Finding the Courage

I believe my child-like eyes have deceived me and my ego has taken a nasty hit. Everything I thought I knew, well. I feel like I'm 18 again and trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Seems ridiculous, to be here again. I'm an adult, aren't I? Trying to gain control of a downward spiral is truly challenging. The lingering affect still burns, but I will always find my way. Of course, I choose now to stop, re-evaluate everything and conjure up some courage. Though, I'd say Courage was never an issue for me. In fact, friends say I like to charge head-on. I have to conquer my fears, it's just part of who I am. Sure I could change, but do I want to? The inner turmoil and multitude of conflict seems to center around that one little question. The answer could change everything. So I'm going to weigh in as much as I can without truly revealing much at all. One could say I have changed, only to revisit that same One, that could say I'm flawed and in need of some change. Well perhaps there's truth to all of it. We're human, and to grow and develop is natural. It's also natural to hold onto things ideas or images. So often we revisit our past, and that's good. It's meant to be a measuring stick in our lives, to know how far we've come and how far we have to go. There are precious memories and nostalgia, wisdom and experiences to draw from, but the problem with the past is, it's also haunting and debilitating. Giving us proclivities that won't allow for change - sub-conscious defense mechanisms kick in naturally. So why is so much of a good thing also a bad thing? Truth is, there are things in my life that have come undone. Some good, some bad. What matters is I'm pushing forward. I can throw all my cards in the air, and wait to see where they fall or I can snatch an Ace out of the air if I'm talented enough. Either way, no risk no gain. I'm backed against a wall and I will claw, bite, punch, and do whatever is necessary to get beyond the obstacles. I don't have all the answers. No one does. No one's life is sanctimonious. We are all flawed. Guess it's what comes with being human. I can't make promises to others before making them to myself. Not left to my own devices, but choosing to make my own decisions. It is afterall my life. I don't keep my own counsel, I just march to my own beat, I'm my own drummer. Why is it right for anyone to tell me how to live my life? Why is it so easy for others to have my life all figured out - when they need to do some house-keeping. Don't judge me. Walk 10 feet in my heels, it's impossible. I don't pretend to have all the answers for other people's lives, nor do I weigh in with judgement - so what gives anybody the right to judge me? I will NOT go quietly into the night. I never have before. I was born a fighter, I will always be a fighter, and I am proud of my courage to fight. I have faith in my, this girl will ALWAYS find her way.