Misspoken Words

https://youtu.be/LVB2mXCTbNs

How many times have you said something, and the moment it escaped your lips, you wanted to kick yourself?  What's worse - oh, I don't know - how about watching the person's face contort into an expression of pain and then disgust?  YEP - once it's out there - you can't un-ring that bell.  Forget that you were using the wrong word, the wrong adjective, a verb instead of a noun or vice-versa, grammatically - you've had a truly bad day.  None of that matters at ALL, you've just said something so incredibly offensive to someone, they're considering kicking your ass.  At least the look on their face, alludes to it.  Oh you're so screwed... and there's No take backs!   You're going to eat crow my friend, and if you value that person at all, you're going to apologize and apologize and apologize.  What's that - you didn't mean to say it?  Wrong word?  Who.... cares?  The offendee is now looking at you, like you've just taken a Louisville Slugger to their knee caps.  You are now a piece of poop on the bottom of their favorite pair of shoes.

It happens more than we want to admit.  Truth is, we don't think before we speak.  All of us, talking over each other and not listening and just not using our ears in proportion to our mouths.  Our words or the implications in our phrasing can be incredibly offensive and biting.  The quick-witted and sarcastic are the worst (sorry) or should I say the best at this.  I'm so flawed and fallible here, but hey - we all stumble and fall.  And isn't it funny how we all want to point a finger when we are on the receiving end of this?  None of us wants to be in that hot seat.  Seriously, when you realize you've hurt someone you didn't intend to hurt, there are NO words to explain it away or say you're sorry.  You have to look them in their eyes, knowing you caused that pain.  They will not hear anything other than those biting words in their head.  They're hurt, you did it and now they've shut down the line of communication, they look at you - but they're looking right through you.  All you can do is suck it up and listen when the floodgates open. 

You know you never meant to hurt that person, (and how can they not see that?) but now you will be brow-beaten (even by yourself) and/or given the cold shoulder.  And this is what's called fair-play.  How dare you get upset and ba-jiggity because you want to fix this and you're trying to make them understand you didn't mean to hurt them.  You've apologized a dozen times and they still won't talk to you, so now, you've exacerbated the situation because - you're only thinking of yourself!!!?  Wait, what?!  Yes, of course, me groveling and apologizing hundreds of times, struggling feverishly to understand and fix things or get you to talk to me, or actually look at me without looking through me, is now also offensive?   

Glass Houses.  We are all guilty!  Long gone are days of childish ways "sticks n stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me?" Our words are like daggers, how sharp and mighty is the tongue!  Everyone's level of sensitivity varies on any given day.  I don't know about you, but I'm not psychic.  I am, however, a firm believer in tact and... in truths.  Attempting to make everyone happy and curbing my vocabulary, or changing my grammar and/or phrasing often proves difficult.  No one - and I do mean - no one, is that good a social chameleon.  And personally, I don't feel being politically correct necessitates walking on egg shells.  You can not and will not please the masses.  Any attempt to please those around you, negates you, you'll be flipping yourself in every direction except your own and sometimes it will all be for nothing.  So be prepared, if you make that sacrifice - the other person owes you - nothing!  SO careful with how you project your expectations, you're going to be disappointed.  And the other person shouldn't be obligated to apologize for your expectations. 

If people love you, they will love you and accept your flaws.  Should I be the one to put duct tape on my mouth or change my behavior?  Most of the people I know and love don't stop to consider my feelings?  They just spit stuff out at me.  They don't tread carefully to ensure I'm not offended, oh no, no, no - they do and say what pleases them.  Whether in the hopes that we are on the same wavelength or that it won't bother me, or that I'll become enlightened.  So the manner in which they speak to me, is sometimes self-righteous and indignant.  Flip the script, if I speak to them like they speak to me - Hell will open up!!  If I say and do nothing, they continue to do this... if I broach the subject then I'm being argumentative and don't take constructive criticism well.  It doesn't matter what I do, some people will just never consider your feelings, and they will never be happy.  They will continue to speak their mind for the sake of giving an over-inflated opinion (or to coin their phrase - 'the truth').  I take and tolerate way more than I should because I love these people.  But my patience continues to wear thin.

