Several weeks ago, I dreamt of a black and white tigress. Tigers are symbolic to me and often appear in my dreams just prior to a major change in my life. If you're a skeptic - save your judgemental bullsh*t, this isn't meant to imply my dreams become reality. It's just one of those things darting through my mind and I felt the need to share.
I can't relay the panic and fear I felt as this tigress was quietly stalking me as prey through the maze of cubicles in the office. The parking lot was full of cars and it was daylight when I used my badge to gain access to the building. Once inside, everything was gravely dark. Intense and immediate fear washed over me in that stairwell - I knew I had to hide, but I surely couldn't hide there. As I crept through the empty office I could see out the windows. My co-workers were running and screaming in the parking lot. It was pitch black save for the dim light from the glorious full moon. I couldnt make out any of their faces, but I knew they were my co-workers. Someone was being ripped apart and their horrific screams eventually trailed off. I was paralyzed in fear. I couldn't move, I knew the tigress had seen me. She gracefully leapt through the parking lot towards a back window. Only then was I able to move - a split second later I bobbing and weaving through the cubicles, sweat pouring down my back. I had managed to move unseen through the doors and past the lobby to the other side of the building. I found myself in the bathroom, only this wasn't any of the bathrooms at work, this was a bathroom from a scene in a scary movie(one that scared the bejesus out of me years prior). I had run into one of the back stalls and got as low to the ground as I could. There was a candle lit, but I didn't see it until I heard the tigress' large paws come into the bathroom. Damn it, why had I not blown that candle out?! I held my breath and watched the large cat as she moved carefully, quietly. My eyes shifted for only a moment and when I looked back to see where she was - her face was right in front of mine. She let out a low growl and her large teeth bared as if grinning, she tilted her head just slightly. I closed my eyes as if in a trance and ready to meet death - but when I opened them, I was the tigress staring into the mirror next to the lit candle.
Since childhood, I've had reoccuring dreams and nightmares. Sometimes the people or places interchange and sometimes it's the same. I can't shake this dream. The events that followed a week or so later would devastate my life. I haven't been the same since.
Thankfully, I'm moving forward. Oddly enough, all these changes remind me of the song, Landslide. Somehow the lyrics just resonate with me.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
An old friend stopped by to see me. We always stayed in touch and he could sense my hour of need. I was in no condition to entertain and quite leary at first, but he insisted. I had nothing to lose so I mustered up the strength. Turns out it was an absolutely exquisite evening. It felt good to forget everything for a while and catch-up and laugh.
I keep playing it over and over again in my mind, it was like watching film noir. I got all dolled up and immediately was aglow, I felt glamorous and radiant like Ava Gardner in Hemingway's The Killers or Yvonne De Carlo in Criss Cross. My dark hair perfect until possessed by the strong cool breeze, my skin like porcelain and my lips a deep red. The night was abundant with mystery and intrigue.
There had always been a connection between us. The conversation captivating, as usual, his compliments genuine, it was child-like reverie. His gaze can still make me blush, it's like a fever. It was so powerful it sent goosebumps through me and I began to shiver. Always chivalrous, he offered his jacket for warmth. I declined, I needed to feel alive.
The magnetism between us is still very compelling. He was a perfect gentleman and my soul was rich from the much needed pampering. His personality just as sparkling and beautiful as I remembered, and his dark sense of humor came with such ease. It was a rather serendipitous evening and his company was most enchanting.
I feel like I can breathe, I'm even hopeful.
I keep playing it over and over again in my mind, it was like watching film noir. I got all dolled up and immediately was aglow, I felt glamorous and radiant like Ava Gardner in Hemingway's The Killers or Yvonne De Carlo in Criss Cross. My dark hair perfect until possessed by the strong cool breeze, my skin like porcelain and my lips a deep red. The night was abundant with mystery and intrigue.
There had always been a connection between us. The conversation captivating, as usual, his compliments genuine, it was child-like reverie. His gaze can still make me blush, it's like a fever. It was so powerful it sent goosebumps through me and I began to shiver. Always chivalrous, he offered his jacket for warmth. I declined, I needed to feel alive.
The magnetism between us is still very compelling. He was a perfect gentleman and my soul was rich from the much needed pampering. His personality just as sparkling and beautiful as I remembered, and his dark sense of humor came with such ease. It was a rather serendipitous evening and his company was most enchanting.
I feel like I can breathe, I'm even hopeful.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Fascinated...
