I might not say much, but I notice every little thing. 

Energy speaks so loudly where words fail and fall silent. And vibes write the truths that no tongue or pen can twist.

When my thoughts go dark, I look at the whimsy in flowers. 

When routine bores me, I go outside and walk barefoot in the grass. 

When my mind is caged, music sets it free.

When erotic thoughts consume me, I love myself. 

When I am sad, the sky paints colors that embrace me.

When I can’t shut out the world, I get lost in a book.

When I am lonely, I write and the words hold me.

I want to look away, but I don't. Everything in me is screaming to stop watching the news, but there's a part of me that knows I have to know.  I cannot always look away. But it gets too heavy to carry and my heart is breaking. 

So many people are hurting. Why is the world turning to such brutality and awfulness?  

There’s something very delicate, very soft and sweetly devine, deep within me. It’s a shy whimper and a giggle that purrs.

Balance

I used to meet my emotions with pure fire. I would stuff down the pain, the terror, the worry, the anguish and anxiety. I would sweep it to the side and focus on surviving and getting to the next moment intact. I didn’t have time to open myself up to my emotions and stand in the rain of my own vulnerability. I had to act. I had to mom. I had to work. I had to keep moving.

My emotions caught up to me and stared me down until I relented and let them in. I sat with them and felt every single little thing. It nearly killed me. I had to experience emotions from my childhood and trauma that I never truly let go. I was dying quietly. I told no one. It was and still is one of the loneliest moments of my life. 

I fell apart and absolutely no one knew, no one saw and no one came to save me.

I lived in an emotional whirlwind of unresolved pain and fear and trauma by myself. I met every single emotion with open arms and let it kill me. 

Until one day, I stood up again. I stood taller and my heart and mind could make sense of all these emotions and feelings. It was heavy, but I felt lighter and I felt the flame within me grow stronger than I had ever felt it.

It hurt and I can’t even write this without becoming emotional and tearing up. But I don’t run from it anymore. I let the tears flow, and I dry them.

I don’t want to just survive things anymore. I want to live in the truth of who I am and what I want my life to be. Turns out, survival is only reactive. 

Living in my emotions and my fire gives me balance. This is me living my life now.

No one is coming to save you, get the fuck up, feel everything, and you will find your strength, strength beyond what you can imagine. 

I always thought by not feeling things I would be better off. And it would help get me over that hump. It was a strength during those times and it did help me get through some unbelievably difficult times. But I never got over them, because I never allowed myself to feel my emotions so I still carried these things with me. It was survival, a coping mechanism that was necessary at the time. 

I don’t do that anymore. It doesn’t serve a purpose anymore to ignore my feelings. Now I feel every little thing, even if it makes other people uncomfortable. 

I don’t live my life to please anyone else anymore. I live for me, for the love inside me.

I don’t entertain disrespect, bread crumbs or mediocrity anymore. I love me. I know there is magic in this world, because I am magic. 

Just easy, on a Sunday afternoon

I hear a commercial about ‘Carl Flammer Ford’ and my brain instantly goes all adhd mode and I am practically singing, “flam flam flammer, phlegm phlam, flu, flu phlegm, flu, flu, flum, flummy, flammy it’s all phlegm Carl Flemmer Floyd, Flammer Ford Flemmer, flat fluff flower phlegm, Flammer Ford.”

A energetic little performance, all while I am drilling together the parts to a new tv stand. I am going to brag a bit and say I completed the 2 person job by myself in 46 minutes. But. To be fair, I lay everything out on the floor in perfect little sequentiality placed piles, because I pregame and organize. 

I am proud of myself, so I make chicken fried rice (from scratch), drink 2 high noons and have a lovely little nap to reward myself.

Just easy, on a Sunday afternoon.

It’s not just a threat. 

It’s a promise 💋

I wish I couldn't feel energy shift.  

I wish I could be a cold heartless person. I am so tired of feeling people pull away.  I don't know how to not love loudly. I barely know how to whisper.  It's not that I am loud or obnoxious, I am simply passionate.  

I think that scares everyone away.

The shadow of the moonlight cast bright

illuminating the rouge lace clinging to her radiant skin

And all the holy parts of him gave rise to the mischief dwelling deep within.

She's on her knees; he's begging her please

Is it prayer or a plea?

Praying for all the pleasures and sweetest pain.  

He unmasks her darkest cravings and emboldens her whimpers, compelling her surrender.

Not a new lesson

I don’t give chase to people anymore. 

If people want to walk out of my life, I don’t stand in their way. I just smile.

Since childhood, I've given chase wishing for people to want to stay. I’ve cried, begged, pleaded and bled for people that reject the love I give. I’m exhausted. If they want to be in my life, why am I begging them to stay?

I cherish and treasure those that don’t blink twice and stay. Whomever wants to leave, such is life. C’est la vie. 

Sure it hurts. Letting go is painful, but it’s not a new lesson, it’s another relationship, another person to grieve on a new level.

I’m tired of fighting to be a part of someone’s life, when they aren’t fighting to be in mine. I guess if it was meant to be, it wouldn’t be a fight.

I know things are not always going to be easy. It’s why I try 

It is what it is!!

I have phone fatigue.

I don’t know when it started, it’s a good thing, I just don’t seem to want to doom scroll social media. I just don’t want to have my phone in my hand anymore. 

Hell I don’t even want to engage with anyone using my phone right now. No texting, no phone calls. Nada. 

I just want to be present.

I’m not sure when the transition to an old crone started, but here I am.

Quietly letting my softness coexist with the friction of my life’s little inconveniences.