I am struggling with the idea of any kind of love other than that which I can offer myself. If you want full disclosure and honesty.

I am finding the idea of love more and more a collapsible dream I have entertained for far too long. 

Ghosting, the new norm

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2020/02/13/ghosting-is-normal-now-thats-completely-bonkers/?arc404=true

It’s crazy, I know. But this is what it has come to in our society today. For some reason unbeknownst to me, it has become socially acceptable to now ghost the person you’re dating. Where did we go wrong?

This hits home. Sadly. And looking back, I wonder if I too have been guilty of just cutting people off. I have. Yes, sadly. I’d like to think it was more me pleading with someone to understand that I had no interest or intention of pursuing anything and simply stopped all communication after tactfully explaining I had no interest. But some would argue that I ghosted them.

Truth is, we have moved from actual dating to some sort of online coupling where the emotional bond felt so real, we pursued an online long distance romance. We actually believed we connected. I honestly thought we had. And apparently so did a number of us. Only to find its impossible to connect online. Without physical presence and touch the connection isn’t a true connection. Im not saying there aren’t real relationships existing out there. There absolutely are!

Hear me out. What I am saying is, unless you are able to physically touch and be in the presence of said interest, is it sustainable? As a society we light it up on social media. Even the introverts have a presence now, one they wouldn’t have in a true social setting. We all have become so brave online. The extroverts just bask in the attention, the introverts get social validation and those in between can smugly sit on either side of the fence.

I find myself less and less interactive with people in social settings, mostly because I find I am the odd man out, and I don't fit in. Do I take a walk on the wild side and enjoy time out with friends, yes. But I much prefer my own company or speaking my own truth via various social media platforms. Am I an introvert? No. Am I an extrovert? I used to be, but now find my tolerance very low and find myself moody or inept to perform as a show pony now. I have become a recluse taking stabs at things I used to enjoy instigating in real life, now I take shots from behind a keyboard. I digress though.

Ghosting is painful. Especially when you’re not living much of a social life and you’ve cut yourself off from the normal drama and casual conversation. You become reliant on these crushes and i terests to entertain you and we spin a whole world around our love interests that we honestly don’t get to see. In the beginning theres talking over each other and sharing and commonalities we cant get enough of each other. Then something happens on one side or the other that grounds that person. We draw back and dial it down. Reality becomes clear as the stardust settles. Sure maybe you FaceTime here or there or share photos or videos and go on rambling on the phone or filling text after text with your day and questions about their day, but there’s little connection. And one begins to drift away. It is all in our heads. And it’s all so very real. So when we get ghosted by someone we thought cared about us, it’s devastating. It flips our world upside down. Never mind add insult to injury, we are clueless as to how it was we went from a pedestal to someone simply not giving a shit enough to actually say, hey you annoy me, hey I met someone else, or piss off you're coo coo.

Ghosting isn't just making waves in a digital romance either. Actual dating is daunting. And when someone has an interest in someone and it’s not mutual, not answering a call or a text seems the most reasonable way of saying, hey this doesn’t work for me. Some of us would rather not want to know why it didn’t work, so ghosting seems okay at the time. We figure not a lot of time has been invested and if we simply stop responding then we dont have to face up to it. We are not all built the same. Some of us need to know why you chose to move on. If people can be oblivious to world events, then surely you must understand they are oblivious to clues you may have been subtle in giving. I could literally play devils advocate on either side of this subject.

After days, then weeks, then months you begin to question every single thing you shared. You begin to wonder if you’re certifiable. How do you recover? Can you even fully recover from it? We don’t log off  social media either. We share it all. Piece by piece. Sometimes this helps us recover, sometimes it helps someone else going through the same thing and sometimes we go back to those memories and run every detail through our head. We don’t even let ourselves heal, we just redirect our attention elsewhere. The pain doesn’t subside or leave, it just traps the next obsession in a glass cage they have no idea even existed. Then we wait for the other shoe to fall with that person. It’s now cyclical and there’s no jumping off this merry go round.

We all want closure. Truth is, we may not always get it and we just have to learn how to let go and be smarter about who we date next and how we date. If we have character, we choose not to ghost people. Personally I think ghosting is a cowardly way of dodging sticky emotions, but like I said, even I have done it.