As I open the link, I bite down on my bottom lip and swallow hard. "I'm going to enjoy this," I say aloud. *sigh* Was that pride or blood I just tasted? I couldn't stop reading. I was starved for more and my appetite was voracious.
Why had I waited so long to read these blogs before? My personal intimate knowledge into the psyche of men, was debunked. Never have I claimed to know men and never will I. But here I sit fascinated by articles and posts on everything from 'How-to Hook-up Smart' to '16 Commandments on Poon' and finally onto 'The Fraud of Feminism'. WOW!!! Pour me a fresh cup of shut the f*ck up! OHHH I've been craving this insight. Every man is different, right? Ignorance is bliss, yes? I've been so naive flirting with the idea that a flea on a tyronnasaurus's arse could suck the life out of him in a day. Oh tomfoolery, perhaps my two cents could help recompense our nation's debt!
Now a follower of said blogs, the education will make for a game-changer.
Why had I waited so long to read these blogs before? My personal intimate knowledge into the psyche of men, was debunked. Never have I claimed to know men and never will I. But here I sit fascinated by articles and posts on everything from 'How-to Hook-up Smart' to '16 Commandments on Poon' and finally onto 'The Fraud of Feminism'. WOW!!! Pour me a fresh cup of shut the f*ck up! OHHH I've been craving this insight. Every man is different, right? Ignorance is bliss, yes? I've been so naive flirting with the idea that a flea on a tyronnasaurus's arse could suck the life out of him in a day. Oh tomfoolery, perhaps my two cents could help recompense our nation's debt!
Now a follower of said blogs, the education will make for a game-changer.
Directions needed
Through burning tears she struggled to see the road ahead. She was chasing ghosts and an inner voice that kept screaming "go, just drive". It had seemed like a good idea. She had been surprised with herself, not knowing she could still be so foolish for a man. Not after everything she'd been through. It just didn't seem plausible - it was impossible to believe this guy had penetrated her heart, even after discarding her so easily, once before. ...it was eye-opening. As that familiar pain welled up inside her, her heart would break once more. She really loved him. The jesture was juvenile, and she had abandoned responsibility and driven to show him how much he meant, how much she loves and cares for him. Not that anything that escaped her lips that night would help.
She had simply wanted him to stay. Oh how she had been enjoying his company. Strangely, he insisted on leaving. Many a night they had burned the midnight oil well into the wee hours of the morn, and on more than a few occasions in a week. This didn't sit right, or perhaps it was the alcohol, why had he been so adamant? Perplexed, she thought since his biggest complaint recently had been that they weren't spending enough time together, she should go see him. They had gone to bed by 11 the night before and the night before that. No matter how many times she revisited the conversations over the past couple weeks, things weren't adding up.
Why was he being revered and respected for dipping into her friend pool within 2 days of a break-up? That was unexpected behavior, she hadn't anticipated that. Nor did it fall along the lines of doing the right thing. He prided himself on that, so why this? Had his over-inflated ego blurred his vision?
She had known for a few days about the truth and his visit to his sister's house for dinner. He had gone into great detail on her inability to cook and how they had ordered out. How they had had a few drinks and discussed plans for Christmas.
Taking her for a fool, he had disrespected and undermined her intelligence. She waited and hoped he would clear the air, she even revisited conversations to give the opportunity. She knew about the day off, how he had cleaned his place and car spotless. He was getting ready for what he had hoped would be a good time. Later he would go on to say his date had serious jealousy and trust issues and he washow it had frightened him about her obvious pride in doling out vengeance through violence.
Yes, she was overwhelmed with joy when he had called her - he wanted to be held by her. After so much push-back all week and his being steadfast in his decision. (one she had misconstrued as just a fight) Looking back now she wonders if his disappointment in his date left him lonely. Does this mean his actions that night were veiled in lies? Why hadn't he not prevailed upon honesty and told her the truth? Didn't he know that office was a rumor mill? And word had spread quickly like wildfire.
Had she become his second or third choice? Over the last few months when other opportunities to do something with other people presented themselves, he seemed far more content to oblige them. Even in the midst of their come home to honesty and let's fix our relationship, he kept a lunchdate with a friend, he had just seen two days prior. When she asked why, he responded with 'he liked to keep his word'.
He was always doing all the fun stuff without her, explained only by his need to not be alone. True, she was a single Mom and the burden of being both parents would fall on her often, giving her less time to herself or with him. She thought he understood, as he had two girls of his own. She had always been honest, letting him know how she had wished she could be with him.
