For me

I spent a lot of time asking, why her and not me. And not once was it ever because of jealousy. It was always because I couldn’t understand why I was always too much or too little and not enough either way. 

I just wanted to know why it wasn’t me. 

It was rarely the same reason, which made it even more difficult to wrap my brain around. I wanted to learn from it and “fix” me so someone would choose me. I was always building rebuilding, and reinventing myself over and over again. I spent years torturing myself to be someone that someone would love, not once thinking I was reinventing myself from words and actions of others who caused me tremendous pain, didn’t always admit to their part and also didn’t choose me. 

To be clear it was most often me that pulled the trigger. I was always holding the smoking gun, and I told myself I didn’t mind because I looked good doing it. The vanity and the horror. I would be so hurt by the time I pulled the trigger, it didn’t matter that I cried as I fired away. I didn’t care if I carried all the blame, I had to clean up the mess anyway. Here’s the pile on with sprinkles and whipped cream; but trust that I was framed.

I was too busy looking for clues within and without to realize, why did I care so much why none of them chose me. I stayed in relationships based on the premise that I might be chosen - what was I thinking? 

The only choice that matters now is if I choose me. I don’t need to fix anything about me for anyone else, and certainly not for anyone that doesn’t choose me. I say this to myself as if I believe, as if anyone might ever choose me for me.