Profound Quotes on Sexuality

“Males do not represent two discrete populations; heterosexual and homosexual. The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats, and not all things are black nor all things white. It is a fundamental of taxonomy that nature rarely deals with discrete categories. Only the human mind invents categories and tries to force facts into separated pigeon-holes. The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects. The sooner we learn this concerning human sexual behavior, the sooner we shall reach a sound understanding of the realities of sex.”
― Alfred C. Kinsey, Sexual Behavior in the Human Male

“I would argue that masturbation is the human animal’s most important adaptation. The very cornerstone of our technological civilization. Our hands evolved to grip tools, all right—including our own. You see, thinkers, inventors, and scientists are usually geeks, and geeks have a harder time getting laid than anyone. Without the built-in sexual release valve provided by masturbation, it’s doubtful that early humans would have ever mastered the secrets of fire or discovered the wheel. And you can bet that Galileo, Newton, and Einstein never would have made their discoveries if they hadn’t first been able to clear their heads by slapping the salami (or “knocking a few protons off the old hydrogen atom”). The same goes for Marie Curie. Before she discovered radium, you can be certain she first discovered the little man in the canoe.”

― Ernest Cline, Ready Player One

“What freedom men and women could have, were they not constantly tricked and trapped and enslaved and tortured by their sexuality! The only drawback in that freedom is that without it one would not be a human. One would be a monster.”
― John Steinbeck, East of Eden

“Women’s liberation and empowerment are terms feminists started using to talk about casting off the limitations imposed upon women and demanding equality. We have perverted these words. The freedom to be sexually provocative or promiscuous is not enough freedom; it is not the only ‘women’s issue’ worth paying attention to. And we are not even free in the sexual arena. We have simply adopted a new norm, a new role to play: lusty, busty exhibitionist. There are other choices. If we are really going to be sexually liberated, we need to make room for a range of options as wide as the variety of human desire. We need to allow ourselves the freedom to figure out what we internally want from sex instead of mimicking whatever popular culture holds up to us as sexy. That would be liberation.”
― Ariel Levy

“When I touched her body,
I believed she was God.
In the curves of her form
I found the birth of Man,
the creation of the world,
and the origin of all life.”
― Roman Payne

“Sex is as much about opening yourself and showing your sexuality to another human being as it is about allowing them to show you theirs. If you want your lover to expand their horizons with you, it’s vital that you give them the same courtesy of hearing their secrets without making them feel creepy about it.”
― Roberto Hogue, Real Secrets of Sex: A Women’s Guide on How to Be Good in Bed

“According to the prevailing view human sexual life consists essentially in an endeavor to bring one’s own genitals into contact with those of someone of the opposite sex.”
― Sigmund Freud, An Outline of Psycho-Analysis

“In adopting a patently false but stubbornly clung-to mythology of human sexuality that makes demons out of natural drives, we’ve entered a stage of moral sickness, not of moral health.”
― Jesse Bering, Perv: The Sexual Deviant in All of Us

“No one could have imagined the effects the Internet would have: …there’s a vast new intimacy and accidental poetry, not to mention the weirdest porn. The entire human experience seems to unveil itself like the surface of a new planet.” JG Ballard, 2004”
― J.G. Ballard

How to not be a cat lady...

You know - that one person - the one you have to date in between the gut-wrenching heart-crushing break up and the next real relationship (if you're lucky) or just perhaps the next real date.  They're not a rebound and they're not a grudge fuck (wtf!!??).  They hold more potential and they're not just looking to get in your panties... no?  Yeah, me neither.  Never met one.  Not.  Ever.  My entire life, and I probably never will - we've all forgotten manners and the sweet loveliness and allure of romance and courtship.  And I think I want to cry...

Go on a date, everyone said. (meanwhile I had turned down a few, I know me - I wasn't ready) not yet - it takes more than a few months to get over and adjust.  And I'm not a serial monogamist.   I'm incapable of jumping from one relationship to the next.  I have to sort things out.  I need to heal.  I need to make sure this is who I am.  Sometimes I just need me time.  So, anyway, I agree to talk to a guy that likes me, he's nice.  Everyone wants to be nosy.  Everyone has advice.  Do this.  Don't do this, don't do that.  Be flirty.  Don't go filling his head with your writing and biting sarcasm.  It's your turn to get what you deserve.  You gotta keep a man, blah blah blah.  Be a lady.  Show him you come from good stock.  He's got money, a nice car and his own house.  He's a good guy.  (they don't even really know him - he's just an acquaintance they thought was cute and he commented I was a hottie - really?)  He's the marrying kind?  You're leveling up.  Now's your chance.  HAHAHA - guess I blew that!!!   OH MY GAWWWD!  Just stop, please!  First - do any of you even know me - do you know who the fuck I am?  You're supposed to be my closest friends and family.  Oh - wait yeah, I get it, you're all just projecting?  Trying to live vicariously??  Maybe.

