Storms

I want out of the matrix. I want freedom from thought, and here I am circling the drain of emotional bloodletting. 

Do you ever look back and wonder if anyone has ever loved you the way you needed to be loved? And not just in moments here and there. But you actually feel them, even when they aren’t next to you. And, no. Not the kind of love only your family can give. I’m talking about a lover, a best friend, someone truly good for your psyche and soul…

Or are we always searching for and longing for a love that will help us grow through shit together and laugh more with a companion, than you do now. Sometimes I get real hung up on the idea of an unconditional love that is consistent. But what if we’re only fated to have a few amazing moments and to live out the rest of our lives pining for more than the ones we are hand fed, thereby creating our own suffering? 

I have been fairly content on my own. I like to think of myself as Trinity, I’m always fighting, and dodging bullets, looking for a way out of the matrix. It’d be a lot cooler if my Neo was here to do it with me, though. Or whatever -  I nerd out. 

There’s a tropical storm going on and I love this fucking rain. Mother Nature is beautifully violent. We’re still in a tornado watch and there’s flash flooding. My mom’s all bajiggity and hiding in the closet she said, when I checked in on her and Dad. I reminded her that they took us to Fort Myers Beach and Sanibel Island during two different tropical storms when we were kids. I told her to stop being dramatic, because they let my brothers and I bodysurf and boogey board in riptide and 7’ waves. Ah yes my perfect parents allowing 4 (occasionally all 5)of us outside in the rough water body surfing and going out to the sandbar to find silver dollars. (sand dollars). We were shark bait. My brother even got pulled under twice, and once he skinned his face on the ocean floor. Dad told him to shake it off, and go have some fucking fun. This is the kind of weather you go out in. Fuck what the transplants and non-natives say. This is beautiful Florida summer weather. Anyway I asked my mom if she also went and hid in the closet while we were out swimming and surfing during the storms. I mean. C’mon! 

My parents were happily leaving us to fend for ourselves in the elements unsupervised while they had some adult time. 

I’d like to think that I will never be afraid of the storms. I feel more like myself standing in the middle of the storm, than I ever will under the blinding purity of sunshine. 

It’s strange how I trust the storms mother nature brings. She’s the siren in the storm, forever enchanting. She makes me feel alive. There’s violence in her song and I am drawn to it. 

I think I’ll go run to meet death and spin around in the storm; brave the elements and embrace the child and chaos within me. It’s better than lolligagging here in the matrix of thought.💭