..this kid

I sat by the rink wall watching all the kids (elementary) fly by on their skates, I wanted to see them - their faces, the excitement... I couldn't help but reminisce; the smell of the rink, the flashing lights, the loud music, cheap pizza and kids with flashing bracelets and necklaces.  Oh those were the days.   I wanted to skate, but we arrived late and an overdue phone call delayed my getting in line for skates.  Once I went to get them - the rink was closing in 40 minutes, seemed hardly worth the $11.  Still, my sweet boy had a wonderful time. 

I watched him show off, he was quite charming.  Two girls from his class have a crush on him.  So I watched as they each followed him and talked to him.  I could tell they were crushing.  Very cute too.  It really was the sweetest thing.  When he started talking about it, he mentioned he'd have to call his older brother and tell him that he had more 'game' then his big brother.

This kid...he kills me! 

Dear Crutch...

I don't think anyone will ever fully grasp and understand just what you meant to me or how saying good-bye to you, was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

When I was stressed out - the moment I began to stress, I could always turn to you.  You'd always, always, always be there for me.  You always had my back!  In moments of sadness, anger, elation, post-coital, rocking out in my car, I could take you anywhere and you were always the very best friend in the world to me.  When someone broke my heart you would fill me with hope and you listened unfailingly to me go on for hours, never once interrupting, never once judging, never once giving unsolicited advice.  No dirty looks or mumbling under your breath.

At my worst times, even at my best times, in my loneliest and even most awkward moments you would come in like my superhero and save me.  I looked forward to being with you - all the time.  I couldn't go anywhere without you.  I would defend you viciously to the death to any and all nay-sayers.  And there were a lot of them.  I would start a new job or go somewhere and you were so awesome.  When I was nervous or found it difficult to make friends, you introduced me to the coolest of people and I even thought because of you they accepted me. 

I would smell you on my clothes, in my hair and on my fingers.  I loved the way you smelled.  I could smell you on other people.  I loved the way you felt in my fingers.  I loved the way I felt when I held you.  I felt classy and cool.  I felt secure and comfortable. 

Then one day, it all changed.  I could hear the truth in the things the nay-sayers spoke.  I could see that you were hurting me.  I could see that you weren't healthy for me.  I was afraid and terrified both of losing you and having to walk away.  And it wasn't just because more and more people were trying to push and pull us apart.  No one would hire me if they learned about us.  It just wasn't fair anymore, I always had to go outside to be with you.  You became something I was embarrassed about.  Sometimes it was really cold and I didn't want to go outside just to be with you, but I did and I would miss out on great things because I was so hung-up on you.  I hated that everyone looked and stared and stood in judgment when you were with me. 

I just couldn't let go, my world wouldn't be the same without you.  I met you when I was so young.  It was a chance meeting, my father had sent me on an errand and it had been fate.  I would even sneak from school early in the mornings and run to the convenience store across the street, just to be with you.  My Dad even caught us once, but he never said a word.  He knew if he did, he'd be a hypocrite.  We weren't even in a relationship then, I had really only just met you.  I wasn't even sure if I was doing things the right way.  You taught me patience and I learned and for the last 27 years you have been my rock, my confidant, my strong-hold on reality, my best friend in the whole world.

I wanted to be fully vested in this break-up.  I had tried to walk-away many times before - but you'd always pull me back in.  I knew if I walked away it would have to be for good.  I wouldn't be able to talk to you ever again.  I wouldn't ever be able to hold you again.  I had to move forward and leave you behind.  It would be a definitive moment in my life.  I researched all kinds of things.  Anything that would help ease the separation from you, I absorbed at an alarming rate.  I read the psychology on the hold you had over me, how powerful it was and how difficult it would be to walk away.  I utilized every resource at my fingertips.  I didn't tell anyone that I was going to break-up with you, it was imminent though, I had reached a pinnacle point in my life.  Previously, when I told people I was going to break up with you, they would balk at me, chide me, always fueling a negativity, instead of support and they never believed I was strong enough. 

HA!!  Look at me now, I thought I'd die at one point without you, it's been several months!  I've not felt this good in a long time.  I see you everywhere and everything still reminds me of you.  Though I don't feel the urge to pick you up or obsess over you like I felt before.  I acknowledge that what we had was very real and to be honest, I'm glad you were there, but I'm happier now that you're gone.  I can breathe so much better now.  I can smell everything more powerfully than I could before.  I can taste all my food so much better than I did previously.  My clothes and car and hair don't smell like you anymore.  I can even be around you and not wish I was holding you.  I enjoy all kinds of things now that you're not here.

