That's what it's all about...

It was a long drive.  Some days, I enjoy driving.  Especially if there's good company and/or great music.  This was one of those days.  Traffic was a nightmare.  Florida bi-polar weather and rush-hour traffic - ah yes, even so.  I cherish the moments I get to spend with my younger brother.  He's brilliant and he's funny, and modest so it makes for riveting conversation.  It also helps that musically, our tastes are very similar.  Yes, we even belted out a few songs together. 

Giving credit where credit is due.  My brother said the funniest thing.  We had been deep in conversation, covering many a subject matter, thinking on things and he says... "you know what I think?"  me: "NO, what do you think?"  Him: "You know what it's all about?  I think the Hokey Pokey is what it's all about."  After a few minutes of laughter, he told me I should blog about it.  Why not?  What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it's all about?!!!  I can't even articulate the moment, but it was hysterical.  (to us) 

I will not likely do it the justice he could or spin it quite as well - but, here goes nothing...

Psychotherapy As a Performing Art.  Argued as a lesser used perception, but considered to hold leverage over others is the Arts or Performing Arts as Psychotherapy.  Yes.  It's not necessarily in the entertainment itself or the distraction or amusement of the audience, nor is it in the engagement of therapist or individual in therapy or in live performance by therapist as audience and individual performing it. 

Consider this, two people meet at a designated area, specifically for a designated activity, with designated technique, started at a designated time.  (i.e. dancing)  Traditionally, one dancer leads (usually the better) and the other follows.  All part of the formality of the dance.  Then there's the abstract where a dance can be brought to life by the two persons (think the Tango or the Waltz).  The method of therapy, much like the type of dance chosen serves as the template for interaction. "The dance offers approbation of certain behaviors, exclusion of others.  Within these parameters, space is reserved for spontaneous and artful interaction.  Thus, through skillfully executed techniques, the dancers are revealed as the person-cum-artists. Likewise, the person of the therapist is revealed and the person of the one in therapy is acknowledged in the artful execution of psychotherapy."  ... .  "The analogy under discussion could be extended to include group psychotherapy by considering group dances, .. the Bunny Hop, the Hokey Pokey, the Electric Slide, etc..."

It's a behavioral momentum.  It is abstract thinking, people love doing it and it provides a feeling of camaraderie.  It's a simple, silly, little novelty dance we all learn as children and strangely, most of us don't flinch at doing.  An action like a group dance activates the same brain circuitry in all the individuals dancing or even if the individuals watching others dance.  It's an action observation network and it creates an atmosphere of joy and comfort.  Next time you do the Hokey Pokey, look around - you'll see most people are smiling, either while dancing or just watching.  My point is, the Hokey Pokey is Hokey and it's fun and you're more likely to get more people to join in the Hokey Pokey than you will in the Electric Slide or more so than other potential group activities.  It has substantial health benefits.  If it makes you smile, then I guess That's what it's all about!!.  Right?!   so....

You put your right hand in,
You put your right hand out,
You put your right hand in,
And you shake it all about,
You do the hokey pokey
and you turn yourself around
That what it's all about.
2) left hand
3) right foot
4) left foot
5) head
6) butt
7) whole self


Read more: http://www.scoutsongs.com/lyrics/hokeypokey.html#ixzz3yeCGU9KF
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http://mentalfloss.com/article/31063/ambiguous-origins-hokey-pokey

The Psychology of Artists and the Arts, by Edward W. L Smith

 

Perk up

I'm starting to nod off at my desk.  Even with all the noise and talking and people coming in and out of the office.  I'm watching the clock cruelly and lazily move.  My eyelids are cumbersome.  My co-workers and I take turns yawning, it's a vicious cycle.  Now, a co-worker is singing Ave Maria to keep herself awake.  It's not bad, but it's not good either - I let out a chuckle and then a sigh.