Look, ghosting hurts like hell. Just don’t do it. Man up and own up. Being honest with ourselves makes it easier to be honest with others. Once you've become an honest person, ghosting won’t be considered an option. 

our song

relationships are not love songs

but my how I wish they were

would you turn up the volume to our song

or change the channel because it has played for too long

Few of my favorites

I like sunshowers and silk, tulips and fresh paint, I love the electricity that fills the air just before big storm and the feel of any fluffy fluffy animal. I like swirly things and the color red or the stars on a clear night. I love the big beautiful full moon, I just love the moon anytime really. I love a light rain with salty air on the beach on a breezy night. I like black lace and pedicures, back rubs, a good hair day and a tasty chapstick. I love immersing myself in a great book that tears into me. I love funny love stories, the real ones. I love jeans that fit just right with a killer pair of new shoes. And a beautiful gift or card that is true to who you are and to the someone that made it or gifted it to you, I like knowing they took their time. I love a great joke a real funny witty one-liner and any movie that makes me laugh and/or cry. I love when people sing along to the lyrics, sometimes they know them and sometimes they just make shit up I just like to see them sing.

I love the sound of my kids laughing and a smile from a stranger on a rough day. I love a meal cooked with love and intention. I love to listen to people speak about their passion and watch them light up. I love when people are kind to someone who can do nothing for them. I love to see people gather on holidays or in celebration. I love to people watch, my favorite place to do this is the airport. I love the way hardback book smells and I love knowing no matter what is going on in my life I can always find a song to express how I feel. 

Eyes that Mock me

I weep
For sadness is my friend
I don’t feel alone
I just don’t feel

Eyes that mock me
And soulless men surround me 

Out of reach

your love holds the temperance of my heart
your eyes carry love stories
how they invite me into your secrets
my reflection seen lost
losing myself in worlds out of my reach

Will

Will the stars whisper my name to you
Will you remember the warmth of my voice as they twinkle
Will you search for the moon as it waits to see my silhouette dancing in it’s glow
Will you lose yourself in the sweet smell of jasmine as it kisses my fair skin
Will the wind carry my sighs softly to your ears and hold you still
Will you groan in the sting of wanting to taste my soft lips
Fold me into your heart and wrap me in your love

Sweet madness

Even flowers can bloom in a pile of trash
Ribs are just cages for the real beasts
Strum the chords and settle my soul
No one can save me from the sweetest madness
No one can save me from myself

Condition

I am sick of this condition
that love becomes my addiction
under the influence again
what wouldn’t we do
when we are drunk on love

Rambling

There’s no coming back for a strong mind and a fragile heart

I’m locking my feelings up in the basement until they apologize for what they did wrong

I remember once, a little girl so curious, filled with wonderment and intoxicated on the idea of love
Why did she ever grow up

I was foolish enough to write your last name after mine
Permanent marker can’t even hide it

Even the best swimmers can drown
In the sea of love

little red

and she
draped in red
became fury and fear
and when the moon howled for her
she called for her pack to be near

The bleed

murderous thoughts fill the smoky air

and I shall never give you the satisfaction of knowing how much my heart bleeds

the tears fall like fire 

and I am fury

I am at war with the words in my head

my heart has betrayed me again

she still surrenders to hope and love

No, you were just a dream

Something says yes

A hundred thousand times

Yes again and again

You make me feel alive 

As I sleep in the graveyard of my heart

You give me hope

For a flame to touch 

To burn the center of my soul 

You make me smile 

You are incredible and interesting 

And my god, so handsome 

You are a promise made by the moon

A whisper in the rain

Thunder in my silence

I’m just a fool with too little to offer

Stranded on your every word

Please be my dream

Come true

Lots of luck

so tired of the basics

the usual garden variety

the self absorbed and diluted

what I need is a man

one who knows when to open a door

and when to smack my ass

knows how to pay a compliment 

or call me on my bullshit and gently put me in my place

treasures honesty and loyalty

knows that I wear armor to protect my fragile heart and soul, and I wear it to fight for the ones I love or the ones who can’t defend themselves

will tell me things I didn’t know and not get upset that I can’t always remember everything 

respects my intellect even without the education I forfeit 

knows sometimes I just need someone to hold my hand and hold me while I look impossibly ugly as I cry my heart out about feelings and thoughts I’m unable to articulate and calls me pretty anyway

that hears what I don’t say

listens to what I do say

and genuinely is concerned and cares about what I need or just acknowledges when I ramble on about things he finds less interesting 

