Love Sucks!

Well...I'm right back where I started. It's difficult to say how I came to revisit this thing called loneliness. I'm still twisted over the reasons - but who wouldn't be? I honestly thought I was in a reciprocating loving, honest relationship. I didn't see it coming, and it knocked me down hard. I'm struggling to get back up and brush myself off.

I guess I love too much, too hard and evidently too soon. Why do I always end up getting hurt? Why do I have to suffer because I choose to live my life with passion? It's what happens when you're an 'all or nothing' kind of person.

I'm taking a hiatus from dating, love and relationships. I just can't take the bullshit and lies anymore. My heart needs to heal. I was so ready for love too. I knew exactly where I was in my life and so sure of what I wanted. I thought I had found my match. My companion.

Why is it when this happens, we question ourselves? We try introspection and reflection to see if we did something wrong? I didn't though. I love him for him. I never asked him to be anything except himself. And how do you go from laughter and such great times to a break-up?

Problem is, he has no fucking clue as to where he is in his life. Not even divorced and questionable as to going back to the wifey at this point. I know, I know. Rule #1 - never ever date a man that's still married. Separation means nothing. After a lifetime of memories, he's clueless about what he wants and likely you're going to be the rebound. Ding, Ding, Ding. I knew it too. I called it. But oh how he laid it on me - so reassuring. So convincing that I was what he'd been looking for his whole life. Yep - it makes me a schmuck! A sucker! A dumb-ass! Why do fools fall in love? (clearly rhetorical)

Oh sure - I can hear it now. I told you so. Figures you go to blaming him because Captain Obvious, wasn't obvious enough. Women. We always take all these little signs and gestures to heart and interpret them into our own little sordid meanings. Let me tell you this - I didn't misinterpret a damn thing. I know what I was told. I know how I felt. It was obvious to even the people that love me the most, that he was crazy in love with me. And we were completely honest with each other, on every level. My policy, of course. I have to be honest with myself and I wanted to have an honest relationship.

It wasn't just sex. Don't get me wrong - that was great. But it takes two to tango and we were lucky to have that much chemistry. This wasn't a relationship founded on sex, though. I fell in love with his writing. Our conversations grew into an incredible friendship. We enjoyed each other's company immensely. It was easy and fun. He got me and I got him. We didn't even have sex for nearly 3 months into dating. WTH is that?!! And I'm always running on insatiable. But I wanted to do this differently. I wanted it to be meaningful and I wanted to respect myself and see if things could truly blossom into something genuine. No it wasn't an experiment. Somehow, the way everything fell into place was just how it happened. He was a gentleman and I am a lady. He treated me like a princess and held me in high regard.

Then one fine day, out of nowhere I could sense a disconnect. Something was odd in the way he was acting, the way he looked at me, even the things he was saying. So I asked. And in a phone conversation (primarily because I pressed the issue, once I knew there was one) he broke up with me. I didn't think it was real. So I told him I needed closure and he owed it to me to talk to me face to face. He never swayed. It was over. Just like that, with no warning, this beautiful love he had for me had ended.

I wasn't going to grovel. I wasn't going to beg. I have dignity. I have too much respect for me. So eventually I agreed it was what was best. My heart won't let it go. And it's been painful to get away from the mere thought of him or a memory. I'm trying to distract myself. Nothing's working yet. Ugh!! Love sucks!

I find that in the darkest moments, the light is far brighter even at a great distance. I can run to it, though I occasionally grow tired, or get ADHD and become distracted.

The truth is I hurt, and I feel myself growing incredibly angry. But then being a victim was never a good role for me. I'm a fighter. I have strength beyond the reaches of any man. (not physically, duh) Resilience and patience. Yes, patience. A blind faith that the things that happen in my life, happen for a reason. Sometimes those reasons aren't always clear or evident right away. But eventually, things come together and start to make sense.

Though I'm finding it difficult to buy into all the ridiculousness I bought into before. So I know I'm growing as a person. It ain't leaps and bounds, but who said I had to jump anyway? One step at a time.

None of it ever felt real - it all felt like a dream anyway. Now it's time to wake up.

There's just so much life to live. And I always said, when death comes, I'm sliding in sideways all bruised and beaten, and able to say I've truly enjoyed my life. Those that want to come along for the ride are welcome. Those that don't - well...

The Death of Love

The final moments before I knew it was over, my heart was palpitating fiercely in anticipation that he would stand by me and we would face things together. My heart murmur would surely to give any second. The depths of blackness swallowing me and sucking me down, spiralling down. I don't know how I'm going to make it. How can this be? It isn't real.

I had waited my whole life to feel this way, only to come to the realization that it was all just an illusion. Honesty, love, friendship, passion, trust. Everything I knew it was supposed to be, I was a part of and it had been real.

Still it slipped through my tear soaked fingers.

How do you walk away from something so incredible? Was it all a ruse? A lie? A luxury I allowed myself, I couldn't truly afford? My eternal optimism gone in the blink of an eye - like a magic trick - poof! To love someone was to knowingly enter into an uncertain realm of tortured pain.

The man, the love I dreamt of my whole life had determined I wasn't worth loving anymore. He just walked away knowing he'd never touch me, hold me, kiss me, make me smile or laugh, never hear my voice on the other end of the phone, never again to talk for hours or feel my body move beneath his, never again to taste me, never again to have such honesty and trust and faith. Knowing I love him for everything he is and he wouldn't never have to be anybody but himself.

Now, I'll be but another story to share amongst friends. A mere afterthought and perhaps a sigh of relief. One less complication.

It's what destroys you from within. Not the bad relationships, not the abusive ones, not the cheating ones. It's losing the one that you know truly loved you. The one you really love. The one that broke down walls that couldn't be broken. It's the one that not only spoke to your soul, but whispered to your heart. The one that will never allow you to love again.

That's the one that kills you. That's the one you don't see coming. It's the death of love that blindsides you. It crushes and devastates, crippling your heart.

How great can one thing be and it still not be enough?