Okay. I'm going to ignore it, because in truth these nutjobs love me, they really do.

I have advice coming from people that have been married for a really, really long time.  None of them have been in the dating pool or on the dating scene in more than 15 years.  Really?  It's comical that - you're offering me advice on dating!!!  I mean, I love you for caring so much, but not every guy I date is going to be the one I marry.  I know this is a ploy so you no longer have to worry about your single friend/daughter/sister.  Whatever, I take it all in stride.  I know they mean well.  And since they've been married for an eternity, it can't hurt to listen.  Maybe they know some golden hidden truth that I'm totally clueless on.  Oh bullshit!  Let's face it - both men and women now, are a far different cry than how they were 5, 10, 15 years ago. 

The flirting process today is cruel and indifferent, it's calloused and it lacks romance.  It saddens me and breaks my heart that I can't be who I am.  You can't know me without seeing my facial reactions.  Without hearing my noises or seeing what I do when I'm nervous and I bounce my leg.  I have to adjust to this new way of meeting people.  We live in a digital age and there's a lot less hands on communication.  Everyone is on social media and wants to text and message.  Everyone is so detached, and sadly, everyone's so okay with it.  Or are they all just going with the flow because, like me, they're all terrified?  I suppose there's a lot of people hurt and not wanting to make themselves vulnerable.  It's easier to hide behind the digital bullshit.  But what a huge loss!  And if you do talk or flirt, you're instantly labeled a whore.  Or someone's worried they're being 'catfished'.   I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.  Long gone are the days of meeting someone in a grocery store.  Or your friend, legitimately having a single friend that's not a psycho and would be worth going on a blind date.

I'm so lost.  It's truly the strangest thing ever.  I know I'm not too old.  I know this can't be all there is to dating.  This is insane!!!  I'm not the girl that goes to bars by herself.  I'm not the girl that goes out, a lot. Period.  And I'm a single Mom - so that limits things even more.  And then, even when you can find someone that you've got tons in common with and you can relax and talk about things.  They live worlds away.  So you're talking and it means something - right, but what does it really mean?   I didn't do online dating for this reason.  And now I'm online dating.  What the fuck!

Here you are conversing (the only way you can - messaging) and if they don't respond, you have no way of knowing who else they're talking to, are you boring them to death, do you talk to much?  You don't want to be a bother and they can't see you talking or hear you (unless there's a video) and they don't know you.  (How can they really?)  Talk about a surefire way to question your self-esteem, too.  And then there's all these DM's with ungodly and perverse messages coming from all these random people and pictures of things your ex didn't even send you.  Ewwww!  No one has any respect.  And it's easy because everyone's hiding behind something.  And if you do meet someone you must ingratiate by way of dance of bullshit - and they are amazing, you're still fucked.  Chances are they live 3000 miles away.  They have their own life.  They're not going anywhere.  You have your life.  You're not going anywhere. 

Ugh!  I hate this - I'm becoming a realist and I don't want to be - I like hope and optimism.  I feel it all just slipping away.  And I'm going to end up being crotchety and a cat lady.  I'm too warm and lovely and fun for that.  But maybe I'm just not ready for any of this.   Sadly, I don't know that I ever will be.  I don't know - maybe there's advice somewhere from someone on how to not be a catlady...?

 

Dear Diary - YOU SUCK!

I haven't felt this alone in a really, really long time. 

