pieces of me

Damn, she thought to herself - he's a little bit messy, a little bit ruined and a beautiful disaster.  What if his crazy matches her crazy? 

Reading what he wrote should not have had any impact on her.  She was way too guarded to allow feelings.  After-all, the cup runneth over and there were more than a few trying to woo her.  Most of them she deleted, sadly, many wouldn't make the cut.  Some knew all too well all the right things to say - she was gullible, and a romantic - eventually she would catch on.  There's a difference between a man that was truly interested and a man that just wanted her.  She had learned her lessons in life, not all men said what they meant and not everyone was honest.  She was like a child, often indulged by the idea of magic and romance, so she wanted to believe. 

He was different and she immediately knew that - something in his eyes, despite not wanting to, she was intrigued.  Guarded, she held back and waited for patterns to emerge.  A few patterns had reared up, but for some reason she carried on exchanges, anyway.  They had communicated previously, she'd even read his words before.  He was an intellectual, but bigger than that his confidence was unlike other confident men.  He was good-looking and funny and kind.  He was a father and a good one. The attraction wasn't earth shattering, it seemed more familiar, than anything.  Though his gaze could made her cheeks flush red and that was strange and truly unusual.

Why did his words whisper to her?  It was embarrassing and she rarely got embarrassed.  Reading his words had brought her to tears and it had been a long time since someone had reached through and penetrated those walls she built so high around her heart.  What if - she thought, what if there was more to him...    She thought she'd give a bit more time to probe and creep.  Maybe just sit back in silence and watch for a while.  Nothing could happen now anyway.  She needed that time to herself.  No one would ever be strong enough to break down her walls anyway. 

She was done trying to build, love and lift everyone.  She had loved hard, she had loved without boundaries and she knew it was going to take everything she had - she knew he'd be broken in places too.

She was done giving little pieces of herself away.  She needed a man, that would help pick up those pieces, that would understand and relate to the pain in those broken pieces, that would kiss them knowing it would never heal them, but recognized her heart was so big she'd make room - she needed that.  She needed someone that was going to fight for her - even if it meant fighting her.  And she never needed anybody!!  She needed a man that would shout from rooftops and make her feel like she was the most important thing in the world.  She was done.  For as much as she believed in love and romance, it was going to take one hell of a man to make her believe in him and not just something she hoped for...

 

Yes, just because I can

Sometimes I do really stupid things, because I can. 

Yes - sometimes, I go out of my way to do something stupid and silly.  It can be a terrific release for me and I always feel better.  No, no, no - nothing that could hurt me or anyone else.  Just silly things, like running through sprinklers, water gun fights with my kids or water balloon fights.  I like to put on socks, crank up the music and run through my house and slide.  I find myself to be quite entertaining.  Sometimes, I like doing cartwheels in my backyard just because I can.  It's healthy to be absolutely ridiculous and stupid silly.  Laughing at yourself is incredibly healthy and one of the best kinds of natural medicines.  Sometimes just for fun - I take dozens of pictures of myself, goofy, naked, with filters, without them, sometimes I drink and sing and make ridiculous videos.  I sing to my cats (yes, it can be pitchy - but they don't judge me)  Whatever I just want to see life through a child's eyes.  So yes, I still get up in the middle of the night and look at my moon. 

Remember to embrace the little things in life.  That's where all the real joy is... and laugh at yourself.  Some days it will be all that you have.

silly girl, romance is dead

This is for all my eternal optimists, all my die hard romantics, all the lost souls that never ever give up, that hold fast to the idea that some day their hearts will be safe and secure in another's arms - here's to you.... your willful tenacity in a world that seems pretty hung up on trying to destroy and kill anything romantic.  This is for those of you, that will always wander; those that are always looking, hoping, wishing, wanting, pining and dreaming... may you someday find the unparalleled romance and great love you so patiently desire and await.

