..this kid

I sat by the rink wall watching all the kids (elementary) fly by on their skates, I wanted to see them - their faces, the excitement... I couldn't help but reminisce; the smell of the rink, the flashing lights, the loud music, cheap pizza and kids with flashing bracelets and necklaces.  Oh those were the days.   I wanted to skate, but we arrived late and an overdue phone call delayed my getting in line for skates.  Once I went to get them - the rink was closing in 40 minutes, seemed hardly worth the $11.  Still, my sweet boy had a wonderful time. 

I watched him show off, he was quite charming.  Two girls from his class have a crush on him.  So I watched as they each followed him and talked to him.  I could tell they were crushing.  Very cute too.  It really was the sweetest thing.  When he started talking about it, he mentioned he'd have to call his older brother and tell him that he had more 'game' then his big brother.

This kid...he kills me! 

Dear Crutch...

I don't think anyone will ever fully grasp and understand just what you meant to me or how saying good-bye to you, was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

When I was stressed out - the moment I began to stress, I could always turn to you.  You'd always, always, always be there for me.  You always had my back!  In moments of sadness, anger, elation, post-coital, rocking out in my car, I could take you anywhere and you were always the very best friend in the world to me.  When someone broke my heart you would fill me with hope and you listened unfailingly to me go on for hours, never once interrupting, never once judging, never once giving unsolicited advice.  No dirty looks or mumbling under your breath.

At my worst times, even at my best times, in my loneliest and even most awkward moments you would come in like my superhero and save me.  I looked forward to being with you - all the time.  I couldn't go anywhere without you.  I would defend you viciously to the death to any and all nay-sayers.  And there were a lot of them.  I would start a new job or go somewhere and you were so awesome.  When I was nervous or found it difficult to make friends, you introduced me to the coolest of people and I even thought because of you they accepted me. 

I would smell you on my clothes, in my hair and on my fingers.  I loved the way you smelled.  I could smell you on other people.  I loved the way you felt in my fingers.  I loved the way I felt when I held you.  I felt classy and cool.  I felt secure and comfortable. 

Then one day, it all changed.  I could hear the truth in the things the nay-sayers spoke.  I could see that you were hurting me.  I could see that you weren't healthy for me.  I was afraid and terrified both of losing you and having to walk away.  And it wasn't just because more and more people were trying to push and pull us apart.  No one would hire me if they learned about us.  It just wasn't fair anymore, I always had to go outside to be with you.  You became something I was embarrassed about.  Sometimes it was really cold and I didn't want to go outside just to be with you, but I did and I would miss out on great things because I was so hung-up on you.  I hated that everyone looked and stared and stood in judgment when you were with me. 

I just couldn't let go, my world wouldn't be the same without you.  I met you when I was so young.  It was a chance meeting, my father had sent me on an errand and it had been fate.  I would even sneak from school early in the mornings and run to the convenience store across the street, just to be with you.  My Dad even caught us once, but he never said a word.  He knew if he did, he'd be a hypocrite.  We weren't even in a relationship then, I had really only just met you.  I wasn't even sure if I was doing things the right way.  You taught me patience and I learned and for the last 27 years you have been my rock, my confidant, my strong-hold on reality, my best friend in the whole world.

I wanted to be fully vested in this break-up.  I had tried to walk-away many times before - but you'd always pull me back in.  I knew if I walked away it would have to be for good.  I wouldn't be able to talk to you ever again.  I wouldn't ever be able to hold you again.  I had to move forward and leave you behind.  It would be a definitive moment in my life.  I researched all kinds of things.  Anything that would help ease the separation from you, I absorbed at an alarming rate.  I read the psychology on the hold you had over me, how powerful it was and how difficult it would be to walk away.  I utilized every resource at my fingertips.  I didn't tell anyone that I was going to break-up with you, it was imminent though, I had reached a pinnacle point in my life.  Previously, when I told people I was going to break up with you, they would balk at me, chide me, always fueling a negativity, instead of support and they never believed I was strong enough. 

HA!!  Look at me now, I thought I'd die at one point without you, it's been several months!  I've not felt this good in a long time.  I see you everywhere and everything still reminds me of you.  Though I don't feel the urge to pick you up or obsess over you like I felt before.  I acknowledge that what we had was very real and to be honest, I'm glad you were there, but I'm happier now that you're gone.  I can breathe so much better now.  I can smell everything more powerfully than I could before.  I can taste all my food so much better than I did previously.  My clothes and car and hair don't smell like you anymore.  I can even be around you and not wish I was holding you.  I enjoy all kinds of things now that you're not here.

