The cage is open

I saw a glimpse of myself today. The me, that was excitable and articulate and funny. I felt lighter. My soul was not heavy. 

I remembered the little girl who had big dreams and a sassy attitude and a loving heart. 

I saw the awkward teenager that was unsure of everything but remembered insane details about endless things and could recite entire paragraphs she’d read weeks, months even years before. 

The girl that became a Mom and fell in love for the first time. My son.

Then again. My daughter.

Then the young lady who was fun and full of life, despite the odds she faced. 

I saw the warrior and the goddess, the beautiful woman who could turn every head in a room. 

I saw the woman that fought like hell to keep her head above water and treaded in the deep end for too many years. 

She fell in love a third time. My son.

Those kids are the loves of my life.

Then I saw the woman that faced cruelty and pain and fears ten times her size and stared down the barrel of a shotgun and never flinched. The woman that overcame every challenge she ever faced. 

The woman that cried herself to sleep and still got out of bed when her world was falling apart and she was spiraling, still she steadied herself and stood tall and hustled through it.

I saw a queen heal herself and own her truth and love with all her soul and give and give and give. 

And looking at myself, suddenly I felt divine and awake and beautiful and I felt like me again, but deeper than I had ever felt my true self. I shined, no I beamed. I did what I wanted to do and I was comfortable and grateful in my skin and my soul still feels like it’s glowing from just that one moment. 

I am me. I can finally let go of all this pain and sorrow and grief. 

I can smile again. It’s going to be okay. I am still here, and I am as mad as the madhatter and as unapologetic as a career criminal. There is a power that has been sleeping inside me, and she no longer begs to be free. The cage is open, and so is my heart.