So many questions immediately come to mind, this 'misspoken words' thing is so connected to so many things, it's a multi-level subject, it truly is so much bigger than just a misspoken word!! 

I'm not a sadist, I'm not into humiliating people, I don't go out of my way to embarrass you I don't enjoy seeing people I love, let alone those I just like, squirm.  I don't have an innate need to make people feel inferior to me.  I'm not condescending, even when I am the expert on the subject.  It's not who I am, I don't get off on the pain, belittlement or suffering of others.  I don't like to put people down to make myself feel better.  The last thing in the world I want is for people to feel uncomfortable around me.  I don't wake up and decide, hey I'm going to be a bitch today, then set out to hurt someone I love.  I'll admit, maybe in a fit of anger, a heated argument, we exchange some pretty biting words or get in some unnecessary digs to get the other's attention, but the weight of that is so heavy with regret - it bogs down my soul.  If I've hurt your feelings, and you know.... me, then I would hope you would know better than to think I'd intentionally hurt you. 

What's difficult to explain here is; my level of sensitivity and the fact that I struggle to remain non-judgmental means I carry and use a filter and/or tact more than most people.  I would even wager money on that.  I may have opinions, but even then, I take heed to curb what I say.  Trust me, I will get the lay of the land, pay attention to who may or may not be listening and then yes, as fast or as slow as my mind will move, I will then proceed to open my mouth.   However, I've just offended you, I was "out of line".

I'm spinning now and in a state of confusion, I don't always call people out when they've said something nasty to me - none of that matters now, my negligence has become very costly.  Yes -  go ahead, call me out on it so I don't do it again, but don't belabor it.  I'm much like a child, I'm too honest and my overzealous mind and quick mouth put me here, next time I should sputter and stammer a bit more, because I truly didn't mean to hurt you. 

You need time to process something I said?  So, does that constitute thereby negating any communication and going all icy cold on me?  Trust me, I feel it, the air is rife with your glacial attitude - I'm talking, but you're not hearing a word I say.  The look on your face speaks of disdain and disgust.  You won't talk about it though, not yet.  Here's where I question if you're really toiling over how to have this discussion.  Right or wrong, my frustration is on the rise because you won't talk to me.  I'm now in my own head and I start to think you're belaboring it on purpose to make me grovel...but why would you do that?

When you believe you're being attacked, you don't stop or pause to think.  When something strikes us a certain way, we immediately think it personal, dismissing any and all other positivity.  We are all guilty of jumping to conclusions.  It's easy for things to come undone and unravel after that.  Retrospect.  We've essentially gone from 0 to 60 in less than a fraction of a second. On the other end of the spectrum, I could also say - if everyone stops trying to finish sentences for people and simply listened and we weren't all waiting for the person to stop talking so we can interrupt and say what we want, maybe if we just listened... than maybe words would not have as much power over us.  Predicting what someone is going to say in your own head is not listening.  Listening could be the answer here, it could save a lot of heartbreak and misunderstanding. 

All I can say is take heed, "Be careful with your words.  Once they are spoken, they can only be forgiven - not forgotten."  They will remain with that person or with you, no explanation or apology can stop the way those words were heard.  "If the words we spoke appeared on our skin, would we still be beautiful?"  "The tongue is a small thing, but what enormous damage it can do."  James 3:5.    Also, take care of how you talk to yourself, you are listening but so are others - it's often how they determine how they'll treat you, by how you speak to and of yourself.  "Be sure to taste your words before you spit them out."  Also remember, "no matter how carefully you choose your words, they still end up being twisted by others."  And here's my favorite:

"Before you say something, think how you'd feel if someone said it to you."