Admittedly, I have to stay super busy.  I find lots and lots to do - but I'm far more productive than I ever was, when I was with you.  I honestly think I'm a better person without you.  It was the best thing I've ever done, to walk away from you.  It's definitely a lifestyle change.  I'm fully embracing it and I know I'll never go back to you, not for the rest of my life.  I'm far too proud of myself to ever run back.  I hope you're as happy as I am without you. 

Sincerely,
a former smoker. 

...oh the distractions...

What can you do in a world drowning in distractions?

What can't you do?!  Everyone these days has their head buried in their phone or some other electronic device.  So just about everybody should be a master at multi-tasking, right!  If you can walk and be looking at your phone, you've just mastered a new skill.  (as to what skill it might be?)  The worst ones are the drivers that are texting.   I won't deny, I am guilty on occasion.  *Shame on me!  I can be sitting at a stop light and continue texting as the light changes.  Very bad - I'm a horrible person and what's worse I'm obviously totally distracted while I'm driving a vehicle that weighs over a ton and can easily kill you or me.  I need to put my phone down*

We all need to put our phones and devices down.  Let's pay attention to what's going on all around us.  You probably just missed a gorgeous sunset, or a beautiful rare butterfly fluttering by, or maybe the love of your life was looking at you, waiting to be noticed - but you were buried in your phone.  Will you get a do-over?  Will you get a second chance to go to your friends party instead of staying home with your computer?  We are missing out on beauty everywhere because we are so hung up on our devices.  True story!  This is also a confession!

How do you get good positive attention in a world so distracted??   Everyone seems to be on some social media platform.  The big question is - why do we enjoy so much of these kinds of distractions?  In a world full of people constantly screaming out in need of affection and attention, we tend to focus on things that are anything but... (I'm about to rant...)

Okay.. burning question....(eh hem - clears throat) - I'd like to know why guys send pictures of body parts?  Seriously!  Direct messages with... uhhm... yeah with pictures.  No - prefacing anything, no hey nice to meet you, I'm so and so.  Nope.  Just dirty pictures...  Guys, you're going to have to trust me, women aren't going to fall all over themselves and grab the nearest vibrator and go to town because you've sent a picture of your penis, your anus or your balls.  (never say never - I've been wrong before)  I promise you though, not a lot of women will see that and think, 'oh God I must meet him'.   NO!  I know I have personally deleted and immediately blocked you.  It is NOT okay! 

OKAY!  So, not only do you have every online dating option in the world.  But every social media outlet is a mecca for dating.  The problem isn't the problem, the problem is your attitude with the problem.  Not every girl or guy is DTF.  Some of us would like a little romance in our life and we'd like to perhaps even date.  I personally would love poetry and music and for the record - no - 2 or 3 days after I've met you - online, I do NOT want to send you naked pictures of myself.  We are not dating either, that's a rapid attachment.  Besides, I'd like to think I'm not that kind of girl in real life, let alone hiding behind a social media outlet.  Call me boring, I'm kind of still in love with the idea of exploring someone's body while making out for the first time.  But have I?  Have I started a conversation or two via a DM (direct message) yes... (I'm a firm believer in testing theory) has it worked out - absolutely not! 

Truth is - I'm not at all ready to date.  Not even pretend dating online or via some social networking.  Truth is when I am ready - I probably won't go this route, either.  I'm just too old fashioned and too much of a hopeless romantic to buy into this millennial mindset way of dating.  It's too antiquated.  I like talking to someone.  I like the idea of physicality.  I like smiling and gauging a reaction while in real conversation.  I want to know everything I can about you. (hey - I'm from the 80's we were all borderline stalkers then)  Body language is paramount, it tells if they're attentive, if they are into me.  I like to see the eyes and hear the voice.  Some things just can't be communicated via technology.  I don't know.  Maybe it's because I'd like to be thought of as more than just a means to an end, more than an object.  Maybe I have something to bring to the table and I'd like to find a nice guy.  I don't know!  Maybe I'll give it one more shot.  Not a whole lot of luck yet and I feel like a creeper at this point.  Not to mention - how would I know how many other girls you're talking to...  how would anybody know??  There's just so much room for dishonesty here. 

