Its time.... I must purge, I have to heal me of all these things, of all these secrets, of all this tragedy and sadness, from all this pain and worry and woe, I must set free my strained heart, it's all become to heavy to keep lifting so many to be awash in the love of my moon. I need to breathe before everything caves in on me. ... there are times when I grow so tired and I just don't care to want to be strong anymore.
Checking in on everyone and listening and being their cheerleader and that shoulder has been leaned on too much now and this has struck me hard. I look within myself, searching for my reserve of inner strength and will, to carry on smiling, its been looted, the treasure gone. I find nothing there and as things fall apart around me, I fight with myself to admit I cant keep trying to carry all this weight. Its that nightmare I've had since I was 2, where I'm standing in the dark holding a needle and trying to keep the world from crushing me, armed only with a tiny needle, balancing a world that isn't mine. I'm screaming inside and I have nowhere to turn.
I do this, I give so much of me away, I forget I need me too. Something happens, I feel myself begin to fold and withdraw from everything and everyone. I feel how lonely I truly am, where 10 minutes prior I was happy. I am weary and exhausted and tears crash and fall like whitewater rapids and I swallow and blink my eyes, praying I don't drown in it, that I don't free-fall spiraling out of control, down, down, down. I must fight for my life, with everything I have to not be consumed by those demons that too often come to play. I am strong, but I feel myself beginning to break. And now I have to fight, I have to fight hard just for me, just to keep standing, to not let my knees buckle from the pressure, to not fall to the floor curling into a ball and weeping so hard my heart breaks and bleeds. I don't want to do this anymore.
I always miss my Nani, but today, I wish she were here holding my hand.
"I need some distraction or a beautiful release, memories seep from my veins, let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight." Sarah McLachlan 'Angel"
Checking in on everyone and listening and being their cheerleader and that shoulder has been leaned on too much now and this has struck me hard. I look within myself, searching for my reserve of inner strength and will, to carry on smiling, its been looted, the treasure gone. I find nothing there and as things fall apart around me, I fight with myself to admit I cant keep trying to carry all this weight. Its that nightmare I've had since I was 2, where I'm standing in the dark holding a needle and trying to keep the world from crushing me, armed only with a tiny needle, balancing a world that isn't mine. I'm screaming inside and I have nowhere to turn.
I do this, I give so much of me away, I forget I need me too. Something happens, I feel myself begin to fold and withdraw from everything and everyone. I feel how lonely I truly am, where 10 minutes prior I was happy. I am weary and exhausted and tears crash and fall like whitewater rapids and I swallow and blink my eyes, praying I don't drown in it, that I don't free-fall spiraling out of control, down, down, down. I must fight for my life, with everything I have to not be consumed by those demons that too often come to play. I am strong, but I feel myself beginning to break. And now I have to fight, I have to fight hard just for me, just to keep standing, to not let my knees buckle from the pressure, to not fall to the floor curling into a ball and weeping so hard my heart breaks and bleeds. I don't want to do this anymore.
I always miss my Nani, but today, I wish she were here holding my hand.
"I need some distraction or a beautiful release, memories seep from my veins, let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight." Sarah McLachlan 'Angel"
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