The drizzle of rain

And shadow of fog

Camouflage the tears falling.

My lips softly cradling the nape of your neck,

your flesh ready for my teeth to sink 

In a perfect world, I know exactly what I want to eat, pick the perfect restaurant, and your dick stays hard because I keep making good life choices that involve both of us.

Never regret loving. 

Everyone needs love. 

And not everyone knows how to love, also not everyone knows how to be loved. 

You cannot make another person love you. All you can do is give love.

yummy

Everyone wants to rush in. 

I love the intimacy of making out. The eye contact, the wandering hands, the absence of space with someone you want to keep kissing, the way the other person’s scent permeates the air and lingers, and the taste of desire on swollen lips, all the smiling and all of the glorious sounds. Mmm yummy!!

A lot like Love

I tried to hold onto water in my hands a few times; gripping as tightly as could to prevent spillage, and there was a few times it actually worked. I held it close cradling it, but eventually the water evaporated and I absorbed some of it and somehow the water became a part of me. 

Water taught me that I can’t hold on to everything, and I also can’t control everything. 

So I smile when water touches me, cleans me, nourishes me and yet still holds within it, the power of violence to drown and destroy me.

A lot like Love.

When they let you go, you have to find a way to be grateful they didn’t hold on. Yes it’s going to hurt, but you just let yourself feel that pain, you will find your strength.

First you will feel the cold changing you, your heart will shatter, and you will cut yourself on the jagged little pieces bloodstained and defeated at your feet. And you will tell yourself how you will never ever trust another living soul again. 

But you’ll plant gardens with beautiful flowers and plants, with the gleams piercing the cracks. Just let the light pour in and lovingly tend to your soul. You will make space again in your life for the better things coming. 

No one taught me how to carry a sword; I just picked it up one day and finally felt safe enough to make my own journey home.

I choose my playlist, 

drape my wrists 

around the steering wheel

and let the day escape me.

I give the best damned solo concert

on my way home from work.

~  a driving memoir

Unexpected Expected

The moment cold steel wedged deep between her delicate shoulders, was jarring. It was the unexpected expected. Though it was the agony of the infinite emotional bleed that followed that was more excruciating than her torn flesh. 

Grief followed the waves of reality; yet another had thrust their blade deep into the sinew of her spine.

It was always the same. She could never rest, she would always be looking over her shoulder; she would never be safe, no matter what foolish lies she wanted to believe.

Monsters

The truly brutal 

and dangerous monsters, 

rarely look 

like monsters at all!!

Safe

Forged in fire and flush with scars, she always carries her sword; she wasn’t just born for battle, she was skilled in the art of survival. She laughs with tears cascading down her cheeks, as she cuts you down and flays you open. 

What did you expect of her when you declared war? Did you think she would bow and live a life of servitude? 

Love has only ever been a battlefield. And she will always wage war if it means keeping her heart safe. 

It’s not always about being afraid of new love, dating or relationships, it’s more about the essence of old pain bubbling back up to the surface. 

what’s already yours

Scratching beneath the surface requires so little effort.

For this, you’ll have to dig deep.

You’ll have to be unshakable and draw from your best resource. 

For this, you’ll have to be fearless.

You’ll have to have moxie.

You’ll have to spit fire.

But you cannot always be 

all guts, and no glory.

You must take 

what’s already yours.

I am

I am the sea

I am the chaos and the calm

I am the ever changing tide

I am the riptide and the gulf stream

I am a drop in a vast ocean 

I am patiently waiting to be explored 

I am the depths and the shallows 

I am the wreck anchoring new life 

I am a ripple transform’d to waves

I am accosted by raging storms 

I am the glassy reflection of the sky

I am life and death

I am free to crash on rocks and sand

I am carried by the wind 

I am destruction

I am life

She hisses at the parchment paper, still crisp, defiantly waiting for the cover of darkness to bleed, to bloom.

Lucky enough

I don’t bear the weight of all the blame. I didn’t want to be a father, but I accepted that I had to step into a role I wasn’t prepared for. I got too comfortable as a single mom. I just did what had to be done. 