I need a man that will not just give me, but show me the love I deserve 

a man that thinks I am a precious gift in his life, one he doesn’t want to live without

Low hanging fruit

That was the hardest part, after opening up to you, making myself vulnerable, knowing all I was, was just another notch, another quick fix for you. After all, I was ripe for the picking, easy because I so hopeful and certain I'd find romance. I was just another divorced 40 something year old, sex-starved, wine and coffee drinking woman, too eager and naive to know any better. I was damaged goods, that much was evident, so what difference would it make if you swept in and got a little taste for yourself before quickly moving on? 

Bright Eyes

some days I miss that little girl, the one with bright eyes, the one that never knew heartbreak or betrayal.

but I've come to love the woman she became; resilient and strong, smiling through her tears, still capable of being vulnerable and always filled with hope

Afar

from afar,

I watch the balloons

tied together

at the door, waiting

dancing

playing and bumping into the other

then

chasing each other

so happy to be together 

announcing their joy for each other 

Refusing to go quietly

in the last few weeks, my faith in humanity had begun slipping away. I started to believe there was no way to reach change, to remind myself and others of what was truly important, I had begun to let go of thoughts - that me, a mere nobody, could show enough kindness to a stranger that they might carry kindness on to the next stranger. it tore at my soul and left me bruised very deeply at my core, and then how could I let go of my own belief that people were inherently good and wanted to make such a kind gesture for others simply to see a smile. without benefit or recognition, but through true humanity and charity. there's just so much sadness and greed that has swept over our world, replacing love and kindness with bitterness and the reluctance stand up for one another. then All the little things started to matter again, I saw people fight for each other, I witnessed love and sacrifice beyond that for which I thought I was capable of giving myself. fighting my own battles I forgot what was important and that this was not how I want to leave this world. I refuse to go quietly. 

Sunshowers

There will always be storms. 

Some storms you will dance and play in, while others, you will have to seek shelter. 

But the storms will always pass.

Do what you must to protect yourself and those you love during the harsh thunderstorms and dance whenever you can, in the beauty of those lovely sun-showers. 

Berries on the vine

lips stained like berries 

taste of sweet grapes on the vine

a breeze hints of jasmine nearby

she won't fall to bitterness and fraud 

nor the contempt from poisonous minds

she cares not if she walks a path alone

she’s a Phoenix 

regal and on fire

Reverence

much as the earth brings forth the rains 

to cleanse, renew and give sustenance 

we too need to reflect with reverence, gratitude and joy 

Drive

with the music blaring and the windows down

the grey clouds parted like  drawn drapes 

as I crossed the bridge for what seemed the 100th time

but the sky seemed to be pulling me toward something ominous and fraught with adventure 

and it felt like I couldn’t drive fast enough 

Calling on angels

Trembling, she realized she found herself in defiance of her own reasoning and rational thought.

Her own words curled and clinging to the corners of her mouth, like the wicked little smile she had just flashed mere moments before, 

while quarreling over something so ridiculous, she forgot now what it was.

Even as she knowingly set out to challenge his forbearance, 

still he had disarmed her with his commanding confidence. 

She watched in awe and strange excitement as his gaze lingered over her body, pausing quietly and playfully, and then finally making their way back up to her eyes. 

He was smiling, grinning even, like he knew he was frustrating her even more with his unlikely timing and perpetual patience.

She had loathed this behavior in others, but felt all the blood rush through her as her cheeks began blushing.

Time seemed to stand still as he watched her expression betray her.

How dare he look at her like he wanted to be condemned to hell for eternity and then slowly consumed by a fire he didn’t want to understand.

He saw her, damn it, all of her,  and she knew it.

But, where were the walls she had spent years meticulously building around herself?

How had he managed to strip away at them and make her feel so naked and vulnerable and with such a spiteful and audacious smile?

She looked away, which was odd, she thought to herself - as she always looked everyone in the eyes.

Stammering like a child, 

she tried to temper the spinning and steady herself.

It was too late to hide as she turned helpless and ready to meet the intensity of his stare.

She was not anticipating this, not when she was certain she could never like him. He wasn’t arrogant but there was plenty of promise.