Will we ever find what we are looking for....?  Have romantic comedies and romance novels ruined us?  Are those silly little stories just the exception to the rule?  Can you or I have or share in something greater than our imagination?  Can the TV shows just stop making me believe romance today is possible.  Is there nothing sacred anymore?  So many of us claim to be hopeless (or hopeful) romantics.  It's funny, though - in the emotionally and physically charged beginnings of a budding attraction, both parties are quite charming and romantic, and so vigilant in their pursuit.  Then somewhere without cause or reason, the compelling and intriguing discourse all begins to fade and slip away.  Things begin to fizzle and both parties relax their pursuit of the other.  Of course sometimes this can mean attention has been diverted elsewhere... and often does.  Maybe one got bored, maybe the thrill of the chase was gone.  Sad.  Sometimes, things fall off before they've been given a chance to take off.

I have a theory, though it's founded on female hormones and logic (I see you laughing) and yes - even personal experience.  ... how I see it ... in the beginning; in the fledgling moments of a potentially budding relationship, we are riding a wave.  Then we realize we really like the other person a lot and immediately become cautious.  There's been great conversation and banter, we have volleyed back and forth sharing commonalities, laughing, learning about the other person and now we have come to a cross road.  We are both very much interested, possibly even more than we want or is even more than what is comfortable.  We want to tell the other person that the attraction is magnetic and quite powerful, but not knowing if it will be reciprocated, or if it's too soon, or seemingly impossible because of logistics - we hold back.  We hesitate.  We allowed ourselves to get swept up, not once giving forethought into these cautionary tales, because we were simply riding the wave.  So now things aren't said and maybe they should have been.  ......we all know that rejection is terrifying.  But this isn't just about sex, it's beyond sex, it's intimacy on a whole other level.  It's a different connection, and it's also frightening as hell.  Or... like me, you got bored.  Something was just too easy, or maybe the other person was just too available.  Isn't it funny how we long for something so much and then find any little thing we can to find fault and destroy it? 

There's simple gender psychology here.  Okay well, it's anything but simple.  See that was my theory and I have absolutely no idea what the hell I'm talking about or what in the hell may be going on in the mind of a guy.  None.  Crash and burn, baby!!  So I say something, and I stumble and fall but at least I put myself out there and expressed honesty and the fact that I wanted to pursue something.  I made myself vulnerable, because without risk you gain nothing.  It hurts.  It is what it is.  I wish a guy could be completely honest about what he wanted or was looking for - but I wonder if he even knows...  I can't pretend to know and speculation could be sabotage.  So - guys...if you don't feel it, quit keeping her on the line so you can get your ego stroked.  If you don't know what you want - articulate that.  And if it's just a piece of ass you want - say it! 

Call me crazy.  I want to drown in love.  I do!  I'd love for someone to want to drown in my love.  Is that hopeless or hopeful?  Am I silly for wanting what everyone says is damn near impossible?  Not to be confused with 'I want the perfect person or a perfect love'.  I have no illusions.  I'm a special kind of crazy and that is a truth, but I also believe in romance.  No one is perfect!  And it's okay, I'd get so bored with perfect!  I know me, I love the beauty in the flaws.   No, but I do want someone that knows who he is and where he's going, and what he wants.  But..... he's got to be a real romantic, completely caught up in the idea of loving someone endlessly, tirelessly, selflessly. Someone just as tired of the rat-race of dating, tired of the representatives and tired of interviewing.  You have to want something real, want romance, honesty and trust - and to put that person as your priority.  It's not impossible to want simple, sweet, silly and nostalgic romance.  Someone that will look at me and think - my god I could love her until the end of time and it would never be enough time.  Someone that is not just giving, but ready to accept and receive crazy immeasurable love.  I suppose it sounds a little more hopeless than it does hopeful. 

