Had I not always lived inside my head
I could listen to the thud of my heart beating, I could hear the words pouring from my lips
Deep in the vast hallways of my mind, there would be empty rooms
And doors that burst open where memories spilled
And I would find safety there
Betrayal and agony
Why did I choose this torment
Why did I not scream for help
Who would listen
The world dredged on around me
People too full of themselves and living their lives
Too busy to take notice of the sadness behind my smile
I could feel no belonging in this world
My head was fantasy and horror and it kept me clean amongst the sheep
I’d feel my world tilt when I’d become to comfortable outside of it
I’d feel too much sorrow and pain and too little joy
I’d miss the smiles of my children and the endless conversations we no longer shared
I’d miss the moments I could cling to and live outside my brain
It was easier to be within my castle, it was simple within these walls
Nothing in my mind could break me the way the world could
I don’t want to leave
If I do, I might lose myself
I might lose more memories and those are far too precious
I feel happiness and sadness when I linger too long thinking of my children.
Some have grown too much to need me and I am forgotten.
Too angry to need me and now I am unforgiven
I waste space and air
I feel small and incomplete
My worries seem silly and yet they destroy me from within
No I think I’ll stay here where I’m welcome, where I’ve accepted my flaws others can’t appreciate
Outside my head the world complicates what’s inside my head
No, I will stay just a little longer
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