What can I do, to stay awake?  I could write, perhaps join my co-worker and sing, or count the money in my drawer, maybe I'll just make some coffee.  I could also go into the bathroom and masturbate.  That might wake me up, of course - soon after, I'd be tired again.  Rainy days like today would normally make me feel frisky, have me bouncing off walls.  What's wrong with me today? 

I decided to perk up a little with coffee and to harass my co-workers.  They were all too agreeable.  Maybe I should have gone with masturbation.  At least I'm awake...

The truth will set you free...or will it?

One of the most difficult things I've realized is, facing our own truth's are far more frightening.  Why is that?  Often, we write off our 'truths' as being human.  Really.  We are only human, we make excuses for our excuses.  Seldom are we ready to truly look in a mirror and see the truth revealed.  I'm not talking about mirrors on the wall, either.  I'm talking about your soul, your deepest darkest and well hid truths.  In a world built on 'fake it until you make it', what would we have to possibly gain by facing our deepest truths?  We are imprisoned by our fears.

Most of us are walking around believing the lies we tell ourselves.  We're all damaged goods.  We're only human.  We can only handle what we can handle.  We can only control what we can control. We do as much as we can to keep ourselves too busy for dreaded reality checks.  Alcohol, drugs, music - you name it and any and all things that will help to keep up the façade.  Barricading our truths so deep below the surface, we are petrified, praying they don't escape.  So we escape instead.  Our schedules become just way too busy, so we no longer have to focus on it.  We will get to it another time, when we're not as consumed by what we're doing, we can always put it off for another day.  Or even worse, we actually believe our own lies.  Now we stuffed things down for so long we actually begin to think we are better than other people, it boasts of egotism and arrogance. 

Our things seem to give us significance.  We want more things.  We call it being happy.  Our cars and homes and labels give meaning to our life.  Or because we don't make a poor choice, for something that seemingly altars a person's life, finances and health like someone we may know, we feel superior.  We believe them to be unhappy.  We pity them.  We look down our noses and feign sympathy, while secretly we are grateful we are not them.  (How about that for an ugly truth).  We say our life could be worse, just look at so and so.  Then go on to compare our highlight reel with their struggle.  You're a fucking fraud! 

Do you even know who you really are?  Are you comfortable with your secrets?  If you were, they would NOT be secrets.  ... we All have secrets!  The wave of fear is daunting.  So - instead, we find fault in other people, places, situations, things.  Whatever, we can to stave off the real fear of facing ourselves.  We do whatever we can to remove focus on ourselves.  It's so much easier to point a finger, than to have one pointed at you - isn't it?  We watch more TV than usual, or lots and lots of movies, we play video games, over-shop everything - online and in-stores - wherever reality isn't, we overeat, we overindulge in everything, we take vacations we can't afford, we buy things we don't need, we work longer hours, we surf the web and are obsessed with social media.  There's just so many more interesting and fun things we can do, rather than confront our ugly truths. 

I can't even begin to tell you how often I do this or have done all these things.  Focusing on me finally, I have made more time for myself.  And as such, it allows me to work on me - on struggles and sort through my fears and issues.  So yes, I've been wallowing in quite a bit truths, as of late.  Even felt great despair, feeling sorry for myself.  I'd beat me up alone, with friends and loved ones - allowing them to see weaknesses, sadly some thought they could play on.  Now that I'm here, I can't seem to get enough.  I'm not beating myself up anymore, I can't keep looking at who I was, because it's just not who I am anymore.  Yes, some of it is terribly sad, I'm not the precocious inspired girl passionate about everything and in full belief that I can make a difference in the world anymore.  So many things have changed me, but I'm grateful I'm not bitter or hard and I still believe people will do the right thing.  I know my heart is still gold, even if I pretend I'm too tough to care.  Hope is a double-edged sword.  It has single-handedly changed how I function on a daily basis.  Where I was once so cool and calm and certain that everything would be fine, this too shall pass, everything happens for a reason, I am changing.  Am I still optimistic?  Absolutely.  Maybe more so, because I know my demons.  If I was fidgety before, I'm worse now - I can't stop moving.  If I sit down, I begin to loathe myself, I begin to feel like I'm morphing into this ugly pseudo version of some fake something that I just don't want to be anymore.  It scares the hell out of me - but I stare it down and meet it head-on.  13 seconds of courage.

