I don't know how often I actually think of writing, but it's certainly not as often as I'd like. You could say it was laziness, or maybe being overwhelmed. I make no apologies for my life. I live it day by day and that evidently aggravates a wealth of busy bodies. I don't care. I'm tired of having to explain myself or validate my choices. It's my life. At least I'm living it!

It's been a while, since I could lift my head up high. Honestly, quoting a song - does me no justice. COnsidering some of the life experiences thrown my way - I'm usually much more resilient, but I attribute this one to sheer exhaustion. To admit this weakness, one might think I'm weak. Strangely, if you've ever met or know me - you know different. My ego and wallet have taken some major hits. I'm finally starting to feel like I can almost see the glassy surface of the water above. And, that is progress! I'll refrain from giving the tiresome boring details.

I will pen a few thoughts, as I feel it healthy and needed. I am simply thinking out loud. If I hurt anyone's feelings, so be it. My goal isn't about tip toeing around anyone else's feelings, but to help myself. Misunderstood, but who isn't?! Far too often, I find that I help and/or give of myself so much, that I ask for nothing or very little in return. It is my understanding that because my heart is so big and because I am often willing to be so giving, that I place no value or very little value on myself. People tend to take advantage of my generosity. Traditionally, this would be referred to as making myself a rug. I've often been asked why I'm always so ready to pick up my sword to defend myself. Strangely, this would be after a anger fueled argument or heated discussion that has resulted from my being tired of being said rug.

I find that many people (myself included) have a propensity to project our fears and suspicions on each other. We carry so much weight from the negativity, that often the glass doesn't even appear half empty. We sometimes don't even see the glass. Why do we have such an initial reaction with negativity. Have we begun to lose hope, have we all become pessimists? Finding ten minutes out of my day every day to be thankful for what I have, helps me. I start to realize that a lot of the things I think I need are really just material things I want. Material stuff never made me happy. But knowing I have a job, when so many are unemployed, or a place to live, when so many are homeless, or having my parents around that drive me crazy, when so many feel orphaned as their parents have passed away, or that my kids are healthy and can laugh, instead of wondering when their next meal might be. The simple things that we all forget. We become so consumed by our own lives and goals that we forget how to live, we forget our friends or our family. Quality over quantity. Still it's so easy to fall into the rut the masses follow, to become one of the sheep being led, instead of the shephard or leading others. I don't want to be like anyone else, and I think I can say comfortably, I'm not like anyone else. I want to wear a label, I don't need to and it isn't going to make me anything different than who I already am.

I also learned that standing up to the same people that say this are typically the very offenders and are shocked or beside themselves when I ultimately lash out. I would agree that perhaps my approach or style in choosing my battles has not lent itself to a worry-free life, but I was able to get what I had to say out. Whether or not it was heard, in some cases still remains to be seen.