Admittedly, I have to stay super busy.  I find lots and lots to do - but I'm far more productive than I ever was, when I was with you.  I honestly think I'm a better person without you.  It was the best thing I've ever done, to walk away from you.  It's definitely a lifestyle change.  I'm fully embracing it and I know I'll never go back to you, not for the rest of my life.  I'm far too proud of myself to ever run back.  I hope you're as happy as I am without you. 

Sincerely,
a former smoker. 

...oh the distractions...

What can you do in a world drowning in distractions?

What can't you do?!  Everyone these days has their head buried in their phone or some other electronic device.  So just about everybody should be a master at multi-tasking, right!  If you can walk and be looking at your phone, you've just mastered a new skill.  (as to what skill it might be?)  The worst ones are the drivers that are texting.   I won't deny, I am guilty on occasion.  *Shame on me!  I can be sitting at a stop light and continue texting as the light changes.  Very bad - I'm a horrible person and what's worse I'm obviously totally distracted while I'm driving a vehicle that weighs over a ton and can easily kill you or me.  I need to put my phone down*

We all need to put our phones and devices down.  Let's pay attention to what's going on all around us.  You probably just missed a gorgeous sunset, or a beautiful rare butterfly fluttering by, or maybe the love of your life was looking at you, waiting to be noticed - but you were buried in your phone.  Will you get a do-over?  Will you get a second chance to go to your friends party instead of staying home with your computer?  We are missing out on beauty everywhere because we are so hung up on our devices.  True story!  This is also a confession!

How do you get good positive attention in a world so distracted??   Everyone seems to be on some social media platform.  The big question is - why do we enjoy so much of these kinds of distractions?  In a world full of people constantly screaming out in need of affection and attention, we tend to focus on things that are anything but... (I'm about to rant...)

Okay.. burning question....(eh hem - clears throat) - I'd like to know why guys send pictures of body parts?  Seriously!  Direct messages with... uhhm... yeah with pictures.  No - prefacing anything, no hey nice to meet you, I'm so and so.  Nope.  Just dirty pictures...  Guys, you're going to have to trust me, women aren't going to fall all over themselves and grab the nearest vibrator and go to town because you've sent a picture of your penis, your anus or your balls.  (never say never - I've been wrong before)  I promise you though, not a lot of women will see that and think, 'oh God I must meet him'.   NO!  I know I have personally deleted and immediately blocked you.  It is NOT okay! 

OKAY!  So, not only do you have every online dating option in the world.  But every social media outlet is a mecca for dating.  The problem isn't the problem, the problem is your attitude with the problem.  Not every girl or guy is DTF.  Some of us would like a little romance in our life and we'd like to perhaps even date.  I personally would love poetry and music and for the record - no - 2 or 3 days after I've met you - online, I do NOT want to send you naked pictures of myself.  We are not dating either, that's a rapid attachment.  Besides, I'd like to think I'm not that kind of girl in real life, let alone hiding behind a social media outlet.  Call me boring, I'm kind of still in love with the idea of exploring someone's body while making out for the first time.  But have I?  Have I started a conversation or two via a DM (direct message) yes... (I'm a firm believer in testing theory) has it worked out - absolutely not! 

Truth is - I'm not at all ready to date.  Not even pretend dating online or via some social networking.  Truth is when I am ready - I probably won't go this route, either.  I'm just too old fashioned and too much of a hopeless romantic to buy into this millennial mindset way of dating.  It's too antiquated.  I like talking to someone.  I like the idea of physicality.  I like smiling and gauging a reaction while in real conversation.  I want to know everything I can about you. (hey - I'm from the 80's we were all borderline stalkers then)  Body language is paramount, it tells if they're attentive, if they are into me.  I like to see the eyes and hear the voice.  Some things just can't be communicated via technology.  I don't know.  Maybe it's because I'd like to be thought of as more than just a means to an end, more than an object.  Maybe I have something to bring to the table and I'd like to find a nice guy.  I don't know!  Maybe I'll give it one more shot.  Not a whole lot of luck yet and I feel like a creeper at this point.  Not to mention - how would I know how many other girls you're talking to...  how would anybody know??  There's just so much room for dishonesty here. 

