One of the most difficult things I've realized is, facing our own truth's are far more frightening. Why is that? Often, we write off our 'truths' as being human. Really. We are only human, we make excuses for our excuses. Seldom are we ready to truly look in a mirror and see the truth revealed. I'm not talking about mirrors on the wall, either. I'm talking about your soul, your deepest darkest and well hid truths. In a world built on 'fake it until you make it', what would we have to possibly gain by facing our deepest truths? We are imprisoned by our fears.
Most of us are walking around believing the lies we tell ourselves. We're all damaged goods. We're only human. We can only handle what we can handle. We can only control what we can control. We do as much as we can to keep ourselves too busy for dreaded reality checks. Alcohol, drugs, music - you name it and any and all things that will help to keep up the façade. Barricading our truths so deep below the surface, we are petrified, praying they don't escape. So we escape instead. Our schedules become just way too busy, so we no longer have to focus on it. We will get to it another time, when we're not as consumed by what we're doing, we can always put it off for another day. Or even worse, we actually believe our own lies. Now we stuffed things down for so long we actually begin to think we are better than other people, it boasts of egotism and arrogance.
Our things seem to give us significance. We want more things. We call it being happy. Our cars and homes and labels give meaning to our life. Or because we don't make a poor choice, for something that seemingly altars a person's life, finances and health like someone we may know, we feel superior. We believe them to be unhappy. We pity them. We look down our noses and feign sympathy, while secretly we are grateful we are not them. (How about that for an ugly truth). We say our life could be worse, just look at so and so. Then go on to compare our highlight reel with their struggle. You're a fucking fraud!
Do you even know who you really are? Are you comfortable with your secrets? If you were, they would NOT be secrets. ... we All have secrets! The wave of fear is daunting. So - instead, we find fault in other people, places, situations, things. Whatever, we can to stave off the real fear of facing ourselves. We do whatever we can to remove focus on ourselves. It's so much easier to point a finger, than to have one pointed at you - isn't it? We watch more TV than usual, or lots and lots of movies, we play video games, over-shop everything - online and in-stores - wherever reality isn't, we overeat, we overindulge in everything, we take vacations we can't afford, we buy things we don't need, we work longer hours, we surf the web and are obsessed with social media. There's just so many more interesting and fun things we can do, rather than confront our ugly truths.
I can't even begin to tell you how often I do this or have done all these things. Focusing on me finally, I have made more time for myself. And as such, it allows me to work on me - on struggles and sort through my fears and issues. So yes, I've been wallowing in quite a bit truths, as of late. Even felt great despair, feeling sorry for myself. I'd beat me up alone, with friends and loved ones - allowing them to see weaknesses, sadly some thought they could play on. Now that I'm here, I can't seem to get enough. I'm not beating myself up anymore, I can't keep looking at who I was, because it's just not who I am anymore. Yes, some of it is terribly sad, I'm not the precocious inspired girl passionate about everything and in full belief that I can make a difference in the world anymore. So many things have changed me, but I'm grateful I'm not bitter or hard and I still believe people will do the right thing. I know my heart is still gold, even if I pretend I'm too tough to care. Hope is a double-edged sword. It has single-handedly changed how I function on a daily basis. Where I was once so cool and calm and certain that everything would be fine, this too shall pass, everything happens for a reason, I am changing. Am I still optimistic? Absolutely. Maybe more so, because I know my demons. If I was fidgety before, I'm worse now - I can't stop moving. If I sit down, I begin to loathe myself, I begin to feel like I'm morphing into this ugly pseudo version of some fake something that I just don't want to be anymore. It scares the hell out of me - but I stare it down and meet it head-on. 13 seconds of courage.
As I break down layers of bullshit that have had years to build up and I try to break down emotional, mental and physical barriers that are incredibly painful, I realize there's so much more to me. Why was I so afraid to be myself? Oh yeah, I remember this is a world meant for copycats and sheep. Quite often why I feel I don't belong. I mean, I go back and read some of my posts and I'm like "what the fuck were you thinking!" Learning to love myself is harder than loving other people. Forgiving myself and truly coming to terms with who I am remains a struggle - but I'm not running from it anymore.
I'm done hiding truths, I'm done with secrets. If you don't like me or who I am or the choices I make, I don't fucking care anymore and it's highly likely you won't remain a part of my life. I like who I am. I'm not perfect, I've done some shitty things in my life, I've thought some terrible things and I've made horrible choices. But I'm not the sum of those things. I won't let anyone hold my life over my head anymore.