His hands caught her off guard, as he effortlessly 

pulled her close to him,

so close she stopped breathing.

She could only hear her heart, and then his, as it raged - furiously, trying to break free of its cage.

They were face to face breathing the same electric air.

She began to turn away, she wasn’t going to let him get the best of her.

But he held her close and she felt the allure of his intoxication with her. She felt an unrelenting hunger, she wouldn’t hold back this time, and as he leaned in, she tasted the insatiable greed of his mouth and lips on hers, his strong hands moving fast in silence.

She was no longer able to discern if she was in heaven or hell. 

She wanted both worlds to collide, violently, and in sweet surrender. 

He was like religion she’d never known, he wasn’t there to quiet her demons, and he had little interest in calling on her angels. 

Friends missed

miss laughing with someone I could talk to

with darkness always pushing and pushing me so far down 

wish these ghosts would let me go, they still haunt me 

so

they say

the ones you can’t go a day without thinking of

are the ones you truly love

so many people cross my mind 

and some never leave

wonder if they still think of me

and do they think of me fondly 

Wisps

echoing thunder and electric air bring heavy showers 

clapping in time with the pulse of a heart 

tears saturated with the sound of laughter gather in puddles 

where children can play 

and dragonflies wisp and butterflies dream

Alone

thoughts of you stir deep in my bones 

I see you still in my dreams

where does my heart go

you’ve left me here alone

Silent Music

my soul feels trapped

my energy is low

all the song lyrics

aren’t anything I know

my friend where are you

Rule

Maybe I just wanted to feel something so I tried to force my way into the hearts of others.

Love cannot rule this way

Empty Nest

The muscovy mama duck built her nest in a nook in my patio. Such a sweet thing, though I’ve constantly cursed at her because she poops everywhere on the walkway to my apartment door and eats the cat food I leave out for one of the feral cats, I like to call Oreo.

At first, she would come and arrange the mulch and didn’t stay long, and then a few days passed and there were two or three eggs. Then there were more eggs each night, finally 10 or so. And then for almost 2 weeks she wouldn’t leave the nest. Even when the male ducks came to display how brutal mother nature is, fighting over which would get to take their turn on her. She wouldn’t leave, she’d go right back to nesting after chasing them off. I’d bring her little pieces of cat food and water and sit in the chair, excited to be a small part of this.

She would stand at times and lovingly move the eggs about. I imagined it was to make sure each got enough warmth and love and maybe even a chance to listen to her heartbeat, then she’d posture herself and settle snuggly back on top, gently splaying her wings out. It was beautiful.

Yesterday, when I left for work she seemed so content sitting on her nest and I remember thinking it’s almost time for those cute little fluffy babies to get here, it won’t be long now. 

When I arrived home after work and turned the corner, I looked to see her there, as we had always nodded almost as if greeting each other, but she wasn’t there. Her nest was empty and all the eggs were gone, just tiny little fluffs of fine down feathers strewn everywhere. I got happy thinking perhaps the babies were here. I rushed to get my key in the door and put my stuff down and came back outside to the porch to get a good look, excited that I’d get to see her with her little fluffers. 

She came around the corner and stood there looking at her nest, moving little pieces of mulch one at a time, making little noises, and then looked at me. I smiled and quietly asked where her babies were, she let out a few squeaky noises and looked around. 

I know it sounds crazy, but I swear she looked so sad as she just stood there gazing into her empty nest. 

I watched her last night as she stayed in the middle of the sidewalk, a couple smiling and laughing as they walked their playful black lab, they slowed down, but she was unmoving and without fear, so they walked around her, the pup struggling on its leash to get close to her.

My heart dropped, as the realization hit me, perhaps someone or something had found her little nest and moved the eggs. 

All night she would walk back and forth to the nest or stand next to the oak tree in front of the view of the lake closest to my porch. She didn’t interact with the other ducks, they would come by and squawk about and carry on, but she would quietly move away. She’d waddle back around the corner, letting out a few noises and then stop to look at the empty nest. 

My heart is saddened as I can sense confusion and emptiness. 

She is standing now by the big oak, preening her feathers and looking around, waiting there.  

A kingfisher stands nearby beating a small fish against the bank then angling its beak into the air to swallow his catch, whole. 