I feel like I'm coming apart, like I'm being pulled in a million different directions.  No worse, it's more like being quartered.  Not by my limbs, but my brain, my heart, my emotions, my eyes and my sad pathetic forsaken soul.  Not a simple rip at the seams either, more like being shredded by daggers and knives.  I've always managed one way or another to climb out of the graves I've dug for myself.  I've always found a way out or found a way back onto solid ground.  ....maybe I just thought I did.  Maybe I pushed so many things aside I never really dealt with any of it.  Maybe I was so busy making baby steps forward and forcing changes in my life I didn't deal with the real bullshit.  Maybe it's all been stuffed down for so long, that it's all just brimming and brewing and bubbling just beneath the surface, ready to blow like a volcano just awakened.  I can't get my footing.  I can't grab hold of anything.  I feel like I'm blindly reaching and swatting my own hand away.  I have absolutely no one I can talk to.  No one.  Not a fucking living soul.  Not one single solitary person that will listen and I cant begin to tell you just how much (for the first time, ever) I'm admitting I need someone I can trust and someone that will just let my broken heart bleed for a few minutes all over them.  All I have is this blog.  This stupid ridiculous fucking blog and I'll debate for days over whether I'll ever post this.  Thank gawd I have this blog and you, my few readers.  Still - this blog makes me far too vulnerable.  I'll just write and write and write and pray that all this bottled up pain eventually subsides and passes.  You'll be the only one I shed my skin with and I'll walk away and pretend like it never happened.  Me - the girl that always claims I can't fake it until I make it. 

I've reached a tipping point.  Over the last week or so, I've reached out to a few people.  Only those I believed to be someone that maybe, just maybe I could vent to. I haven't been forthright in just how important it is that I need to talk, but I've said enough, I've said I am dealing with some things and I'm not doing well.  If you know me, I don't reach out to people.  I don't handle disappointment well (does anybody) - it squelches that burning fire of hope that I constantly carry with me.  This isn't easy to carry.  I stumble and fall in the dark - hell I stumble and fall in the light of day.  I experience sadness just as deeply as I experience joy.  There are 2 speeds for me.  Furious and Falling.  I have tried to find a median, sometimes I do really well, other times (like now) I'm falling furiously fast on a downward spiral.  Anyway - I find most people disappoint when it comes to being there selflessly for someone else.  This isn't just something new, I've felt it Most of my life - I have always done everything, I have always been the rock, I am always the one everyone goes to, I'm great with advice and I'm sincere and real and I rarely will judge people - so quite often people trust me and everyone leans on me.  And that's okay, I've known since I was very young that I Am on my own and possibly the only one I can or ever will be able to depend on.  I know that I'm not like everyone else.

I won't say I'm a great friend.  I'm not.  I honestly try very hard though, to be a good friend.  I try to be there for people.  I really do, if someone needs me, needs money, needs food, is sick, whatever - I will give them the shirt off my back.  I feel hollow and empty.  I thought I was really hurting before, then I got into an argument with my daughter.  It was of epic proportions and in the process she revealed some very real pain that's been hurting her and imbedded in her soul.  Now I'm worse - and it's all my fault.  She's hurting, but she's hurting for me.  She's always there for everyone.  She's the one that takes care of everyone.  She's the one that everyone tells their secrets to, she's a lot like me - but a much better person.  She's so angry, angry that no one will help or be the person to me that I am to other people.  She said she's just so tired of watching me struggle every day of my life.  She said she's tired of all the liars and all the people that just use and use and use and hurt and rarely ever give back not even a shred of the love I give.  These are her words.  It broke my heart - right there I fell and I've never fallen that hard - all the pieces of my heart fell into a million slivers and I don't know that I'll never be able to put them back together.  All I could do was grab her beautiful face in both my hands and beg her to stop crying.  I hugged her and tried to comfort her.  What do you say to that?  How do you respond?  How do you fix it?  How do you comfort your child that's been desperately trying to carry the weight and burdens you unknowingly put on her?   Looks like I'm quite an asshole and also a pretty awful parent.  My poor kids. 

My brother has begged me to seek counseling.  I have promised that I will and it looks like I may have no other choice. 

I started writing this yesterday, but was overcome with emotion so I couldn't finish it.   Today I will finish it and I've decided I will, in fact, publish it.  I don't care if you judge me.  I'm hurting and it's too painful to leave bottled up.  In the process of introspection and coming to terms with everything that's going on in my life, I'm dealing with things I don't like about myself and I want very much to change them, I really want to be a better person.  A lot of this pain I have, has also hurt some people I care about.  Though some of the things I say will sound like validation to my actions, it's not I am sorry for acting out like a child in desperation.  I don't know what to do and I won't pretend to know.  I'm going through life without a handbook like everyone else and I'm not fucking perfect.  I want so much for just one person, just for once to really just fucking be there for me.  Just one person.  That for when I reach out - that you're there.  And not my kids - I've obviously burdened them far too much.  .... and I really don't want to go to an office and sit with someone cold and unemotional to say my deepest and most intimate thoughts and fears to and not have someone wrap their arms around me and tell me - that everything is going to be okay.  To stop being so damn hard on myself, everyone makes mistakes and my struggles will someday end. 