Circling back to my original thought.  How will all this distraction help you find 'the love and affection' we all seem to be searching for?  How will you find that one person that you can maybe call your boyfriend or girlfriend?  No wonder everyone is so filled with mistrust!!!  Most guys are just waiting for that one cute girl that's going to give up the most, once she does then they're onto another girl or perhaps back to the other girl they were already talking to, while you were sending naked pics!  Gotti!  And us ladies - we are wretched, we want to see how far we can push a guy, how much money does he have, if we can get dinner out of him and basically what can he do for us before we get bored and move on.  (I don't subscribe to this mentality - what's wrong is wrong)  It's so defeating and it taints the water for the rest of us that would love to meet someone.  It's the most retarded display of showing someone you're interested.  Defeats the purpose altogether, I say.  Plus there's a dozen different memes saying, 'go ahead like 5 pictures, DM me, fuck me - rinse and repeat'.  How can any of you take anybody seriously??   It's so ridiculous.  I just don't know how I'm going to do this and take anyone seriously...  I'm so tired of being guarded!!

It's the saddest thought ever... but...   Even knowing the truth, it won't change a thing - none of us are willing to put our devices down. We will continue to drown in a world full of distractions and we will become less trusting, less social and a whole lot lonelier.  We hold our technology closer to us than the people that mean the most.  It's incredibly sad when you look around and everyone is distracted by their phones or devices.  I want to cry, but I won't deny I do it too... oh the distractions...

25 Signs

So daily, my email gets flooded with all kinds of nonsense.  Some of it, I've foolishly signed up for... no turning back now, though.  In keeping with the spirit of my less stressful posts, I'm going to share the love from an article Cosmopolitan sent me.  Titled...

25 Signs He'll Be A Good Boyfriend
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a56236/signs-hell-be-a-good-boyfriend/?mag=cos&list=nl_chg_news&src=nl&date=040116

Yes.  Trust me when I tell you, it was an engaging.  It forced me to think...I was, in fact, comparing notes.  Perhaps the fact that I'm single speaks volumes?  Could it be true?  Hmm, I don't know.  What do I know, I always follow my heart (because it's immoral to go against your gut and that would be too wise a easy for me) still - I have no regrets.  I would never, even now, use such an antiquated list.... for obvious reasons.   So... just for giggles, I'm going to share .... (copied and pasted and the link is above...however, I'm going to insert my thoughts - because I'm opinionated - in red) 