What now presents itself is how disturbingly at ease he is with the idea of giving up. Egg shells break under her feet. When asked how or why on any subject matter, his statement is how he will not stand for a cross-examination. 97% of the of their flare ups would be blamed on her urge to share her opinion so honestly or her feelings. Many a fight was beyond the realm of ridiculous, what should have been discussion, could turn on a moment. Nasty words and insults ensued from both their mouths, the sting could bite through steel. His growing discomfort with her was becoming more and more evident. All he could say was how self-focused she had become and what about his feelings. Some of those issues revolved around many of their unresolved issues. And never mind that romance seemed to escape either of them. She was trying to ground herself and everything in her world spun out of control and it all fell apart so quick there was no denying her struggle. Her mind spread so thin, so inevitably he felt neglected. But had he become blind to his own issues?
How could something bigger than the moon, fall to earth at lightning speed? Who was to blame? Were either of them any more to blame than the other? Life had been going on and getting in the way, all the while their absence to each other would have an impact on both begging perilous questions. But fate had been decided, more than a year ago. Though her heart battled her logical mind, she already known for some time. In her heart, she knew his love wasn't true, her purpose had been served. She had helped to heal him and been there for him and when it was great - it was beyond words, he had cherished her so deeply, but he had changed. She knew she saw something in him, she hadn't seen before.
Nothing is perfect and anything worth having, usually comes at a cost. To say she didn't love him unconditionally would be untrue, and she just couldn't lie to herself. Letting go is never easy, and her past proved over and over again that it is still the hardest thing for her to do. She will always love him, he will always have a special place in her heart. She will forever mourn the incredible friendship they once shared. This will surely prove to be the most difficult of all to let go.
She had simply wanted him to stay. Oh how she had been enjoying his company. Strangely, he insisted on leaving. Many a night they had burned the midnight oil well into the wee hours of the morn, and on more than a few occasions in a week. This didn't sit right, or perhaps it was the alcohol, why had he been so adamant? Perplexed, she thought since his biggest complaint recently had been that they weren't spending enough time together, she should go see him. They had gone to bed by 11 the night before and the night before that. No matter how many times she revisited the conversations over the past couple weeks, things weren't adding up.
Why was he being revered and respected for dipping into her friend pool within 2 days of a break-up? That was unexpected behavior, she hadn't anticipated that. Nor did it fall along the lines of doing the right thing. He prided himself on that, so why this? Had his over-inflated ego blurred his vision?
She had known for a few days about the truth and his visit to his sister's house for dinner. He had gone into great detail on her inability to cook and how they had ordered out. How they had had a few drinks and discussed plans for Christmas.
Taking her for a fool, he had disrespected and undermined her intelligence. She waited and hoped he would clear the air, she even revisited conversations to give the opportunity. She knew about the day off, how he had cleaned his place and car spotless. He was getting ready for what he had hoped would be a good time. Later he would go on to say his date had serious jealousy and trust issues and he washow it had frightened him about her obvious pride in doling out vengeance through violence.
Yes, she was overwhelmed with joy when he had called her - he wanted to be held by her. After so much push-back all week and his being steadfast in his decision. (one she had misconstrued as just a fight) Looking back now she wonders if his disappointment in his date left him lonely. Does this mean his actions that night were veiled in lies? Why hadn't he not prevailed upon honesty and told her the truth? Didn't he know that office was a rumor mill? And word had spread quickly like wildfire.
Had she become his second or third choice? Over the last few months when other opportunities to do something with other people presented themselves, he seemed far more content to oblige them. Even in the midst of their come home to honesty and let's fix our relationship, he kept a lunchdate with a friend, he had just seen two days prior. When she asked why, he responded with 'he liked to keep his word'.
He was always doing all the fun stuff without her, explained only by his need to not be alone. True, she was a single Mom and the burden of being both parents would fall on her often, giving her less time to herself or with him. She thought he understood, as he had two girls of his own. She had always been honest, letting him know how she had wished she could be with him.
What now presents itself is how disturbingly at ease he is with the idea of giving up. Egg shells break under her feet. When asked how or why on any subject matter, his statement is how he will not stand for a cross-examination. 97% of the of their flare ups would be blamed on her urge to share her opinion so honestly or her feelings. Many a fight was beyond the realm of ridiculous, what should have been discussion, could turn on a moment. Nasty words and insults ensued from both their mouths, the sting could bite through steel. His growing discomfort with her was becoming more and more evident. All he could say was how self-focused she had become and what about his feelings. Some of those issues revolved around many of their unresolved issues. And never mind that romance seemed to escape either of them. She was trying to ground herself and everything in her world spun out of control and it all fell apart so quick there was no denying her struggle. Her mind spread so thin, so inevitably he felt neglected. But had he become blind to his own issues?
