What has come over me? I am giddy like a school girl, infatuated, crushin and ridiculously happy, thanks to this amazing guy. It's silly I know, but I really don't know what to do. He says the sweetest most unbelievable things to me. I mean I really like him. And not just because of the things he says, never mind how thoughtful he is or that he opens doors and is a complete gentleman...he gets me, he actually gets me.
He's incredibly funny, and I'm so comfortable when I'm with him. He is soooo cute (and modest? he has absolutely no idea of just how cute he is) the humility is killin me. Most guys are cocky and self-absorbed. Not him! He's just so different in a million interesting ways. He's so smart and he actually listens to what I say. (like recapping a previous conversation - what?!) He's affectionate and truly attentive. It's all too good to be true. A huge smile comes across my face when he calls, or when I catch him lookin at me or when he texts me.
I know, I know - it's completely ridiculous that I feel this way in such a short period of time, but I'm just going with the flow. I'm resisting the urge to be suspicious or over-analyze or overthink, and I have absolutely no reason to be those things. He's given me no reason to believe otherwise - he's been honest and open. It's crazy - crazy, I say!
Please tell me I'm not dreaming! Don't screw this up...please don't screw this up!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Strength
So I was cleaning out and organizing paperwork and I found a poem I wrote in one of my darkest moments. Just after a horrific break-up with my ex-fiancee. Be warned, it is dark. I've come a long, long way since then.
White knuckles on a balled fist.
Grinding my teeth & biting down in despair.
Anger. Rage. Hate.
I see red, orange and blue flames burning.
My chest is blazing with pain.
Frozen icy numbness creeps quietly, slowly.
Love is lost, nothing but bitter stillness.
The seething rage is beneath my skin.
Twisted and tortured > turmoil spinning relentlessly in my head.
Alone - again, alone with troubling thoughts.
Bruised, beaaten, broken and changed infinitely.
Fighting back tears blood red with hate.
Restraining the heart to maintain the soul.
Wanting to run and hide from too many watcthful eyes.
To burn alone swimming in pools of endless pain
Wishing mountainous wall could rise up to protect my weakened pulse.
No longer heightened with joy and love - only pain feels real.
Eyes forcefully turned away before a river of hot tears
Begins to flow away from a gaze now empty & hardened.
Gone is the fire that once fiercely lit them.
Look away I must or suffer the cruelty of coldness.
Breathing is shallow, my chest is heavy.
I can't breathe, I can't fake a smile, I can't stop the tears.
Cringing. Locking it up and turning it off.
Later, later I will grieve - but now I must find strength.
'I must find strength.
I did find more strength than you can imagine. And I'm so glad I found my way through that, it was quite possibly one of the most bleak moments in my life. If it wasn't for my family (my kids and parents and brothers) who were a rock and supported me, I'd never have survived. My Mom called me every single day, sometimes a dozen times a day, just to make sure I was alive. My parents would bring food and money, which was wonderful because I didn't know how to ask for help. I didn't know how to tell my family that the man I loved - had broken my ribs, almost broke my elbow, obliterated my sinus cavity, put a gun in my face and was still using. The danger we were in - was beyond anyone's knowledge. I didn't know how to tell anyone. I tried so hard to hide everything from everyone. My son knew though. The refrigerator was broken, so we lived out of a cooler. There was no hot water, no A/C for over 3 months. My kids and I shared a room with 3 fans to make it through the grueling 100 degree summer. I lost over 40 pounds and was at my lowest weight. I would go days without eating to ensure that my kids did eat. The damage that was done by someone I trusted and loved more than life itself was irreparable. But the depression that almost killed me was after I found the strength to kick him out. Still I have no regrets. My kids are incredible and amazing and you've never seen or met anyone quite like them. A 14 year old young man stood in the face of a 6'2" 240 lb man with more courage than I've ever seen before. This would make for more than the dozen times that my son saved my life. I had made some poor choices following my heart. Drugs and addiction can do things to people. I was trying to save someone who couldn't be saved. In the process I lost so much of who I was, I neglected my kids and I put them in harms' way. There were times I thought I'd never live through that broken heart. There were times I thought I'd never be able to look my kids in the face. It took me a long time to recover and even longer to forgive myself. I've come a long way. My kids are my world. They are my rock. They are my everything. The bond I have with them is unbreakable. Lots of people say they have great relationships with their kids - but I can't imagine anything better than the one I have with my kids. I don't like to dwell on the past. But I do like to look back on my life and see just how far I've come.