• 1. He asks about how your friend Becky is doing after her breakup. Him caring about your friends and asking about them later not only shows that he's a caring person, but he's invested in your life and the people in it. On the rare occasion, you find a man that was listening to you ramble on. Rare indeed!
• 2. After he met Becky for the first time, he was like, "Do you think that went well?" You don't want to end up with a guy who's like I don't care if your friends hate me, they suck anyway. That's just a logistical nightmare and is surely going to end in some severed ties with people you really care about. I don't think it's as simple as this.... this is dicey.
• 3. When you bring up that your boss is being rude to you at work, he doesn't sigh and roll his eyes because you're "complaining again." If he can't sit through a five minute tirade about a lame work situation, he won't be able to sit down with you when something seriously big goes wrong. I think any man will sit through and tolerate whining, if he thinks he's getting some later.  I'm sure at some point, they'll also vent.
• 4. He's polite to waiters and cashiers and doesn't do that awful thing where you yell "CHECK, PLEASE" across the restaurant. It might have been cool to date the guy who was sweet to you but an asshole to everyone else when you were 13 and bullies were kind of sexy, but that sort of relationship doesn't hold up in adulthood. Don't date a man-bully who could very well turnaround and bully you if you piss him off. How you treat people is huge! Life is an echo - what you send out into the world comes back to you.
• 5. He doesn't desert you at his friends' parties.  It's ok for him to encourage you to be friendly with his friends, but it's not ok for him to have an exclusive conversation with Chad while you sit alone awkwardly on the couch.  You're a big girl, honestly you should be able to mingle on your own. But if he brought you to his friends' party he should be looking out for you - mingling and introducing you to his people.
• 6. He always offers to share the last slice of pizza with you and then doesn't say anything when you "accidentally" eat way more than half of it. If the last slice is sacred enough for Drake to rap about it in a love song, ("You could have my heart or we could share it like the last slice") then it must be a real sign of a potentially great romance. ... it would be a really sweet gesture.
• 7. He doesn't manspread across your entire schedule and take over your whole world. It might be flattering if the guy you just met wants to spend all his time with you, but if he's really invested in who you are as a person, he'll encourage you to be your own person and hang out with him when you both have time.  Agreed.  You want to spend time together, but you still have stuff you must do (you're an adult) he should have stuff to do also.  You should not be joined at the hip all the time.  
• 8. He's genuinely interested in (or at least good at faking it) your long, rambly stories about family vacations you took as a kid. Instead of getting frustrated and impatient when you talk for 10 minutes about that one weird trip you went on in 2007, he's excited to hear about what happened after that fight you had with your little brother in the backseat of the family van.  If he is genuinely interested, not only will he listen, he may even say something later on to show he was listening.  LOVE this. (this is the same as #1)
• 9. He doesn't get upset when you say you need some alone time. You would understand if he needed some, and he doesn't want to take over your life anyway. Sometimes you need personal space, no couple should be joined at the hip all the time, (same as #7)
• 10. He never says things like, "You're being crazy," or, "You're being ridiculous." Because he's compassionate and empathetic, and realizes saying things like that make you feel little and stupid, and a good boyfriend would never do those things. HA! First - all women are crazy, we all just have varying degrees of crazy, embrace it ladies - on the flip side, it's in a guy's best interest to not mention or point it out - this can escalate crazy.  This can be dangerous for him and others.   Crazy Hot Matrix - Must watch video!!!!
• 11. He makes you feel like a hot babe all the time. You don't want to spend a significant amount of time with a guy who makes you feel insecure or question whether or not he's attracted to you. You should make me feel like I'm the only girl in a room full of beautiful people.  It's disrespectful to check someone out in front of the person you are with - this applies to both men and women!!! It's not just a song...Make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world!!!
• 12. He has female friends who aren't aren't just a collection of women who've seen his penis before. If other girls (who aren't exes or former flings) like him enough to be his friend, he's probably a good guy that you'll also enjoy spending time with (and kissing a lot). Tricky.  But agreed, he should have at least one functional platonic friendship where there hasn't been intimacy nor does he entertain the idea - trust. 
• 13. He gets really excited when you hit it off with his best friend Jason, just like he knew you would. He wants his friends to like you. Yes. 
• 14. You don't find a million texts and missed calls on your phone from him after spending a night out with your girlfriends. This is a red flag of a potentially obsessive or manipulative guy. NOPE.  Trust.
• 15. He doesn't try to act hard and pretend he doesn't have feelings when he's around you. Mature adults shouldn't be afraid to say things like, "I like you," or, "I think you're really cool." I shouldn't be trying to figure out how you feel.
• 16. He texts after work to see how that meeting with your boss Steph went. It would be annoying AF for him to be texting you every 10 minutes when he knows you're busy all day, but checking in later shows he cares the right amount.  Thoughtfulness goes a long way.
• 17. He doesn't rush you out the door when you're trying to make sure your lip liner is perfectly applied and not smudged. He might do a little bit of gentle ribbing about how slow you are, but he shouldn't shame you for taking your time and trying to look good. That's rude. I got nothin.
• 18. When he screws up, he's quick to apologize instead of letting you stew in your anger for a week and a half. Stubbornness is actually an incredibly unattractive quality, and it only makes little fights turn into enormous ones. And a good boyfriend typically tries to avoid enormous fights. Uhm, yeah, I think everyone is guilty of this... 
• 19. And when you screw up, he doesn't hold a grudge forever like a sullen teen named Todd. If he isn't perfect, he can't expect you to be perfect, either. He forgives.  Scorecards - shouldn't be brought up in every argument. 
• 20. He has interests and hobbies aside from dating you. You want to date a person, not a pre-packaged boyfriend. That gets so boring so fast. Please.
• 21. When you're hanging out, he talks about things he wants to do with you in the future, even if it's just the near future.  If there's no talk of a future, there is no future. 
• 22. He doesn't immediately start acting like your boyfriend after hanging out one time in a friend's back yard. Going from 0-100 real quick is a good way to end up crashing and burning before the relationship ever gets started. This guy gets to know you. You know, like an adult person.  This speaks for itself.
• 23. He sends a "hey I had a lot of fun" text after hanging out with you. He isn't trying to follow any bullshit dating rules about waiting three days before texting or calling. He just likes you is all.  Honesty.  It's nice and I'm not left wondering...
• 24. He's clear about his intentions early on, instead of leaving you in is he a hookup or a boyfriend? limbo for forever. If he doesn't know what he wants, and doesn't figure it out in a reasonable amount of time, he probably never will.  Seriously, don't be a liar.  Make your intentions clear.  
• 25. He gets excited about showing you things he likes. Not because he wants you to be his weird female twin, but because this is the best part of having a good girlfriend.  When someone likes you, they want to share things.  They want to show you the things they like - you might like them too and transversely, they like hearing about what you like, it's all part of the dance. 

