Lucky

My kids say things that just blow my mind, sometimes. Their ability to grasp a situation or circumstance and effectively communicate a different perspective, makes me so incredibly proud to be their mom. 

It’s that effervescent feeling that wells up filling me with so much love and respect for the people they have become. 

I am beyond grateful that my struggle to raise them to think for themselves has more than paid off. And when the world makes me think I am crazy for the way I raised them, and tries to tear me down, I know I did something right. 

I just love these amazing little humans. I am so lucky..

My skies are never empty,

even if the clouds refuse to speak.

You can still hear the pause.

Villains

I read somewhere that “death is the only ending for the villain.” But I’m pretty fucking positive that death is the only ending for every one of us. So if I follow that logic, it’s not presumptuous to say whomever dreamt up that bullshit is subconsciously admitting that we are all the villain. Not presumptive at all. 

Coming for blood

Well fuck me, I fall for some real bullshit sometimes. They say the devil comes in many disguises. It’s time to match disrespect. Too many people think because I am a good person, that I am also a weak person. I don’t know, but I promise you I won’t be disrespected, I am coming for blood. 

I’m all over the place. I can’t clue in to focus on one specific emotion about it. Maybe it’s the serotonin. I just don’t know what I feel. I am clinging to hope, an idea, perhaps even a delusion. But I remain steady, talking myself down and keeping a cool head. I am excited and, I’m also nervous. Maybe once away from work, clarity will reveal itself. This is a big fucking deal. I am also trying to focus on wins. I’m thinking this will be a win. 

I suspect we have all been looked at, looked over, or looked upon, but have you ever really felt seen? 

Found a few journals from the tender age of 31. I made myself giggle whilst strolling down memory lane. To quote myself:

“Why is it so easy to focus on the negative? Is it because the pain is too difficult to let go? Or because it’s easy to hold onto?”

Even then I wrote about my affection for the moon, and the skies, and nature, and thunderstorms. It’s always been a lifelong love affair. Super freak! And wow, I used to really believe in myself. I dare say I really liked myself too. I was a courageous lass. I’m enjoying reading these. 

Lightning scorches the sky and thunder cracks open my chest. 

Memories can be beautiful.

But some memories are pure torture; they are a thousand cuts from a dirty knife. 

Pardon me

Pardon me, I’m making adjustments to the ways that I’m used to living. 

Denial and complacency settled into my chest so now I have to unfuck myself.  

And survival mode isn’t considered a noteworthy cool part of essential “self-care”. (the fuck??) So I had to isolate myself from people because my faith in humanity plummeted. Again.

Anyway, this next phase of healing and growth requires me to have patience with myself. And so far, I’m holding onto first place for exhausted; always saving myself from myself. 

I mean every villain has a hero, and every hero has a villain.

I just so happen to be both in this story.

Fire and flowers

I didn’t make poor choices 

and get dragged to hell by accident, 

this was my path; 

it was my fate. 

I was chosen.

I burn and dance in sun-showers,

and stop to smell the flowers. 

And like Persephone, 

I too am in love 

with the softness of flowers 

and the violent burn 

of stoking fires.

I say I’m fine. I am not fine. I’m really not. There’s been a lot going on. Nothing especially traumatic but enough shit happening at the same time to make it feel overwhelming. The struggle is peaking at relentless. 

I’m not okay, but I’m not going to tell anyone that, because then there’s a catalogue of questions or a myriad of unsolicited advice. Besides, I’m not ready to articulate it, without attaching emotions. I don’t want to project that onto anyone. Plus, I’d be wearing the anxiety of recounting it all, and I cannot stay in that mindset. I have enough unhealthy habits.

It’s easier to just say I am fine, most of us are too busy living our lives anyway. I know this can’t last forever, eventually there will be balance. Everything will be fine, I’m working through it. 

Sometimes it’s best to say 

tactfully 

what simply must be said.

And

Sometimes it’s best to 

stay quiet, 

observe 

and simply listen.

Knowing when to practice which 

is sometimes a mystery.