Some thing's are far more difficult to absorb. Somewhere between heaven and hell is where you find them. Always towing the fold of black and white, and sitting (with a smile) on a fence somewhere like a cat.

Understanding that the subject matter I'm about to chew and churn on, may incite some resentment, still I am forging ahead with angst and the greatest of intentions to pen my thoughts. This is after-all, my blog. Albeit neglected and ignored.

I grew up in a strict, stern home. I have four brothers, all boys, not one sister. My Father is ex-Army Ranger, militant by and through all facets and means of his life. Structure, routine and regiment were and are still expected. My brothers and I never fail to disappoint. My Mother, was exactly what my Dad needed. A dictator of her own sheer force and will, do not let her size fool you she was larger than life and still rules with the iron fist entrusted to her by my Father. Both my parents worked, and worked hard, so we often found ourselves under the watchful eye of my grandparents or Mrs. Whaley (the youngest brother's Nanny). That is when we weren't spending three nights a week at church.

Make no mistake I mean no disrespect to my parents. They weren't perfect, they did their absolute best. They were and are good people. Better I dare say than my brothers and I turned out to be. Besides, wasn't everyone's childhood or family dysfunctional in some way? My parents would be aggrieved, haunted even, that I could take such brilliant refined characteristics bestowed on me, suppress them and corrupt them to my own creation. Even retarding them into almost a mockery. It must leave the copper taste of blood in their mouths. This is not out of orneriness, it is simply me being me. I know I make them proud with certain aspects of my life, morals, values and general life compass, but I also know I drive them bat-shit crazy and somehow that offers a great deal of comfort.

I digress, as I often do. I'm not here to discuss my parents, not really. Or my more formidable years when my conscience was obviously of significantly more crushing weight than it is now. I still believe I have a moral compass, I just lack faith in society, and not just as a whole, but in bits and pieces. Any way my politics are inconsequential, as well.

My Father to this day, still respects and admires my Mother. She is fiercely independent, and I do mean fiercely. While my Mom cooked, clean, disciplined and worked, so did my Father. They believed each of them had to contribute as much as the other, despite the traditional or old fashioned ideals they were raised with individually. This is something I have always admired about my parents. They may drive each other insane, but there is never a loss for love, respect or admiration for what they each have to offer the other or the world. It's not often you find a man comfortable with a woman that independent and not intimidated or emasculated by such a strong woman. My Father adores my Mother, to this day.

Being the only girl, I am a Daddy's girl, I hold my Father in the highest regard. Lucky for me, I have an amazing Dad. A true gentleman, a protector, a jack of all trades, I do believe my Dad can do absolutely anything. This is where it's grossly unfair to men that may have affection for me. (putting my sons, aside) Living in my Father's shadow is not easy. He is truly a great, great man. He is the Most Interesting Man Alive. And he is my measuring stick for all other men. Sure it's not fair, but it is what it is.

After a lot of circle jerking here, let me get to my point. I struggle with the reverence and admiration held for independent thinking men, versus the trepidation and consternation for an independent thinking woman. I am no feminist, I know the sexes are not equal. I would never seek to emasculate a man, nor would I want a man to feel less than or intimidated because I like to think for myself. I'd rather bring as much to the table. Beauty fades and I'm not interested in seeing what I can get from a man. A union between two people should be joining of forces, each should have skills or talents or qualities that complement the other. We as women should not be allow to slowly bleed a man to the point of resentment. Some relationships fail and others succeed. We were not meant to be wholly monogamous. We choose to be. I want someone to add benefit to my life, not take away from theirs in the hopes of filling some void in my own life, because I didn't push myself to my potential.

The idea of 'happy wife, happy life' is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. It may work for some people, but the idea behind it is bone-chilling. It's emasculating to men and condescending. The idea that women hold the key to happiness in a marriage must've come from someone incredibly ignorant or very confused. Happiness isn't tangible, it doesn't come from material things, it doesn't come from sex. Happiness is a feeling. It's existing in a moment. Its the here and now. Not tomorrow. It's not later today, its how you feel and what you take from those feelings and those moments. The euphoria you feel post-coital or how you can't stop smiling because someone made you almost pee your pants from a joke. Or the picture your child drew that has people mesmerized by their abilities. Maybe because out of nowhere someone tells you just how great you make them feel. Those things are where I find my happiness. I recognize everyone seeks to gratify their own wants.

I suppose what I'm getting at is, are men and women admired and respected for independent thinking in the same way? Are men and women even remotely equal on this forum? If not, what makes each sex different. If so - give me examples, as I really want to have an understanding. I'd like to see all perspectives. Not removing my own personal experience, I would answer with a finite No.

I'd love to be wrong here.