Through burning tears she struggled to see the road ahead. She was chasing ghosts and an inner voice that kept screaming "go, just drive". It had seemed like a good idea. She had been surprised with herself, not knowing she could still be so foolish for a man. Not after everything she'd been through. It just didn't seem plausible - it was impossible to believe this guy had penetrated her heart, even after discarding her so easily, once before. ...it was eye-opening. As that familiar pain welled up inside her, her heart would break once more. She really loved him. The jesture was juvenile, and she had abandoned responsibility and driven to show him how much he meant, how much she loves and cares for him. Not that anything that escaped her lips that night would help.
She had simply wanted him to stay. Oh how she had been enjoying his company. Strangely, he insisted on leaving. Many a night they had burned the midnight oil well into the wee hours of the morn, and on more than a few occasions in a week. This didn't sit right, or perhaps it was the alcohol, why had he been so adamant? Perplexed, she thought since his biggest complaint recently had been that they weren't spending enough time together, she should go see him. They had gone to bed by 11 the night before and the night before that. No matter how many times she revisited the conversations over the past couple weeks, things weren't adding up.
Why was he being revered and respected for dipping into her friend pool within 2 days of a break-up? That was unexpected behavior, she hadn't anticipated that. Nor did it fall along the lines of doing the right thing. He prided himself on that, so why this? Had his over-inflated ego blurred his vision?
She had known for a few days about the truth and his visit to his sister's house for dinner. He had gone into great detail on her inability to cook and how they had ordered out. How they had had a few drinks and discussed plans for Christmas.
Taking her for a fool, he had disrespected and undermined her intelligence. She waited and hoped he would clear the air, she even revisited conversations to give the opportunity. She knew about the day off, how he had cleaned his place and car spotless. He was getting ready for what he had hoped would be a good time. Later he would go on to say his date had serious jealousy and trust issues and he washow it had frightened him about her obvious pride in doling out vengeance through violence.
Yes, she was overwhelmed with joy when he had called her - he wanted to be held by her. After so much push-back all week and his being steadfast in his decision. (one she had misconstrued as just a fight) Looking back now she wonders if his disappointment in his date left him lonely. Does this mean his actions that night were veiled in lies? Why hadn't he not prevailed upon honesty and told her the truth? Didn't he know that office was a rumor mill? And word had spread quickly like wildfire.
Had she become his second or third choice? Over the last few months when other opportunities to do something with other people presented themselves, he seemed far more content to oblige them. Even in the midst of their come home to honesty and let's fix our relationship, he kept a lunchdate with a friend, he had just seen two days prior. When she asked why, he responded with 'he liked to keep his word'.
He was always doing all the fun stuff without her, explained only by his need to not be alone. True, she was a single Mom and the burden of being both parents would fall on her often, giving her less time to herself or with him. She thought he understood, as he had two girls of his own. She had always been honest, letting him know how she had wished she could be with him.
What now presents itself is how disturbingly at ease he is with the idea of giving up. Egg shells break under her feet. When asked how or why on any subject matter, his statement is how he will not stand for a cross-examination. 97% of the of their flare ups would be blamed on her urge to share her opinion so honestly or her feelings. Many a fight was beyond the realm of ridiculous, what should have been discussion, could turn on a moment. Nasty words and insults ensued from both their mouths, the sting could bite through steel. His growing discomfort with her was becoming more and more evident. All he could say was how self-focused she had become and what about his feelings. Some of those issues revolved around many of their unresolved issues. And never mind that romance seemed to escape either of them. She was trying to ground herself and everything in her world spun out of control and it all fell apart so quick there was no denying her struggle. Her mind spread so thin, so inevitably he felt neglected. But had he become blind to his own issues?
How could something bigger than the moon, fall to earth at lightning speed? Who was to blame? Were either of them any more to blame than the other? Life had been going on and getting in the way, all the while their absence to each other would have an impact on both begging perilous questions. But fate had been decided, more than a year ago. Though her heart battled her logical mind, she already known for some time. In her heart, she knew his love wasn't true, her purpose had been served. She had helped to heal him and been there for him and when it was great - it was beyond words, he had cherished her so deeply, but he had changed. She knew she saw something in him, she hadn't seen before.
Nothing is perfect and anything worth having, usually comes at a cost. To say she didn't love him unconditionally would be untrue, and she just couldn't lie to herself. Letting go is never easy, and her past proved over and over again that it is still the hardest thing for her to do. She will always love him, he will always have a special place in her heart. She will forever mourn the incredible friendship they once shared. This will surely prove to be the most difficult of all to let go.
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