(A note to my readers - I wake up every day and I take at least 15 minutes to think about all the positive wonderful and amazing things and people in my life - I'm not a negative person - but everyone has their moments and right now, I'm having a major moment.  So as I write this and many of you read my blog - know that I'm writing this in the full understanding that you are that person, silent and anonymous, you are my sounding board - you are instrumental in my reparations to my mental health and getting back to being my normal witty, funny, sarcastic and positive self.  I can't tell you how grateful I am that you read my disturbing and crazy posts - but I truly appreciate you and appreciate having this outlet in my life and look forward to it)

Quite often when I'm in pain - I recognize something awful that I do (and for the record, knowing is half the battle, I admit this is an issue and it's a recent revelation that I do this and now I will make every concerted effort I can to change it - because I want to be a better me)...  if I'm reaching out to someone (I'm usually very specific in my selection process) and they don't pick up on my truly fragile state, I have a tendency to immediately lash out.  So funny, so ironic too.  I'm reaching out for help, and in the exact moment that I sense that person is going to fail me and not be receptive - I don't just push them, I shove as hard as I possibly can. 

My words can bite.  One thing I know about me.  If I'm hurt or angry - and I just want to be heard.  I just want the person to shut up for just a few minutes and hear what I have to say - not interrupt, not cut me off, not get distracted by a multitude of other things, not ignore me, not turn off their listening skills and not offer up unsolicited advice.  I just want to be fucking heard.  No matter how ridiculous or stupid or insane or emotional I am - I really just want to be heard.  Yes, that's all.  And if you genuinely care about me, you will want to understand this.  I don't need affection - though I crave and love it.  I just need you to listen.  I will be extremely passionate in articulating my thoughts and in a very very vulnerable and emotional state.  I will blow up.  And just like that - just as soon as it all escapes my lips and I begin to breathe.  I'm okay.  I immediately slow down and I'm no longer angry or upset.  You've been kind enough to hear me, I immediately start to heal and recover.  And all I have done is taken up just a few precious minutes of your life where you've given your sole attention to me, you've allowed me to have a voice that I so desperately needed to have and had hoped you'd allow me and you did.  I can smile now and it isn't fake or phony.  In fact, it might light up the room because I am so beyond happy.  Now I can fall helpless and hopeful into your arms as you hold me.

DO not underestimate the power this has for me.  I don't trust easily and I so rarely will actually look to someone and let them in my world.  Yes - I am terrified of being hurt, I'm terrified that someone will take my puny little heart and stomp all over it and use it all against me - yes, know I am crazy.  Only a crazy person could survive what I have survived and come out as strong as I am.  I am tough, I am wonder woman, I will be the last one standing in the zombie apocalypse - but it is still just a fragile easily broken, barely beating hopeful heart. 
 

Lunar Eclipse

On Wednesday, there is a lunar eclipse.  Why is this so important to me?

 

Because I'm obsessed with the moon.  My Moon.  In truth, a lot of the flow of my life ebbs with the moon.  I don't know why or how but I think there's always celestial involvement.  Maybe just because I want to believe...

Lunar eclipse's occur when the earth's shadow blocks the sun's light on the moon.  There are three types of lunar eclipses - total, partial and penumbral (early wee morning hours before dawn).  Wednesday will be a penumbral eclipse.  So I'll be up at the butt-crack of dawn, to see it.  Eclipses only happen when there's a full moon.  It is a true phenomenon.  Most people don't stop to think about that aspect, though. 

"Because the moon’s orbit around Earth lies in a slightly different plane than Earth’s orbit around the sun, perfect alignment for an eclipse doesn’t occur at every full moon. A total lunar eclipse develops over time, typically a couple hours for the whole event. Here’s how it works: Earth casts two shadows that fall on the moon during a lunar eclipse: The umbra is a full, dark shadow. The penumbra is a partial outer shadow. The moon passes through these shadows in stages. The initial and final stages — when the moon is in the penumbral shadow — are not so noticeable, so the best part of an eclipse is during the middle of the event, when the moon is in the umbral shadow.

