haunting shades of blue

I don't want to feel at this depth anymore.  I'm exhausted with feeling so intensely and unimaginable for anyone else.  Why must pain always love to draw me in, when I only want be loved.  This heart of mine beats too furiously for anyone to hold my hand and love.  I stand like a child in a lightning storm, and drown screaming in the rain, because its quiet there.  And still I hear my heart rage with thunder.  I wish I could pretend to not care.  I wish the lies could flow from me like music flows from you.  My dreams are too vivid and the shadows of black and white rip through my mind and tear at my flesh, until I feel you in my ribcage, coursing and gnawing through me.  Where has my favorite color gone, why do I no longer bleed in beautiful reds and burnt orange?  No, why must I instead feel the sharp cold shades of blue, like knives, the always haunting shades of blue.  Let me wisp away in embers of fire or ambers and gold.  Your haunting shades of blue are weighing too heavily for me, you're crushing my soul.

 

Gangsta

https://youtu.be/LAYgZEMMWxo

I need a gangsta
To love me better
Than all the others do
Gangsta 

I need a gangsta
To love me better
Than all the others do
To always forgive me
Ride or die with me
That's just what gangsters do

I'm fucked up, I'm black and blue
I'm built for it, all the abuse
I got secrets, that nobody, nobody knows
I'm good on, that pussy shit
I don't want, what I can get
I want someone, with secrets
That nobody, nobody, nobody knows

I need a gangsta
To love me better
Than all the others do
To always forgive me
Ride or die with me
That's just what gangsters do

My freakness is on the loose
And running, all over you
Please take me to places, that nobody, nobody knows
You got me hooked up on the feeling
You got me hanging from the ceiling
Got me up so high I'm barely breathing
So don't let me, don't let me, don’t let me, don't let me go

I need a gangsta
To love me better
Than all the others do
To always forgive me
Ride or die with me
That's just what gangsters do

I would rather be destroyed by honesty, than to live foolishly in your lies...

Build. Destroy. Rebuild. I've mastered the art of bouncing back.  Now to master the art of not having to...




"Truth is, I never needed drugs, everything I love destroys me enough."

 "Loving you was the most exquisite form of self-destruction."

"You cannot destroy me.  I destroy me. "

shelter me

I need shelter from the storm.  Normally, I'm the little girl you find dancing in the rain, spinning, laughing with eyes closed and in love with the storm.  I become the storm.  I hurt, my heart breaks and I must find shelter.  I am exhausted.  Love eludes me. 

It takes only one mistake, that's all it takes, for people to move on, no one cares to truly try and second chances are a thing of the past.  Anything worth having is worth fighting for and if you want something great you have to fight for it.  Measure your words before you speak them.  Never over-promise.  I'm the wrong girl, to tell me what I want to hear.  I will believe what you tell me.  I will think it's truth.

"The measure of a man, is what he does with power."  Plato

"I don't trust words, I trust actions."  When will I learn? 

fades into obscurity

I have to crank my music louder, so I don't hear my overthinking.  It's painful today.  I feel like a cat that runs from one room to the other, for no apparent reason...unsure of every single thought, every single word swimming in my head.  Wishing and wanting for something I'm probably not going to have.

Trying to keep hope at bay, is exhausting - never mind staying out of my own head.  It seems I've only felt the awful sting of hope lately, and finally someone promising, comes into my life...  but I know me, I'll rush in, heart first and head last, only to be destroyed when they leave.

Stay optimistic or stay realistic?

*reflects back* wondering how it is I can share such truth and intimacy with someone, to quickly become somebody, they're just too busy to talk to now.  I always seem to fade into obscurity.  ....for days, weeks, and months they hang on my every word, never seeming to get enough, and then.... poof!

Why have I allowed myself to come here again?  To travel this road?  Why won't I just let it go?  I know it's exactly what I need to do, yet here I am clinging to silly notions, and silly dreams...

*whispering and chanting to myself, trying to keep rhythm with the music .... just let it go, girl

conversations in a mirror

"I wonder what it feels like to be appreciated and adored for all the other gifts I have to offer." She said. "I miss subtlety, chivalry and manners.  I miss the art of real romance and the simplicity of how it feels when a man just wants to hold my hand and brush my hair out of my face.  Wouldn't it be crazy if for just once, someone truly just wanted to know me, to crave my thoughts and opinions and hang on my words, to always want to make me smile and laugh, and later grin thinking of just how I couldn't stop giggling.  What I wouldn't give to be truly seen, for someone to understand and know my silence or how often I fidget when I feel awkward.  To know I was the only one he thought about, even if he was miles away.  I don't want to just be the flower that blossoms between my thighs, I want it all.  What I wouldn't give to know how incredible it would feel, I imagine it would be the greatest high, to feel so loved, so respected, so safe."   
- conversations in a mirror