Balance

I used to meet my emotions with pure fire. I would stuff down the pain, the terror, the worry, the anguish and anxiety. I would sweep it to the side and focus on surviving and getting to the next moment intact. I didn’t have time to open myself up to my emotions and stand in the rain of my own vulnerability. I had to act. I had to mom. I had to work. I had to keep moving.

My emotions caught up to me and stared me down until I relented and let them in. I sat with them and felt every single little thing. It nearly killed me. I had to experience emotions from my childhood and trauma that I never truly let go. I was dying quietly. I told no one. It was and still is one of the loneliest moments of my life. 

I fell apart and absolutely no one knew, no one saw and no one came to save me.

I lived in an emotional whirlwind of unresolved pain and fear and trauma by myself. I met every single emotion with open arms and let it kill me. 

Until one day, I stood up again. I stood taller and my heart and mind could make sense of all these emotions and feelings. It was heavy, but I felt lighter and I felt the flame within me grow stronger than I had ever felt it.

It hurt and I can’t even write this without becoming emotional and tearing up. But I don’t run from it anymore. I let the tears flow, and I dry them.

I don’t want to just survive things anymore. I want to live in the truth of who I am and what I want my life to be. Turns out, survival is only reactive. 

Living in my emotions and my fire gives me balance. This is me living my life now.

No one is coming to save you, get the fuck up, feel everything, and you will find your strength, strength beyond what you can imagine. 

I always thought by not feeling things I would be better off. And it would help get me over that hump. It was a strength during those times and it did help me get through some unbelievably difficult times. But I never got over them, because I never allowed myself to feel my emotions so I still carried these things with me. It was survival, a coping mechanism that was necessary at the time. 

I don’t do that anymore. It doesn’t serve a purpose anymore to ignore my feelings. Now I feel every little thing, even if it makes other people uncomfortable. 

I don’t live my life to please anyone else anymore. I live for me, for the love inside me.

I don’t entertain disrespect, bread crumbs or mediocrity anymore. I love me. I know there is magic in this world, because I am magic.