Total eclipses are a freak of cosmic happenstance. Ever since the moon formed, about 4.5 billion years ago, it has been inching away from our planet (by about 1.6 inches, or 4 centimeters per year). The setup right now is perfect: the moon is at the perfect distance for Earth’s shadow to cover the moon totally, but just barely. Billions of years from now, that won’t be the case."

As I've stated a hundred times before - I think (believe) that the planets and moon do have an impact on human behavior.  Have I found circumstantial evidence - absolutely not, but I don't need it. Faith is blind.  It's an idea.  In truth there's little scientific research now in celestial movement and it's effects on human moods. 

While there's nothing to back it up.  Here are a few beliefs that go hand in hand with a full moon, let alone a lunar eclipse. 

• It was thought that pregnant women should not be out in the open air, during a full moon.  As it was said that if they did, their unborn child would have either physical or mental defects and their children too would have physical and/or mental defects.  
• Hindus believe neither food nor water is edible during a full moon. 
• There is strong evidence that the full moon affects menstrual cycles and fertility.
• Some believe that during an eclipse there were more heart related diseases, breathing trouble, coughs, colds, insomnia, stress, impatience, insecurity, indecisiveness, fear and mood swings.  That exposing yourself to open lunar eclipse may even lead to mental imbalance and lunacy.  (lots of people like to blame their behavior on a full moon - it's even worse during an lunar eclipse)
• Doctors were far more leery and less likely to operate during a full moon or a lunar eclipse.  It was thought that the blood didn't coagulate correctly or might be tainted.  Patients tended to bleed more heavily, less controllable like the tides in the ocean. 
• Having heart surgery during a lunar eclipse, sometimes meant less recovery time spent in the hospital and it was even thought that patients would be less likely to die during surgery than other patients having surgery during other moon phases.
• There's an uptick or increase in the number of babies being born during a full moon.
• Also believed that the full moon has an affect on sleeping habits. 

I personally, like to believe there's truly positive vibes and positive energy that come from/with the lunar eclipse.  So I offer something else worth considering and it certainly doesn't hurt to try... 

"The Lunar Eclipse meditation:
You can do this anytime between the Lunar Eclipse and the next New Moon.  Think of the things in your life you would like to bring to a close, finish, or end. That contract you want to get signed, that job you want to finish. That guilty feeling. That unhealthy relationship. That nasty smoking habit.
Take some time to sit in a quiet space and breathe. Visualize the inner workings of that habit, the issue, the situation, as people. Give them names and faces! My addicted smoker and my inner doctor. My gentle self and my angry self. Visualize them each holding one end of a rope, like a tug of war. They can see each other now, how can they better understand one another? How can they work together to achieve balance? Picture each one gently dropping their end of the rope.
You have just asked for assistance from the universe to clear out old energies and make room for the things you want to bring in. There is great power in this request."

To me, because it happens at the beginning of Spring, I believe it's definitely an indicator of winter coming to a close.  I'd like to believe it's symbolic of new beginnings, fresh starts and abundant life.  Caterpillars becoming butterflies, vibrant lovely flowers in bloom everywhere, fresh green leaves and rain that renews the soil and earth. 

Wishing you all great and wonderful new beginnings and hoping you try to see the beautiful lunar eclipse, a real phenomenon.

- See more at: http://www.mollysastrology.com/astrology-tutorials/eclipse

- See more at: http://www.space.com/15689-lunar-eclipses.html#sthash.usj6Z8ve.dpuf

Shhhhh...I have a secret!!

 https://youtu.be/HzNFwxsSPwU


Secret(s)
play

adjective se·cret \ˈsē-krət\

           Simple Definition of secret

 

: kept hidden from others

: known to only a few people

: keeping information hidden from others

 

I laugh, it's really no laughing matter.  Possibly nervous laughter, because I worried so much about something and I needn't not worry at all.  It all makes sense now. 

Trust, loyalty, respect.  Sadly most people can not comprehend what those words mean.  All I can tell you is, they're more than words.