As single parents we take on this pseudo hybrid role of both parents. But we’re not meant to, and I had lost myself in it. As I began to question why I’m not as feminine as I used to be, I found that that lovely woman was a prism of light and beauty tucked away in the corners of her own mind. She was always there, she just wasn’t the lead anymore. 

I didn’t want to be a father. I didn’t want to have to be the sole provider. I didn’t want to have to have conversations with my sons their father should have had. I didn’t want to have conversations with my daughter her father should’ve had with her.

I draw strength from the woman, I am. I look back to give myself a smack on the ass and say you did pretty good, just look at those amazing humans you raised. 

This is not an explanation or an excuse. There are no trophies, or awards or accolades for stepping into roles we never wanted, and that’s okay. I don’t need the accolades. The sacrifices I made were mine to make. And the rewards far outweigh the sacrifices.

I’m not bitter about having to expand upon my energy, my time and my capabilities. My kids needed me, it’s an unconditional love, so without hesitation and without forethought, I just did what had to be done. 

I am not alone. There are many women like me. And there are a quite a few men that also took on both roles as a parent. 

I am sad though, because I think our kids need both parents. I don’t think being a single parent is what’s best for our kids, no matter how much we make it work - though sadly it has become the norm. 

There are a lot of things I did as a mom, that I’m very proud of and there are a lot of things that I had to do in a role I wasn’t meant for, that I did pretty well considering. Sure I made mistakes, that is normal. No parent is perfect. Two people raising their kids together, make lots of mistakes. 

In this moment of reflection, it may not have been fair to me, but more importantly it wasn’t fair to my kids. As their mother, it is my duty to ensure they have everything they need and that they feel loved. So I am at peace with having played both roles for as long as I have. If asked, I would tell you that I would’ve liked to have been just a mom, I would’ve liked their father to have stepped up more and done his part when they needed it most, when I was struggled the most. It is what it is. 

My father didn’t raise me to be a man. But I am forever grateful to have felt the amazing love and support that my father gave me. It certainly helped me to be better as a mom.

I’m exhausted with the notion that I have to be anything else. And although it seems that even I am confused about what that may look like at times, I’m not worried about living up to anyone’s expectations but my own. I don’t want gravity pulling me under because I can’t fill the shoes of a man. And - I don’t have to, I will always be their mom and that is more than enough. 

This era of my life is also for me, to just be a woman, a goddess, a queen, and the loving caring mother that I am lucky enough to be. 

And..

And 

what of that quiet burn?

How it spreads 

like wildfire just beneath the skin.

Such a quiet burn 

The blood as it thunders 

chasing lightning; raging.

Engorged, aroused. 

The ache, the agony, the anticipation.

Dripping sighs 

Tangled in the quickened breath 

of begging moans.

Show me, what of that quiet burn?

The mind bends and the heart breaks.

It’s hard to say which is worse.

They both hurt.

Universe

It will all be okay, it will. 

I don’t know how, but I do know it will be okay.

It may not be what we all think it should be, but it will be okay. 

The universe holds all our fates in the stars. Trust the universe. 

My mind knows best, how to punish me.

I will most likely also be stubborn in death. 

Not his baby

My toxic trait is I can get disrespectful if some random guy I don’t know tries to call me by any kind of affectionate name other than my actual name. 

The only man allowed to call me those kind of intimate names is the exclusive man in my life. I also need to know he’s not doling out those same names to every other female. 

On the other side of that, I’m southern, so I use terms of endearment like: sweetheart, sugar, cupcake, darling, love. 

Here’s the thing, if there was a guy in my life and he was uncomfortable with my southern manners, I would full on stop. Period. 

Getting called baby by some random dude means I will be educating said dude that I am in fact - Not his baby. 

That phase of healing where you have to look at the part you play in your own suffering, feels a lot like masochism. Oof! 

Last Days of Summer

Ahead in the distance I can see the rain. The sun is bright and illuminating the shadows of pouring rain. The water birds fight each other, but it’s peaceful other than that. I’m at my favorite Veteran’s Memorial Park having conversations with the sky praying for rain. 

This is the last day of summer. I got to see a perfect sunset at Indian Rocks Beach last night. And today I got to go hang out with my best friend and swim, we chilled out by the pool (mostly I did, since she was on mom duty). We floated on rafts a bit with drinks in hand and talked and giggled about life, then danced like idiots to her playlist, like it was water aerobics. 

