It's time....

Its time....  I must purge, I have to heal me of all these things, of all these secrets, of all this tragedy and sadness, from all this pain and worry and woe, I must set free my strained heart, it's all become to heavy to keep lifting so many to be awash in the love of my moon.  I need to breathe before everything caves in on me.    ... there are times when I grow so tired and I just don't care to want to be strong anymore. 

Checking in on everyone and listening and being their cheerleader and that shoulder has been leaned on too much now and this has struck me hard.  I look within myself, searching for my reserve of inner strength and will, to carry on smiling, its been looted, the treasure gone.  I find nothing there and as things fall apart around me, I fight with myself to admit I cant keep trying to carry all this weight.  Its that nightmare I've had since I was 2, where I'm standing in the dark holding a needle and trying to keep the world from crushing me, armed only with a tiny needle, balancing a world that isn't mine.  I'm screaming inside and I have nowhere to turn. 

I do this, I give so much of me away, I forget I need me too.  Something happens, I feel myself begin to fold and withdraw from everything and everyone.  I feel how lonely I truly am, where 10 minutes prior I was happy.  I am weary and exhausted and tears crash and fall like whitewater rapids and I swallow and blink my eyes, praying I don't drown in it, that I don't free-fall spiraling out of control, down, down, down.  I must fight for my life, with everything I have to not be consumed by those demons that too often come to play.  I am strong, but I feel myself beginning to break.  And now I have to fight, I have to fight hard just for me, just to keep standing, to not let my knees buckle from the pressure, to not fall to the floor curling into a ball and weeping so hard my heart breaks and bleeds.  I don't want to do this anymore. 

I always miss my Nani, but today, I wish she were here holding my hand. 

"I need some distraction or a beautiful release, memories seep from my veins, let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight."  Sarah McLachlan 'Angel"
 

Johnny Cash - Hurt

https://youtu.be/8AHCfZTRGiI?si=rf0UxG1c0Mlg62qh

Don't forget me

Sparkling, her eyes plead with you,
Do not follow in the footsteps of fools,
Mighty were those that fell long before you,
See the delicate things that are only she,
Wishing wells and regrets are empty and hollow and heavy
Close your eyes, to touch who she truly is
She implores you to feel her ache, her want
Her passion is not for the faint
She is a mermaid, whimsical and magic
She gives breadth to depths unimagined
When were you stirred by fever
For how long did you forget to breathe
When did her words trip you
Did you feel the magnetic pull of your soul
Like the amber glow of saturated sunrises she draws you home 
Does her laugh carry butterfly wings on salty breezes
Has it seared the edges of your mind
Have you trembled in her eyes a thousand times
Have you kissed the corners of her mouth
Do you yearn to let your tongue dance in daydreams with hers
Remember she is not just what you see,
She is so much more than any mere beauty.

And when the beauty of a delicate flower does fade
Please
Don't forget me

I don't remember where I start or where I end. 

I do know - there's no getting out alive.  That being said, fuck it, here's my bucket list that I shall constantly update, which likely impresses none of you and I don't care, because it's for me and I write what I want to write - even if it's not really writing at all.

1 - get in a cage, and watch the great white sharks swim. (I would love to touch one of these majestic predators of the sea)
2 - I want to go soaring through a glorious sky either sunrise, preferably sunset - so long as the skies are colorful in an air balloon or hang glider.
3 - see Ireland and visit castles, drink in the pubs, see my ancestry, history and culture.
4 - go to Italy, and eat all the delicious foods and pastas, see my ancestry, history and culture, and visit as many vineyards as possible.
5 - go to France and eat all the delicious foods and pastries, see my ancestry, history and culture and visit as many vineyards as possible.
6 - climb the steps of Machu Picchu and see how a complete civilization once lived that is now entirely gone.
7 - white water rafting. anywhere - preferably Grand Canyon, but anywhere in Colorado would work.
8 - Yellowstone Park, see it's grandeur and camp and hike trails... the geysers...
9 - go to Carnival in Brazil... see a sliver of the Amazon forest before it's all gone
10 - visit the pyramids of Egypt. see my ancestry and history and culture
11 - travel by train... preferably to the Orient, but really I'd do this anywhere
12 - see the Galapagos. all of it. swim, snorkel, scuba
13 - visit the great libraries of Europe. all of them.
14 - see the cathedral built of bones. (there are 6 of them)
15 - visit New York, really see all of it, not just NYC. but Woodstock and the mountains and Catskills (smoke a cigarette with my friend and have a cup of coffee)
16 - do some whale watching
17 - memorize the periodic table of elements (again) just because.
18 - drive the PCH, the whole way and visit as many vineyards and beaches as possible
19 - vacation in a Lloyd Wright house for a week.  anywhere. preferably a glass house.
20 - real ziplining somewhere... (preferably not over gators or crocs)
21 - sky dive
22 - buy all my favorite records and listen to all of them on vinyl...
23 - help build a house for someone less fortunate than me.
24 - visit Count Vlad's castle. Castle Bran in Romania.
25 - try chocolate covered grasshoppers or some strange and weird food like that.
26 - go on a safari in Africa.
27 - go snow skiing in Colorado, visit every single one of the springs there. 
28 -
29 -

 

A muse

Most people consider being a muse, one of the most compelling and true compliments.  It is!  Imagine that someone thinks so much of you, that you inspire poetry or art or a story, even fashion.  I have been and am a muse to more than one person.  I am honored that I could be such a source of inspiration.  I can't begin to explain how incredible it makes me feel that I touched someone's psyche and creativity so much that it has inspired poetry, art, and even a book. 

Some of the most incredible pieces of art in history were inspired by a muse.  Some of the greatest poetry written and some of the greatest books... also inspired by A muse.  (Klimt, Whitman, Hemingway, Picasso, Goethe, Van Gogh, Poe, Byron, Anais Nin, Dickens, Lagerfeld, Chanel)  Some of the biggest fashion trends were a result of A muse.  The key word I keep using was 'A' muse, and it's easy to overlook because it's also the first letter in the alphabet.  An artist becomes consumed with passion when they become inspired.  Historically, none of these great artists ever had more than one muse at the same time, they may have had more than one in succession, but again, not ever at the same time.

** "The muse in her purest aspect is the feminine part of the male artist, with which he must have intercourse if he is to bring into being a new work. She is the anima to his animus, the yin to his yang, except that, in a reversal of gender roles, she penetrates or inspires him and he gestates and brings forth, from the womb of the mind."

The idea of a muse is to penetrate the mind.  That is how inspiration is born.  It is impossible to have more than one muse at a time.  In fact, some artist will only ever have one muse - and it will be the foundation of all their inspiration for all of their work(even if they have multiple models sit for paintings).  It can be the source of all creativity and an act of the divine in itself. The muse must first be separate of the creative drive in order to inspire.  It gives meaning, invention, exposition and draws from intensity.  Having more than one muse, usually means the artist's work has changed, the message is different, new material and new communication.  Any true artist that finds themselves inspired by a muse will tell you that even genius is unable to focus on more than one muse at the same time. 

Don't call me a muse, if you're telling a few girls they are also a muse and spewing poetry at every girl.  I know more than I let on and I know less than I want to -

*The Role of the Artist's Muse - Germaine Greer