Lingering in the fold of comforting nostalgia, I'd flip back to the pain on purpose. My trophy; bags under my eyes, lost sleep and pathetic sobbing in the quiet of the night. I had not imagined things going down like this. Now, it's over and I need this all to end, I'm done carrying the weight. Pain, my best kept secret and clearly a ghost to everyone else. I was haunted. It was emotionally crippling. I'm just not built to fake it until I make it, so things came crashing down. I had wanted it all, and for a fleeting moment, I thought I might get lucky. But when it's not meant to be, the best thing that can happen - is for me to wake up.
How can I write this, and not share it with a single living soul? Maybe this is/was my therapy. I'm already healing and I know I'm going to be okay. For the first time in a long time - I have clarity. And while it's not my first rodeo, and I've been far worse off, I've found I'm really all I need. It wasn't easy to accept, but it was I, that had set everything in motion, I was the one to initiate the break-up. I knew there would be fall-out, I had underestimated how much it would hurt.
Relationships are no walk in the park. I'd rather sulk in solitude than be with someone who's unhappy. That kind of dejection destroys any threads of magic. Without trust and security and a foundation of communication, magic alone can not keep a relationship alive. You must have bedrock to stand on. And anything worth having is worth fighting for!
I realized I was the only one fighting. After four harsh break-ups and not one of them initiated by me - it hit me. It was devastating. I was chasing someone that didn't want to be caught.
When it hit me - that we weren't going to make it, I knew I'd have to tell him, it struck hard. I knew we needed to look at everything and come to a different conclusion about our relationship. It wasn't easy to have that conversation. It was deeply emotional and excruciatingly painful. Five years was a long time, lots of shared memories, family and friends that would be affected, but mostly he was my friend, my lover. It hurt, but I had to be honest, I couldn't live a lie and I felt we both deserved the truth. Honesty can hurt sometimes, but lies rip you apart every single time you remember them.
Not long after breaking up, I began questioning my decision, beating myself up, feeling sorry for him. Then...I heard he had already started dating - within days of our break up. At first, I thought well good for him, moving on after he said it was going to be way too painful and he didn't know how he was going to live without me. As the days passed, my naivety faded quickly... how could he have met someone already and started dating so quickly? and why had he failed to mention something as big as already dating in the many conversations that followed our 'mutual' break-up? I thought we agreed to walk away with mutual respect, we had shared so many heart to hearts.
After finding out he was seeing someone, I can't lie, I felt betrayed. I volleyed back and forth over whether he really did just meet her. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'd guess he had been talking to her. Whether or not it's true, doesn't even matter, so I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. I can't move forward if I keep looking backwards. There's a feeling of freedom that comes from this. I no longer have to feel guilty, I no longer have to beat myself up - I know the choice I made was the right one. I'm a better person for choosing honesty. I am free to move on now. I choose me.
How can I write this, and not share it with a single living soul? Maybe this is/was my therapy. I'm already healing and I know I'm going to be okay. For the first time in a long time - I have clarity. And while it's not my first rodeo, and I've been far worse off, I've found I'm really all I need. It wasn't easy to accept, but it was I, that had set everything in motion, I was the one to initiate the break-up. I knew there would be fall-out, I had underestimated how much it would hurt.
Relationships are no walk in the park. I'd rather sulk in solitude than be with someone who's unhappy. That kind of dejection destroys any threads of magic. Without trust and security and a foundation of communication, magic alone can not keep a relationship alive. You must have bedrock to stand on. And anything worth having is worth fighting for!
I realized I was the only one fighting. After four harsh break-ups and not one of them initiated by me - it hit me. It was devastating. I was chasing someone that didn't want to be caught.
When it hit me - that we weren't going to make it, I knew I'd have to tell him, it struck hard. I knew we needed to look at everything and come to a different conclusion about our relationship. It wasn't easy to have that conversation. It was deeply emotional and excruciatingly painful. Five years was a long time, lots of shared memories, family and friends that would be affected, but mostly he was my friend, my lover. It hurt, but I had to be honest, I couldn't live a lie and I felt we both deserved the truth. Honesty can hurt sometimes, but lies rip you apart every single time you remember them.
Not long after breaking up, I began questioning my decision, beating myself up, feeling sorry for him. Then...I heard he had already started dating - within days of our break up. At first, I thought well good for him, moving on after he said it was going to be way too painful and he didn't know how he was going to live without me. As the days passed, my naivety faded quickly... how could he have met someone already and started dating so quickly? and why had he failed to mention something as big as already dating in the many conversations that followed our 'mutual' break-up? I thought we agreed to walk away with mutual respect, we had shared so many heart to hearts.
After finding out he was seeing someone, I can't lie, I felt betrayed. I volleyed back and forth over whether he really did just meet her. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'd guess he had been talking to her. Whether or not it's true, doesn't even matter, so I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. I can't move forward if I keep looking backwards. There's a feeling of freedom that comes from this. I no longer have to feel guilty, I no longer have to beat myself up - I know the choice I made was the right one. I'm a better person for choosing honesty. I am free to move on now. I choose me.
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