How is it one person can have so many friends, but not one person to truly talk to? So many things to talk about, but no one to really tell? Why is it that everyone is always saying, 'I'll be there'. But when you pull the friend card, they just aren't there. For as much as you may have been a friend, the majority of people do not understand what friendship means. While it's true that some friendships last a lifetime, others become stagnant and/or you drift away. I guess people (for lack of political correctness) have served their purpose. You can choose to always be who you are to those people no matter how they may choose to treat you - a road less traveled and a far more painful one(personal knowledge). We all lead busy lives, it's difficult to get everything done in a day.
In the gift of life people are always changing. Some are ambitious, some are materialistic, some are just shallow. Some develop themselves for the better and rise up to challenge life. I've known many from both sides and many that mingle in the middle and many that are clueless.
I can only speak for myself. I'm not ambitious - money doesn't wet my palate. Sure, I'd like to have enough to pay the bills, but the majority of people who have it or want it are greedy, and it will never be enough. They will always want more. This brings us to the materialistic and shallow people. Not pretty. In fact, hypocrisy and fake people are the ugliest people to me. I can't stand pretty fake people. Beauty is all around us - not in things, but more importantly it is within us. It is the glow from within that makes the beauty on the outside shine so bright.
Tonight I needed a friend. I find those are quite rare these days, I maybe could've called upon an old friend or two, but no one ever answers their phones. Everyone seems to think the only way to communicate is through social networking. (FB -people are fucking addicts, even I find myself drawn in at times) People have lost the ability to use human connection. I did call upon someone, this person has needed me quite a bit in the last several months. In fact, I dare say I've been far more than a pillar to lean on.
It's difficult, when you realize just how busy everyone you know, has become, just how self-involved everyone seems to be - that no one seems to care about anything except their own little lives. Now YOU need a shoulder to cry on. YOU. Ever the optimist. Ever the cheerleader. Ever the one to help everyone else see through rose colored glasses that everything will be okay. Well I - I'm exhausted. And too much is going on in my head to just let it all go. I keep trying to divide myself up for everyone else, and find no time for myself. My health is failing, epic-ally. I'm working two jobs trying to juggle too much and I just need a moment to breathe to myself. Anyway. I needed a friend tonight, and it was a pretty lonely night. So instead, I fought with the person who decided to make it about them, then tried to put me down, for needing them and subsequently tried to make me feel worse because of the inconvenience I imposed upon them.
This is what I get for attempting to lean on anyone but myself. Lesson learned. Again! And then people wonder why I'm so fiercely independent. Because this is what happens when you keep cutting people out of your life that add no value or use you. Some people never change. Some people will always use you. Some people no matter how much you love them will never change their spots - never. Some people don't even realize they suck the life right out of you and some people make a living out of sucking the life right out of you. They almost get off on doing it. They put you down to lift themselves up. And then there's just people who disappoint you.
But I know better. Because I know....I choose who I am and determine what I'm worth, no one else does.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Fulfillment
It's been some time, since I've penned a thought here. I have a multitude of things to say, just not a lot of time to sit and give my mind over to the writing. I was blocked by my own life, I guess. Having re-read some of my last posts, I decided it was time to include some positive notes.
For a moment things were on a downward spiral. It was in truth, a domino effect. A whispered and wise voice said if it's meant to be, just let go - if it's love, it will come back. It did. I'm happier than I've been in a long time. Seeing things through a child's eyes, being grateful for all the little things and loving with no holds barred. For the first time I have companionship and honesty. Pain and misery no longer have their talons deep in my heart. I've learned to love again, I've learned to forgive. Things aren't perfect, but they're close enough. No longer do I subscribe to bitterness and empty promises. Romantic comedies are just that for me now. I have true romance and life is what you make of it. So I laugh often.
My heart is free and I feel so very loved. Things move at their own pace and there's no need to force anything. We are like children. We giggle, we love, we set our own rules, it's unorthodox - but it's fulfilling. It's been a little over a year and trust me when I say we've come a long way. There will always be both good and bad, but right now things are good. They're really, really good. ...and I am happy. So I take it one day at a time. We steal what little time we can and we make the most of it.