There was a glorious sun shower while I was bathing in the sun and swimming like a mermaid. And I was fully present for the moment. 

Now. I’m walking barefoot; toes in the grass as dragonflies and bees wisp around me. I need to soak it all in. I won’t get to do this again soon enough.

Safe space

Honestly who wants to be loved in little increments and tiny pieces, those are just crumbs. I want to be loved wholly and consistently. 

Enough of these games already, especially the ones we hypocritically say we don’t play into. Either we are going to break down our own walls for each other in a safe space between us or just fucking forget it. I will not invest in someone who isn’t willing to invest in me. 

We all would like to feel loved and for the most part I believe we all know what each of us individually needs… to know we are loved. I cannot speak for anyone else. But I know what I need and what I want. They don’t always coexist on the same realm of reality. So trust me when I say I know the difference. 

I know what I need. 

Ripe lips ready for sinful kisses and thighs begging for finger bruises. 

Eat this wicked flesh until my bones tremble like a wind chime.

The Sun and The Moon

The moon 
hears all your secrets, 
wishes and dreams 

born of stars, 

she kisses your tears 

hidden beneath

black velvet skies, 

she embraces

your reticence 

concealed by daylight, 

she is your peace

She shares her light 

on your darkest nights 

and gives breadth 

to hope and all of your 

midnights 

You see

I know what it’s like

to be alone

and obscured by daylight 

I have never 

belonged

to this world

I am always

adrift in an 

endless cycles

phasing in and out

always circling the outside 

lost in a sea of

beauty from a billion stars

sometimes stealing the

warmth given by 

the sun

You must be 

the sun because 

you are brilliant and beautiful 

and your soul burns too 

bright for this world

but it never stops

you from

giving life to everything 

and always being 

a light

for everyone 

even when you are weary,

still, you burn 

And here I am 

selfish again

because 

I want to forget 

the world

that keeps us apart

I want to bathe 

and burn

in your light 

And feel our souls

melt into one

when our celestial

and ethereal 

bodies collide 

When I asked you to ruin me; I meant ruin my body, not my life.

You never understood that you cannot break me. 

I laugh because you cannot break me. 

Memories that conjure up old ghosts 

What woman wouldn’t instantly push her fingers down her panties, if a man could speak his emotions this honestly. And who better than Fyodor to set words on fire in my imagination. Fyodor is my lover now. He knows. 

“[…] he saw her, his heart throbbed violently, and all was dark before his eyes.” 

~Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

Fools

Maybe it’s the chorus of the dead

Maybe it’s the merriment of fools

absolution

I don’t seek 

absolution 

from my ‘sins’ 

I fuck

myself  in

reflection 

of them

with 

tremendous 

enthusiasm.

another crazy romantic notion

I was going to elaborate on the marvels of consistency in relationships. I stopped myself. 

My mom had complicated surgery and is struggling to recover. My dad has been by her side nonstop and as close as he can be while she’s in a nursing/rehab facility, despite struggling with his own ailments. Almost a year ago it was my dad in the hospital with a 13% chance to live and my mom never left his side.

I have seen devotion and love and a bond of real companionship so deeply rooted in my parent’s relationship that it’s both bittersweet and breathtaking to watch. 

I wish I could say I knew what consistency was, and what it felt like for someone to truly love every part of me - even the parts that drive them crazy - but I have only ever witnessed it. I know it exists. I’m not clinging to another crazy romantic notion. I’ve been told I am, but I know what I see. 

It must be the most incredible feeling too. I fucking want that, I want to be with someone that can’t go a day without talking to me. Even if they’re mad. Even if I’m mad. Why is everyone just wanting to hook up, and nobody wants to be in a loving devotional consistent honest relationship? I mean c’mon, there’s got to be one other person out there that wants this too!

It’s all talk about someday this and someday that. My parents are right. If someone is not also willing to sacrifice their independence to have something amazing and isn’t trying to make plans for both right now and a future, then I’m done. And. What a shame.

