Shhhh

My mind is racing with too many thoughts and images to focus on any one thing. Despite the volley back and forth between a hundred or more thoughts that I cannot keep at bay, I begin to read - and just as I finally silence the noise and immerse myself in the story unfolding on the pages, my mom texts me. She is lonelier and needier than usual, but I am ill-equipped to navigate through her emotional warfare and I’ve yet to shake this migraine. I don’t feel like chatting with her, or anyone else for that matter. I’m lost in the dark passageways of my mind and it feels safer there; lonelier, but safe. Every so often I feel strong enough to take a peek at my little world, but I can’t focus enough to truly see anything, even if I notice everything. My eyes shift and the world leans in; I don’t want to be distracted by social media, yet somehow can’t look away. Nothing makes sense as I thumb through the feed. It’s not that everything sucks, it’s just that my brain is having conversations without me. It feels futile to sit in silence, when it’s only ever noisy, so I turn on John Wick 2 and I mute it while I spin some Billie Holiday; just wishing I could fall away into the pages of my book. I can’t, so instead I come here and let catharsis unravel. It stills things for a moment and the peace tastes sweet. It’s only temporary, as my son leaves his cave and whines on the phone with friends about having to go back to school tomorrow while grabbing another slice of pizza. I start to wonder if I were invisible, would it all still be so noisy or would I be able to let go of the weight baring down sending me yet again in a spiral. It doesn’t matter I suppose. I just want my migraine to go away so the fog will lift a little. I take my migraine meds and conclude that maybe I can sleep it off. Sweet beautiful deep slumber may be the only cure. Shhhh.