 

I'll be honest.  It isn't the list I'd make.  I don't think someone should fit a list, anyway. What do I know - I'm single!!!! 

Profound Quotes on Sexuality

“Males do not represent two discrete populations; heterosexual and homosexual. The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats, and not all things are black nor all things white. It is a fundamental of taxonomy that nature rarely deals with discrete categories. Only the human mind invents categories and tries to force facts into separated pigeon-holes. The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects. The sooner we learn this concerning human sexual behavior, the sooner we shall reach a sound understanding of the realities of sex.”
― Alfred C. Kinsey, Sexual Behavior in the Human Male

“I would argue that masturbation is the human animal’s most important adaptation. The very cornerstone of our technological civilization. Our hands evolved to grip tools, all right—including our own. You see, thinkers, inventors, and scientists are usually geeks, and geeks have a harder time getting laid than anyone. Without the built-in sexual release valve provided by masturbation, it’s doubtful that early humans would have ever mastered the secrets of fire or discovered the wheel. And you can bet that Galileo, Newton, and Einstein never would have made their discoveries if they hadn’t first been able to clear their heads by slapping the salami (or “knocking a few protons off the old hydrogen atom”). The same goes for Marie Curie. Before she discovered radium, you can be certain she first discovered the little man in the canoe.”

― Ernest Cline, Ready Player One

“What freedom men and women could have, were they not constantly tricked and trapped and enslaved and tortured by their sexuality! The only drawback in that freedom is that without it one would not be a human. One would be a monster.”
― John Steinbeck, East of Eden

“Women’s liberation and empowerment are terms feminists started using to talk about casting off the limitations imposed upon women and demanding equality. We have perverted these words. The freedom to be sexually provocative or promiscuous is not enough freedom; it is not the only ‘women’s issue’ worth paying attention to. And we are not even free in the sexual arena. We have simply adopted a new norm, a new role to play: lusty, busty exhibitionist. There are other choices. If we are really going to be sexually liberated, we need to make room for a range of options as wide as the variety of human desire. We need to allow ourselves the freedom to figure out what we internally want from sex instead of mimicking whatever popular culture holds up to us as sexy. That would be liberation.”
― Ariel Levy

“When I touched her body,
I believed she was God.
In the curves of her form
I found the birth of Man,
the creation of the world,
and the origin of all life.”
― Roman Payne

“Sex is as much about opening yourself and showing your sexuality to another human being as it is about allowing them to show you theirs. If you want your lover to expand their horizons with you, it’s vital that you give them the same courtesy of hearing their secrets without making them feel creepy about it.”
― Roberto Hogue, Real Secrets of Sex: A Women’s Guide on How to Be Good in Bed

“According to the prevailing view human sexual life consists essentially in an endeavor to bring one’s own genitals into contact with those of someone of the opposite sex.”
― Sigmund Freud, An Outline of Psycho-Analysis

“In adopting a patently false but stubbornly clung-to mythology of human sexuality that makes demons out of natural drives, we’ve entered a stage of moral sickness, not of moral health.”
― Jesse Bering, Perv: The Sexual Deviant in All of Us

“No one could have imagined the effects the Internet would have: …there’s a vast new intimacy and accidental poetry, not to mention the weirdest porn. The entire human experience seems to unveil itself like the surface of a new planet.” JG Ballard, 2004”
― J.G. Ballard

How to not be a cat lady...