Another crowded room filled with shadows chasing more shadows. I couldn’t breathe, so I went outside, to hang my own shadows in the moonlight underneath the stars.

It wasn’t my shadow giving chase to the darkness that bothered me, it was the crowded room full of people. 

Please. Tell me what it’s like to be somebody’s favorite person, I need to know so I can stop holding my breath.

I’m not religious, but You I worship like taking sacrament on bloody knees.

Privilege of Age

I was a little bit of a tomboy growing up. But I had to be, I have four brothers. They were also very protective of me then, despite my being a strong female. I shared a room with my younger brother; and he and I are still very close. I can’t say I’ve always liked him, and he knows he’s lucky to be alive. That said,  I know I am lucky to be alive too. 

Still. He’s my compadre when I want to go kayaking or walk at a park or on a hike. I’ve also been to 92% of all concerts I attended, with him. In fact I miss kayaking with him, it’s been over a month, but I pinched a nerve two weeks ago, so I need to heal. It hurts. Last time I over exerted myself I pinched two nerves and gave myself another hernia, that was while kickboxing. I also miss kickboxing. 

Ahh yes the privilege of age. Honestly, there’s a lot that sucks about getting older, but there’s also all the things you got to experience and all the new things you get to do and experience. For example, I may not be able to kickbox anymore, but now I have an incredible grand-baby. It really is the Best trade off EVER!! 

Our mindsets should be ever evolving. I know it doesn’t seem like I have a propensity for optimism, but I do. I tend to overdo the silver linings actually, but I don’t want to grow bitter. Just because life occasionally fucks me up doesn’t mean I should stop finding ways to enjoy what time I have. I always somehow manage to steer myself back to me. I am also still trying to raise my son to be a man without the help of a man. So. He needs me. All my kids still need me from time to time. I need me, and also because I want some fucking wins.

Digital world

Life got a little easier for you to stand up for yourself, you felt a little less anxious about wanting to be heard and seen. It was easier to pacify time and ignore the parts of your life that were falling apart. It was meant to bring likeminded people together and open communication. It succeeded in many ways and failed all of us in other ways. 

We stopped making time for people and started making excuses for endless hours wasted in a digital world that was surreal.

It backfired and the world has gone mad! We think we are all different, but we all fall in line with the flow of some crowd. Let’s all pretend like the world around us exists on another realm. You aren’t any less smug. It’s so easy to keep yourself distracted with socialmedia bullshit. Whatever it was, however, it was, it became disassociation, detachment, and ultimately a comfort zone. 

I mean, after all we could pretend to be who and what we really wanted to be, safely all behind a keyboard. But. Is that who you really are or is it just another mask? Is it just another broken piece of glass, a fragment, a glimpse of who you could be? At some point you will come to terms with the reality of who you sold out to be, why you traded your soul for it and scamper to reconcile who you truly are. There’s still a reflection of you on that phone, monitor or ipad.

Maybe you will find you are enough. And find strength. You can choose to only wear the mask at a masquerade or on halloween. The idea of who you want to be can be reality, but only you can breathe life into it. Don’t let other people’s perception of you or how they think you should be, change you. 

They’re not you, they’ll never be you, and That is your gift. 

You can free yourself from this electronic addiction and fight with every breath that you have to be all of these versions you masterfully created of yourself. Because maybe, just maybe, a lot of all of those versions - are you.

The crowd isn’t a good fit for you though. It’s time to break free and stand on your own. You’ll probably lose people. But you won’t lose yourself. It won’t be easy to unravel habits that have become second nature.

But it’s definitely time to Unfuck yourself. It’s time to scream. It’s time to get your knuckles bloody. Mighty is your sword, wield your power. 

waltz and salsa

I was once so kind, and beautiful. That was long before being dragged to hell with flowers in my hair, a sweet innocent smile and a mind tasting of honey.

In hell, I was beholden to no god. And as the monster within refused to seethe quietly, hell cast me out. I no longer temper my rage, I don’t deny myself the thirst for blood. 

I am the monster under my bed. I like to waltz and salsa with my demons. But I am also the angel, the savior, the goddess and the witch. 

Why do I cling so much to that monster within, the one with an incessant need for carnage and war? Why can’t I return to being an angel? I have fallen so far.