I'm not interested in changing anyone and I don't want to change for anybody, either.  I'm focusing on me and doing introspection and personal growth ....for me, because there are things I want to change and I hope every step forward brings me closer to being ready.  I want to be ready when he makes his way to me.  I'm not ready right now, I'm not, I enjoy being on my own, way too much.   I believe when the timing is right someone will make their way to me or me to them.  Meanwhile, I get to focus my efforts on being a better person and a better Mom, daughter, friend.  I like the pace my life is at right now, and someone coming into my life, will rock my world.  It will flip everything upside down.  I know it will!  I'm not ready for that.  I'm not ready to sacrifice my time or check in with someone before I do something, make decisions together and all that jazz.  I'm still working on getting my head right for those things.  I'm too impetuous for the monotony of routine or following rules & guidelines.  I'm still learning to be patient and love my own flaws.  I don't want to be considerate and check in.  Not yet.  I will, eventually, I hope.  I don't have time for another person.  They're going to want my time and my ability to flex and bend and compromise and I just want to be selfish for a while.  And maybe that's my loss and I will miss out on something amazing because of it.  Maybe when the timing is right, it will be more incredible than I imagine. 

I'd love for someone to love me; crazy, quirky and flawed as I am.  Someone that will relish my need to stand on the edge of reason, stare into the abyss and challenge the darkness.  Someone that knows I'm crazy - but never makes me feel like I am.  Don't get me wrong.  If I screw up - you'd better tell me, and you'd better make me laugh.  And you'd better not hold it against me.  I know they're out there.  Someone just as fucked up as I am. 



... what is romance versus love?  Are they inextricably intertwined?  Are there any romantics still out there?  It's startling how many of us claim to be hopeless romantics versus how many of us actually are.  Are we in love with love?  Or perhaps the idea of a perfect love?  Are we going through life wearing rose-colored glasses?  Why are so many of us so foolish?  Until recently - I'd only ever heard of hopeless romantics, but true to our nature and semantics, there are people that call themselves hopeful romantics.  I love this... I think it's a lovely and more optimistic adjective, as opposed to hopeless and sounding like the belief is there but the idea so highly unlikely to happen.  I'd like to believe anything can happen.  Anything can happen. 

"For it was not into my ear that you whispered, but into my heart.  For it was not my lips that you kissed, but my soul."  Judy Garland

"Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love." Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge

... delectation

your touch burns deep in me
sending a shiver and wave of goose-bumps
I sit pert, erect, my spine trembling
how I long for your hands to graze my skin
how your words bring me to my knees
the heat of your stare
felt in places I don't dare speak aloud
your words incite, stir and provoke
you caress my pulse, my trigger
its not by your hands but my own
that explore and wander
oh, how delicate fingers do linger


 

...feigned interest

..... Trying to fight off some stupid girly emotions and feelings that I didn't know I had, because of a silly little comment that kind of hurt.  I can pretend it didn't hurt - that I don't have feelings, because I don't want to acknowledge them and I am not ready to have them - but that doesn't jive with my newfound personal growth.

I'm going to just suck it up.  Write it here in my blog and move on.  Because truth be told there's not a damn thing I can do about it anyway and I can't have feelings right now. 

I sure as hell wish you wouldn't feign interest... stop pretending like you have an interest in me, just cut me loose please.

I can't stop smiling...

So I woke up ready to attack the world.  I did!  I've put myself through some challenges lately.  I've come out the other side much better than I had imagined...  I've been feeling really great about my life and the direction I'm headed.  Feeling great about being the kind of Mom that I am, being a good daughter and yes - even a good friend.  It's all been very positive. 

My life has not always been easy.  It's been challenging and I could say there were a few poor choices, blended with some crazy kind of bad luck.  I don't believe in bad luck anymore, and I've paid for my poor choices.  Learning a lot along the way and it's a struggle to stop to keep my head up some days and not feel sorry for myself.  I believe in putting love, kindness, humility and grace into the world.  In truth, I always have - but my attitude needs adjusting from time to time, and I'm not ashamed to admit - I can throw a hell of a pity party!

Learning. Growing. Loving.  That's where I am right now.  I'm trying out all kinds of new things and trusting in myself.  Having faith in me, changes a lot for me.  I need this.  I'm learning how to harness my energy and enthusiasm and put it back into the world and towards things that I love.  I'm resetting my goals and sorting through things I never thought I'd sort out.  Today I feel inspired.  I feel fantastic.  I'm looking forward and keeping shadows at my back.  I'm hoping all the positive energy and love I put out into the world will bring love and smiles to others.  Yes, today is about me, but it's about me paying forward all the positive energy back into the world for those who really need it.