You know - that one person - the one you have to date in between the gut-wrenching heart-crushing break up and the next real relationship (if you're lucky) or just perhaps the next real date.  They're not a rebound and they're not a grudge fuck (wtf!!??).  They hold more potential and they're not just looking to get in your panties... no?  Yeah, me neither.  Never met one.  Not.  Ever.  My entire life, and I probably never will - we've all forgotten manners and the sweet loveliness and allure of romance and courtship.  And I think I want to cry...

Go on a date, everyone said. (meanwhile I had turned down a few, I know me - I wasn't ready) not yet - it takes more than a few months to get over and adjust.  And I'm not a serial monogamist.   I'm incapable of jumping from one relationship to the next.  I have to sort things out.  I need to heal.  I need to make sure this is who I am.  Sometimes I just need me time.  So, anyway, I agree to talk to a guy that likes me, he's nice.  Everyone wants to be nosy.  Everyone has advice.  Do this.  Don't do this, don't do that.  Be flirty.  Don't go filling his head with your writing and biting sarcasm.  It's your turn to get what you deserve.  You gotta keep a man, blah blah blah.  Be a lady.  Show him you come from good stock.  He's got money, a nice car and his own house.  He's a good guy.  (they don't even really know him - he's just an acquaintance they thought was cute and he commented I was a hottie - really?)  He's the marrying kind?  You're leveling up.  Now's your chance.  HAHAHA - guess I blew that!!!   OH MY GAWWWD!  Just stop, please!  First - do any of you even know me - do you know who the fuck I am?  You're supposed to be my closest friends and family.  Oh - wait yeah, I get it, you're all just projecting?  Trying to live vicariously??  Maybe.

Okay. I'm going to ignore it, because in truth these nutjobs love me, they really do.

I have advice coming from people that have been married for a really, really long time.  None of them have been in the dating pool or on the dating scene in more than 15 years.  Really?  It's comical that - you're offering me advice on dating!!!  I mean, I love you for caring so much, but not every guy I date is going to be the one I marry.  I know this is a ploy so you no longer have to worry about your single friend/daughter/sister.  Whatever, I take it all in stride.  I know they mean well.  And since they've been married for an eternity, it can't hurt to listen.  Maybe they know some golden hidden truth that I'm totally clueless on.  Oh bullshit!  Let's face it - both men and women now, are a far different cry than how they were 5, 10, 15 years ago. 

The flirting process today is cruel and indifferent, it's calloused and it lacks romance.  It saddens me and breaks my heart that I can't be who I am.  You can't know me without seeing my facial reactions.  Without hearing my noises or seeing what I do when I'm nervous and I bounce my leg.  I have to adjust to this new way of meeting people.  We live in a digital age and there's a lot less hands on communication.  Everyone is on social media and wants to text and message.  Everyone is so detached, and sadly, everyone's so okay with it.  Or are they all just going with the flow because, like me, they're all terrified?  I suppose there's a lot of people hurt and not wanting to make themselves vulnerable.  It's easier to hide behind the digital bullshit.  But what a huge loss!  And if you do talk or flirt, you're instantly labeled a whore.  Or someone's worried they're being 'catfished'.   I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.  Long gone are the days of meeting someone in a grocery store.  Or your friend, legitimately having a single friend that's not a psycho and would be worth going on a blind date.

I'm so lost.  It's truly the strangest thing ever.  I know I'm not too old.  I know this can't be all there is to dating.  This is insane!!!  I'm not the girl that goes to bars by herself.  I'm not the girl that goes out, a lot. Period.  And I'm a single Mom - so that limits things even more.  And then, even when you can find someone that you've got tons in common with and you can relax and talk about things.  They live worlds away.  So you're talking and it means something - right, but what does it really mean?   I didn't do online dating for this reason.  And now I'm online dating.  What the fuck!

Here you are conversing (the only way you can - messaging) and if they don't respond, you have no way of knowing who else they're talking to, are you boring them to death, do you talk to much?  You don't want to be a bother and they can't see you talking or hear you (unless there's a video) and they don't know you.  (How can they really?)  Talk about a surefire way to question your self-esteem, too.  And then there's all these DM's with ungodly and perverse messages coming from all these random people and pictures of things your ex didn't even send you.  Ewwww!  No one has any respect.  And it's easy because everyone's hiding behind something.  And if you do meet someone you must ingratiate by way of dance of bullshit - and they are amazing, you're still fucked.  Chances are they live 3000 miles away.  They have their own life.  They're not going anywhere.  You have your life.  You're not going anywhere. 