As I break down layers of bullshit that have had years to build up and I try to break down emotional, mental and physical barriers that are incredibly painful, I realize there's so much more to me.  Why was I so afraid to be myself?  Oh yeah, I remember this is a world meant for copycats and sheep.  Quite often why I feel I don't belong.  I mean, I go back and read some of my posts and I'm like "what the fuck were you thinking!"  Learning to love myself is harder than loving other people.  Forgiving myself and truly coming to terms with who I am remains a struggle - but I'm not running from it anymore.   

I'm done hiding truths, I'm done with secrets.  If you don't like me or who I am or the choices I make, I don't fucking care anymore and it's highly likely you won't remain a part of my life.  I like who I am.  I'm not perfect, I've done some shitty things in my life, I've thought some terrible things and I've made horrible choices.  But I'm not the sum of those things.  I won't let anyone hold my life over my head anymore. 

As I run through the valley of evil, the devil nipping at my heels - I realize I'm not the asshole I thought I was, I'm a good person with a big heart.  (see previously that would be way too mushy for me to admit)... growing....

Anais Nin

what  ...  an inspiration!  She walked her own path and reinvented herself time and time again.  Her passionate and raw writing whispers to my heart and soul. 

"I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, and who has the courage to still treat me like a woman." 

"I love the abstract, delicate, profound, vague, voluptuously wordless sensation of living ecstatically."

"Please understand that I'm in full rebellion against my own mind, that when I live, I live by impulse, by emotion, by white heat."

"Love never dies a natural death.  It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source.  It dies of blindness, and errors, and betrayals.  It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering's, of tarnishing's."

"I'm restless. Things are calling me away.  My hair is being pulled by the stars again."

"Very slowly, with hands, tongues, mouths, we unwrapped and untied ourselves laying open gifts.  Gave birth to each other again, as separate bodies who enjoy collision."

"I want to love you wildly.  I don't want words but inarticulate cries, meaningless from the bottom of my most primitive being, that flow from my belly like honey.  A piercing joy that leaves me empty, conquered, silenced."

"I adore the struggle you carry in yourself.  I adore you terrifying sincerity."

"You can not save people, you can only love them."

"I don't tell the truth anymore to those who can't make use of it.  I tell it mostly to myself, because it will change me."

"I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary. I refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women.  To enter in ordinary relationships. I want ecstasy. I am neurotic - - in the sense that I live in my world.  I will not adjust myself to the world.  I am adjusted to myself."

"Don't let one cloud obliterate the whole sky."

"Age does not protect you from love.  But love, to some extent, protects you from age."

"It is the function of art to renew our perception.  What we are familiar with we cease to see.  The writer shakes up the familiar scene, and, as if by magic, we see a new meaning in it." 

"Pain is something to master, not to wallow in."

"I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls."

I'm the Architect

ar·chi·tec·ture/ ärkiˌtek-CHər/

Noun:

a) formation or construction resulting from or as if from a conscious act <the architecture of the garden> b)a unifying or coherent form or structure <the novel lacks architecture>

I was asked do I want to be the architect of my life?  Do I want to continue being pushed and pulled in every possible direction, except my own?  How long will I allow everyone and everything around me to dictate the path my life is taking?  At the end of the day, did I accomplish what I wanted or did I just fall in line?  Am I truly making choices for myself or choosing because I haven't made any real choices?

