crushing me, armed only with a tiny needle, balancing a world that isn't mine.  I'm screaming inside and I have nowhere to turn. 

I do this, I give so much of me away, I forget I need me too.  Something happens, I feel myself begin to fold and withdraw from everything and everyone.  I feel how lonely I truly am, where 10 minutes prior I was happy.  I am weary and exhausted and tears crash and fall like whitewater rapids and I swallow and blink my eyes, praying I don't drown in it, that I don't free-fall spiraling out of control, down, down, down.  I must fight for my life, with everything I have to not be consumed by those demons that too often come to play.  I am strong, but I feel myself beginning to break.  And now I have to fight, I have to fight hard just for me, just to keep standing, to not let my knees buckle from the pressure, to not fall to the floor curling into a ball and weeping so hard my heart breaks and bleeds.  I don't want to do this anymore. 

I always miss my Nani, but today, I wish she were here holding my hand. 

"I need some distraction or a beautiful release, memories seep from my veins, let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight."  Sarah McLachlan 'Angel"
 

Johnny Cash - Hurt

https://youtu.be/8AHCfZTRGiI?si=rf0UxG1c0Mlg62qh

Don't forget me

Sparkling, her eyes plead with you,
Do not follow in the footsteps of fools,
Mighty were those that fell long before you,
See the delicate things that are only she,
Wishing wells and regrets are empty and hollow and heavy
Close your eyes, to touch who she truly is
She implores you to feel her ache, her want
Her passion is not for the faint
She is a mermaid, whimsical and magic
She gives breadth to depths unimagined
When were you stirred by fever
For how long did you forget to breathe
When did her words trip you
Did you feel the magnetic pull of your soul
Like the amber glow of saturated sunrises she draws you home 
Does her laugh carry butterfly wings on salty breezes
Has it seared the edges of your mind
Have you trembled in her eyes a thousand times
Have you kissed the corners of her mouth
Do you yearn to let your tongue dance in daydreams with hers
Remember she is not just what you see,
She is so much more than any mere beauty.

And when the beauty of a delicate flower does fade
Please
Don't forget me

I don't remember where I start or where I end. 

I do know - there's no getting out alive.  That being said, fuck it, here's my bucket list that I shall constantly update, which likely impresses none of you and I don't care, because it's for me and I write what I want to write - even if it's not really writing at all.

1 - get in a cage, and watch the great white sharks swim. (I would love to touch one of these majestic predators of the sea)
2 - I want to go soaring through a glorious sky either sunrise, preferably sunset - so long as the skies are colorful in an air balloon or hang glider.
3 - see Ireland and visit castles, drink in the pubs, see my ancestry, history and culture.
4 - go to Italy, and eat all the delicious foods and pastas, see my ancestry, history and culture, and visit as many vineyards as possible.
5 - go to France and eat all the delicious foods and pastries, see my ancestry, history and culture and visit as many vineyards as possible.
6 - climb the steps of Machu Picchu and see how a complete civilization once lived that is now entirely gone.
7 - white water rafting. anywhere - preferably Grand Canyon, but anywhere in Colorado would work.
8 - Yellowstone Park, see it's grandeur and camp and hike trails... the geysers...
9 - go to Carnival in Brazil... see a sliver of the Amazon forest before it's all gone
10 - visit the pyramids of Egypt. see my ancestry and history and culture
11 - travel by train... preferably to the Orient, but really I'd do this anywhere
12 - see the Galapagos. all of it. swim, snorkel, scuba
13 - visit the great libraries of Europe. all of them.
14 - see the cathedral built of bones. (there are 6 of them)
15 - visit New York, really see all of it, not just NYC. but Woodstock and the mountains and Catskills (smoke a cigarette with my friend and have a cup of coffee)
16 - do some whale watching
17 - memorize the periodic table of elements (again) just because.
18 - drive the PCH, the whole way and visit as many vineyards and beaches as possible
19 - vacation in a Lloyd Wright house for a week.  anywhere. preferably a glass house.
20 - real ziplining somewhere... (preferably not over gators or crocs)
21 - sky dive
22 - buy all my favorite records and listen to all of them on vinyl...
23 - help build a house for someone less fortunate than me.
24 - visit Count Vlad's castle. Castle Bran in Romania.
25 - try chocolate covered grasshoppers or some strange and weird food like that.
26 - go on a safari in Africa.
27 - go snow skiing in Colorado, visit every single one of the springs there. 
28 -
29 -

 

A muse

Most people consider being a muse, one of the most compelling and true compliments.  It is!  Imagine that someone thinks so much of you, that you inspire poetry or art or a story, even fashion.  I have been and am a muse to more than one person.  I am honored that I could be such a source of inspiration.  I can't begin to explain how incredible it makes me feel that I touched someone's psyche and creativity so much that it has inspired poetry, art, and even a book. 