Ugh!  I hate this - I'm becoming a realist and I don't want to be - I like hope and optimism.  I feel it all just slipping away.  And I'm going to end up being crotchety and a cat lady.  I'm too warm and lovely and fun for that.  But maybe I'm just not ready for any of this.   Sadly, I don't know that I ever will be.  I don't know - maybe there's advice somewhere from someone on how to not be a catlady...?

 

Dear Diary - YOU SUCK!

I haven't felt this alone in a really, really long time. 

I feel like I'm coming apart, like I'm being pulled in a million different directions.  No worse, it's more like being quartered.  Not by my limbs, but my brain, my heart, my emotions, my eyes and my sad pathetic forsaken soul.  Not a simple rip at the seams either, more like being shredded by daggers and knives.  I've always managed one way or another to climb out of the graves I've dug for myself.  I've always found a way out or found a way back onto solid ground.  ....maybe I just thought I did.  Maybe I pushed so many things aside I never really dealt with any of it.  Maybe I was so busy making baby steps forward and forcing changes in my life I didn't deal with the real bullshit.  Maybe it's all been stuffed down for so long, that it's all just brimming and brewing and bubbling just beneath the surface, ready to blow like a volcano just awakened.  I can't get my footing.  I can't grab hold of anything.  I feel like I'm blindly reaching and swatting my own hand away.  I have absolutely no one I can talk to.  No one.  Not a fucking living soul.  Not one single solitary person that will listen and I cant begin to tell you just how much (for the first time, ever) I'm admitting I need someone I can trust and someone that will just let my broken heart bleed for a few minutes all over them.  All I have is this blog.  This stupid ridiculous fucking blog and I'll debate for days over whether I'll ever post this.  Thank gawd I have this blog and you, my few readers.  Still - this blog makes me far too vulnerable.  I'll just write and write and write and pray that all this bottled up pain eventually subsides and passes.  You'll be the only one I shed my skin with and I'll walk away and pretend like it never happened.  Me - the girl that always claims I can't fake it until I make it. 

I've reached a tipping point.  Over the last week or so, I've reached out to a few people.  Only those I believed to be someone that maybe, just maybe I could vent to. I haven't been forthright in just how important it is that I need to talk, but I've said enough, I've said I am dealing with some things and I'm not doing well.  If you know me, I don't reach out to people.  I don't handle disappointment well (does anybody) - it squelches that burning fire of hope that I constantly carry with me.  This isn't easy to carry.  I stumble and fall in the dark - hell I stumble and fall in the light of day.  I experience sadness just as deeply as I experience joy.  There are 2 speeds for me.  Furious and Falling.  I have tried to find a median, sometimes I do really well, other times (like now) I'm falling furiously fast on a downward spiral.  Anyway - I find most people disappoint when it comes to being there selflessly for someone else.  This isn't just something new, I've felt it Most of my life - I have always done everything, I have always been the rock, I am always the one everyone goes to, I'm great with advice and I'm sincere and real and I rarely will judge people - so quite often people trust me and everyone leans on me.  And that's okay, I've known since I was very young that I Am on my own and possibly the only one I can or ever will be able to depend on.  I know that I'm not like everyone else.

I won't say I'm a great friend.  I'm not.  I honestly try very hard though, to be a good friend.  I try to be there for people.  I really do, if someone needs me, needs money, needs food, is sick, whatever - I will give them the shirt off my back.  I feel hollow and empty.  I thought I was really hurting before, then I got into an argument with my daughter.  It was of epic proportions and in the process she revealed some very real pain that's been hurting her and imbedded in her soul.  Now I'm worse - and it's all my fault.  She's hurting, but she's hurting for me.  She's always there for everyone.  She's the one that takes care of everyone.  She's the one that everyone tells their secrets to, she's a lot like me - but a much better person.  She's so angry, angry that no one will help or be the person to me that I am to other people.  She said she's just so tired of watching me struggle every day of my life.  She said she's tired of all the liars and all the people that just use and use and use and hurt and rarely ever give back not even a shred of the love I give.  These are her words.  It broke my heart - right there I fell and I've never fallen that hard - all the pieces of my heart fell into a million slivers and I don't know that I'll never be able to put them back together.  All I could do was grab her beautiful face in both my hands and beg her to stop crying.  I hugged her and tried to comfort her.  What do you say to that?  How do you respond?  How do you fix it?  How do you comfort your child that's been desperately trying to carry the weight and burdens you unknowingly put on her?   Looks like I'm quite an asshole and also a pretty awful parent.  My poor kids. 