Changing Hearts ... Part 2

It's been 5 years....SO much to catch you up on!!!

Recalling the original post, my friend was in a 5 year relationship and expressed a want to get married.  He did everything to stall, so she started going out and partying.  Then he decided to join the military and sadly they had ended things.  Fast forward - my friend is now happily married, to the same beau in the military and after a great deal of work and sacrifice, they're both parents. 

I'll rewind a little... He left for boot camp, while he was gone, she didn't seem to want to party and go out all the time anymore.  She quickly got bored, because it was really just show for him.  He wasn't there to appreciate it.  Of course, while he was away in boot camp, he really started missing her, so they started talking again.  Once out of boot camp, they were so elated to see each other.  They continued to work on their new long distance relationship and he finally got up the nerve to ask for her hand in marriage.  He put a ring on her finger and fulfilled a dream for her.  They had a lovely outdoor wedding.  Everyone had a wonderful time. 

Lucky bastard got orders to be stationed in Hawaii!!  So they packed up and were lucky enough to be there for 2 years.  He also did a tour in Afghanistan and when he came back they began trying to have a baby.  It was a very emotional very difficult process.  They were a bit luckier than most as it only took two tries to get in vitro right.  Now they've got a beautiful precious little daughter.  She'll be a year old soon. 

Moral of my story.  Two people that really love each other may not always see things eye to eye, it doesn't always mean the relationship is over.  "Sometimes things fall apart, so better things can come together".  They are very loving parents, loving each other and they've found a happy medium and the ability to communicate and compromise.  I'm incredibly happy for my friend.  I'm looking forward to her visit within the next month or so.

 

...on bended knee

"And when wind and winter harden  All the loveless land,  It will whisper of the garden,
You will understand." ~ Oscar Wilde  (written to his wife)

I made a vow I'd never marry again, after a brutal and painful divorce that shook my beliefs to the core.  I had been so fastened to those ideals and values that it flipped everything on its head, leaving me to question everything.

My vision of marriage changed completely, and not just getting married, but the idea of marriage, as a whole.  You know, there's an illusion people hastily attach to the tenants of marriage.  I think we (us - people as a whole) don't embrace the ideals or beliefs or the truth behind what it means to marry, to enter into a committed relationship and take and keep a vow.  I didn't want to have to feel that kind of obligation again, with no reciprocation.  Why would I want to commit myself again and enter into something I no longer believed in?  I had been the one to ask for a divorce.  Me - the one raised in church and hell-bent on staying married to the end of time, I had entered into a marriage I had fully believed in and I would die before getting a divorce.  That's what I had said, from childhood and years into my marriage, but then so many things went wrong... and I was the one that asked for a divorce.  It almost killed me.  

I had fallen in love and gotten married by the time I was twenty.   I knew exactly what I was doing.  I wasn't going to make all the same mistakes of all of the adults around me, I was too smart, too young, too in love, I was so sure I knew it all.  Despite many warnings and many things that should have been flags - I got married.  I was married for thirteen years. 

And so it would be that we would make all the same mistakes and a whole lot of new ones.  I find most people rarely truly talk about divorce.  Unless it's angry talk.  It just isn't something people like to discuss.  It's as if its politically incorrect to talk about it, unless its to make a joke or jest or to provide a friend or someone with some unsolicited wisdom on marriage and divorce.  Marriage was something you made fun of, something you'd warn the next generation not to do.. or worse, you'd project your eternal grudge.  I find rarely do people want to truly share the deeper emotions associated with how you're affected by marriage and divorce.  It's disheartening. 

Going through a divorce is a major event for some people in their lives - whether it was you that wanted the marriage to end, or the other person.  It destroys both people.  It destroys everyone!  Friends and family pick sides, everything is wrecked!  The pain is surreal and some people never fully recover.  It's probably one of the most difficult things to go through in life and nothing and no one can truly prepare you.  I've been divorced for over a decade now, so when I think about it, it's a lot less painful.  We aren't friends, and that's sad because I wish we had been, it would have been far more beneficial to raising our kids.  Just because we could no longer be together, didn't mean we shouldn't keep our promise as parents. 