It was profound!  I was floored.  That kind of honesty and none of it meant to inflict pain or to make me feel bad or guilty about my life.  What were the choices I thought I was making?  The questions stopped me.  It left me spinning, it made me think, forced me to ponder the life I am living.  So much positive energy and life just bubbling and flowing from this person.  So full of joy and life and here they are, the architect of their life.  They're making things happen and are somehow unaffected by the negativity.  It started me thinking about everything.  I've basically been riding a float down a river.  A lazy river ride.  I've let circumstances and people and situations determine my path.  This whole time, I'm explaining away the choices I've been making and really I've just been floating along. 

I don't want it anymore.  I want to be the Architect of my Life.  I want to build the foundation and choose the contents, to ultimately design and create the life I truly desire.  Now something is alive in me.  I need this!  It was like someone breathed life into me and now there's a fire.  It made me see things from a completely different perspective.  Perception is everything! 

Where do I start?  What do I do?  It's overwhelming when you realize you're not actually in control of your life.  Here you are, thinking you're the Captain, but everything and everyone else has been steering.  No wonder everyone's been standing in judgment, telling you your choices are wrong.  Eureka!  It made perfect sense. 

As with all things that are important to me, and in my typical fashion, I had to research.  I had to be calm.  I have to tread carefully forward and empower myself first.   Only then could I take back the power, I had so carelessly relinquished.  So playing along with the verbiage - I stayed with the word this person chose.  Architect.  Any other word would not have carried as much weight.  Why not!!?  Planning the details of my life should have immense benefits and reap great rewards, right? 

Architects start with a Vision.  That's where I need to start.  I need to formulate a Vision, a blueprint of how I see my future.  Everything depends on it.  Having the life I want depends very much on the future I see for myself.  Without direction, I can't blindly move forward.  I've always taken misguided pride in the idea that I'm laid back, just enjoying my life.  I've become so comfortably numb and complacent.  I'm not going in any direction, I'm going in every direction letting the wind just carry me along and it's just not what I want anymore.  I depend on me, my kids my family and my friends, they all depend on me!  I need to focus beyond my circumstances and be creative, embrace that crazy imagination and channel my passion.  Finally!  I get it, I understand.  I have to have a plan. 

I'm going to set everything on fire. 

As the Architect of my life, I will need Structure.  I have to restore order to all the chaos that has become my life.  And yes - while I think I've been thriving, I'm really just living in the moment.  And that's okay, if I'm okay with just being okay - but I need to think about my future.  Without order and structure I'm floating down that lazy river.  I need order, I need to decrease the stress in my life.  With structure I can improve my productivity and focus more.  This in turn will help me when challenges arise and still give me room for growth and learning.  I have to align the structure with what works best for me, for my talents and skills so that I'm moving at optimal speed and performing on a highly proficient level - I've already lost too much time. 

Finally.  As the Architect of my life, I have to oversee Development and Execution.  So as my Vision begins to form and I create Structure and Order, I'm already two/thirds of the way there.  Now to bring it all to fruition.  To personally oversee the Vision, the Structure and finally the Development and Execution.  I hold all the key elements.  I have to apply and execute with precision.  An Architect must be definitive and detailed and absolute - they can't afford to miss anything.  To follow in the same theory, I must be precise and steady, using accuracy and leaving nothing to chance.  It gives me the ability to control what I can control.  I can't control everything or people, but I can maintain control of the things within my control.

Now I have to ensure and recruit the people that see my Vision, to keep the people closest that will encourage and inspire.  Those that reflect similar dreams and aspirations.  I must surround myself with positive energy and positive people. 

Of course, first I have to start with what I truly want for ME.  I have to stop trying to make everyone else happy.  Yes, I see it (the ME in all caps glaring at me) and I feel like I'm being selfish.  But in truth, I'm not.  I've sacrificed so much for so many people, I need this - I need it for me, I want this!  If everyone truly means what they say, when they tell me that they'd like nothing more than to see me happy and living my life to the fullest, then surely they'll understand this is the path I choose, for my personal growth.  I have the opportunity to create beauty from chaos.  This is going to change everything!

 

Karmic Connections...

