Live and Let Live

Can you see me clearly? Do you see me for who I am? What I am? Do you understand how I came to be without questioning and judging?

Exposing yourself and your vulnerabilities can be huge. When you've lived your life guarded, how do you let your defenses down? Putting yourself out there in great anticipation of whether or not an opinion of you changes. Sure your friends love you and tolerate you, in fact some encourage you to be you. They love and respect you despite your faults.

Something you view as a quality may be viewed by someone else as a deficiency. Simple things. Most you never give second thought, because it's inherant to your nature. Your friends carefully chosen. Some things people simply can not relate with, so you only tell the people you trust. Sometimes not even completely trusting them. (paranoia?, maybe) Who are your friends? Who really loves you? Some people just tolerate you. But someone that gets you and loves you anyways...that's priceless and precious and something to be appreciated.

Friendship and companionship can be incredibly underrated. Spending time in the company of those not related can be the most impressionable and shakeable. To enjoy someone's company you must be comfortable in their presence, able to personify and clearly convey who you are. Knowing you can agree to disagree is an elemental key to the silent partnership of the friendship. By silent, I mean nonjudgemental.

Easily we all have an opinion. People watching can be entertaining unlike any movie or TV show. Knowing the ever engaging past time and all that it entails makes us bias, crude, sarcastic, endearing, likeable, comedic and cruel at times. But knowing the foundation of humor, and its individually moral and ethical boundaries is the conscience of your friendships. It is both conscious and unconscious.

Some people get you completely. Entirely. Without question. Some people have to dig a little. Others play a role in your life but never truly develop into a true friendship. I know that sounds harsh - but it's true.

Trust. Friendships. Love. Acquaintances. Family. Everyone has an important role. No one is insignificant. When you disregard people or assume they have no value, disregard them or judge them - you can impress an unwanted opinion. Maybe its better to live and let live. People can and will surprise you.

Blocked

'Mental blockade' is the most appropriate thing I can say. It far outweighs the writers block and brings you closer to why I haven't been faithful to my blog. For as many times as I started to post a new blog, I just couldn't put any one thought down.

So I realized I was overthinking a everything and nothing. What - specifically, I just couldn't tell you. I know I've let a few good ideas slip right out of my hands. Friends advice, adventures, troubles and what-nots. It's coming back to me.

All I can say is, I'm getting to it. Patience is something I'm painfully learning. There's this whole other world out there...

Free-falling

Why is it so impossible to think that maybe, just maybe, after all that your heart has endured - that something real could happen?

Why when everything is falling into place and everything feels right do we begin to question it? We start to pick at it, trying to chip away, searching for negatives or hidden agenda's or alterior motives? Why can't we just go with the flow and allow something good to come into our lives? Are we ever truly open for the love and happiness we seem to so eagerly await?

How do we learn to drop our defenses? How do we learn to let go of the past? Why be suspicious and question the intentions of someone that treats you the way you deserve? Because they show a genuine interest, we start to second guess ourselves and our own worth. Surely, this can't be right! All kinds of pain surfaces and we begin to shut down before something beautiful can be let in.

At what cost are we willing to risk it all? Everything feels so right, (unlike anything before) and you've thrown yourself passionately into a million other things. Things that didn't mean as much and ultimately wouldn't matter. This could change everything, it could be epic. Just let go. Just fall. It could be everything you've hoped and wished for and more.

Full Moon

What is it about a full moon? Or was it timing? The moon added allure and magnetism to the evening, catapulting it so it surpassed other favorable evenings in terms of 'memorable'. It was almost surreal.

And then he asked for a kiss. He asked. Isn't that the sweetest thing? Next to the kiss, of curse. It made me think of one of my favorite quotes by Drew Barrymore..."Kissing-and I mean like, yummy, smacking kissing - is the most delicious, most beautiful and passionate thing that two people can do, bar none. Better than sex, hands down."

Ahhh, romance - at last!

Changing Hearts

In the beginning she had all the control and he was chasing her. Their relationship was good but lacking something. She is a free spirit and got bored with being good, so she started going out a lot. He begged her to slow down. She put a marriage proposal on the table, she wanted the next step. (allow me to explain) She didn't actually propose, she simply said it's been 5 years I'll slow down when you put a ring on my finger.