I'm still me, more so than I've been in a very long time. I find ways to balance my busy life. I try to stay grounded and optimistic at every opportunity. I'm fully aware that life won't always be daisies and tulips, that roses also have thorns. I have no more delusions of an ideal life. I know there's ups and downs. I will face them all head on, as I've always done... Right now I have a lot to be thankful for because I love my life. And it helps the soul to call upon the things in life that make you smile. Memories, laughter, love, family and friends.
For a moment things were on a downward spiral. It was in truth, a domino effect. A whispered and wise voice said if it's meant to be, just let go - if it's love, it will come back. It did. I'm happier than I've been in a long time. Seeing things through a child's eyes, being grateful for all the little things and loving with no holds barred. For the first time I have companionship and honesty. Pain and misery no longer have their talons deep in my heart. I've learned to love again, I've learned to forgive. Things aren't perfect, but they're close enough. No longer do I subscribe to bitterness and empty promises. Romantic comedies are just that for me now. I have true romance and life is what you make of it. So I laugh often.
My heart is free and I feel so very loved. Things move at their own pace and there's no need to force anything. We are like children. We giggle, we love, we set our own rules, it's unorthodox - but it's fulfilling. It's been a little over a year and trust me when I say we've come a long way. There will always be both good and bad, but right now things are good. They're really, really good. ...and I am happy. So I take it one day at a time. We steal what little time we can and we make the most of it.
I'm still me, more so than I've been in a very long time. I find ways to balance my busy life. I try to stay grounded and optimistic at every opportunity. I'm fully aware that life won't always be daisies and tulips, that roses also have thorns. I have no more delusions of an ideal life. I know there's ups and downs. I will face them all head on, as I've always done... Right now I have a lot to be thankful for because I love my life. And it helps the soul to call upon the things in life that make you smile. Memories, laughter, love, family and friends.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Haunted
I've been discarded? The pain so crushing. I'm staving off tears and haunted by memories. And you're like ice? You went from being the sun, (brilliant and bright, alive with fire) to settling for the coldness of our distant planet Pluto. I'm falling down and you can't nor do you want to see me. You've inflicted a great deal of damage, the pain, the tears, the confusion, the despair. A year and a half of rebuilding myself from a previously abusive and painful relationship, only to fall victim to the idea that you loved me. I knew exactly who I was and where I stood in my life and what I wanted when you met me. And now... well, are you happy? Was it everything you'd hoped for? Does it remotely tear you down, just a little? I call upon logic now...
I'm likely a world away from your true feelings, because evidently what I thought were your true feelings, was nothing but a mere addiction!! I loathe the idea of bitterness and rancor. It's not fashionable on me and yet I can neither push it down nor evict the idea from my mind. (my anger is deafening) I feel displaced and weak, and I AM NOT weak.
As I begin my journey through the phase of self inflicted pain and anger, I relive our last words, our final conversations. My heart is self defeating and not quite as sinister or morose as I'd wish fate would have it. Still I wish it would turn black as night so I'd stop playing a fool. Instead, I trample my own tongue and wish you love and happiness. I'm hating myself for it. NO - it's true. What was the pivotal moment in my life that I becaome that girl that clings to the idea of love, romance and chivalry? How can I stop breathing this distorted convoluted psychologically damaging grande delusion that someone will actually love me as I am? As if to say it's something tangible...just because I've witnessed TRUE LOVE. I deceive myself that there is an unshakable loyalty and unwavering love out there for me. Ah yes - how twisted I am! But it wasn't this idea I was in love with - no, it was you. I was in love with you. A simple man that sees me as an addiction.
I beat myself up for being so ridiculously honest at time. For being myself. For actually thinking you really just might have been crazy about ME. An addiction! A fucking addiction!!!! Addiction is a dependency, a craving, a physiological state. So why then tell me you love me? Or oh, wait wait - you just figured it out therefore the resolute stone. Does that mean all those conversations and everything you did and all the laughter and tears (what compelling moments were these that you shed all those tears declaring your love for me? For oh how I loved you for everything you are/were? Oh how I was one of the few that actually 'got' you?) Can you even grasp how devastating it was to learn I was just an addiction? What exactly were you addicted to? Talk about quitting cold turkey!