Some of the most incredible pieces of art in history were inspired by a muse.  Some of the greatest poetry written and some of the greatest books... also inspired by A muse.  (Klimt, Whitman, Hemingway, Picasso, Goethe, Van Gogh, Poe, Byron, Anais Nin, Dickens, Lagerfeld, Chanel)  Some of the biggest fashion trends were a result of A muse.  The key word I keep using was 'A' muse, and it's easy to overlook because it's also the first letter in the alphabet.  An artist becomes consumed with passion when they become inspired.  Historically, none of these great artists ever had more than one muse at the same time, they may have had more than one in succession, but again, not ever at the same time.

** "The muse in her purest aspect is the feminine part of the male artist, with which he must have intercourse if he is to bring into being a new work. She is the anima to his animus, the yin to his yang, except that, in a reversal of gender roles, she penetrates or inspires him and he gestates and brings forth, from the womb of the mind."

The idea of a muse is to penetrate the mind.  That is how inspiration is born.  It is impossible to have more than one muse at a time.  In fact, some artist will only ever have one muse - and it will be the foundation of all their inspiration for all of their work(even if they have multiple models sit for paintings).  It can be the source of all creativity and an act of the divine in itself. The muse must first be separate of the creative drive in order to inspire.  It gives meaning, invention, exposition and draws from intensity.  Having more than one muse, usually means the artist's work has changed, the message is different, new material and new communication.  Any true artist that finds themselves inspired by a muse will tell you that even genius is unable to focus on more than one muse at the same time. 

Don't call me a muse, if you're telling a few girls they are also a muse and spewing poetry at every girl.  I know more than I let on and I know less than I want to -

*The Role of the Artist's Muse - Germaine Greer

out of rebellion

Maybe I need to remember that my nature is to set fires just to watch things burn, just because I can.  Maybe that will help me pull back.  Probably not.  It's not easy to own that gut feeling when you feel someone no longer wants or needs you.  When you've put everything into something and are at the immovable moment when your feels are off the charts and they don't know where the chart is.  That's when you know it's over. 

When they don't long to hear your voice, or crave to see your face, and feel your warmth, just own the no. 

Lessons are there for us and keep smacking us upside the head, until we learn them.  I love to make the same ones 8,123,432,974 times before I learn anything and grow from it.  So if I whine about something, just know I'm the asshole cause, probably.  Stubbornness and obstinacy are close personal friends.  So for as much as I say never again, I'm a love junky and a hopeful romantic, so I continue to throw myself into the fires I like to set.  Yes, I have a touch of pyromania, I am the fire and I'm also the rain.  I want to burn.  Oh yes, for the things I love and want, I will burn. 

Try not to make sense of me, I'm not claiming to be anything special, but I'm promise I'm not like anybody else you know.  I'm just letting you know I wont do what's expected, sometimes out of rebellion for no one but myself and sometimes I just don't want to.  If you think you've figured me out and try to get in my head, I'll fuck you up right and wrong.  Because I can.  I go where my heart pulls me, rarely listening to the rants in my mind.  It pulls into too many different directions at once, or maybe that's where I go.  Sometimes somewhere between the two, and across both and on the outside looking in. 

"We think caged birds sing, when indeed they cry." John Webster

"A song of the heart can never be caged."

and how lovely she is, flaunting her colors, daring her captors to cage her, ready to fly on a whim, even on broken wing



 

haunting shades of blue

I don't want to feel at this depth anymore.  I'm exhausted with feeling so intensely and unimaginable for anyone else.  Why must pain always love to draw me in, when I only want be loved.  This heart of mine beats too furiously for anyone to hold my hand and love.  I stand like a child in a lightning storm, and drown screaming in the rain, because its quiet there.  And still I hear my heart rage with thunder.  I wish I could pretend to not care.  I wish the lies could flow from me like music flows from you.  My dreams are too vivid and the shadows of black and white rip through my mind and tear at my flesh, until I feel you in my ribcage, coursing and gnawing through me.  Where has my favorite color gone, why do I no longer bleed in beautiful reds and burnt orange?  No, why must I instead feel the sharp cold shades of blue, like knives, the always haunting shades of blue.  Let me wisp away in embers of fire or ambers and gold.  Your haunting shades of blue are weighing too heavily for me, you're crushing my soul.