Circling back to my original thought.  How will all this distraction help you find 'the love and affection' we all seem to be searching for?  How will you find that one person that you can maybe call your boyfriend or girlfriend?  No wonder everyone is so filled with mistrust!!!  Most guys are just waiting for that one cute girl that's going to give up the most, once she does then they're onto another girl or perhaps back to the other girl they were already talking to, while you were sending naked pics!  Gotti!  And us ladies - we are wretched, we want to see how far we can push a guy, how much money does he have, if we can get dinner out of him and basically what can he do for us before we get bored and move on.  (I don't subscribe to this mentality - what's wrong is wrong)  It's so defeating and it taints the water for the rest of us that would love to meet someone.  It's the most retarded display of showing someone you're interested.  Defeats the purpose altogether, I say.  Plus there's a dozen different memes saying, 'go ahead like 5 pictures, DM me, fuck me - rinse and repeat'.  How can any of you take anybody seriously??   It's so ridiculous.  I just don't know how I'm going to do this and take anyone seriously...  I'm so tired of being guarded!!

It's the saddest thought ever... but...   Even knowing the truth, it won't change a thing - none of us are willing to put our devices down. We will continue to drown in a world full of distractions and we will become less trusting, less social and a whole lot lonelier.  We hold our technology closer to us than the people that mean the most.  It's incredibly sad when you look around and everyone is distracted by their phones or devices.  I want to cry, but I won't deny I do it too... oh the distractions...

25 Signs

So daily, my email gets flooded with all kinds of nonsense.  Some of it, I've foolishly signed up for... no turning back now, though.  In keeping with the spirit of my less stressful posts, I'm going to share the love from an article Cosmopolitan sent me.  Titled...

25 Signs He'll Be A Good Boyfriend
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a56236/signs-hell-be-a-good-boyfriend/?mag=cos&list=nl_chg_news&src=nl&date=040116

Yes.  Trust me when I tell you, it was an engaging.  It forced me to think...I was, in fact, comparing notes.  Perhaps the fact that I'm single speaks volumes?  Could it be true?  Hmm, I don't know.  What do I know, I always follow my heart (because it's immoral to go against your gut and that would be too wise a easy for me) still - I have no regrets.  I would never, even now, use such an antiquated list.... for obvious reasons.   So... just for giggles, I'm going to share .... (copied and pasted and the link is above...however, I'm going to insert my thoughts - because I'm opinionated - in red) 