I will caution you.  Sneaking around can and will hurt more people than you can imagine.  I'm not judging - this comes from a place of familiarity and a simple word of truth.  I'm certain if you stop to think about things, you'll figure it out.  Silly me, I thought there was something awful I had done or something someone had said to provoke such silence.  Well - at least now I know why I've been given the cold shoulder.  Secrets.

Secrets can be destructive.  As we all know.  We all keep secrets, whether they're our own personal secrets or someone else's.  Holding onto secrets can be the undoing for some.  Sadly, not being selective in whom you tell your secrets to, can be your own undoing. 

I have trust issues.  I have but a few secrets left.  They're mostly secrets that only I know about.  Most secrets I've ever shared with anyone - sadly, has been told or shared with someone else.  (and then people close to me, wonder why I have trust issues)  I have learned I simply can not trust anyone other than my kids.  It's true.  It's also sad.  Not even my closest friends can keep a secret, not even my previous lovers. 

Of course, there are dangers to keeping secrets.  The saying goes, "You're only as sick as your secrets."  What does that even mean?  What do you do, when someone shares a secret with you and the magnitude of the fall out could be devastating?  Especially if they feel compelled to confess, how does that work for the other person involved?   It's tricky!  Best think on your actions and if it's worth the price ultimately.

Secrets can create overwhelming guilt for some people.  That guilt can become toxic and unhealthy. Revealing secrets is ostensibly in the eye of the beholder.  Everyone has their own inner moral compass and what may seem horrific to one person, might not even measure as bad to another.  I love asking people to tell me something no one else knows - everyone, EVERYONE says, "I don't have any secrets, my life is an open book."  Quite often, I find everyone has secrets.  We stuff them down so far, that we forget there are skeletons. 

If someone comes to you, confides in you and asks you to not to tell anyone.  And you agree...  Then you are obligated to keep and maintain that promise.  Don't let your loose lips share their secrets.  They came to you because they trust you.  Trust is the hardest thing in the world to give and the easiest thing to destroy.  It kills me to hear people talking about LOYALTY, as if people understand what the word or the idea really means.  And if someone shares something with you and it's too much to bear - tell that person you don't feel like you can keep that secret.  Give them an opportunity to do something with the situation before you go running your mouth.  Again TRUST. 

Beware of those too eager to hear your secrets or the secrets of someone else.  Trust. Secrecy, Privacy, Silence and Openness.  Paradoxically - secrets have the power to both unite people and divide them.  Make no mistake the power secrets have over us is beyond our understanding.  Secrets can shatter lives.  Sometimes it can bridge communication gaps in relationships. 

Secrets are some of the reasons fueling our biggest fears of judgment.  People's biggest fear is not death, but humiliation and judgment.  Still we manage to feed this sickness.  We keep secrets, we create secrets and then become terrified that someone may inevitably learn our secrets and judge us.  Psychology is fascinating.  It is natural for human nature to follow the root of emotion.  It doesn't always mean it's the right choice.  So we make a poor choice and then spend far too much time trying to cover everything up.  Worried about hurting this person, or what they might think, or whatever it might be.  Why do we fear judgment so much?  Who cares what someone else thinks...?  Maybe that someone is your kid.  Maybe they've always looked up to you and held you in the highest respect and now they've learned you did something they think is disgustingly horrible.  Their judgment has left you spinning.  That's why we all stand in fear of being judged.  We are so afraid that our secrets are going to be worse than those secrets kept by the people we care most for, and that they will stand in judgment of us. 

Guess what - no one, and I do mean absolutely no one has the right to stand in judgment of someone else.  We all want to give our opinions and share "brutal truths" guess what - who cares!!!  Make how you see yourself the most important thing to you.  Everything else is just chatter.  Be the person that doesn't have to worry about what someone is going to think of your secrets.  If someone loves you and trusts you enough to share intimate details of their life with you - keep them intimate.  Trust, Loyalty and Respect are fundamental to healthy relationships.  If you lack these, it's time to think about whether these are healthy relationships.  Just sayin.