How could something bigger than the moon, fall to earth at lightning speed? Who was to blame? Were either of them any more to blame than the other? Life had been going on and getting in the way, all the while their absence to each other would have an impact on both begging perilous questions. But fate had been decided, more than a year ago. Though her heart battled her logical mind, she already known for some time. In her heart, she knew his love wasn't true, her purpose had been served. She had helped to heal him and been there for him and when it was great - it was beyond words, he had cherished her so deeply, but he had changed. She knew she saw something in him, she hadn't seen before.
Nothing is perfect and anything worth having, usually comes at a cost. To say she didn't love him unconditionally would be untrue, and she just couldn't lie to herself. Letting go is never easy, and her past proved over and over again that it is still the hardest thing for her to do. She will always love him, he will always have a special place in her heart. She will forever mourn the incredible friendship they once shared. This will surely prove to be the most difficult of all to let go.
Monday, October 22, 2012
It's safe to say there are variables to consider in each version of the truth. Three; my truth, your truth and the actual truth.
What's important to remember is that what I perceive to be the truth, may be not be what you perceive. If the antonym of truth is falsity or falsehood, then perhaps we should first set out to define the truth. Truth: the state or character of the matter or reality.
I believe truth to be full disclosure of any and all important relative factual detailed information that can impact the eventual outcome of an impending situation. What either party may see as pertinent, is actually irrelevant as the truth is actual facts and what may be of no consequence to me, may be of crucial importance to you. Clarifying that the truth is the actual summary of events, actions, spoken words, etc and not emotions. Discussing the way those things impressed upon your emotions is what and how most people see fit to relay their version of the truth. Understand, that not diminishing or dismissing someone's feelings is a treacherous task and can be very tricky. In fact, it may be the worst part of telling the truth. Which is why the population in general may be split in wanting to know the truth.
Feelings and emotions play no role in the delivery, whereas, they are the singularly most important factor to the outcome, upon learning the truth.
Be honest with yourself, first. Once you can achieve that, being honest with others becomes a little easier. It's the outcome after delivering the message we all fear the most. This is why there are so many "white lies". In general we don't want to hurt the other person. We tell an 'adaptation' (if you will) of the truth. Good intentions are probably driving this and sometimes they aren't. An 'adaptation' of the truth is not the truth.
Be prepared when asking for the truth. You may find it isn't what you thought it would be and it could forever alter your decisions and your life OR it could set you free. If telling the truth sets you free, than the truth was somehow negatively impressing upon your psyche. If learning the truth sets you free, than it's possible your thirst for that knowledge has been satisfied. Just be careful what you wish for...
Again, it's my way of weighing in, without saying much at all. The subject may be of relevance in many facets of my life and/or many of yours.
What's important to remember is that what I perceive to be the truth, may be not be what you perceive. If the antonym of truth is falsity or falsehood, then perhaps we should first set out to define the truth. Truth: the state or character of the matter or reality.
I believe truth to be full disclosure of any and all important relative factual detailed information that can impact the eventual outcome of an impending situation. What either party may see as pertinent, is actually irrelevant as the truth is actual facts and what may be of no consequence to me, may be of crucial importance to you. Clarifying that the truth is the actual summary of events, actions, spoken words, etc and not emotions. Discussing the way those things impressed upon your emotions is what and how most people see fit to relay their version of the truth. Understand, that not diminishing or dismissing someone's feelings is a treacherous task and can be very tricky. In fact, it may be the worst part of telling the truth. Which is why the population in general may be split in wanting to know the truth.
Feelings and emotions play no role in the delivery, whereas, they are the singularly most important factor to the outcome, upon learning the truth.
Be honest with yourself, first. Once you can achieve that, being honest with others becomes a little easier. It's the outcome after delivering the message we all fear the most. This is why there are so many "white lies". In general we don't want to hurt the other person. We tell an 'adaptation' (if you will) of the truth. Good intentions are probably driving this and sometimes they aren't. An 'adaptation' of the truth is not the truth.
Be prepared when asking for the truth. You may find it isn't what you thought it would be and it could forever alter your decisions and your life OR it could set you free. If telling the truth sets you free, than the truth was somehow negatively impressing upon your psyche. If learning the truth sets you free, than it's possible your thirst for that knowledge has been satisfied. Just be careful what you wish for...