Present day. She slowed down, she stopped going out (okay well not as much) he told her he'd marry her. And for a while all was bliss. She voiced her wants and he took to deep thought.

Now, he's joining the military and leaves for boot camp soon. He doesn't know if he wants to even be in a relationship or get married. (but he was sure before) She's having to put everthing back in her name. She's terrified. She loves him and hates him. She can't help but feel an overwhelming foreboding. He's cutting her out of his life.

Breaks my heart for her. And to think she changed for him and now he may be leaving her. NEVER, NEVER compromise who you are for anyone! People either love you and take you as you are or it's just not the right.

And did he ever really love her or did he just want to control her free spirit? Knowing he tamed it, did he lose interest?

Imperfections

My life is riddled with the tragic yet laughable epic failures of one relationship after another. I've played my role absurdly well in each. Despite my new found solitude, I'm feeling healthy, confident, sexy and smart, my self-depricating humor at an all time high, though every now again, I am unabashedly lonely. This is one of those moments. And what is that all about? I can be giddy as a school girl, content and reasonably happy under the premise that my life is in fact mine - but is it? I have no one to answer to, no one to apologize to, I can go where I want, when I want, and with whom I want - though recently a recluse.

So many of my friends go from one wretched relationship to another never taking a moment to breathe in between or they speed date through life never settling down. Then I have the friends that are holding out for the elusive ONE. (so many of us are victims of watching too many romantic comedies) So, I'm told if I don't want to be lonely (a spinster) than I need to date.

I absolutely loathe dating. It's such anthropological excrement...same old lines, same old everything. It's a sham, a cliche...always obscuring their true colors and ughhh now I've invested time and affections into some guy that's not even real. What? See how it's making me bitter and I'm not a bitter person. But this subject...

Sure, I could apply my eternal optimism towards dating hoping it will eventually pay off. Honestly, why bother? Is it so unfair to want a companion? What about having something in common to talk about? Music, movies, books, politics and religion (most tend to shy away from such subject matter, but I'm a curious kitty...I embrace and respect that all of us have an opinion) or current events? Does no one read anymore? What about a kick ass concert? Will no one challenge my mind?

So I'm resigned to the idea that it's not likely I will find a companion through a tainted and twisted ritual of lies and propaganda. Why can't anyone just be themselves anymore? We all have imperfections. I want to know your qualities and your imperfections. Just be you.

What she wants..

My friend begins her story just like this...she says there's this great guy and he really is the whole package. He's continuing his education, and he's funny and very good looking. Eloquent and charming. Stylish and interesting with debonairre-like manners. Very flirtatious and his eyes and his lips, oh how they beckon. But... he has a girlfriend.

I tell her to run, she glares at me and says she knows, she knows...but she can't. It all happened so fast. She doesn't know how she got there at light spped and at the same time she knows with the girlfriend thing it stands little chance? But, he says all the right things and he is Super Suave. I am now beside myself at her gullibility. She just got her heart broken. What the hell is she thinking? I mean really is she falling for this? She's got to be the most naive person I know!! She says he seems so sincere, says that he has looked her dead in the eyes and told her that she isn't, nor will she be played. He's says he's drawn to her, it's because she's beautiful, sexy, classy, adorable and funny. He says she carries herself well and she's feminine, that he's very picky but she truly stands out.

But ...the girlfriend. He says it's over, but because of the girl's situation he feels pity and can't bring himself to end it, not until she's on her own and on her feet. He says it would lack compassion.(sadly she relates) She's mad at me and says I wouldn't understand, I had to be there she says...it was real, it was genuine.

SO >>> I ask her what does SHE want. She pauses and rolls her eyes. Then she says... I want a companion, a loving relationship that has meaning, someone I can laugh with and spend time with, someone that gets me and makes me feel like I'm the only woman in the room. She's terrified that she would come to grow in her affections so quickly, and I can see it in her face. She says she wants to share something special and thinks that she might have a chance with him. She doesn't want an affair or a fling but she believes there really is something there, something beyond the physical attraction. So, I tell her if he's sincere in his intentions and his interest and his affections for her, then he'd understand why she has to back away. He has to be truly open and unattached (if he in fact really wants the same thing with her) for the timing to be right and for this to have any real chance. And if he doesn't understand, then she was nothing more than a mere conquest. Better to know now, than hurt later.