I made myself a promise years ago after devastating someone’s life, whom I still love very dearly, that I would always strive to be honest no matter how painful. And not just with the people in my life, but also with myself.
It’s not been easy, in fact there were and still are times when I still think telling a lie would be considerably more generous than hurting someone with the truth. But then I remember how much my world was crushed by others lies, where the truth could have altered the experiences in my life. Maybe I would’ve been able to forgive them and move past the pain, had I been given the chance.
Telling the truth to other people has cost me quite a few friendships and damaged a few relationships along the way. There have been moments when speaking the truth was so unbearable because I knew I was hurting someone I love and care about, but I knew in my heart that lying would have been far more devastating. It’s an important detail to remember that it’s not just about my pain or how I feel, it’s about the other person. And believe me it was agonizing to see how speaking the truth had such a strong impact on the other person. I wasn’t sorry for what I said, because it was the truth, but I was sorry for how it made them feel. At the bare minimum, and I do mean this, there were no silver linings, but at least it was not a lie.
I’m definitely not perfect. I still tell little white lies here and there. There’s no need for examples, because they were the kind of things that could only hurt me, and not other people.
It doesn’t matter though. All lies are deceitful, big or small, even the little white lies we think won’t hurt anyone else, because all lies - even if they don’t hurt others, will almost always hurt you.
Now having remained true to this promise to myself for years, it has opened my eyes and I can often see through other people’s bullshit. I watch body language and eyes and even the most confident liars will reveal themselves in subtlety. Don’t misunderstand, it doesn’t change my naivety in believing people will stand by their word, but it does give me insight into how I deal with them moving forward. That said, I also want to trust people, this is a huge challenge for me because so many people have lied to me over the years, and over the dumbest most ridiculous bullshit, never mind the really big stuff. And this is where my naivety comes in to play. I want to trust and take people at their word. Some say this is foolish, and perhaps it is, but if they fuck that up and lie, then my cold shoulder treatment is on them. I give people more chances and more credit than they often deserve because my heart is big. But they will never get my trust back, and it’s possible maybe they don’t care, and that just means they will play absolutely no part in my today or my tomorrow. Once I am done, I am done. Getting to that point is a pretty big fucking deal and it’s one of the hardest decisions for me to make, because I can cut people out of my life and never look back. The way I see it is if they have proved over and over that they cannot be trusted, why continue to allow them to be a part of my life. There’s no growth there and they will always disappoint me no matter how much I love them or am there for them. On the flip side of that coin, I know and am certain that my past behavior has cast great shadows on relationships and friendships and has cost me people I love. I don’t have a problem admitting I am wrong, but I can’t unring those bells and even if they haven’t forgiven me, I have forgiven myself. I’m not the same idiot anymore, I also know that if I want honesty and truth, I HAVE to give it.
One of the biggest heartbreaks of my life was not a lover, it was a friend and I still miss them every single day, but I know I can never trust them again and that is simply too painful to let them back in my life. Sometimes I think I am over the grief for the loss of that friendship and then nostalgia will come crashing through a wall like the koolaid man and I have to remind myself that they didn’t care that they hurt me or that they lied to my face and talked behind my back. And the reality is that they will always be this way, so I had to decide if they were more important or I was. I will just love them and want the best for them from over here, but I will not let them back in my life.
It gets a little tricky with online friendships. There’s no way to see how someone animates when they talk, or make eye contact with them so I can’t read their eyes or witness their body language. Hell half the time I don’t even get to hear them speak so I can’t rely on tone or inflection. I don’t get to see how they speak to or treat another person. This stifles my ability to formulate a real opinion on if what they’re saying or not saying is true. I can only rely on their written words. And yes, I won’t lie I do sift through everything they say and study them and that only proves to be exhausting, but it’s also necessary. I am still trying to protect myself, because I don’t want to get hurt. This can be so draining because you can be talking to someone online and have formed a friendship and not know if their words hold truth for a long time - until they do or say something contradicting or they interact with someone or someone that interacts with them does or says something and you see them for what they are. It’s all games and I am so sick of that shit. I give the benefit of doubt to everyone but I cannot help that I see everything and it’s been my experience that a Lot of people lie online. And when the betrayal and pain hit you, you’re just there looking stupid because you believed in them. It fucking sucks, and I just don’t have that kind of time to waste. Don’t get me wrong, I have also met some incredible people and have long lasting friendships with a few, some friendships spanning several years, so I do know that not everyone online is a lying asshole.
Here’s an unpopular opinion. Omission is lying; failing to mention something because you know that ‘something’ can impact or affect the relationship/friendship is a lie. Period. And I will die on this hill. I don’t need to give examples because we have all chosen not to say or mention something because we knew it would affect that person or the relationship.
And finally, yes finally, I have learned to tell people that they need to be sure they want the truth, because the truth can hurt. Yes, I am fully aware not everyone has the same truth but I want them to be sure they want to hear my truth.
A lot of people say they want the truth until they hear the truth. And I get that not everyone is emotionally prepared for that. I myself have been caught off guard by the sting of it. But I would rather hear the achingly painful truth, than be told a beautiful lie.
https://youtu.be/4sK0t83U4vs?si=xh6S_TTbpz3s-hDS
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