It was tough.  As time passed, others became involved and interfered and/or were victims.  In truth, we never truly understood the vows we took before God. We weren't mature enough to understand the principles of marriage and what that would mean to each of us, individually.  I honestly don't think people really think about those vows - they say they do, but we don't.  We become consumed by everything else that's going on.  We marry because of an unplanned pregnancy, because our parents don't want us to live in sin, because it's what all our friends are doing.

I could tell you it was all his fault.  He'll probably tell you it was all my fault.  Truth was - we both destroyed our marriage.  We had been very much in love.  We had built a life together spanning some sixteen years.  We had had beautiful children, a home, friends and family that were connected through the years for parties, holidays and events.  We had explored our youth even long after we had become parents.  We had had many happy times in between lots of indifferent, immature and even miserable moments.  We were a mismatch and destined to simply continue to grow apart.  We wanted different things and had less and less in common, everything fell apart.  It didn't matter that we loved each other anymore.  We had been raised differently, our cultures and background had never mattered before, but they certainly played a part of everything coming apart.  Our pride got in the way.  Lots of things got in the way.  

I left.  It destroyed him.  It destroyed me.  It hurt everyone.  We had not tried hard enough and at times we had tried too hard.  We couldn't turn things around and there were moments of extreme disparity for each of us.  It was too little too late and not enough at all.  Still for as many times as we had broken up and patched things up - our marriage couldn't be fixed.  I take away a lot of wisdom and experience and love from that time in my life.  I try to remember better days, without losing sight of what was lost and why it had to be lost.  I'm better without him, and he's better without me.  I became a Mother which would ultimately be the most important thing in the world to me.  At one point, we had a beautiful life - but I remember very clearly why we don't belong together.  It wasn't for a lack of trying, we tried like hell.  But when things are forced, they're just going to fall apart at some point, anyway. 

Two years after we split up, I would become engaged.  I thought I had found love again.  I thought God had opened a new door for me.  Uh - I was wrong, then too, I was so very wrong.  I loved him, and maybe he loved me in the beginning.  But our love would always be indifferent.  I loved him more, than he loved me and I would spend more time trying to save him from himself.  Our relationship went only one direction, fast forward, and it wasn't healthy.  I couldn't do it anymore, it was tearing me apart, it was tearing apart my kids and friends and family.  I had wanted to marry him, and then I stalled the wedding a half dozen times.  Hindsight is 20/20 - I must have always known I would never marry him.  God gave me a beautiful son, even after I thought I'd never be able to have children again.  That would redeem all the pain and suffering - that little boy would become one of the greatest gifts in my life, he'd be the glue between me and my family like nothing else.  Again - I walked away, I had to - it was the best and the only choice I could make for the health and safety of everyone I loved. 

This broken engagement and failed relationship would epically change how I saw the idea of marriage - once again forcing me to look at it in a different perspective.  We had been engaged, had a child and while some of that was good it would also serve to be the ultimate corruption of the idea marriage for me.  The idea of getting married again slipped further and further into the abyss.  I stopped believing.  Marriage was laughable.  While friends and family couldn't wait to marry me off to someone - I would laugh at them.  How absolutely and irrefutably stupid could they be?  I knew of so many unhappy marriages and the fronts people would put up for the world, were insane.  People staying together for money, for possessions, for their kids, for all the wrong reasons.  I don't know, I guess you could say I was changing, I was swearing off the things I knew or thought could destroy me.  I would later realize I had been judging my friends and family for this...fueling my disdain towards the idea of marriage.