 

"The Wolf"

Quite possibly - my favorite song right now..
https://youtu.be/BsP-MjIueL4

"The Wolf"
Wide-eyed with a heart made full of fright
Your eyes follow like tracers in the night
And the tightrope that you wander every time
You have been weighed, you have been found wanting

Been wondering for days
How you felt me slip your mind
Leave behind your wanton ways
I want to learn to love in kind
'Cause You were all I ever longed for

Sheltered, you better keep the wolf back from the door
[Album version:] He wanders ever closer every time
[Music video version:] He wanders ever closer every night
And how he waits, baying for blood
I promised you everything would be fine

Been wondering for days
How you felt me slip your mind
Leave behind your wanton ways
I want to learn to love in kind
'Cause You were all I ever longed for

Hold my gaze love, you know I want to let it go
We will stare down at the wonder of it all
And I-I will hold you in it and I-I will hold you in it

Been wondering for days
How you felt me slip your mind
Leave behind your wanton ways
I want to look you in the eye
'Cause You were all I ever longed for

Been wondering for days
How you felt me slip your mind
Leave behind your wanton ways
I want to learn to love in kind
'Cause You were all I ever longed for

just be real

Why is dating so complicated?  ....And when did texting become the main line for communication?  Why doesn't anyone talk?  Look me in my eyes and talk to me, tell me about you - show me you're interested.  Or let's talk on the phone, texting is so blah!  and...if you're not interested, or just want sex - be HONEST - I loathe lies....  Is it really so wrong, that I want to be wooed?  I want romance.  I want to laugh.  I want to get to know you.  I want you to want to know me.  ....and why does everyone feel the need to portray a fake image of themselves?  Don't claim to be an honest person - if you're intentions are anything but... and please... Just be real, be you. 
 



I can't possibly be the only one struggling with this.  I know somebody else concurs with me.  I don't know what has happened, but I know this can't be par for the course.  Maybe I'm too naïve and too gullible.  And -  I get it, some of you are really just looking for some immediate gratification.  I'm not that girl!  SO.  Let's not waste each other's time.  Do I want sex?  Of course, I want sex - I want lots of it, I just don't want casual sex.  I want sex with someone that's going to take their time to get to know me and vice versa - and well that's just not ... casual. 



I'm not your typical sweet innocent girl, I know I'm a walking contradiction, I'm bossy and a pain in the ass - but, man am I worth it!!   A weak man won't know what to do with a girl like me.  I'd like it though, if a guy would put forth a little effort, because I do want you to work for it.  I want to know that you don't just like me, but that you fucking crave me.  I want to be consumed by passion.  I want you to be consumed by passion.  I want you to blow my mind, because if you can blow my mind, my body will follow.  I want you to call me on my bullshit and I don't want you to turn tail and run because I call you on yours.  Yes - I want a guy that's willing to go the distance.  Of course, this is all in the spectrum of you realizing I'm worth it.  And without having to say it - reciprocity.  I wouldn't ask for something I'm not also willing to give.


Why is it so wrong for me to know what I want?  Is it really that crazy that in this day and age, when we all have baggage and failed relationships - that I, we should have some idea of what we want and what we don't want.  I'm tired of meeting the representatives.  I'd love some good honest conversation with a nice guy...And I know....  The right guy will appreciate what all of this means, because he will want the same thing. 

"I do not desire a mediocre love, I want to drown in someone."

 

...letting go

"If someone wants you - absolutely nothing will keep them away, but if they don't love you - absolutely nothing can make them stay." 

"The woman that does not require validation from anyone else, is the most feared individual on the planet."

"You will love who you love, if you really love them. Nothing can stop that. Not death, not distance, not judgment nor deceit.  You will love who you love. "

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim.  Accept no one's definition of 'your' life, but instead define yourself." ~Tim Fields

"If they don't love you, for You, nothing you do or say will make them love you. So stop trying to prove that you're good enough for them."

If I have to chase and fight for your attention, eventually I won't want it anymore.

"She will chase you around for a while; but there's going to be a day when she's going to stop running in circles around you. She's going to get over you and at that very moment you will wish you had let her catch you." 

One day she woke up and realized she was worth so much more.  She realized she'd be better off alone than to chase after someone that never really wanted to be caught.

Some of us think holding on, is what makes us stronger.  Truth is, we only find real strength, when we learn to let go.

Why allow yourself to get hung up on someone, who's clearly not interested in you?  You end up being invisible to the person you want to see you the most.

 "You can close your eyes to things you don't want to see; but you can't close your heart to things you don't want to feel." 

Terrible Movies...

