Potential

I'm not even sure what I'm doing. Does it even matter that I have this ominous uneasy feeling? Am I ready for anything to progress? I'm crazy about him. But all my previous relationships were in fast forward and didn't play out well. I just don't think I'm ready. I have so many important things going on that consume me. And it feels like we don't really have a chance. He's damaged goods and thinks I'm going to be like one of his ex's. I'm damaged goods and think he'll turn out to be one of my ex's. I don't even think he likes me all that much any more. I know, I know...the butterflies and all that don't last forever. Funny. I still feel them, but I'm a hopeless romantic. I accept that there will be times when things become stagnant. I'm pretty creative, I think I can handle it. He's a young single bachelor that isn't willing to include me in certain aspects of his life. I'm willing to make room for him - but there are aspects of mine, I'm not sure of too. It's terrifying! No wonder neither of us can get past this awkward moment. I'll tell you this much, I know what I don't want. Still I like him enough to see if this could live up to its potential.

Precarious situation

So - I was able to sort a few things out with dude. But only to find myself completely clueless where to go from here. I got to tell you, I'm so confused, and I'm not liking this at all. What the what? I refuse to be a 2nd option. So - guess I'm going to have to take matters into my own hands. It's a bit of a precarious situation I'm in.

Why am I still be stalked by one guy? While the one I really like could care less? And then there's one showing a real active interest (for now) and another trying - thinks he's slick!?

Yes I know I seem vulnerable - but really?

Hot to Cold

My friends tell me, move on and forget about this guy. If he isn't mature enough to see where this could go or smart enough to see what's in front of him than, why waste my time? Yes, there is truth to that - but I can't get him out of my head. I'm trying desperately to shake this off. In a brief amount of time, I've come to care about him and I KNOW he cares about me. It was too great of a connection, a beautiful journey, a real romance. Now, I wear a smile and laugh so no one (save for one) is the wiser. This is frustrating beyond belief over what the hell happened! Truly an enigma! And to go on pretending like this didn't have a tremendous impact emotionally and then continue to talk to him, is proving to be an absolute challenge. Normally, I go head first (yes, occasionally with no real thought) when a challenge presents itself, but this one...I can't just let it go. I am going to have to confront this face to face. I have to reconcile my feelings and get closure. You just don't go from that hot to ice cold. You just don't! You just don't!!

At least try...

So, I've been sulking. And yes - it's all about a guy. I refuse to let him know how sad I actually am, but if he is still tuned in at all to me, then he probably knows. And it pisses me off! I don't like giving up that control, but it's my fault because I wear my heart on my sleeve.

So I keep going over this whole thing...again and again. I just don't get it. How do you go from "I've never liked anyone this much" to nothing. I am beyond baffled. How do you just turn that off? We're still talking, though it's tapered off and the flirting(sadly - because WOW) has slowed to a crawl. And why is he keeping the line of communication so open? Is he trying to keep peace so things aren't awkward? Is he trying to make sure I don't fall apart and go psycho? (haha - that last one was ridiculously funny) I don't fall apart and I don't go psycho. Is he unsure of his decision?

It's driving me crazy! Was he just that good of a player? Saying all the right things, doing all the right things. No - I don't believe that. (though I've been wrong) We had a very intense, very deep connection. No one has made me feel that silly and girly and excited since, well...I don't know when. Argh!!

What do I do? I have no say in this. I just leave it alone, I guess. Maybe I should just go on a date or something...already had 2 guys ask. Just doesn't feel right though. It's not fair either, they could be good guys. How did I let this happen? Why does this hurt so much?? It's not supposed to hurt like this. I'm supposed to be able to turn it off just like he did. Then why can't I? This is so completely frustrating! Confused and pissed! The jerk!

Something is up...I feel it. Something else is contributing to this other than my screw up and his not wanting to at least try. I mean - really, at least try...or was it all a lie?

And just like that...make no mistake about it!

A Beastie Boys song comes to mind...Sabotage. Yes, it was me that ultimately set this in motion. I got all girlie about an incident and let's just say my approach was less than tactful. Needless, to say - it got him to thinking. He isn't ready for a relationship. He doesn't want to answer to anyone. I expressed some discontent for the way I feel he treated me. And it got him thinking...so now, it's over. Not let's slow down or give me some time because I really like you and I don't know where to go from here. No - it's just done. Because any expression of feelings from a woman is taboo. Let's face it. There were odds stacked against us to begin with - like age. He's 30, I'm older. He's a devoted bachelor, I'm a hopeless romantic. Bruised and damaged. Worst part is I really, really liked him. Still do. Cried for a while, crying again - because I'm like a lovelorn teenager. (and all sensitive) I want to say at least he was honest - but it fucking hurts. So now the walls go flying up. Because sadly, I thought but this might lead to something. Just answer me this - how do go from telling someone you really like them and you could fall for them and you can't stop thinking about them to nothing? This is going to hurt, but I will wear a smile and pick myself up. I have pride - I always find my way...always. Make no mistake about it!

Crazy Cool

I have to say, my dating life is really good right now. I'm going with the flow. I'm liking this guy more and more. (yeah, even get butterflies!) He is such a gentleman and romantic!!! He is so crazy cool, I'm baffled. I deserve a great guy, and for once, I think I got lucky. He makes me laugh so much and we're so on the same page, it's insane. He's thoughtful and considerate and sexy. Just keeping my fingers crossed and hoping it doesn't lose momentum.