For now - I turn to music...Tool & NIN or Perfect Circle resonate in my head. I try to listen to 'the Dove' but it rips my heart to shreds. Hot tears continue to relentlessly stream down my face. It's punishing, but I force it on myself. Metal, rock n roll or some alternative...lends itself to feeding my strength. A darker side to embrace, so I don't plummet to my emotional death.
I'm likely a world away from your true feelings, because evidently what I thought were your true feelings, was nothing but a mere addiction!! I loathe the idea of bitterness and rancor. It's not fashionable on me and yet I can neither push it down nor evict the idea from my mind. (my anger is deafening) I feel displaced and weak, and I AM NOT weak.
As I begin my journey through the phase of self inflicted pain and anger, I relive our last words, our final conversations. My heart is self defeating and not quite as sinister or morose as I'd wish fate would have it. Still I wish it would turn black as night so I'd stop playing a fool. Instead, I trample my own tongue and wish you love and happiness. I'm hating myself for it. NO - it's true. What was the pivotal moment in my life that I becaome that girl that clings to the idea of love, romance and chivalry? How can I stop breathing this distorted convoluted psychologically damaging grande delusion that someone will actually love me as I am? As if to say it's something tangible...just because I've witnessed TRUE LOVE. I deceive myself that there is an unshakable loyalty and unwavering love out there for me. Ah yes - how twisted I am! But it wasn't this idea I was in love with - no, it was you. I was in love with you. A simple man that sees me as an addiction.
I beat myself up for being so ridiculously honest at time. For being myself. For actually thinking you really just might have been crazy about ME. An addiction! A fucking addiction!!!! Addiction is a dependency, a craving, a physiological state. So why then tell me you love me? Or oh, wait wait - you just figured it out therefore the resolute stone. Does that mean all those conversations and everything you did and all the laughter and tears (what compelling moments were these that you shed all those tears declaring your love for me? For oh how I loved you for everything you are/were? Oh how I was one of the few that actually 'got' you?) Can you even grasp how devastating it was to learn I was just an addiction? What exactly were you addicted to? Talk about quitting cold turkey!
For now - I turn to music...Tool & NIN or Perfect Circle resonate in my head. I try to listen to 'the Dove' but it rips my heart to shreds. Hot tears continue to relentlessly stream down my face. It's punishing, but I force it on myself. Metal, rock n roll or some alternative...lends itself to feeding my strength. A darker side to embrace, so I don't plummet to my emotional death.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Unrelenting Pain
When does this unrelenting pain go away? How can it be so easy for someone to just walk away? After saying they love you so much??
It just doesn't seem real now. But, it didn't seem real then, either. Maybe it was all just a lie. (That's the voice of agonizing pain). I want so much to be angry, that I search and search for some horrible memory to distance myself from the love I feel. No matter how much I push or pull I keep finding myself reliving these incredible moments. I just want to turn them off.
This isn't like walking away from an abusive relationship. A relationship where there was fighting or a great divide in thought or compatibility. This is one of the hardest things I've had to face on my own. And I'm struggling to let go. While it was so fucking easy for him.
They say if you really love someone, let them go and if they truly love you they will come back. But we all know some twisted broken heart thought that shit up in an effort to soothe the pain. My head tells me his pride and family would never let him, anyway - so what difference does it make? My eternal optimism feels snuffed out. I can't watch a romantic comedy or the like without shutting it off and calling bullshit. I feel robbed. I feel detached and worst of all I feel alone.
For all that I have been through in my life, I've never felt alone. Not talking to him or seeing him or knowing he will never come for me, has created the greatest despair. He's made me look so foolish and ridiculous believing love was something that I could actually have in my life. He made me believe it and then he snatched it away from me.
It just fucking hurts so much. I want outside of my head and I want to stop this physical ache I feel inside, in my heart. I can smell him when I think of him. I can see his face and his smile. I can hear his laugh and scratchy voice. I can feel his gentle touch and warm embrace. It's all so overwhelming and it's slowly killing me.
I don't care that I sound like a sap. I want to shut out my memories and stop all this stupid crying. I want to find a reason to regret everything. To write him off and out of my life not worthy of my tears or for the place in my heart that still holds onto him. But I can't. I just can't.
It just doesn't seem real now. But, it didn't seem real then, either. Maybe it was all just a lie. (That's the voice of agonizing pain). I want so much to be angry, that I search and search for some horrible memory to distance myself from the love I feel. No matter how much I push or pull I keep finding myself reliving these incredible moments. I just want to turn them off.