I love movies, especially terrible cheesy movies. I do. Zombies(anything zombies), Vampires, 12-foot spiders, Sharknado(s), etc... this list goes on and on. Give me Tarantino! I love a great movie. Throw in some sex and violence and I am completely sold. Yes - I am one of 'those' people. I digress. I could spend all day under blankets watching terrible movies. And to me that is not a waste of a day, especially if you have someone to watch movies with you. I normally have so much to do and get done in a day - it would be epic to spend a Sunday doing nothing but watching TV. Alas, there is no special someone to spend all day in bed with and watch terrible movies...

Storytellers

How quickly things can unravel.  I truly am naïve, on an epic level.  So epic, I'm embarrassed and feeling so foolish right now.  It's disheartening when you realize that your optimism can work so cruelly against you.  There are definitive moments in your life, where - you stand there kicking yourself and licking your wounds, wishing you were a realist or pessimist - instead of never wavering in the hopes that you can hold people to their word.  It's so difficult for me.  Maybe if I just assumed everyone was a liar, then I wouldn't keep getting hurt.  I sound so stupid, because I make a conscious effort and decision every day, to see everything and everyone as respectable.  I'd like to believe that people are generally honest and good.  This is proving to be too painful a learning process for me. 

For all the personal growth within the last six months, it's these moments that can do a lot of damage.  It's not so easy as I just come undone.  It's more like, I stew on things and I think about them.  Then the emotional roller coaster begins.  First, there's shock; why or how people have become so numb to being so mean is just beyond my grasp.  Which is followed by disbelief; me telling myself that that can't be right, they wouldn't do that to me - would they?  To a, oh wow, holy shit that's just unbelievable!  This person is a total douche, so now anger and disdain are starting to settle in.  Now, I'm hot - I'm pissed, and I can't even formulate how or when I intend to grab them by their stupid necks and squeeze as hard as I can until their head's pop off.  Yes - that's what I see in my head - (more of a cartoon, but that's my humor trying to calm me down).  Now, I'm totally lost in my thoughts.  And I want so much to tell them what a bastard they are - but no, not me.  I rebuke bitterness.  You'd think it would be the dark speaking - No - it's fucking love and light that starts speaking.  No - so now I'm second-guessing myself and about to lay down on the floor so I can be trampled on once again.  (there's some pessimism!!!)  Instead - I reach out and yet again extend an olive branch.  I try once more to let people make a better choice, to 'please' prove me wrong - so I can have the hell shocked out of me.  Blow my mind!  Everyone knows I prefer painful truths to a lie. 

These moments tend to hurt the most, they can set me way, way back.  Don't let me be alone with my thoughts after I've been lied to - it's just silly how I believe people are good and honest.  Worst part is, it's not even like I'm putting expectations out there - I'm honestly just taking people at their word.  I don't understand why or how people can be so cruel.   

Nobody really knows my life or my struggles.  Even those closest to me, know that I hide a great deal of my personal pain and suffering.  They know I don't always share all the intimate details and that I'm not comfortable with opening up.  Trust is a huge thing for me.  And I just don't trust anyone anymore.  Here I go, backsliding again.  Just when I start to feel really good and open up to beautiful new and wonderful things happening in my life - somebody lies to me.  Sadly, it's not a small white lie.  It's often a big lie and I feel defeated and it's crushing.  I feel myself retreating and withdrawing.  I'm holding on - hoping for the vulnerable feeling to pass.  I want to keep myself open because I really want to try and trust again.  I really want good things in my life.  Not just for myself but for all the other people in my life. 

What I wouldn't give to have my grandmother, my Nani here - she would listen, she'd make everything better.  She'd show love with the simplest touch, with the sweetest smile, and an understanding look in her eyes that let me know she truly cared.  I'd feel burdens and weight lifted.  She didn't always give advice, so when she did - I'd scoot to the edge of my seat and listen attentively.  She would pray and give more love in that time than most people will give over their lifetime.  She is an Angel, and her love and memories are all I have left of her.  When I think about what she'd tell me to do if this happened - she'd say to keep my eyes and heart open and remain full of hope.  She'd tell me not to let the pain harden my heart, she'd tell me to stay positive, to have faith and trust that this is what was supposed to happen and I'd be stronger for it.  I'd never question her. 

I am questioning everything now.  I just wonder how much stronger do I need to be?  And for how much longer?  I'd really just love for someone to blow my mind.  Please!!  Could someone PLEASE just be honest with me?   I'm so tired of all the storytellers...