Sleep on it

I’m tired, but not the kind of tired where I need sleep. I’m exhausted and so fucking tired of this world, of people, of ugliness, of not being good enough, of people thinking I am stupid, I’m tired of wearing a smile and pretending it’s all okay. It’s not okay and I’m fucking tired. I know no one is going to save me. I have always known that. I’m still tired of always saving me. 

I’m tired of being there for people who don’t give a second thought to me. I’m tired of trying to make my parents happy and always falling short. 

I’m tired of failing at being a mom and a dad, I’m not a dad. I didn’t want to be a dad. I only wanted to be a mom and I’m tired of apologizing to my kids because I failed at being a dad, as much as I failed at being a mom. 

I’m tired of being okay with being walked on and pushed to the side or shoved out of the way. I’m tired of being the woman good enough to fuck, but not good enough to genuinely cherish. I’m tired of holding on to the fantasy that there may be romance somewhere hidden behind all the pretty words and pretense. 

I’m tired of being a punching bag; spiritually, mentally and physically. I’m tired of holding all this grief inside and crying so no one can see me. I’m tired of feeling like I’m a second hand puppet used for entertainment purposes or to manipulate others. 

I hate this world for making me feel this way. I hate all the ugliness and complacency. I hate feeling everything. All.Of.The.Time. I am tired of my own bullshit and I’m really fucking tired of everyone else’s bullshit. 

I’m tired of going to sleep on myself, sleeping on my dreams. I’m tired of sacrificing all these pieces of my soul for crumbs on a plate - at a table I built. I’m tired of taking what is given instead of taking what I want and need. I’m tired of looking over my shoulder and how heavy all of this feels. I’m tired of carrying this sword everywhere I go, even when I sleep. I’m tired of accepting it as - it is what it is, and still so much less than I deserve. Tired of being forgotten and then reliving my past just to remember. 

I’m tired of everyone holding all of my sins over my head. I’m tired of being punished for things I have spilt blood over.

I’m tired of racists and bigots and war and seeing this world tear itself apart over an idea or indifference or misunderstanding. I’m tired of misprinted lies and misinformation. I’m tired of elitist and complainers, corporations and injustices, I’m tired of entitlement and laziness, I’m tired of cruelty and ignorance and shame. I’m tired of everyone always looking away. I’m tired of everyone screaming for attention in all the most pathetic ways. 

I’m tired of looking into their eyes so filled with fear and despair and rage and grief and confusion and understanding their pain.

I’m tired of not being allowed to feel emotional ecstasy, and I’m damn sure tired of feeling like I have to ask for permission, or ask anyone for help. I am tired of being so fucking sad and depressed all of the fucking time. I’m tired of people telling me to smile more. And. I’m so goddamn fucking tired of people telling me to be more positive. Fuck you. I’m tired of being positive and being the bigger person and being understanding, and caring and feeling everything I can through the eyes and words of everyone around me. I’m tired of silver linings because the truth is so ugly, that I have no choice but to find the positives. 

I’m tired of seeing all the pain and hearing all the things people want to scream but won’t, because they fear how loud their anger truly is, and feeling their fear of a world that won’t shut up with it’s incessant judgment and shaming. 

I’m tired of seeing people I love and care about hold all their pain in and scramble to hold their world together. I’m tired of knowing they aren’t fully themselves because if the world senses the slightest vulnerability,  it will bleed their kindness dry. 

I’m tired of the vultures and the critics, and how everything is a status symbol or a statistic. Just let people be, so they can just feel everything they need to feel to be whole. I’m tired of the comparisons and scorecards, and how everyone tries to cash in on ridiculousness or the easy way out. I’m sick to death of all these self appointed life coaches with their self righteous opinions and need for acceptance, but so unwilling to hold a light to their own sins, their lack of accountability, whilst preaching of self care and self awareness.

I’m tired of my body betraying me, and watching my life quickly and quietly become a memory that I fear - even I will forget. I’m tired of looking behind me and everything appearing as if it were linear. It wasn’t linear, none of it was linear. I’m tired of looking past all the bullshit and the bullies and the daily struggle and stressors and all the demons that keep saying you have to fake it until I make it, just push through.

But. Mostly I’m tired of crying, tired of whining, tired of smiling, tired of not having a voice anyone will take seriously, tired of thinking it will make a difference. Tired of my own hypocrisy and perpetual self reflection and always trying to find ways to be a better version of me. I’m tired of putting myself last and always having to pull myself together while clinging to the tiniest of wins, that seem to carry the weight of all my dreams and hopes and wishes. 

I’m tired of being made to feel like I should be ashamed of what I look like, or who I am. I’m tired of not treating myself better and not loving me - or worse - wondering why I don’t love myself and instead am constantly picking myself apart or questioning someone’s integrity because they compliment me. I’m tired of not letting go of the replay of being made to feel inferior and less than - so that someone else could feel better or more superior. I’m tired of trying, I’m tired of putting in all the effort. I’m tired of questioning things that no one else will and the dirty looks because I didn’t stay quiet when everyone else did. I’m tired of taking all the blame and the way no one lets me forget.

I can’t sleep because I’m so tired. I’m tired of waking up and realizing that this is not a fucking dream. I’m tired, but not because I can’t sleep. I’m tired because I can’t sleep because I’m so fucking tired. 

And. I’m tired of saying tomorrow’s another day and then thinking maybe I should just sleep on it. I tired of sleeping on it. I don’t want to sleep on it.