Looking back I should have taken more care of how I spoke of love and marriage.  Not realizing just how much my kids would be listening.  How so many of the statements I had made in anger, would altar younger lives and echo for years to come.  They had heard way too much, they had seen way too much.  Sadly after witnessing the awful heartbreak of their parents, and many people around them, they didn't believe in love.  Understand, I'm telling you they don't believe in love - not marriage.  They want to get married some day.  They just don't believe in love.  It breaks my heart.  It sends me on a roller coaster of emotions, wondering how could I have let this happen?  Maybe I'm to blame?!  Maybe I wasn't, maybe it had nothing to do with my words at all.  I can only hope and pray they find that person that changes their minds.  I plead with them, all the time, to understand that love is very real, it just (and please forgive my saying this) it just doesn't last forever - life is not a Disney movie.  True love is out there, I have witnessed it, but it is incredibly rare. 

I was raised to believe in marriage.  I watched every known fairytale and romantic comedy you can think of.  I still watch them, often begrudgingly.  I saw my grandparents and my parents and even friends that have pushed hard to make their marriages work.  I know now that even some of them had to go a 2nd round and risk it all over again with a whole other person to understand that vow. 

I realized I had been suppressing my feelings of how I truly felt about marriage.  Yes, I was sure I didn't want to get married.  But what if someone was sure I was worth marrying.  Even knowing it could fail.  Even knowing I could be a disaster.  Even knowing I'd want to change the fundamental principles in today's societal perception of marriage.  I knew then, at that moment, that maybe I was embracing a part of me, even if it was that little 3 year old girl with an untainted unbroken heart that was mesmerized by a moon.  I had been daydreaming of someday loving someone so much that they could change how I saw everything, including myself.  Maybe it was in the spirit of that feisty fiery 16 year old girl that looked through every bridal magazine dreaming of wearing a lovely beautiful gown and gazing into the eyes of her 'prince charming'.  Maybe, just maybe I didn't want to let go of the fairytale. 

I don't want to write it off anymore.  I'd like to believe someday someone will find me worth any part of what it entails to enter into a marriage and possibly a divorce.  I'd like to believe that they'd fight as hard as me at making it work.  That the sacrifice would be real and in equal measure.  I see good marriages and happy couples everywhere.  Does marriage change the idea of knowing that that one person will always be there for you and you for them?  That you'll grow old together and sit on a bench somewhere in a park and talk of days of past, while holding hands and cursing the younger generations.  I don't know, it changes everything.  I still want that, or something incredibly close to it.  Maybe I've reverted to romanticizing marriage.  I've grown as a woman, as an adult, I know what marriage means, now.  Maybe just maybe, someday, someone will get on bended knee and ask.

What does marriage mean?  What if I was in an amazing relationship and never married again, would that be fulfilling?  Is it what I really want or am I mirroring someone else's wants?  I know this much, no one is on bended knee.  Still, I have hope.  It's taken a long time for me to come to this conclusion.  And I think I was beating myself up for attempting to come to terms with it.  I changed my mind about something I felt incredibly passionate about and I'm no longer going to strictly hold down my own theories, ideas and beliefs without at least hearing or seeing with an open mind.  I feel good about this... and people say I can't change - hmph!
 

whispers

Crawl inside my head
Caress my thoughts first
Set me on fire 
Now I'm alive

My blood thunders
through my veins
My soul is blistering
about to explode

Now kiss me
with all of you
Consume me,
Absolutely
Completely

Your passion is where
I want to breathe
 

Happily ever after - is it a ruse?

How can there be a 'happily ever after'?  Happiness is a temporary state, it comes and goes as often as other 'emotional' states.  Are you maximizing positive emotion and minimizing negative emotions?  Clearly there's benefits to experiencing positive emotions.  While most certainly there's backlash to experiencing negative emotions.  Happily ever after is a fairytale.  The sooner you realize this and embrace it, the better off you'll be.  I'm not trying to be the gloom and doom cloud in your sky.  Just the truth in your head and your heart.