 

Gangsta

https://youtu.be/LAYgZEMMWxo

I need a gangsta
To love me better
Than all the others do
Gangsta 

I need a gangsta
To love me better
Than all the others do
To always forgive me
Ride or die with me
That's just what gangsters do

I'm fucked up, I'm black and blue
I'm built for it, all the abuse
I got secrets, that nobody, nobody knows
I'm good on, that pussy shit
I don't want, what I can get
I want someone, with secrets
That nobody, nobody, nobody knows

I need a gangsta
To love me better
Than all the others do
To always forgive me
Ride or die with me
That's just what gangsters do

My freakness is on the loose
And running, all over you
Please take me to places, that nobody, nobody knows
You got me hooked up on the feeling
You got me hanging from the ceiling
Got me up so high I'm barely breathing
So don't let me, don't let me, don’t let me, don't let me go

I need a gangsta
To love me better
Than all the others do
To always forgive me
Ride or die with me
That's just what gangsters do

I would rather be destroyed by honesty, than to live foolishly in your lies...

Build. Destroy. Rebuild. I've mastered the art of bouncing back.  Now to master the art of not having to...




"Truth is, I never needed drugs, everything I love destroys me enough."

 "Loving you was the most exquisite form of self-destruction."

"You cannot destroy me.  I destroy me. "

shelter me

I need shelter from the storm.  Normally, I'm the little girl you find dancing in the rain, spinning, laughing with eyes closed and in love with the storm.  I become the storm.  I hurt, my heart breaks and I must find shelter.  I am exhausted.  Love eludes me. 

It takes only one mistake, that's all it takes, for people to move on, no one cares to truly try and second chances are a thing of the past.  Anything worth having is worth fighting for and if you want something great you have to fight for it.  Measure your words before you speak them.  Never over-promise.  I'm the wrong girl, to tell me what I want to hear.  I will believe what you tell me.  I will think it's truth.

"The measure of a man, is what he does with power."  Plato

"I don't trust words, I trust actions."  When will I learn? 

fades into obscurity

I have to crank my music louder, so I don't hear my overthinking.  It's painful today.  I feel like a cat that runs from one room to the other, for no apparent reason...unsure of every single thought, every single word swimming in my head.  Wishing and wanting for something I'm probably not going to have.

Trying to keep hope at bay, is exhausting - never mind staying out of my own head.  It seems I've only felt the awful sting of hope lately, and finally someone promising, comes into my life...  but I know me, I'll rush in, heart first and head last, only to be destroyed when they leave.

Stay optimistic or stay realistic?

*reflects back* wondering how it is I can share such truth and intimacy with someone, to quickly become somebody, they're just too busy to talk to now.  I always seem to fade into obscurity.  ....for days, weeks, and months they hang on my every word, never seeming to get enough, and then.... poof!

Why have I allowed myself to come here again?  To travel this road?  Why won't I just let it go?  I know it's exactly what I need to do, yet here I am clinging to silly notions, and silly dreams...

*whispering and chanting to myself, trying to keep rhythm with the music .... just let it go, girl

conversations in a mirror

"I wonder what it feels like to be appreciated and adored for all the other gifts I have to offer." She said. "I miss subtlety, chivalry and manners.  I miss the art of real romance and the simplicity of how it feels when a man just wants to hold my hand and brush my hair out of my face.  Wouldn't it be crazy if for just once, someone truly just wanted to know me, to crave my thoughts and opinions and hang on my words, to always want to make me smile and laugh, and later grin thinking of just how I couldn't stop giggling.  What I wouldn't give to be truly seen, for someone to understand and know my silence or how often I fidget when I feel awkward.  To know I was the only one he thought about, even if he was miles away.  I don't want to just be the flower that blossoms between my thighs, I want it all.  What I wouldn't give to know how incredible it would feel, I imagine it would be the greatest high, to feel so loved, so respected, so safe."   
- conversations in a mirror

 

miles and miles to go

There is so much prestidigitation, all the smoke and mirrors might actually draw blood, there's so much moral turpitude.  I had a hard time reconciling my own written words, so I've written and rewritten this a dozen times...

My life is stranger than fiction and this might be one of the strangest and still one of the most exciting things that ever happened to me.  There was this time, when I was incredibly naïve and I started talking online with a well-known writer.  He wanted to start a record company and I was going to be his PR rep, and since I have an affinity for music, we set out to find the right 'one' to set it off and be the first on our label and on vinyl.  We searched and searched, frantically even, for the perfect talent - someone with the right look and sound (he was very selective) my how we scoured the internet, only to be disappointed around every corner.  Then, he found someone to do the artwork for the label, set up the site and we came close to finding the talent.  We must've pillaged every social media outlet we could, but we just couldn't give it wings, all the while he was working on his movie.  Ultimately he abandoned the label and then me.