This isn't like walking away from an abusive relationship. A relationship where there was fighting or a great divide in thought or compatibility. This is one of the hardest things I've had to face on my own. And I'm struggling to let go. While it was so fucking easy for him.
They say if you really love someone, let them go and if they truly love you they will come back. But we all know some twisted broken heart thought that shit up in an effort to soothe the pain. My head tells me his pride and family would never let him, anyway - so what difference does it make? My eternal optimism feels snuffed out. I can't watch a romantic comedy or the like without shutting it off and calling bullshit. I feel robbed. I feel detached and worst of all I feel alone.
For all that I have been through in my life, I've never felt alone. Not talking to him or seeing him or knowing he will never come for me, has created the greatest despair. He's made me look so foolish and ridiculous believing love was something that I could actually have in my life. He made me believe it and then he snatched it away from me.
It just fucking hurts so much. I want outside of my head and I want to stop this physical ache I feel inside, in my heart. I can smell him when I think of him. I can see his face and his smile. I can hear his laugh and scratchy voice. I can feel his gentle touch and warm embrace. It's all so overwhelming and it's slowly killing me.
I don't care that I sound like a sap. I want to shut out my memories and stop all this stupid crying. I want to find a reason to regret everything. To write him off and out of my life not worthy of my tears or for the place in my heart that still holds onto him. But I can't. I just can't.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Love Sucks!
Well...I'm right back where I started. It's difficult to say how I came to revisit this thing called loneliness. I'm still twisted over the reasons - but who wouldn't be? I honestly thought I was in a reciprocating loving, honest relationship. I didn't see it coming, and it knocked me down hard. I'm struggling to get back up and brush myself off.
I guess I love too much, too hard and evidently too soon. Why do I always end up getting hurt? Why do I have to suffer because I choose to live my life with passion? It's what happens when you're an 'all or nothing' kind of person.
I'm taking a hiatus from dating, love and relationships. I just can't take the bullshit and lies anymore. My heart needs to heal. I was so ready for love too. I knew exactly where I was in my life and so sure of what I wanted. I thought I had found my match. My companion.
Why is it when this happens, we question ourselves? We try introspection and reflection to see if we did something wrong? I didn't though. I love him for him. I never asked him to be anything except himself. And how do you go from laughter and such great times to a break-up?
Problem is, he has no fucking clue as to where he is in his life. Not even divorced and questionable as to going back to the wifey at this point. I know, I know. Rule #1 - never ever date a man that's still married. Separation means nothing. After a lifetime of memories, he's clueless about what he wants and likely you're going to be the rebound. Ding, Ding, Ding. I knew it too. I called it. But oh how he laid it on me - so reassuring. So convincing that I was what he'd been looking for his whole life. Yep - it makes me a schmuck! A sucker! A dumb-ass! Why do fools fall in love? (clearly rhetorical)
Oh sure - I can hear it now. I told you so. Figures you go to blaming him because Captain Obvious, wasn't obvious enough. Women. We always take all these little signs and gestures to heart and interpret them into our own little sordid meanings. Let me tell you this - I didn't misinterpret a damn thing. I know what I was told. I know how I felt. It was obvious to even the people that love me the most, that he was crazy in love with me. And we were completely honest with each other, on every level. My policy, of course. I have to be honest with myself and I wanted to have an honest relationship.
It wasn't just sex. Don't get me wrong - that was great. But it takes two to tango and we were lucky to have that much chemistry. This wasn't a relationship founded on sex, though. I fell in love with his writing. Our conversations grew into an incredible friendship. We enjoyed each other's company immensely. It was easy and fun. He got me and I got him. We didn't even have sex for nearly 3 months into dating. WTH is that?!! And I'm always running on insatiable. But I wanted to do this differently. I wanted it to be meaningful and I wanted to respect myself and see if things could truly blossom into something genuine. No it wasn't an experiment. Somehow, the way everything fell into place was just how it happened. He was a gentleman and I am a lady. He treated me like a princess and held me in high regard.
