“The Heart is a lonely hunter with only one desire! To find some lasting comfort in the arms of another's fire...driven by a desperate hunger to the arms of a neon light, the heart is a lonely hunter when there's no sign of love in sight!”
Carson McCullers - The Heart is a Lonely Hunter
Love is a universal language. We all long for it. We all find ourselves scampering around looking for new and creative ways to show we love someone. We spend billions of dollars on things that revolve around the idea of love. But love is not a thing. Love is communicated through respect, tolerance, understanding, compassion, trust, faith and service. It's within our core, the palpability is found in silence, touch, grace, gifts, compliments and attitude.
Can it be unconditional? Is love separate from passion? Is it a spiritual feeling? Could it be considered a psychological or physiological feeling?
Love is a universal language. We all long for it. We all find ourselves scampering around looking for new and creative ways to show we love someone. We spend billions of dollars on things that revolve around the idea of love. But love is not a thing. Love is communicated through respect, tolerance, understanding, compassion, trust, faith and service. It's within our core, the palpability is found in silence, touch, grace, gifts, compliments and attitude.
Can it be unconditional? Is love separate from passion? Is it a spiritual feeling? Could it be considered a psychological or physiological feeling?
"the biology of attachment. We know that a suite of hormones and neurotransmitters (including oxytocin, vasopressin, prolactin, testosterone, dopamine, etc…) are involved in developing and maintaining physiological bonds between mothers and infants and fathers and infants. This system also functions in the same way between adults. The system is triggered by physical touch, spending intense social time in contact or near one another, and positive social interactions. Humans have evolved a system that uses social and physical interactions, hormones, and the brain, to prime the body to feel closer and more attached to another individual. In the most basic sense this is the same system common across mammals."
For me, love means so many different things. I can find something to love in just about anyone. I have also learned that I fall in love easily and often. I have learned that when I was younger, I believed I would find 'one special person' and spend my life loving only that person. Truth be told, that's not at all the truth of my life or who I am. Don't worry, I'm not going to break out into song "To all the men I've loved before..." ... I've been married, I've been engaged, and I've dated (I loathe dating). ...I was never meant to be monogamous to one person my whole life, even if it was what I wanted. Even if at times, its still what I want. Life happens. Time, experience, things and people change and the way we see and feel about someone can change. I will always love the people I have loved, but I will never love them, again, the way I loved them. I would never dishonor myself by saying I didn't still love or care for the people I've loved. I live my life with no regrets. So even the most painful loves will remain in my heart. I know that I'm capable of great love.
All kinds of love. Selfless love. Sacrificial love. Virtuous love. Ingratiating love. Deferential love. Romantic love. Congenial love. Dutiful love. Erotic, nostalgic, even whimsical love. I conclude that there are so many types and ways to love. But for me, giving love is one of the greatest emotional, chemical and spiritual feelings.
"Humans have extensive social pair bonding across genders and age categories, probably more than any other species. Humans have both social and sexual pair bonds, and the two are not necessarily connected. We can have social pair bonds with our relatives[v] and our closest friends, they can be with same-sex individuals or different sex individuals, same-age or different ages. Humans are also unique in having sexual pair bonds both heterosexually and homosexually[vi]. Our sexual pair bonding, like our sexual activity, is not limited to reproduction."
I've learned to accept that the real joy of love, has been in the giving of my heart and giving of my love. I accept that my heart is full and able to love with no boundaries. I used to think it was bad for me to fall in love with so many people so easily. Allow me to clarify... I don't have an infinite succession of lovers, I fall in love with friends and family too, recently I find I enjoy being alone. I need my space or I suffocate. I want to love others with everything I have but I don't want to suffocate people, either. I love my family and my kids and my friends and each and every person enriches my life in some way or another. I find greater joy in positive things and oft feel like a hippie. Whatever - I'm just full of love!
.."most people want “love” between romantic pairs to be something different. Culturally we see romantic love as separate from familial or friendship love. Unfortunately, aside from a slightly different pattern of some specific hormones brought about by sexual behavior, there is nothing truly different about romantic love than any other kinds of love. Biologically speaking that is. Of course there are various different psychological and social elements involved, as well as religious ones, in what people see and experience as romantic love. However, the myth that romantic love is essentially (biologically) different from other types of strong attachment is created and maintained by cultural beliefs and our world views, not our biology."
Unconditional love does exist. I've found it primarily exists for me, as a Mother. It is the greatest love I know. I know that I will never know what it's like to be loved unconditionally. That statement may hurt people. I want to say I'm sorry, it's honesty and it's how I feel. Will I ever truly experience an unconditional love? I've come incredibly close. I'm truly grateful that I've had so much love in my life.
"Love is not a thing or a pattern. It is simply a word that we use to gloss over the amazingly diverse, complex, and even messy, realities of human relationships. And as always, being human is much more interesting than that."
Looking back, I thought there were times where I had loved more than the other person loved me. And then there were times where they loved me more than I loved them. It was all true. We are all unique. I'm not saying you're special, I'm not saying you aren't special. I am saying we all feel things differently. Sometimes we feel things at the same moment as the other person - and that is an incredibly powerful moment. Perhaps, it's what we are constantly seeking. Or maybe we are simply looking for a constant love. I know this much, I can't expect that I will receive unconditional love if I'm not giving it. I can't expect to know love, if I don't leave myself open and vulnerable to both that glorious moment and or the pain that might follow - I will never know the magnitude love has... and for me, I don't want to live a safe boring loveless life. I'd rather know great love and great pain. I'll always put myself out there, ready to face the all too painful rejection. And ready to face the tremendous reward of love. We are all flawed people. Flawed and beautiful. And we all long to be loved and to love...
[i] Walter Goldschmidt (2005) The Bridge to Humanity: How Affect Hunger Trumps the Selfish Gene Oxford University Press
[ii] This notion is increasingly popular in studies of human evolution. For an overview of these ideas see Fuentes, A. (2009) Evolution of Human Behavior, Oxford University Press.
[iii] Agustin Fuentes (2012) What Is Love? Psychology Today.
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