Think about this...We go to school for years, finish, sometimes even furthering our education, get the job of our dreams, then what?  We meet that 'one' special person, the apple of our eye, we get married, buy a house, have kids, have 2 cars and pets, then what?  Setting goals is very important.  Making a plan is a big deal.  Our parents wanted us to have a better life than them, but what does that mean? 

I agree, we should set goals, we should want better things.  We should always be striving for excellence and to improve ourselves.  But once you've achieved those, what do you do then?  Do you set new higher goals?  Do you continue to plan everything in your life?  Life is always moving forward, we will always be setting new goals.  Always wanting more.  Is that living?  Maybe it is.  Maybe for you, to plan everything makes you happy.  So you got the big house and flashy car.  Now what?  What now?  What will you set your sights on?   Is it always about money and status?  And fame?

How about setting a goal to read a new book?  What about planning a vacation that actually allows you to relax?  How about learning a new language?  How about just spending the day with your kids fishing, swimming or at the park?  Why does there always have to be a plan?  Why can't a goal be to fly where the wind carries you?  Is it really so irresponsible?  The best laid plans often fall to pieces.  Maybe I just want to see how I feel.  Maybe I'd like to just go to the beach and frolic in the sand and build castles... Maybe I don't want the flashy car or big house.  Maybe status or name brands are not goals for me?  Why do I need to be one of the sheep?  

"Despite the fact that happiness is consistently inconsistent, permanently impermanent, we judge ourselves harshly when we cannot maintain consistent happiness.  People who are not happy are seen as failures; it is our fault that we cannot hold onto happiness. We are not trying hard enough, not living our life right."  To me, quite possibly this may be one of the greatest paragraphs written on the subject matter.   Scary true how each and every one of those statements affect each and every one of us.

Folks, its not the end goal that makes it all worthwhile, it's the journey.  It's your everyday attitude.  It's your ability to look around you and appreciate the moment and everything you have.  Why make happiness your goal?  Why not simplify your thoughts and goals?  Why put so much on the premise that completing those goals, tasks or plans is going to make you happy?  And why do we keep trying to attain the idea of happiness?   It's a temporary state of emotion, people.

Ask yourself this.  Are you doing these things because you want to?  Do you derive joy from them?  Or is it someone else's agenda?  I've spent the majority of my life doing things to please other people, following others, doing as I was told, thinking if I made them happy - then I could be happy.  It's all a ruse!  I truly believe people will love you for you.  Some may think you aren't living up to your potential based on their own goals.  Try not to be mad at them, try to be understanding.  Try to be patient.  We all often want what we want.  So sometimes people can imply you're failing, if you're not living up to their goals.   Some things work out and some things don't.  But I'm not going to apply ultimatums or failure to the things that don't.  It's not realistic.  And "A lion does not concern itself with the opinion of sheep." 

Set your own goals and standards.  Live your life and each day for you.  If you're happy, the people in your life and those you around you will delight in your joy. 

I'm not America's Sweetheart. (to quote a song) And I have no interest in this point in my life in fitting into the ideals of other people.  I just don't care about those things.  I cherish the idea of people with different ideas and thoughts.  But I have no interest in being what someone else wants me to be.  I already have a boss at work.  I already have to bend a lot for the people in my life.  I feel like I'm making enough sacrifices that go unnoticed.  I don't want to resent people. 

You won't find happiness is someone else - either.  So if that's the goal you're setting, please reconsider it.  Maybe your kids make you happy - but what a huge burden for them to carry if you're basing all your happiness on them.  We all disappoint each other.  Every one of us.  We are all different.  All different opinions, different ideas, different expectations. 

In no way am I telling you what you should allow your goals to be or not be, we all process information and are different.  I celebrate that.  Even if I don't always agree with your opinion or ideas doesn't mean I don't believe in you.  If you're a friend or family member of mine, you know this to be a true statement.  Enjoy your life.  Enjoy your journey.  When you feel the precious moments of sheer happiness, enjoy each and every moment. 

Please, please - I beg you, remember, there is no happily ever after... it's the journey!