Apologies

The only apology I will ever accept, is the one I write to the girl I was before I met you. To the mom I was, to the sister I was, to the daughter I was, to the terrified woman I was trembling in fear before you, to the fighter I was that stood up to you - only to get knocked back down. 

I had to say sorry to my kids and the people I love more than anyone should ever have to. I felt the repercussions of loving you for decades, they still echo in me today. You almost succeeded in taking my life, more than once. I almost gave up, more than once. I almost didn’t make it back from hell. I have spent a lifetime apologizing to everyone for being the fool that believed you loved me, for believing you loved any of us. I no longer apologize for you, I stopped doing that, now I apologize to myself for not loving myself more. 

I am not sorry. I have finally forgiven myself for loving you and for not knowing I would need to protect myself from you. I have forgiven myself for allowing others to shame me for not having the strength to hear my own voice. I have forgiven myself for trusting you and trusting others that saw what you did and pretended not to see, to those that shamed me when I was finally strong enough to ask for help, and didn’t because they were too busy telling me I should have left long ago and lacked compassion. 

To the abuser - the narcissist, the man so insecure with himself that you had to push all of your responsibilities aside just so you could selfishly be high and drunk all the time. You only felt like a man or superior when you were using your fists and putting me down and tearing my life apart - your apology will never ever be enough, your sad pathetic meager empty words lack any depth or meaning and your intention will always be void of any real emotion. Your words will always be hollow and ugly, just like you.