White knuckles on a balled fist.
Grinding my teeth & biting down in despair.
Anger. Rage. Hate.
I see red, orange and blue flames burning.
My chest is blazing with pain.
Frozen icy numbness creeps quietly, slowly.
Love is lost, nothing but bitter stillness.
The seething rage is beneath my skin.
Twisted and tortured > turmoil spinning relentlessly in my head.
Alone - again, alone with troubling thoughts.
Bruised, beaaten, broken and changed infinitely.
Fighting back tears blood red with hate.
Restraining the heart to maintain the soul.
Wanting to run and hide from too many watcthful eyes.
To burn alone swimming in pools of endless pain
Wishing mountainous wall could rise up to protect my weakened pulse.
No longer heightened with joy and love - only pain feels real.
Eyes forcefully turned away before a river of hot tears
Begins to flow away from a gaze now empty & hardened.
Gone is the fire that once fiercely lit them.
Look away I must or suffer the cruelty of coldness.
Breathing is shallow, my chest is heavy.
I can't breathe, I can't fake a smile, I can't stop the tears.
Cringing. Locking it up and turning it off.
Later, later I will grieve - but now I must find strength.
'I must find strength.
I did find more strength than you can imagine. And I'm so glad I found my way through that, it was quite possibly one of the most bleak moments in my life. If it wasn't for my family (my kids and parents and brothers) who were a rock and supported me, I'd never have survived. My Mom called me every single day, sometimes a dozen times a day, just to make sure I was alive. My parents would bring food and money, which was wonderful because I didn't know how to ask for help. I didn't know how to tell my family that the man I loved - had broken my ribs, almost broke my elbow, obliterated my sinus cavity, put a gun in my face and was still using. The danger we were in - was beyond anyone's knowledge. I didn't know how to tell anyone. I tried so hard to hide everything from everyone. My son knew though. The refrigerator was broken, so we lived out of a cooler. There was no hot water, no A/C for over 3 months. My kids and I shared a room with 3 fans to make it through the grueling 100 degree summer. I lost over 40 pounds and was at my lowest weight. I would go days without eating to ensure that my kids did eat. The damage that was done by someone I trusted and loved more than life itself was irreparable. But the depression that almost killed me was after I found the strength to kick him out. Still I have no regrets. My kids are incredible and amazing and you've never seen or met anyone quite like them. A 14 year old young man stood in the face of a 6'2" 240 lb man with more courage than I've ever seen before. This would make for more than the dozen times that my son saved my life. I had made some poor choices following my heart. Drugs and addiction can do things to people. I was trying to save someone who couldn't be saved. In the process I lost so much of who I was, I neglected my kids and I put them in harms' way. There were times I thought I'd never live through that broken heart. There were times I thought I'd never be able to look my kids in the face. It took me a long time to recover and even longer to forgive myself. I've come a long way. My kids are my world. They are my rock. They are my everything. The bond I have with them is unbreakable. Lots of people say they have great relationships with their kids - but I can't imagine anything better than the one I have with my kids. I don't like to dwell on the past. But I do like to look back on my life and see just how far I've come.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
The Wait...