Everyone always says they're 'fine'.  It's our standard uniform response to those with even the kindest of intentions.  On occasion, someone may prod a little further, seeing your pain just below the surface.  And for a few moments, we consider unloading ourselves with that heavy burden we carry, but we don't want our pain to destroy other people.  We know sharing it may even begin the process of healing.  Some of us will unburden our shattered hearts.  It's the only way the healing can begin.  Some of us will stuff it down, churn on it and let it fester.  Some of us will channel the emotions so that they reach new heights to yield more positive growth.

Growth can be painful, most often because it also brings about change.  Fighting change is futile, it's inevitable, change is something we all need, to build a better self.  It's far more painful to stay stuck somewhere you don't belong or never grow.  We don't experience personal growth, if things come easy.  Growth comes from being challenged.  We can choose to turn those challenges into opportunities.  We must also learn to let go of the things we can not change, so we can focus on the things we can. 

People change, things go wrong, shit happens.  But life most definitely still goes on.  We can choose, to either let those things define us, destroy us or strengthen us.  Sometimes, the weight of our sadness sends us plummeting on a downward spiral.  We think we can't live without something or someone.  When the tears start to dry and light travels into the darkest corners, you begin to realize you're still breathing, you're still alive and you still have to go on.  You'll struggle.  One day may be easy and the next, could be worst day of all, but you find strength.  You remember who you are, where you're going, where you've been and you just... know...that it will all be okay.

I used to believe in soul mates.  As I look back on my life to see where I've come from - I believe I've had more than one.  And for all the times I've ever heard about a 'soul mate' in life, I was left with the impression that we only have that 'one'.  Of course, I had to research, I know there has to be something that speaks to this... I can't be the only one, that believes they've had more than one soul mate.  I was so relieved. 

“A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake,” author Elizabeth Gilbert said. “But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.” (World of Psychology, 'Soul Mates: Do they really exist?' by Lauren Suval)

A lesson has to be learned and a debt repaid.  It's the karmic connection.  I had never read that previously, that the purpose of soul mates was to bring attention to yourself.  We get to experience a very personal connection with someone and it changes us forever. But our soul mate doesn't stay?  They must move on?  They're supposed to wake you up and bring you to a whole new awakening in your life.  It's quite sad but at the same time it makes more sense to me than the idea of you'll only meet one soul mate.  I loved it, it brought my shattered heart much needed peace.  I needed to hear it, even if it wasn't true, I want to believe it.   

Of course, there's also still the belief that there's the 'one' person that lifts you up and brings positive energy to your life, but typically this isn't always the person you expect it to be.  Look around, you'll find it's a friend or a family member, like a parent or even a child, maybe your best friend.  And then, there's the twin souls.  Someone who very much so mirrors you, and even with distance between you and this person, the distance changes nothing of your connection.  I know of both in my life as well.  And while they speak to me, it's not as loud as the karmic connection.  Perhaps, I relate more to this because of what is transpiring in my life. 

My shattered heart will heal.  Life is full of struggles and there are many storms.  There are also many rainbows to look forward to and times of peace, beyond the struggles.  I'll hold onto hope and smile as I take the next step forward in my life. 

“My soul was a burden, bruised and bleeding. It was tired of the man who carried it, but I found no place to set it down to rest. Neither the charm of the countryside nor the sweet scents of a garden could soothe it. It found no peace in song or laughter, none in the company of friends at table or in the pleasures of love, none even in books or poetry... Where could my heart find refuge from itself? Where could I go, yet leave myself behind?” ~ Wally Lamb

As with any journey, who you travel with is just as important as where you're going, so long as you remember it's not just the destination.  No one wants a wealth of regret because you didn't risk everything.  Some people are meant to always be a part of your life, and some people just pass through and some people will teach you the greatest lessons of your life and leave.  It's your journey, make every step, every breath, every moment of your journey something to be proud of - if the journey isn't a wondrous adventure, how can the destination be?