The sad little mama duck with her ruffled feathers lifts one leg and balances herself. The sun is hiding behind clouds, the rain is falling hard and there is a stillness in the air. 

This is one of the saddest moments in nature, I think I have ever witnessed. 

Touch

I don’t want to be happy, I just want to remember what it feels like to not be sad. 

Weep

It’s not in the quiet moments, but the still ones, where we visit graveyards in our minds. 

We walk slowly down hallways and stand in front of closed doors, rolling keys between the tips of our fingers, lingering on the feel of the metal, biting down on our lip, tasting our own blood and twitching as a cold chill thunders just beneath our skin. 

Knowing the agony that lies beyond the door, but honoring our affliction, the other hand reaches for the handle, standing there watching as in a dream, we shouldn’t lift the key from deep in our pocket, but find ourselves fumbling about forcing the key to fit.

It is in the stillness that we want to sit down and be haunted by ghosts and play with demons. The heart pleads to turn the handle and the head screams to walk away. 

A rush of beauty as we open the door, a sense of wonder, then an aching, as we wallow in blinding anguish, almost laughing as tears fall heavy, our face red and broody, crying at the sharp painful bites of loss for such moments, holding our chests, gripping our hearts, grief-stricken, somber and morose we finally weep.

Let me stay here

Had I not always lived inside my head

I could listen to the thud of my heart beating, I could hear the words pouring from my lips

Deep in the vast hallways of my mind, there would be empty rooms

And doors that burst open where memories spilled 

And I would find safety there

Betrayal and agony

Why did I choose this torment 

Why did I not scream for help

Who would listen

The world dredged on around me

People too full of themselves and living their lives

Too busy to take notice of the sadness behind my smile

I could feel no belonging in this world

My head was fantasy and horror and it kept me clean amongst the sheep

I’d feel my world tilt when I’d become to comfortable outside of it

I’d feel too much sorrow and pain and too little joy

I’d miss the smiles of my children and the endless conversations we no longer shared

I’d miss the moments I could cling to and live outside my brain

It was easier to be within my castle, it was simple within these walls

Nothing in my mind could break me the way the world could

I don’t want to leave

If I do, I might lose myself

I might lose more memories and those are far too precious 

I feel happiness and sadness when I linger too long thinking of my children.

Some have grown too much to need me and I am forgotten. 

Too angry to need me and now I am unforgiven 

I waste space and air

I feel small and incomplete 

My worries seem silly and yet they destroy me from within

No I think I’ll stay here where I’m welcome, where I’ve accepted my flaws others can’t appreciate 

Outside my head the world complicates what’s inside my head

No, I will stay just a little longer

Ancient Hearts

Ancient hearts aching too soon to die

And the stars we’ve stumbled upon, 

only to suffocate beneath pages of glass, stained with tears

To never find me fetal in despair 

crying out your name 

Trembling in dreams 

as your voice silently moves over me

I still breathe whispered images 

our lips violently painted 

You haunt me in quiet places now 

void of your song

Let rage find solace in storms

And I hold onto hope that my fingers will always find themselves curling 

the ribs of your cage

Peeking

I think my dancing shoes are peeking at me 

Looking for the chance to kick up some heat 

Spinning sugar coated hearts tappin

Oh how you wear my feet

Desecration

Hot tears and mascara pooled at the corners of her sad green eyes 

She pulled herself up from the floor, where she spent too long cradling herself 

She knew she was lovely, she knew she was enough

But his eyes moved too easily upon so many and she gasped out loud

She knew he could never worship at her alter

She was selfish and she never wanted to know how to share

And she would never allow such desecration of her religion 

Stardust

Stardust is woven in her smile 

Smoke drifts from her wanton lips

Midnight souls fall heavy

My rain

The rain calls me. My thoughts and emotions drip outside my windows and pool upon my cheeks. I am overwhelmed by the moon’s cry in the darkness. He whispers on the winds and his glow fades like distant thunder. Brilliant flashes of light peek through the blinds and ghosts dance hauntingly in my room. I wish for sleep. 

Visions

I close my eyes and see too much. 

I open my eyes and see too little. 

Bliss

It was never a question of whether or not I loved you.

It was always a question of how long could I look away and ignore that you didn’t love me. 