I totally screwed up. I let my thoughts and tendency to overanalyze take over. Usually I can turn it off - but he saw right through me. He's great...everything's intense and I really like him. But it's scaring the hell out of me. Things are moving fast and I think neither one of us knows what to do, or where to go from here. And the worst thing I could've done was bring up awkward questions or reveal how much I like him. Momentum was lost. Little worried now that he will back off completely. Damn. Just have to wait it out and see what happens. Wherever the wind blows I guess.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Surreal
How can this be?? Just when I needed a man to renew my faith...wouldn't you know one came along!! I'm in a daze too, because it all seems so surreal. I really don't know what to think, too good to be true? Here comes this guy...someone I really like, a lot in common, great sense of humor, great-looking, good principles, affectionate, thoughtful and strangely I think he really likes me. Our first official date was amazing and we both are acting like high school kids. WOW - I hope this doesn't lose momentum, I'm enjoying it way too much. Keeping my fingers crossed!!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
I said it!
It doesn't happen very often, but every once in a while people shock you. I don't want to jinx anything and I definitely don't want to over-analyze but I had a really great time tonight. There, I said it! Why am I all giggly and silly inside like a school girl?
Friday, April 9, 2010
Ouch
Ouch. That hurt. Yep, it definitely left a mark. I just don't get it. Why can't I meet a nice guy? A guy that actually respects me? It would be nice to find a guy that truly has an interest in me, not just my panties. WTF! I know I'm worth more than this. Grrrrr!
Really?? I'm so desperately trying not to become a male bashing lesbian fembot. And no that's not a jab at lesbians. I am so frustrated right now. Someone renew my faith in men...please!
Really?? I'm so desperately trying not to become a male bashing lesbian fembot. And no that's not a jab at lesbians. I am so frustrated right now. Someone renew my faith in men...please!
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Online hook-up
Does anyone actually have a successful relationship via online dating? It cracks me up! You see all the sensational commercials showing these couples that met and are now soulmates. It's a farce! I mean really? People lie online more so than they lie to your face. I would love to hear a real successful love story where two people connected and are now Mr and Mrs or just happy as fat kids with cake. I'm calling bullshit. Just sayin... I think the online dating is just another means or channel for hook-ups like Facebook or Myspace etc... I know a few people that swear by it - I'd also like to add, they're still single. I don't know I think that sums it up - don't you?
Must love music
I'm so very tainted from chic flicks and romantic comedies. Got to love them, but my favorites are action or horror. Desperately trying to refrain from tears as I watch John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale find each other in 'Serendipity' also referred to as "a fortunate accident". Uh-yeah I need to let it go since I've seen it a dozen times. John Cusack is dreamy. At least I think he is from the characters he's portrayed. But I digress.
Thinking, as these types of movies often force me to do, about what it is I want. For starters...a companion, share secrets and inside jokes. Someone that will laugh with me (or at me) just gets my self-depricated twisted humor...and is witty and funny. Honesty, yes sometimes it hurts but its the Truth. Give me my space and take time for your own interests. I dont need you to define me. Enhance my life, make me want to be a better person. Have your own friends, we don't need to be attached at the hip. NO jealousy or possessiveness. Must love music. Passion, a perpetual burning flame. Must love kids. Patience. Loyalty. Intelligent...most definitely intelligent. Blow my mind and the rest of me will follow. Sex drive...well it had better be an insatiable appetite. Flawed with life experience, just not bitter and hateful. Understand I am flawed - far from perfect. There's a story there and it's a big part of the fabric and edifice of my essence and being. It's in the past...take me as I am, don't try to change me - I don't want to change you.
Thinking, as these types of movies often force me to do, about what it is I want. For starters...a companion, share secrets and inside jokes. Someone that will laugh with me (or at me) just gets my self-depricated twisted humor...and is witty and funny. Honesty, yes sometimes it hurts but its the Truth. Give me my space and take time for your own interests. I dont need you to define me. Enhance my life, make me want to be a better person. Have your own friends, we don't need to be attached at the hip. NO jealousy or possessiveness. Must love music. Passion, a perpetual burning flame. Must love kids. Patience. Loyalty. Intelligent...most definitely intelligent. Blow my mind and the rest of me will follow. Sex drive...well it had better be an insatiable appetite. Flawed with life experience, just not bitter and hateful. Understand I am flawed - far from perfect. There's a story there and it's a big part of the fabric and edifice of my essence and being. It's in the past...take me as I am, don't try to change me - I don't want to change you.
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