Again, it's my way of weighing in, without saying much at all. The subject may be of relevance in many facets of my life and/or many of yours.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Love...
"Love must be as much a light, as it is a flame." ~ Henry David Thoreau
"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
"We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh." ~ Agnes Repplier
"Love was always the goal, and my point every step of the way was that nothing is wrong with love, no matter what flavor it comes in." ~ Ani Difranco
"Love never fails, people fail at love." ~ Anonymous
"Love - it´s inside you, don´t look around, you never find it if you don´t love yourself." ~ Anonymous
"I know I'm not your first love, but I hope I will be your last love."~ Anonymous
"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." ~
Aristotle
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~
Lao Tzo
"A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy." ~
George Jean Nathan
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." `
Mother Teresa
"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul." ~
Judy Garland
Love is a many splendid thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love!
~ from the movie Moulin Rouge ~
I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for their religion -
I have shudder'd at it.
I shudder no more.
I could be martyr'd for my religion
Love is my religion
And I could die for that.
I could die for you.
~ by John Keats ~
" Once in a while, in the middle of an ordinary life,
love gives us a fairy tale " Unknown
"We come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." ~ Sam Keen
"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
"We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh." ~ Agnes Repplier
"Love was always the goal, and my point every step of the way was that nothing is wrong with love, no matter what flavor it comes in." ~ Ani Difranco
"Love never fails, people fail at love." ~ Anonymous
"Love - it´s inside you, don´t look around, you never find it if you don´t love yourself." ~ Anonymous
"I know I'm not your first love, but I hope I will be your last love."~ Anonymous
"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." ~
Aristotle
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~
Lao Tzo
"A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy." ~
George Jean Nathan
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." `
Mother Teresa
"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul." ~
Judy Garland
Love is a many splendid thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love!
~ from the movie Moulin Rouge ~
I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for their religion -
I have shudder'd at it.
I shudder no more.
I could be martyr'd for my religion
Love is my religion
And I could die for that.
I could die for you.
~ by John Keats ~
" Once in a while, in the middle of an ordinary life,
love gives us a fairy tale " Unknown
"We come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." ~ Sam Keen
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Finding the Courage
I believe my child-like eyes have deceived me and my ego has taken a nasty hit. Everything I thought I knew, well. I feel like I'm 18 again and trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
Seems ridiculous, to be here again. I'm an adult, aren't I? Trying to gain control of a downward spiral is truly challenging. The lingering affect still burns, but I will always find my way. Of course, I choose now to stop, re-evaluate everything and conjure up some courage. Though, I'd say Courage was never an issue for me. In fact, friends say I like to charge head-on. I have to conquer my fears, it's just part of who I am. Sure I could change, but do I want to?
The inner turmoil and multitude of conflict seems to center around that one little question. The answer could change everything. So I'm going to weigh in as much as I can without truly revealing much at all.
One could say I have changed, only to revisit that same One, that could say I'm flawed and in need of some change. Well perhaps there's truth to all of it. We're human, and to grow and develop is natural. It's also natural to hold onto things ideas or images. So often we revisit our past, and that's good. It's meant to be a measuring stick in our lives, to know how far we've come and how far we have to go. There are precious memories and nostalgia, wisdom and experiences to draw from, but the problem with the past is, it's also haunting and debilitating. Giving us proclivities that won't allow for change - sub-conscious defense mechanisms kick in naturally.
So why is so much of a good thing also a bad thing? Truth is, there are things in my life that have come undone. Some good, some bad. What matters is I'm pushing forward. I can throw all my cards in the air, and wait to see where they fall or I can snatch an Ace out of the air if I'm talented enough. Either way, no risk no gain. I'm backed against a wall and I will claw, bite, punch, and do whatever is necessary to get beyond the obstacles. I don't have all the answers. No one does. No one's life is sanctimonious. We are all flawed. Guess it's what comes with being human. I can't make promises to others before making them to myself.
Not left to my own devices, but choosing to make my own decisions. It is afterall my life. I don't keep my own counsel, I just march to my own beat, I'm my own drummer. Why is it right for anyone to tell me how to live my life? Why is it so easy for others to have my life all figured out - when they need to do some house-keeping. Don't judge me. Walk 10 feet in my heels, it's impossible. I don't pretend to have all the answers for other people's lives, nor do I weigh in with judgement - so what gives anybody the right to judge me?
I will NOT go quietly into the night. I never have before. I was born a fighter, I will always be a fighter, and I am proud of my courage to fight. I have faith in my, this girl will ALWAYS find her way.
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