Then one fine day, out of nowhere I could sense a disconnect. Something was odd in the way he was acting, the way he looked at me, even the things he was saying. So I asked. And in a phone conversation (primarily because I pressed the issue, once I knew there was one) he broke up with me. I didn't think it was real. So I told him I needed closure and he owed it to me to talk to me face to face. He never swayed. It was over. Just like that, with no warning, this beautiful love he had for me had ended.
I wasn't going to grovel. I wasn't going to beg. I have dignity. I have too much respect for me. So eventually I agreed it was what was best. My heart won't let it go. And it's been painful to get away from the mere thought of him or a memory. I'm trying to distract myself. Nothing's working yet. Ugh!! Love sucks!
I guess I love too much, too hard and evidently too soon. Why do I always end up getting hurt? Why do I have to suffer because I choose to live my life with passion? It's what happens when you're an 'all or nothing' kind of person.
I'm taking a hiatus from dating, love and relationships. I just can't take the bullshit and lies anymore. My heart needs to heal. I was so ready for love too. I knew exactly where I was in my life and so sure of what I wanted. I thought I had found my match. My companion.
Why is it when this happens, we question ourselves? We try introspection and reflection to see if we did something wrong? I didn't though. I love him for him. I never asked him to be anything except himself. And how do you go from laughter and such great times to a break-up?
Problem is, he has no fucking clue as to where he is in his life. Not even divorced and questionable as to going back to the wifey at this point. I know, I know. Rule #1 - never ever date a man that's still married. Separation means nothing. After a lifetime of memories, he's clueless about what he wants and likely you're going to be the rebound. Ding, Ding, Ding. I knew it too. I called it. But oh how he laid it on me - so reassuring. So convincing that I was what he'd been looking for his whole life. Yep - it makes me a schmuck! A sucker! A dumb-ass! Why do fools fall in love? (clearly rhetorical)
Oh sure - I can hear it now. I told you so. Figures you go to blaming him because Captain Obvious, wasn't obvious enough. Women. We always take all these little signs and gestures to heart and interpret them into our own little sordid meanings. Let me tell you this - I didn't misinterpret a damn thing. I know what I was told. I know how I felt. It was obvious to even the people that love me the most, that he was crazy in love with me. And we were completely honest with each other, on every level. My policy, of course. I have to be honest with myself and I wanted to have an honest relationship.
It wasn't just sex. Don't get me wrong - that was great. But it takes two to tango and we were lucky to have that much chemistry. This wasn't a relationship founded on sex, though. I fell in love with his writing. Our conversations grew into an incredible friendship. We enjoyed each other's company immensely. It was easy and fun. He got me and I got him. We didn't even have sex for nearly 3 months into dating. WTH is that?!! And I'm always running on insatiable. But I wanted to do this differently. I wanted it to be meaningful and I wanted to respect myself and see if things could truly blossom into something genuine. No it wasn't an experiment. Somehow, the way everything fell into place was just how it happened. He was a gentleman and I am a lady. He treated me like a princess and held me in high regard.
Then one fine day, out of nowhere I could sense a disconnect. Something was odd in the way he was acting, the way he looked at me, even the things he was saying. So I asked. And in a phone conversation (primarily because I pressed the issue, once I knew there was one) he broke up with me. I didn't think it was real. So I told him I needed closure and he owed it to me to talk to me face to face. He never swayed. It was over. Just like that, with no warning, this beautiful love he had for me had ended.
I wasn't going to grovel. I wasn't going to beg. I have dignity. I have too much respect for me. So eventually I agreed it was what was best. My heart won't let it go. And it's been painful to get away from the mere thought of him or a memory. I'm trying to distract myself. Nothing's working yet. Ugh!! Love sucks!
Monday, March 21, 2011
I find that in the darkest moments, the light is far brighter even at a great distance. I can run to it, though I occasionally grow tired, or get ADHD and become distracted.
The truth is I hurt, and I feel myself growing incredibly angry. But then being a victim was never a good role for me. I'm a fighter. I have strength beyond the reaches of any man. (not physically, duh) Resilience and patience. Yes, patience. A blind faith that the things that happen in my life, happen for a reason. Sometimes those reasons aren't always clear or evident right away. But eventually, things come together and start to make sense.
Though I'm finding it difficult to buy into all the ridiculousness I bought into before. So I know I'm growing as a person. It ain't leaps and bounds, but who said I had to jump anyway? One step at a time.