Wreckage

I had been here before

amongst the wreckage of people 

with their drunk hearts and empty souls

mindless chatter and phony smiles

making their way through the crowd

hoping to find a reprieve, a glimpse of themselves in another’s

challenged eyes and reckless 

banter

had I also not wanted to be there

to live inside another’s eyes

to be kept safe 

to feel fleeting joy and hungered for approval 

for I too had wished away my anonymity 

I too had sold my soul 

and as I looked around

feeling little of what I needed 

for what I wanted would not be found here

a sense of not belonging 

discontent and dejectedly out of place

to bide my time I bleated on with the sheep

and then

in a swift and glorious moment I walked away

I would not be angry with myself

I would not be angry with them

I would simply be

looking back I now know

that this is where I found myself 

I will be good

I will be strong 

I will endure 

I had found peace

Curse you, whiskey

curse you, whiskey

with one pour

I travel down roads 

I long to forget

as I cling to my glass 

and whisper 

it was never whiskey’s fault 

Forgetting to Fall

all these moments 

all these words

standing on the edge

of my lips

forgetting to fall

tears don’t fall

your fingertips deliciously grazing the arch of my back

your hot breath on my nipples

the agony of your mouth and hands feverishly moving over me

the sweet musk of carnal hunger ripe in the air

bursts of laughter between sighs of sheer ecstasy

inutterable words breaking through moans

bathed in desire

forgetting the world

it was just you

and me

tangled and tortured 

lost in

the moments 

now washed away

in tears

fuck you

madness

as the rain pours 

my heart aches

and I wish 

to cure this madness

called, love

like whiskey

and how I long to 

smell of smoke and whiskey 

and you

and all that I knew 

would delight

my downfall 

Swell

this need for you 

this hunger

to taste you

smeared 

in a feast

all over my swollen lips

Phantoms

true love 

is an inescapable

phantom 

A flare

You were but a flame to an inferno

A brilliant flash, a flare

A vortex, a whirl, just misappropriated air

How bitter and burnt

Now your flame but a flicker

The sky I breathe is arcane, fervent and thicker

You seek to seize, not to entice, arouse or awaken

Your eyes meant to deceive disenchant, dissuade and dampen

A heart that was true, 

Once alive and eager

Now grief comes in waves 

Staggered yet brave

Yet your capricious tenue

Now our love I fear too small

Too tiny, too meager

Feathers

Take your time with me

Your feathers pick at my bones

If I read from your skin 

Would you take my heart

And I kept pulling down on the sky

Pages

I want to fill pages 

And don’t know what to say

My words fail me

My thoughts betrayed

To hush the voices

That drip through my pen

All the silent choices 

I must face again 

seeking sorrows

I seek out sorrows 

That don’t belong to me

And sadness fills my cup

I will seek refuge in broken souls

So I may prick my finger on the reapers scythe

running to stand still

Everyone is stop go, stop go, stop go - like we all have somewhere important to be, no one really lives anymore,  it’s like the U2 song, we are all just running to stand still

caged

You kissed me softly in a dream last night

I lay sleeping as I felt the tenderness and warmth of your lips brush gently on my cheek

I wanted to stay in that moment forever 

I just want to breathe your air

I need for nothing else but to exist deep in between your ribcage

No word

the sun sets and now creeps quietly over my shoulder

and still no word from you

Versions of me

I miss more versions of myself than I will ever miss of the men or people I have loved

I used to be proud to be me

I used to dance to my own music

Listen to my own song

Wear what the fuck I felt beautiful in even if it meant I would end up being chastised about it

When did I give away so much of me that I started thinking what was left wasn’t worth me loving?

Just because I was bad at love didn’t mean I wasn’t worthy of it

They were just bad choices

I was caught up in a moment 

Somewhere I started to believe their version of me

I stopped believing I was a goddess 

I lost faith in me

I listened too long to what they said 

I was never too much

Thats all that they were

Moments 

I am not the sum of their picture of me

I didn’t need a filter

I didn’t need to tone it down

I am me

Beautiful and brilliant and funny as fuck

Fuck them

I love me

Invisible

now I know how ghosts feel

you look past me to all the fresh beauty in the room 

who am I 

I am nothing, no one

someone that once caught your eye

now I am become invisible 

a wish to be the only one seen in a room full of beauty 

to

now just the gum under your chair

barely touched

and you cringe when you do