Safe space

Honestly who wants to be loved in little increments and tiny pieces, those are just crumbs. I want to be loved wholly and consistently. 

Enough of these games already, especially the ones we hypocritically say we don’t play into. Either we are going to break down our own walls for each other in a safe space between us or just fucking forget it. I will not invest in someone who isn’t willing to invest in me. 

We all would like to feel loved and for the most part I believe we all know what each of us individually needs… to know we are loved. I cannot speak for anyone else. But I know what I need and what I want. They don’t always coexist on the same realm of reality. So trust me when I say I know the difference. 

I know what I need. 

Ripe lips ready for sinful kisses and thighs begging for finger bruises. 

Eat this wicked flesh until my bones tremble like a wind chime.

The Sun and The Moon

The moon 
hears all your secrets, 
wishes and dreams 

born of stars, 

she kisses your tears 

hidden beneath

black velvet skies, 

she embraces

your reticence 

concealed by daylight, 

she is your peace

She shares her light 

on your darkest nights 

and gives breadth 

to hope and all of your 

midnights 

You see

I know what it’s like

to be alone

and obscured by daylight 

I have never 

belonged

to this world

I am always

adrift in an 

endless cycles

phasing in and out

always circling the outside 

lost in a sea of

beauty from a billion stars

sometimes stealing the

warmth given by 

the sun

You must be 

the sun because 

you are brilliant and beautiful 

and your soul burns too 

bright for this world

but it never stops

you from

giving life to everything 

and always being 

a light

for everyone 

even when you are weary,

still, you burn 

And here I am 

selfish again

because 

I want to forget 

the world

that keeps us apart

I want to bathe 

and burn

in your light 

And feel our souls

melt into one

when our celestial

and ethereal 

bodies collide 

When I asked you to ruin me; I meant ruin my body, not my life.

You never understood that you cannot break me. 

I laugh because you cannot break me. 

Memories that conjure up old ghosts 

What woman wouldn’t instantly push her fingers down her panties, if a man could speak his emotions this honestly. And who better than Fyodor to set words on fire in my imagination. Fyodor is my lover now. He knows. 

“[…] he saw her, his heart throbbed violently, and all was dark before his eyes.” 

~Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

Fools

Maybe it’s the chorus of the dead

Maybe it’s the merriment of fools

absolution

I don’t seek 

absolution 

from my ‘sins’ 

I fuck

myself  in

reflection 

of them

with 

tremendous 

enthusiasm.

another crazy romantic notion

I was going to elaborate on the marvels of consistency in relationships. I stopped myself. 

My mom had complicated surgery and is struggling to recover. My dad has been by her side nonstop and as close as he can be while she’s in a nursing/rehab facility, despite struggling with his own ailments. Almost a year ago it was my dad in the hospital with a 13% chance to live and my mom never left his side.

I have seen devotion and love and a bond of real companionship so deeply rooted in my parent’s relationship that it’s both bittersweet and breathtaking to watch. 

I wish I could say I knew what consistency was, and what it felt like for someone to truly love every part of me - even the parts that drive them crazy - but I have only ever witnessed it. I know it exists. I’m not clinging to another crazy romantic notion. I’ve been told I am, but I know what I see. 

It must be the most incredible feeling too. I fucking want that, I want to be with someone that can’t go a day without talking to me. Even if they’re mad. Even if I’m mad. Why is everyone just wanting to hook up, and nobody wants to be in a loving devotional consistent honest relationship? I mean c’mon, there’s got to be one other person out there that wants this too!

It’s all talk about someday this and someday that. My parents are right. If someone is not also willing to sacrifice their independence to have something amazing and isn’t trying to make plans for both right now and a future, then I’m done. And. What a shame.

Another crowded room filled with shadows chasing more shadows. I couldn’t breathe, so I went outside, to hang my own shadows in the moonlight underneath the stars.

It wasn’t my shadow giving chase to the darkness that bothered me, it was the crowded room full of people.