He was beautiful and all of his friends were beautiful.  He was funny and brilliant and a little odd in ways difficult to explain, but intriguing nonetheless.  He was a writer with a degree in psychology, a former model, and had owned a magazine company in his 20's, an avid collector of all things vinyl.  Then one day he digitally started to fade away. And while he made me realize some things about myself, when I was done playing a part in his story, we both seemed to settle back into our lives.  He was onto better things, like making a movie and I was surely off to dazzle the world and fall in love.  He used to tease me about it but he also use to tell me how he loved me.  His movie comes out next year.  I am looking forward to it, even if we don't talk anymore, and he treats me like a stranger too busy to nod in my direction, I will always remember those few months.  Still, I know a lot about him, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt he was real and I know a lot of things that perhaps bother him enough to leave me behind.  We will leave it at that.  I do miss our late, late night laughing and talks, his stories will stay with me forever and some of the tender moments we shared will be some of my fondest memories, but mostly I miss his laugh. 

When I think of him now, I smile.  I'd love to share some of the truly amazing and even gritty stories, and the ones that seemed almost magical, but my favorites will always be the strange ones - things you just can't make up.  Better than any fiction, I've ever read.  I'm saving those for a book under a surname, I think it would be best to protect most of the characters in those stories...

I fall in love every day - every single day, with countless people for countless reasons.  I'm not in a rush to be in love - let alone date, so, I'm okay with being in love with life right now.  Seems, my journey isn't over yet.  I've miles and miles to go and many more pages to write.

I still believe my love will find its way to me and I to it.  I've met some pretty awesome and amazing people.  I could complain that people weren't who they said they were, but truth be told, it's just more words to fill more pages and truth be told I have some pretty amazing stories to tell.

Some day I'll get to sharing those.  Just have to shrug off this writer's block and finish a few chapters before I can move forward...
 

there it goes...

I miss my baby, my munchkin.  I know he's enjoying his summer with his big brother and that makes me smile. Too much time to think, being alone, without him. 

 

Honestly. I keep thinking of just so many people I talk to or talked to and the idea that I might find something worthwhile.  It's really hard to come to terms with saying that, as I always fare on being positive. About everything.  I loathe the whiners and complainers and I detest all pity parties. (especially my own) I don't just believe in being positive, I believe in finding the positive in even the worst circumstances, but this is not for everyone and it certainly isn't for me...anymore. I put everything I have into people, I give everything I am, sometimes too much and yes, it can be overwhelming, but I love hard.  I'm so exhausted and so frustrated.  Hope is so fucking dangerous, it's just so fucking dangerous!  I want so badly to believe in people, that I actually believe in them. And because I'm honest, I foolishly think they're going to be honest. It's so fucking disheartening and frustrating when reality washes over me. I'm so in love with the idea that people will be just as honest with me, that even with all my trust issues, I still find myself believing in them. Everyone's so fake.

 

When the realization hits, and it is that all anyone really wanted was someone to pacify the time - or to learn they're already with somebody else or you're just convenient or a passing phase.  Damn it!  Someone to help them through something, to help them move on. I'm just that girl to pass the time - and the sad reality is I'm never gonna be the girl somebody really really loves and wants to spend time with until they die. I'm never gonna be that priority or come first in someone's life or be someone's best friend or their everything.  It's a pipe dream.  The idea that I will grow old holding someone's hand and laughing on a porch bench is fading.  And now I just look stupid, sitting here at my desk crying, like a silly little child, over my own stupidity, my own naivety.  Foolishly thinking that people in my life that I thought would always be there, would somehow always be there.  That all I had invested into loving and caring and worrying for them only to learn the hard way - sometimes years and years later, after the damage was too far gone, that it would ever be reparable - Me - the Queen of a billion chances, throwing in the towel and giving up on people that were everything to me, that I thought would be my family or a friend for life.  That I would've gladly given my life for, that I sacrificed for, would somehow be real or that the idea of loyalty and friendship or real romance was within my grasp.  Reality is a harsh dose of fuck you and the truth is everyone just uses everyone.  Now all these little pieces of me are gone and I just feel all used up.  I hate feeling this way. So fucking sad and vulnerable and always having to pick myself back up always repeating the same mistakes, always trusting people.

 

I used to think if I loved everyone enough they'd love me back the same or that they'd someday return what I was so eager to give.  Now I spend my days alone and watch, observe, remember and toy with why I was always loving everyone, waiting there, hoping to be loved back. It hurts, it fucking hurts. I'm letting go of something that's carried me through my life. All that hope, just washing away. As if anybody would ever reciprocate or love or care or want the same things.  With every little piece of me they take, I slip farther and farther under, unable to pull myself out of the river.  It's all so fucking bleak. The gleam in my eye is gone, the burning flame in my heart, but an ember. I fought so hard to keep the flame burning bright, I'm letting go.

I dip my toes in the River of Hades, only to fall in and be consumed by darkness. This is where I am now, it's where my heart lives and at least I know it's real.

  

And with each new wonderful person, I think - yes, and I hope - and then I realize, no, stupid you're all alone. I have my parents and my kids, my brothers, and maybe a few true friends. 

 

...this idea that I keep allowing myself to believe, this mistake I continue to repeat, I'm done, and with it, goes all my hope.