As I run through the valley of evil, the devil nipping at my heels - I realize I'm not the asshole I thought I was, I'm a good person with a big heart. (see previously that would be way too mushy for me to admit)... growing....
Most of us are walking around believing the lies we tell ourselves. We're all damaged goods. We're only human. We can only handle what we can handle. We can only control what we can control. We do as much as we can to keep ourselves too busy for dreaded reality checks. Alcohol, drugs, music - you name it and any and all things that will help to keep up the façade. Barricading our truths so deep below the surface, we are petrified, praying they don't escape. So we escape instead. Our schedules become just way too busy, so we no longer have to focus on it. We will get to it another time, when we're not as consumed by what we're doing, we can always put it off for another day. Or even worse, we actually believe our own lies. Now we stuffed things down for so long we actually begin to think we are better than other people, it boasts of egotism and arrogance.
Our things seem to give us significance. We want more things. We call it being happy. Our cars and homes and labels give meaning to our life. Or because we don't make a poor choice, for something that seemingly altars a person's life, finances and health like someone we may know, we feel superior. We believe them to be unhappy. We pity them. We look down our noses and feign sympathy, while secretly we are grateful we are not them. (How about that for an ugly truth). We say our life could be worse, just look at so and so. Then go on to compare our highlight reel with their struggle. You're a fucking fraud!
Do you even know who you really are? Are you comfortable with your secrets? If you were, they would NOT be secrets. ... we All have secrets! The wave of fear is daunting. So - instead, we find fault in other people, places, situations, things. Whatever, we can to stave off the real fear of facing ourselves. We do whatever we can to remove focus on ourselves. It's so much easier to point a finger, than to have one pointed at you - isn't it? We watch more TV than usual, or lots and lots of movies, we play video games, over-shop everything - online and in-stores - wherever reality isn't, we overeat, we overindulge in everything, we take vacations we can't afford, we buy things we don't need, we work longer hours, we surf the web and are obsessed with social media. There's just so many more interesting and fun things we can do, rather than confront our ugly truths.
I can't even begin to tell you how often I do this or have done all these things. Focusing on me finally, I have made more time for myself. And as such, it allows me to work on me - on struggles and sort through my fears and issues. So yes, I've been wallowing in quite a bit truths, as of late. Even felt great despair, feeling sorry for myself. I'd beat me up alone, with friends and loved ones - allowing them to see weaknesses, sadly some thought they could play on. Now that I'm here, I can't seem to get enough. I'm not beating myself up anymore, I can't keep looking at who I was, because it's just not who I am anymore. Yes, some of it is terribly sad, I'm not the precocious inspired girl passionate about everything and in full belief that I can make a difference in the world anymore. So many things have changed me, but I'm grateful I'm not bitter or hard and I still believe people will do the right thing. I know my heart is still gold, even if I pretend I'm too tough to care. Hope is a double-edged sword. It has single-handedly changed how I function on a daily basis. Where I was once so cool and calm and certain that everything would be fine, this too shall pass, everything happens for a reason, I am changing. Am I still optimistic? Absolutely. Maybe more so, because I know my demons. If I was fidgety before, I'm worse now - I can't stop moving. If I sit down, I begin to loathe myself, I begin to feel like I'm morphing into this ugly pseudo version of some fake something that I just don't want to be anymore. It scares the hell out of me - but I stare it down and meet it head-on. 13 seconds of courage.
As I break down layers of bullshit that have had years to build up and I try to break down emotional, mental and physical barriers that are incredibly painful, I realize there's so much more to me. Why was I so afraid to be myself? Oh yeah, I remember this is a world meant for copycats and sheep. Quite often why I feel I don't belong. I mean, I go back and read some of my posts and I'm like "what the fuck were you thinking!" Learning to love myself is harder than loving other people. Forgiving myself and truly coming to terms with who I am remains a struggle - but I'm not running from it anymore.
I'm done hiding truths, I'm done with secrets. If you don't like me or who I am or the choices I make, I don't fucking care anymore and it's highly likely you won't remain a part of my life. I like who I am. I'm not perfect, I've done some shitty things in my life, I've thought some terrible things and I've made horrible choices. But I'm not the sum of those things. I won't let anyone hold my life over my head anymore.
As I run through the valley of evil, the devil nipping at my heels - I realize I'm not the asshole I thought I was, I'm a good person with a big heart. (see previously that would be way too mushy for me to admit)... growing....
I truly enjoyed reading this. Taking a good hard look at who you really are and learning to love yourself is the beginning of everything.
ReplyDeleteKudos!