What she wants..

My friend begins her story just like this...she says there's this great guy and he really is the whole package. He's continuing his education, and he's funny and very good looking. Eloquent and charming. Stylish and interesting with debonairre-like manners. Very flirtatious and his eyes and his lips, oh how they beckon. But... he has a girlfriend.

I tell her to run, she glares at me and says she knows, she knows...but she can't. It all happened so fast. She doesn't know how she got there at light spped and at the same time she knows with the girlfriend thing it stands little chance? But, he says all the right things and he is Super Suave. I am now beside myself at her gullibility. She just got her heart broken. What the hell is she thinking? I mean really is she falling for this? She's got to be the most naive person I know!! She says he seems so sincere, says that he has looked her dead in the eyes and told her that she isn't, nor will she be played. He's says he's drawn to her, it's because she's beautiful, sexy, classy, adorable and funny. He says she carries herself well and she's feminine, that he's very picky but she truly stands out.

But ...the girlfriend. He says it's over, but because of the girl's situation he feels pity and can't bring himself to end it, not until she's on her own and on her feet. He says it would lack compassion.(sadly she relates) She's mad at me and says I wouldn't understand, I had to be there she says...it was real, it was genuine.

SO >>> I ask her what does SHE want. She pauses and rolls her eyes. Then she says... I want a companion, a loving relationship that has meaning, someone I can laugh with and spend time with, someone that gets me and makes me feel like I'm the only woman in the room. She's terrified that she would come to grow in her affections so quickly, and I can see it in her face. She says she wants to share something special and thinks that she might have a chance with him. She doesn't want an affair or a fling but she believes there really is something there, something beyond the physical attraction. So, I tell her if he's sincere in his intentions and his interest and his affections for her, then he'd understand why she has to back away. He has to be truly open and unattached (if he in fact really wants the same thing with her) for the timing to be right and for this to have any real chance. And if he doesn't understand, then she was nothing more than a mere conquest. Better to know now, than hurt later.

Making an Overstatement

A friend recently asked a man why older men aren't interested in women her age, why do they seek out younger women. The two are around the same age, lower 50's. (though to look at her - you couldn't tell) His response was shameful.

Women his age have excessive baggage, because most have been in and out of failed relationships or married and/or divorced, they stand to be bitter, they're expectations higher. They know what they want and due to life experience they also know what they don't want. They want a man to be on time and if he's going to be late or a no show, then he needs to call. He needs to show his affections demonstratively and constantly check-in. A younger woman doesn't know any better. She doesn't care if he doesn't call when he's late, she's more forgiving (whatever the circumstance), she doesn't want to check-in all the time so she's not checking up on him all the time. Younger women are more open to learn from an older man, which is certainly more preferable to being told what to do.

After hearing this, I was aghast at his honesty but also at his immaturity. Essentially he is saying a younger woman is easier to control. Baffled, bewildered and beside myself. So it got me thinking...I know younger women that have a lot going for them and would never allow a man to control them. Age is irrelevent unless that's just a bullshit facade for the fact that he just wants a younger woman because it's younger body, it's the flesh. I could be wrong. I hope I am. Women are beautiful. I've seen women in their 40's with better bodies than a 20 year old and vice versa. Does age really have that great a bearing?

First, a woman confident in herself and happy with where she is in her life, regardless of her age will know what she does and does not want. Despite failed relationships if she's found a way to come to terms with herself, she's already dealt with repercussions, self-discovery and self reflection. This is just this kind of bogus negative perspective and attitude that runs rampant in men's minds. (not all men think this way)

Has man's moral compass completely gone to hell? Women with strong conviction, personal growth and perserverance, fierce independence and confidence are no longer sexy? Because we can take care of ourselves, or our children, work full time, come home and cook, clean, do laundry, find time for friends and still look like we spent all day at the spa >> you'd rather find a girl you can push around? Maybe I'm wrong, but if a woman can do all of that on her own - wouldn't you want a woman that knows who she is? Wouldn't it be better to have someone add to your life as opposed to being needed or be with someone needy? This can't be right!!

So what does that say for the younger man that would rather date the older woman? Is that just some Mrs. Robinson phase some men go through as a right of passage for coming of age only to revert back to the younger females because they're curiosity has been satiated? I can't buy that either.

Seems like we'd be better off not generalizing males or females. Individually we're all unique, we don't all think alike even as a gender. Even when bonding with the same gender you can't use labels. You just can't.

A little Faith Restored

I got a few surprising answers...some expected, some well that completely threw me for a loop. Ranging from surprise getaways for a weekend, mowing a lawn for 6 months to get a girl's attention, marriage, children, to taking time off work to be with a girl's mother while her father had surgery.

It was refreshing to see the collage of answers, to know that men will and are capable of being creative and sacrificing and chivalrous. And in retrospect are we women going out of our way to return the favor for someone that really makes us swoon?

It's a give and take road. And if the journey is long, shouldn't we continue our travels together in a loving and actionable expression of our affections?

Is Chivalry Dead?

I've decided I'm going to ask every man I see what was the nicest thing he ever did for a girl he was crazy about or loved. I don't believe chivalry is dead. And I think my research should be interesting. I look forward to updating the information.

Realizations...

It feels like it's just another game. It's so disheartening. Is dating something for me? The "friendship" thing is a farce, a lie. It's just another way to reel you in and then throw you back when they're done with you. I don't regret it, even if it was a lie - it helped bring on some realizations.

I'm kind and generous and trusting and somehow that is perceived as a weakness. It can and has made me naive at times, especially in matters of the heart because I believe I'm being taken seriously. I'm done dating emotionally unstable and immature guys, I'd like a man who is confident and knows what he wants and is sincere in his interest in me, to step up. Please don't misconstrue - I'm not saying these are bad men - they are good men, with the potential to be a great men. I just wish they had not deceived me - there is a great loss in my heart for those I thought to be my friend.

I know what I'm worth. I don't need a man, but it would be nice if maybe one could add something special to my life. I am a strong independent woman, I'm not afraid to stand on my own. I know where I've been, how I got there, and where I'd like to go with my life. I choose to be positive and optimistic. I know some find that to be one of my qualities. I'm always finding something good in even the most dismal of situations. I'm happy with who I am and everyday I strive towards self improvement and bettering the quality of my life and those that are a part of it. I'd like to share that with someone, someone that thinks I add something special to their life.

I know he's out there.