None of it ever felt real - it all felt like a dream anyway. Now it's time to wake up.
There's just so much life to live. And I always said, when death comes, I'm sliding in sideways all bruised and beaten, and able to say I've truly enjoyed my life. Those that want to come along for the ride are welcome. Those that don't - well...
The truth is I hurt, and I feel myself growing incredibly angry. But then being a victim was never a good role for me. I'm a fighter. I have strength beyond the reaches of any man. (not physically, duh) Resilience and patience. Yes, patience. A blind faith that the things that happen in my life, happen for a reason. Sometimes those reasons aren't always clear or evident right away. But eventually, things come together and start to make sense.
Though I'm finding it difficult to buy into all the ridiculousness I bought into before. So I know I'm growing as a person. It ain't leaps and bounds, but who said I had to jump anyway? One step at a time.
None of it ever felt real - it all felt like a dream anyway. Now it's time to wake up.
There's just so much life to live. And I always said, when death comes, I'm sliding in sideways all bruised and beaten, and able to say I've truly enjoyed my life. Those that want to come along for the ride are welcome. Those that don't - well...
The Death of Love
The final moments before I knew it was over, my heart was palpitating fiercely in anticipation that he would stand by me and we would face things together. My heart murmur would surely to give any second. The depths of blackness swallowing me and sucking me down, spiralling down. I don't know how I'm going to make it. How can this be? It isn't real.
I had waited my whole life to feel this way, only to come to the realization that it was all just an illusion. Honesty, love, friendship, passion, trust. Everything I knew it was supposed to be, I was a part of and it had been real.
Still it slipped through my tear soaked fingers.
How do you walk away from something so incredible? Was it all a ruse? A lie? A luxury I allowed myself, I couldn't truly afford? My eternal optimism gone in the blink of an eye - like a magic trick - poof! To love someone was to knowingly enter into an uncertain realm of tortured pain.
The man, the love I dreamt of my whole life had determined I wasn't worth loving anymore. He just walked away knowing he'd never touch me, hold me, kiss me, make me smile or laugh, never hear my voice on the other end of the phone, never again to talk for hours or feel my body move beneath his, never again to taste me, never again to have such honesty and trust and faith. Knowing I love him for everything he is and he wouldn't never have to be anybody but himself.
Now, I'll be but another story to share amongst friends. A mere afterthought and perhaps a sigh of relief. One less complication.
It's what destroys you from within. Not the bad relationships, not the abusive ones, not the cheating ones. It's losing the one that you know truly loved you. The one you really love. The one that broke down walls that couldn't be broken. It's the one that not only spoke to your soul, but whispered to your heart. The one that will never allow you to love again.
That's the one that kills you. That's the one you don't see coming. It's the death of love that blindsides you. It crushes and devastates, crippling your heart.
How great can one thing be and it still not be enough?
I had waited my whole life to feel this way, only to come to the realization that it was all just an illusion. Honesty, love, friendship, passion, trust. Everything I knew it was supposed to be, I was a part of and it had been real.
Still it slipped through my tear soaked fingers.
How do you walk away from something so incredible? Was it all a ruse? A lie? A luxury I allowed myself, I couldn't truly afford? My eternal optimism gone in the blink of an eye - like a magic trick - poof! To love someone was to knowingly enter into an uncertain realm of tortured pain.
The man, the love I dreamt of my whole life had determined I wasn't worth loving anymore. He just walked away knowing he'd never touch me, hold me, kiss me, make me smile or laugh, never hear my voice on the other end of the phone, never again to talk for hours or feel my body move beneath his, never again to taste me, never again to have such honesty and trust and faith. Knowing I love him for everything he is and he wouldn't never have to be anybody but himself.
Now, I'll be but another story to share amongst friends. A mere afterthought and perhaps a sigh of relief. One less complication.
It's what destroys you from within. Not the bad relationships, not the abusive ones, not the cheating ones. It's losing the one that you know truly loved you. The one you really love. The one that broke down walls that couldn't be broken. It's the one that not only spoke to your soul, but whispered to your heart. The one that will never allow you to love again.
That's the one that kills you. That's the one you don't see coming. It's the death of love that blindsides you. It crushes and devastates, crippling your heart.
How great can one thing be and it still not be enough?
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