Unrelenting Pain

When does this unrelenting pain go away? How can it be so easy for someone to just walk away? After saying they love you so much??

It just doesn't seem real now. But, it didn't seem real then, either. Maybe it was all just a lie. (That's the voice of agonizing pain). I want so much to be angry, that I search and search for some horrible memory to distance myself from the love I feel. No matter how much I push or pull I keep finding myself reliving these incredible moments. I just want to turn them off.

This isn't like walking away from an abusive relationship. A relationship where there was fighting or a great divide in thought or compatibility. This is one of the hardest things I've had to face on my own. And I'm struggling to let go. While it was so fucking easy for him.

They say if you really love someone, let them go and if they truly love you they will come back. But we all know some twisted broken heart thought that shit up in an effort to soothe the pain. My head tells me his pride and family would never let him, anyway - so what difference does it make? My eternal optimism feels snuffed out. I can't watch a romantic comedy or the like without shutting it off and calling bullshit. I feel robbed. I feel detached and worst of all I feel alone.

For all that I have been through in my life, I've never felt alone. Not talking to him or seeing him or knowing he will never come for me, has created the greatest despair. He's made me look so foolish and ridiculous believing love was something that I could actually have in my life. He made me believe it and then he snatched it away from me.

It just fucking hurts so much. I want outside of my head and I want to stop this physical ache I feel inside, in my heart. I can smell him when I think of him. I can see his face and his smile. I can hear his laugh and scratchy voice. I can feel his gentle touch and warm embrace. It's all so overwhelming and it's slowly killing me.

I don't care that I sound like a sap. I want to shut out my memories and stop all this stupid crying. I want to find a reason to regret everything. To write him off and out of my life not worthy of my tears or for the place in my heart that still holds onto him. But I can't. I just can't.