My brother has begged me to seek counseling.  I have promised that I will and it looks like I may have no other choice. 

I started writing this yesterday, but was overcome with emotion so I couldn't finish it.   Today I will finish it and I've decided I will, in fact, publish it.  I don't care if you judge me.  I'm hurting and it's too painful to leave bottled up.  In the process of introspection and coming to terms with everything that's going on in my life, I'm dealing with things I don't like about myself and I want very much to change them, I really want to be a better person.  A lot of this pain I have, has also hurt some people I care about.  Though some of the things I say will sound like validation to my actions, it's not I am sorry for acting out like a child in desperation.  I don't know what to do and I won't pretend to know.  I'm going through life without a handbook like everyone else and I'm not fucking perfect.  I want so much for just one person, just for once to really just fucking be there for me.  Just one person.  That for when I reach out - that you're there.  And not my kids - I've obviously burdened them far too much.  .... and I really don't want to go to an office and sit with someone cold and unemotional to say my deepest and most intimate thoughts and fears to and not have someone wrap their arms around me and tell me - that everything is going to be okay.  To stop being so damn hard on myself, everyone makes mistakes and my struggles will someday end. 

(A note to my readers - I wake up every day and I take at least 15 minutes to think about all the positive wonderful and amazing things and people in my life - I'm not a negative person - but everyone has their moments and right now, I'm having a major moment.  So as I write this and many of you read my blog - know that I'm writing this in the full understanding that you are that person, silent and anonymous, you are my sounding board - you are instrumental in my reparations to my mental health and getting back to being my normal witty, funny, sarcastic and positive self.  I can't tell you how grateful I am that you read my disturbing and crazy posts - but I truly appreciate you and appreciate having this outlet in my life and look forward to it)

Quite often when I'm in pain - I recognize something awful that I do (and for the record, knowing is half the battle, I admit this is an issue and it's a recent revelation that I do this and now I will make every concerted effort I can to change it - because I want to be a better me)...  if I'm reaching out to someone (I'm usually very specific in my selection process) and they don't pick up on my truly fragile state, I have a tendency to immediately lash out.  So funny, so ironic too.  I'm reaching out for help, and in the exact moment that I sense that person is going to fail me and not be receptive - I don't just push them, I shove as hard as I possibly can. 

My words can bite.  One thing I know about me.  If I'm hurt or angry - and I just want to be heard.  I just want the person to shut up for just a few minutes and hear what I have to say - not interrupt, not cut me off, not get distracted by a multitude of other things, not ignore me, not turn off their listening skills and not offer up unsolicited advice.  I just want to be fucking heard.  No matter how ridiculous or stupid or insane or emotional I am - I really just want to be heard.  Yes, that's all.  And if you genuinely care about me, you will want to understand this.  I don't need affection - though I crave and love it.  I just need you to listen.  I will be extremely passionate in articulating my thoughts and in a very very vulnerable and emotional state.  I will blow up.  And just like that - just as soon as it all escapes my lips and I begin to breathe.  I'm okay.  I immediately slow down and I'm no longer angry or upset.  You've been kind enough to hear me, I immediately start to heal and recover.  And all I have done is taken up just a few precious minutes of your life where you've given your sole attention to me, you've allowed me to have a voice that I so desperately needed to have and had hoped you'd allow me and you did.  I can smile now and it isn't fake or phony.  In fact, it might light up the room because I am so beyond happy.  Now I can fall helpless and hopeful into your arms as you hold me.

DO not underestimate the power this has for me.  I don't trust easily and I so rarely will actually look to someone and let them in my world.  Yes - I am terrified of being hurt, I'm terrified that someone will take my puny little heart and stomp all over it and use it all against me - yes, know I am crazy.  Only a crazy person could survive what I have survived and come out as strong as I am.  I am tough, I am wonder woman, I will be the last one standing in the zombie apocalypse - but it is still just a fragile easily broken, barely beating hopeful heart.