• 1. He asks about how your friend Becky is doing after her breakup. Him caring about your friends and asking about them later not only shows that he's a caring person, but he's invested in your life and the people in it. On the rare occasion, you find a man that was listening to you ramble on. Rare indeed!
• 2. After he met Becky for the first time, he was like, "Do you think that went well?" You don't want to end up with a guy who's like I don't care if your friends hate me, they suck anyway. That's just a logistical nightmare and is surely going to end in some severed ties with people you really care about. I don't think it's as simple as this.... this is dicey.
• 3. When you bring up that your boss is being rude to you at work, he doesn't sigh and roll his eyes because you're "complaining again." If he can't sit through a five minute tirade about a lame work situation, he won't be able to sit down with you when something seriously big goes wrong. I think any man will sit through and tolerate whining, if he thinks he's getting some later.  I'm sure at some point, they'll also vent.
• 4. He's polite to waiters and cashiers and doesn't do that awful thing where you yell "CHECK, PLEASE" across the restaurant. It might have been cool to date the guy who was sweet to you but an asshole to everyone else when you were 13 and bullies were kind of sexy, but that sort of relationship doesn't hold up in adulthood. Don't date a man-bully who could very well turnaround and bully you if you piss him off. How you treat people is huge! Life is an echo - what you send out into the world comes back to you.
• 5. He doesn't desert you at his friends' parties.  It's ok for him to encourage you to be friendly with his friends, but it's not ok for him to have an exclusive conversation with Chad while you sit alone awkwardly on the couch.  You're a big girl, honestly you should be able to mingle on your own. But if he brought you to his friends' party he should be looking out for you - mingling and introducing you to his people.
• 6. He always offers to share the last slice of pizza with you and then doesn't say anything when you "accidentally" eat way more than half of it. If the last slice is sacred enough for Drake to rap about it in a love song, ("You could have my heart or we could share it like the last slice") then it must be a real sign of a potentially great romance. ... it would be a really sweet gesture.
• 7. He doesn't manspread across your entire schedule and take over your whole world. It might be flattering if the guy you just met wants to spend all his time with you, but if he's really invested in who you are as a person, he'll encourage you to be your own person and hang out with him when you both have time.  Agreed.  You want to spend time together, but you still have stuff you must do (you're an adult) he should have stuff to do also.  You should not be joined at the hip all the time.  
• 8. He's genuinely interested in (or at least good at faking it) your long, rambly stories about family vacations you took as a kid. Instead of getting frustrated and impatient when you talk for 10 minutes about that one weird trip you went on in 2007, he's excited to hear about what happened after that fight you had with your little brother in the backseat of the family van.  If he is genuinely interested, not only will he listen, he may even say something later on to show he was listening.  LOVE this. (this is the same as #1)
• 9. He doesn't get upset when you say you need some alone time. You would understand if he needed some, and he doesn't want to take over your life anyway. Sometimes you need personal space, no couple should be joined at the hip all the time, (same as #7)
• 10. He never says things like, "You're being crazy," or, "You're being ridiculous." Because he's compassionate and empathetic, and realizes saying things like that make you feel little and stupid, and a good boyfriend would never do those things. HA! First - all women are crazy, we all just have varying degrees of crazy, embrace it ladies - on the flip side, it's in a guy's best interest to not mention or point it out - this can escalate crazy.  This can be dangerous for him and others.   Crazy Hot Matrix - Must watch video!!!!
• 11. He makes you feel like a hot babe all the time. You don't want to spend a significant amount of time with a guy who makes you feel insecure or question whether or not he's attracted to you. You should make me feel like I'm the only girl in a room full of beautiful people.  It's disrespectful to check someone out in front of the person you are with - this applies to both men and women!!! It's not just a song...Make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world!!!
• 12. He has female friends who aren't aren't just a collection of women who've seen his penis before. If other girls (who aren't exes or former flings) like him enough to be his friend, he's probably a good guy that you'll also enjoy spending time with (and kissing a lot). Tricky.  But agreed, he should have at least one functional platonic friendship where there hasn't been intimacy nor does he entertain the idea - trust. 
• 13. He gets really excited when you hit it off with his best friend Jason, just like he knew you would. He wants his friends to like you. Yes. 
• 14. You don't find a million texts and missed calls on your phone from him after spending a night out with your girlfriends. This is a red flag of a potentially obsessive or manipulative guy. NOPE.  Trust.
• 15. He doesn't try to act hard and pretend he doesn't have feelings when he's around you. Mature adults shouldn't be afraid to say things like, "I like you," or, "I think you're really cool." I shouldn't be trying to figure out how you feel.
• 16. He texts after work to see how that meeting with your boss Steph went. It would be annoying AF for him to be texting you every 10 minutes when he knows you're busy all day, but checking in later shows he cares the right amount.  Thoughtfulness goes a long way.
• 17. He doesn't rush you out the door when you're trying to make sure your lip liner is perfectly applied and not smudged. He might do a little bit of gentle ribbing about how slow you are, but he shouldn't shame you for taking your time and trying to look good. That's rude. I got nothin.
• 18. When he screws up, he's quick to apologize instead of letting you stew in your anger for a week and a half. Stubbornness is actually an incredibly unattractive quality, and it only makes little fights turn into enormous ones. And a good boyfriend typically tries to avoid enormous fights. Uhm, yeah, I think everyone is guilty of this... 
• 19. And when you screw up, he doesn't hold a grudge forever like a sullen teen named Todd. If he isn't perfect, he can't expect you to be perfect, either. He forgives.  Scorecards - shouldn't be brought up in every argument. 
• 20. He has interests and hobbies aside from dating you. You want to date a person, not a pre-packaged boyfriend. That gets so boring so fast. Please.
• 21. When you're hanging out, he talks about things he wants to do with you in the future, even if it's just the near future.  If there's no talk of a future, there is no future. 
• 22. He doesn't immediately start acting like your boyfriend after hanging out one time in a friend's back yard. Going from 0-100 real quick is a good way to end up crashing and burning before the relationship ever gets started. This guy gets to know you. You know, like an adult person.  This speaks for itself.
• 23. He sends a "hey I had a lot of fun" text after hanging out with you. He isn't trying to follow any bullshit dating rules about waiting three days before texting or calling. He just likes you is all.  Honesty.  It's nice and I'm not left wondering...
• 24. He's clear about his intentions early on, instead of leaving you in is he a hookup or a boyfriend? limbo for forever. If he doesn't know what he wants, and doesn't figure it out in a reasonable amount of time, he probably never will.  Seriously, don't be a liar.  Make your intentions clear.  
• 25. He gets excited about showing you things he likes. Not because he wants you to be his weird female twin, but because this is the best part of having a good girlfriend.  When someone likes you, they want to share things.  They want to show you the things they like - you might like them too and transversely, they like hearing about what you like, it's all part of the dance. 

 

I'll be honest.  It isn't the list I'd make.  I don't think someone should fit a list, anyway. What do I know - I'm single!!!!